What Would You Do?

Hi C.,

My daughter, now 28, was adopted by my husband 21 years ago. She has always known she was adopted by him and didn't want to know anything about her birth father until recently. Sadly, her birth father passed away in 2005 and she will only know my memories of him. My husband has been very supportive of her desire to know more about her heritage and she has been pleased with his openness. In fact, it has strengthened their bond.

My suggestion is let the children know she is wanting to see them and let them make up their minds individually. They are old enough now to make that decision and maybe only one or two might want to make the connection.

Good luck with this tough decision.

W.

You should really set the children down and talk to them about this. I know it is hard on you but, let them decide. No matter what you "are" their mom and I promise they will never forget that. But if you should not allow this meeting and 1 or all of them want to see her then you have lost because when they are old enough to leave they just may walk away from you and run to her. Think about it please.

I would keep her away from the 16 year old and ask the 17 and 18 year old if they want to see her. Depending on what state you live in the two oldest are considered adults and can make up their minds on whether or not they want to see her. But I personally would still protect the 16 year old for at least another year.

I would want to meet with the biological mother personally, first, before even mentioning it to the children. You should "screen" her, and try to get a feel for her motivation and whether you think the children would be receptive to her. If you think it's appropriate, only then would I ask the kids. YOU are the parent, and it's your responsibility to make sure their best interests are protected.

I say you:

1. meet with the mother first and ask ALL questions you have;
2. If appropriate, talk to the kids about it;
3. Then, let the kids decide what they want to do.

It doesn't sound easy. I wish you the best!

these kids are old enough to speak their minds, so ask them she left them and just maybe the want to forgive or they want to tell her that they will never forgive her. alot of moms leave and alot of kids forgive and i know you feel "you left them and now all the hard work is done and you think you can come in and it will all be hunky dory" but the kids will still see you as the one who cared. i would talk to them and see what they want one may want to see her and some may not want a single thing to do with her. But you dont forget God loves kids and you saved 3 you are a special person and these kids know it!!!!!! Good luck =)

Due to inner desires that can go on with the children that sometimes don't get spoken about. I would sit down with the children together, advise them of their birth mothers concerns and see how they felt, and deal with the situation accordingly to each child. Of course I have never been in your shoes, but encountered many adopted children in my life as well as had a cousin that was adopted.

God Bless you,
C.

Dear C.,
It would be a difficult choice I am sure, but two of the dhildren are legal adults in the state of Missouri and there is nothing you could do to stop them from seeong her. They are all old enough to know who has been there for them and who took care of them and who walked out on them. I would leave it up to the children choose. It is not a matter of choosing a mom they have one but I would be curious if I were them. I would suggest lots of prayer and maybe some counseling prior to visiting her and follow up with counselng. Just put your faith in Jesus and know that they will not abadon the MOM that was always there for them.
M.

I'd say if she left them at 1, 2, and 3, it must have been that she wasn't ready or for some reason couldn't take care of them and did the kindest and hardest thing she could. And, as it turns out, it was a blessing for you and them. Whether it was drugs, alcohol, mental illness or just plain selfishness, it doesn't matter. They had a better life without that and the problems it brings. They are now old enough to understand and make up their own minds. What if she was messed up all of those years and now she has her act together. What if she can build a relationship with them now and and it can be a positive experience for them? It doesn't take anything away from the mother you have been to them. There can never be too many people to love and support your children. Nothing she does negates anything you have already done, or the bond you have with them. The biological connection doesn't make her their "real" mother. They know that. I would meet with her first and see what you think about her current status and state of mind and stability. Just be honest with the kids and tell them the facts, good or bad. They are old enough to understand the truth and make up their own minds. Best of luck to all of you.

As a child who was adopted at birth, and has since made contact with both my paternal and maternal bio families...I think this must absolutely be their decision. Hopefully they know that they were adopted, which will make this somewhat less of a shock. Also, I hope that the bio mom has fixed whatever issues made her unable to care for them in their youth. If not and she has for instance drug/alcohol problems, I think you are perfectly within your rights to keep her from the younger two if she presents a danger to them. Whether or not they are mature enough to make that decision on their own notwithstanding that they are not 18 is something you must decide.

I would give all 3 the opportunity (unless you decide it wouldn't be good for the younger 2) to decide what their wishes are. I would also caution you to help them keep some boundaries. It sounds like since mom contact you, she may be aware of how BIG this is for them (and in fact, maybe that's why she didn't contact them, she may not have wanted to disrupt their lives) but in any case, although it does not appear so she may also expect to jump in and be mommy dearest. I assure you that regardless of whether they knew or not, that is probably not something for which they are prepared. I suggest maybe giving the bio mom the opportunity to write them a letter, and giving them the option of reading it and writing back to her, and starting there. Not sure whether she lives in the area, but I would recommend avoiding in person contact for at least several months to give them the chance to get to know her. Maybe after a few letters back & forth, they could talk on the phone and then in a few months have lunch or something.

Just let your kids be the guide (obviously with your eldest, you have a little less control) but be a good buffer for them, in case they (or she) inadvertently get caught up and try to throw themselves in too quickly. Make sure she knows, and they know that you aren't going to force it and that they're all going to make their own decision. If only 1 is interested, then the other 2 are off the hook unless at some point in the future they want more. Hope this helps. Happy to discuss more if you want. ____@____.com

My children were 1, 2, and 3 when their father abandoned us without water, food, electricity and took everything we owned. Since he was military and I loved him very much, I blamed everything on the army. It took me a long time to realize that just as some people are born without legs, there are some people born without conscience or the ability to care for others. I once believed that if you prayed hard enough, that God could change anyone. When he finally came back into our lives 8 years later, it was just to use them as an excuse to stay out of Iraq and get out of child support. After 10 visits and two years later, my children are still going through therapy and still feel the scars of no father and a father that not only doesnt care about them but was abusive because he could not deal with the responsibility. I think I would explain to them that love is of the heart, not of the blood, and although their natural mother gave them their physical being, you have given them what they are. She may have given them life, but you have given their life value and protected them from a life they would need help dealing with. So it is a very good thing you were there and although they were not blessed with a loving biological mother, they have a loving spiritual mother who has been with them through their lives. We all pray for miracles and that you were there to tend to three children in diapers and all the sacrifices you have made , they should consider each day you were there a miracle and be so thankful for you. I know you may be too modest to tell them this, so please have them read this. May God bless you!

Do the kids even want to see her? If not I would not even really consider it. If they are interested it makes it a little more of a difficult situation. That is so sad that she has not had contact with them at all in those 16yrs. It makes me think she dosen't care about them.

Never been adopted, or adopted any children, but I have a d-i-l who is almost 38 and has a good relationship with the father who raised her and she would like to know about the father who left. She has curiousity about him and would like to know about him and his health because of anything he might have passed on to her and her kids in order to be prepared. A lot of diseases are heiredity or run in families. Also my older sister (1/2 sister) was raised by her mom's 2nd husband not my father and after 35 years of no contact we got back in touch about 20 years ago and as my (our) father is no longer with us she is always asking me this or that about him. My point is at some point some or all of the children will be curious and want to either know the birth parent or konw something about them. That doen't mean they don't love you, they always will you raised them, you are Mom. Hope this helps and good luck.

This won't be easy, but you need to be brave and allow some contact. Do not worry that she will want to take over - she didn't want the responsibility then and she won't now. Don't worry that the kids will think of her as "mom". They won't, you have mothered them for 16 years your bond is firmly established.

As teens they likely have many questions about who she is, why she left, are they like her, etc... Contact won't solve all this but it will help. If you deny any contact, they will likely be angry at you for standing in the way.

The good news is you can control the amount and type of contact. Invite her to lunch at a neutral location that way you can all leave if it goes badly. If it goes well perhaps a visit at your home so she can see their rooms, some photos, awards, etc... Then you could say, lets get together in 6 months again for a visit.

As teens, your kids are probably getting pretty smart about people. They will likely be able to see about her character by the things she does and the things she says. It will become clear to them why she was unable to fulfill the role of mother and why they are fortunate that you did. Given time and opportunity, they will get this on their own and this is will be important to their emotional identity as adults.

Good luck.

I think at this point the children are old enough to decide whether or not they even want to see their "mother". Talk to them see how they feel about seeing her and then go from there. It may actually be helpful for them to see her. I'm sure they have unanswered questions about her and why she left, and they DESERVE an answer from her if they choose to seek it. Just see how they feel. Don't keep this away from them. I've seen well intentioned parents have big problems because their children felt they were trying to keep their birth parent(s) out of their life. Good Luck to you and your family. You must be a wonderful person and a wonderful mother to take in THREE babies. We need more people like you in this world.

This would depend upon the children. If you allow her to see them, it should be because they want to see her. Ask them. If they are not interested, don't make them. If one wants to and another doesn't, then she only gets to see the one who wants to. She may have straightened up her life, and be a wonderful person now, but actions have everlasting consequences. Children are not like teddy bears, to be picked up again when you are in the mood, and left on the shelf when you aren't. They suffer. I hope they are aware that all those years without them was her big loss.

It is so hard to make that call. I do know how it feels to not know your mom all your child-hood I didn't meet her tell I was 35 I am 43 now I also have one of my 8 grandchildren that I have adopted when he was 6months old now he is 3 he is such a joy I do not understand how a mother could not b in his life but she isn't and that is my own daughter, knowing what I went through as a kid I truly believe God woun't put you throught anyting you can't handel so I'll say a prayer you make the wright choice

Talk to your kids and find out if they are interested in seeing her. You will always be their "MOM" no matter what. I raised my husbands two kids with their mother in their life, but I am their mom and their go to gal, (as my hubby puts it). Be there for your kids. Be with them when they see her and show your support in what ever they decide to do. No matter what happens, your kids know who raised them and who's been there through thick and thin. Good luck!

Give the kids the choice. They may be curious. They may have questions that they want answered. If you stand in the way they may hold it against you. If you support their decision to meet or not to meet their birth mother they will love you all the more. Just a feeling, but they know who their true mother is. Good luck with what is going on.

C.,
My first question is "Do the kids know they are adopted?". If so, I believe the kids are old enough to determine whether or not they want to meet their biological mother. The children may want to know a few things before they make that decision. Like why she left. I don't want to downplay what she did, but if she was into drugs and a bad way of life, then I commend her for giving them up and doing what was best for the kids. Forgiveness is hard to do, and you all have a difficult decision to make. May God be with you.

Hi C., I would honestly leave that up to the children. They're old enough to understand what's going on and to make rational decisions. You might be surprised at their responses. My fiance just met his biological father recently, his mom never told him he was adopted by his stepdad - and one of his aunt's let it "slip" when he was about 22 (he's 36 now). His dad never wanted to let him go but mom forced it. He's since found a whole family in addition to his own - 2 sisters the same ages as his brothers, loving grandparents, nieces and nephews he never knew, etc. It may not just be about "mom", but other family members as well. At the very least, it could help your kids with some closure, being able to vent at her for "abandoning" them, realizing that you're the one that freely took on that role, etc. Just be honest and open with the kids (I mean young adults), and they'll be open and honest with you. I hope all goes well.

Personally, I think it should ultimately be the children's decision. They are old enough to have questions and want answers, and they deserve the chance to get them.

Don't think for a moment that you will become obsolete to them. This is the time that they will need you most. God put you in their lives for this exact moment.

Get prayed up...stand tall...be there for those kids.

I would allow her to see them. My mother and seven of her siblings were raised in foster care. When she turned 18 she found her mom and together they found the rest of the children. They both taught me that relationship is a responsibility of those involved in it, no one can force it or prevent it if the desire to have one is there. My grandmother was killed in auto accident 20 years ago. None of her children know why she let them go to foster care because they never ask her. They just wanted each moment with her. Today they cherish those memories. Four of my mothers siblings were adopted and maintain a part of their adopted family. I don't believe they feel anything but gratitude to their adopted families. A meeting between the mother and children could either be a beginning or an end to their relationship. Both of which the children are old enough and secure enough to handle.

Let her see them of course. There is no need to punish this woman. Some people simply cannot be parents and they know it. Unfortunatley for the kids, they were born to a mother that could not care for them.

You should be happy for her. Do not be afraid that she will take your children. If you have adopted them, then they are yours in every sense. It may actaully help them as well as their Mom close that chapter in their lives. It's the right thing to do even though it seems wrong.

M

I was adopted when I was 5 weeks old. My biological mother tried to contact me when I was around 19 or so. I didn't want to have any contact with her at that time and still haven't. I think the kids though are old enough that they could give you their decision. They may or may not want to see her. I think you should talk to them and see how they even feel about seeing her before you do anything.

I personally would have some compassion for this woman. You have no idea of her circumstances at the time she left. She possibly has been in agony for all these years. I'm sure you have done a great job raising these children and you may feel intimidated by their biological Mother coming into their life. Even if something came of the meeting I'm thinking that you would really have nothing to worry about. I know it will be emotional and as a loving Mother you want to spare your children but more than likely it will be an opportunity for growth. They possibly have been curious about her as well. In these situations, there is usually more than enough love to go around.

Hi C.,
Were these stepchildren you adopted or another form of adoption? I'm wondering how the bio mom even knows where you are. In a private adoption, you never give out info, thus preventing altercations later on.

They are undecided because curiosity is more at play now. Why why why. It will be awkward. I would have asked her myself why, and left it at that. She doesn't have to see them. Why tell the kids and stir up complicated entangled emotions which, to me, isn't necessary.

Ah well, be observant, and indeed good luck.
Sincerely __________

ask the children! it is THEIR birth mother and they are old enough to make the choice.

I think the children are old enough at this point to make that decision. Don't take it personally if they are curious and want to meet her. They know who their "real" mom is!

I'm sorry you are put in this situation. But If I was in your shoes I would talk to the kids. Let them know what's going on and ask them if they want to see her. I feel they are old enough to decide for themselves. I hope this helped.

oo that's a tough one,and i could only speculate on what i would do because i havnt experienced it myself.First of i would like to comenned you for taking on the role as mother to someones elses children. that is extremeley admirable, and im sure that you raised those children wonderfully! its got to be tough on all you as far as emotions, for you because you have nurtured them their whole lives, and for the kids because they dont even know her. my advice to you would be if the children want to meet her and see her i think they should be allowed to. im sure that they have alot of unanswered questions that need to be addressed to bring healing to them.i would definately have it supervised,maybe give them some alone time to talk in another room, but for saftey issues, you never know what a desperate mother will do. the Bible says to forgie as you have been forgiven. it is probobly one of the hardest thing to do when someone hurts you or someone you love,but i believe however it turns out it will bring some sort of closure. i will be praying for all!
C. kelly

Maybe ask the kids and see what they would like to do? Personally, I don't know how I would feel about letting her see them, but then again, they are old enough to decide whether or not they would like to see her.

I think others have already said this but I agree. Sit down with the kids and talk to them and see how they feel. If they choose not to see her then I would follow their wishes. If they decide that they would like to meet her then go from there. It will be hard on you...you are their mother regardless if you gave birth to them or not. You know what is best for them. I wish you the best of luck and God Bless.

C.,
Hello. You're in a tough situation. I would say do it for the children, if that's what they want to do. If not, don't make them. Each child is different & one may want/need to, and the others may not. If they are unsure how they feel, let them think about it a while and figure out what feels comfortable and right to them.

I'm coming from a stand-point where I was a child and wanted to meet my bio father. He made a choice to leave his wife (my Mom) and newborn baby (I was one week old). We had no contact while I was growing up, but I was a very curious child especially as a teenager to meet him. I wrote a letter to him (that he claimed he never received), but he called my Mom just a few months later to try to contact me (when I was 17). We had dialogue over a few letters at first, then I had phone calls with my half-brothers, then there was a meeting. He lived in a different state, so my uncle went with me. I would say here are my lessons learned:
1) Let the contact be child driven (since they are old enough) - that could be a letter (and that’s enough) or eventually maybe a face-to-face meeting. But, let them guide what they want out of this and at each of their own pace. If she comes to town and none of them are ready for the face-to-face yet, then don’t make them.
2) If they have a face-to-face meeting: Only expectation should be to actually meet her. I always thought my first question would be "why" too, but once I got around my father, it was so clear to me that it didn't matter "why", by his leaving I was given such a better life (but it took me meeting him to realize this). Other more insightful questions came to me in the moment to learn about him and who he was and that told me mostly what I needed to know. He was the first to provide excuses for his leaving, but in the end it didn't really matter. I had the best family (without him).
3) Let the children ask their questions, even if it's "why". But, know that they probably won't trust her answers. She broke that trust years ago by leaving. And to be honest, she may not know “why” – or if she gives reasons, they may not be very good. But, if that’s what they’re seeking, they should be allowed to ask it. I had to realize that no matter what the excuses were, we all make choices and even though that choice had hurt me for years, I realized I had been given a terrific life and at that point I was so thankful for his choice of leaving.
4) If they have a face-to-face meeting: Have an adult support person there with them that they trust (like an aunt, uncle or close family friend - this person has to have a calm attitude and isn't upset with her), I think it would be hard to have you there at the first meeting. This person helps mediate or stop things if they were to get too upsetting (they have the best interest of your children at hand). And this person is a good person to talk about those mixed emotions they might have, a good listener (that’s not intimately involved).
5) If they choose to continue contact after a face-to-face meeting again, let it be at their pace. Personally, after some more contact, I didn’t want all the drama that came with my bio father, so I ended contact. But, meeting him helped me fill a huge desire of the unknown (just who he was), and it helped me see how wonderful my family was and helped me to understand why my Mom did some of the things she did (that I had been upset with her over for years). As hard as it was on my Mom for her to let me meet my bio father, it was a great gift to me and gave me a great appreciation of my “true” family (just at 17).
6) You also might consider a little counseling too where the children can safely express their feelings (no matter what they are in the moment). I had good counseling prior to meeting my father; I think that’s why I was able to take it all in from a different perspective. Had I not had that, I think I could have been highly disappointed and/or taken in easily by his excuses. And it’s potentially an emotionally draining process (even when it’s good).

If after your children consider meeting their bio mother, they decide not too, respect that decision and let it be. There’s not a right or wrong answer here, some people have no desire to meet bio parents, while others long for it. My main piece of advice for you and the kids is don’t have too many expectations (she’s been known to let these kids down before).

Best of luck to you and your children.
~ J.

I know this is very difficult for you C. as it certainly would be for me. If I were faced with this situation (and very possibly COULD be one day)I would have to call a family meeting. Although I know it would be very difficult I would have to pray and put my feelings to the side. Your children are now "young adults" and able to discern things for themselves. I would NOT want her to meet them if they were still say "8,9,and 10 but ultimately keep in mind, YOU can TOTALLY control the circumstances under which they meet. I would very calmly and gentley talk with your family/children about the fact that their birthmother has made it know that she would like to "meet" them. I would ask what their feelings were about this and if THEY would like to meet the woman. I think you might be surprised at the range of emotions that come forth. This might actually bring closure to some issues for your children that are "unknown" to you. Please try to view it as a good thing and look for the positives in it. I know it is hard to do. I will be praying for you.

It is my opinion that you should let them meet, but it should be up to the kids, they're old enough to make that decision. I don't know the circumstances of what happened 16 years ago but I believe everyone has the right to know where they came from. I hope this helps.

I believe that the children are old enough to make the decision for themselves whether or not they want to see her. They do not all three have to make the same decision either, it is an emotional and hard decision to have to make, but they should be mature enough by now to make it themselves.

I would ask the kids and let them decide. It's their choice about whether or not they want to see her anyway.

Truthfully Ma'am. I would let your children make that choice. If THEY want to see her or not, it is their choice.

I was adopted and have had no contact with my birth parents what so ever, I dont even know who they are, and Im 33 mind you, but I wouldnt mind meeting them, just to see who they are and find out my medical back ground. It doesnt make my MOM and DAD any less loved or respected, becaise it was THEIR hands that picked me up, THEIR lips that kissed the boo boos when I got hurt and THEIR love that walked me through life, not my birth parents. Unless this woman is a DANGER and would harm them physically,I would allow the children the chance to make that choice, they are old enough, it would be different if they were little.
Take care and good luck.

I'm sorry your going through this. I am in the process of adopting my nephew whom I've had since he was 9mo's old, he's now 3. His parents who never see him or call are trying to contest it. He know he has birth parents, and the plan is if he wants to see them he can, but I do not suggest forcing the matter. It would be up to the children which ever they decide just support them. I hope all goes well.

If you have a good relationship with the children, they will love you forever and appreciate the life you have given them more than ever as they mature in to adults. However, I'm afraid they would resent you for not allowing their biological mother to see them if they find out and they will because she will be able to contact them on her own as they become adults. If she would be any harm for the kids, call the police and attempt to have a restraining order against her. If not, there's really no choice, they should see her. Pray lots for understanding and love!

I think that would be up to the kids since they are probably old enough to make that decision

You have three young adults. In all the states I can think of they would have the decision on who they lived with in any custody battle.

Sit them down and have an open honest heart to heart talk. They may have questions you can't answer. They need to know if her mother died of brest cancer....

They are not going to dump you for her. You were the one who was there all that time. You pulled Christmas out of your ear every year. You threw all the birthday parties. You wiped their eyes and set up with them when they were sick. You not her were the one who went through all the little and the big things.
TRUST YOUR RAISING!
You know you did a good job. Odds are just as good as not they will not even want to see her.
Talk to your kids and all of you together FOLLOW YOUR Hearts. Be honest. Be loved. Be loving.

These kids know who their Mom is...that is you. I personally would allow the birth mother to see or meet the kids. I have a sister in law that was adopted, she became curious about her biological Mom when she was older and has since met her, and sees her maybe one time per year. Her real Mom passed away, but I think for her it was just a curiosity. From a practical perspective, it might be a good time to get some family history, health information questions answered. I have a nephew who was abandoned by his Dad, my sister always gave the bological dad access, but my nephew does not have interest in him. I think parents leave for a lot of reasons, sometimes selfish sometimes selfless, either way...it truely is their loss. Good luck to you

I would ask the children what they wanted, whether they wanted to see her or not? They are all teenagers and old enough to make that decision for themselves.

Dear C.,
I can only imagine what a difficult situation this is for you. I would focus on the children. How do they feel? What do they want to do? I would talk about possible outcomes, i.e., prepare them to deal with future disappointment from this person. You want to avoid them attaching to the dream that she will come back and be the mother of their dreams. Talk about feelings they will have if they choose to not meet with her as well.
Its important that they feel they are in charge of what happens, i.e., they choose to see her, they choose not to see her, or they choose to not see her now but maybe in the future. It is important that they decide the role she will play in their life and that they choose to not allow her to yoyo in and out of their life creating an emotional rollercoaster for them.
Hope this helps.
R. G

I think the kids are old enough to decide for themselves. I wouldn't make them, but I wouldn't want to stop them either, if they wanted too see her. You could talk to your kids and see how they feel about it.

I would have to say let her see them. At this time, they know who they love and who raised them. It will definetly will be emotional for everyone. But I wouldn't want them to have any anger in their heart thinking I kept them from meeting the person who gave birth to them. I would be there and be ready to give them emotional support. I wouldn't leave them alone with her. I'm sure you tried not to be negitive when they had asked about her in the past. Just keep that going. I've never had to deal with this personally, just through friends I grew up with.

I know one really has to be in the situation to know for sure, but as an outsider, I think I would ask the children if they would want to see their mother. If you don't feel that would be appropriate then I would just say no. It might make things more complicated. I think if you have a good relationship with your children and they are doing well, I would leave well enough alone. It sounds like the mom is just curious and really is doing this for herself only. B. S. RN CCM

Well you are their mom and you are the only one who knows what is best for them. I have 3 kids I adopted 3 years ago because their parents wanted the drugs more than the kids and they keep wanting to see them now, and I said No. But that is the best thing for them. You are the only one who knows your kids and whats best for them.

I would let them see her. It may be a really good idea for you to be there also. Children are always curious and will always have thoughts in their mind they may not express to you no matter how close you are with them. You will always be their mother. You did not say when you adopted them. But it would be best to be on the side of doing the righteous thing which will not give them a reason to hold it against you. They may forgive their mother. And think about it--it may have been the best thing that happened for them. Their life may not have been a good one with her at that time.

Why do I say this? Because I am a mother with two adopted children who are now adults. I supported my son when he met with his biological parents. He was 19 years old and spent some time with his bio mother and a lot more with his bio father. He does not keep in touch with his bio mother, but did keep in touch for a while with his bio father--who by the way is no comparison to his adoptive father. We still have the same close ties and we are still mom and dad. He is still a momma's boy. My daughter has not met hers yet, but will as soon as she finishes college. She and I have a good relationship. She has expressed to me wanting to met them and wanting to know why they gave her up. I told her they had their reasons, but that it was always better for the child. May God guide you in your decision. Maintain a good relationship with your children by allowing them or encouraging them to meet her. By all means don't speak negatively of her. Just tell them she had her reasons --and that they made not have been the best reasons, but now she wants to be a part of their lives.

ask the kids if they want to see her. they are old enough to decide

I would ask the kids what they would like to do!!!

I guess it depends on the circumstances. How old was the mother when she left, why did she leave, maybe she left because she thought it would be best. Maybe she didn't want to disturb anything while they were growing up and the kids wouldn't understand at that age. But she is the mother and maybe the kids should have a word too. Do they know? In the end it is up to you and I think also the kids. They are old enough to decide.Nobody knows the whole story,but you.I think it hard to give advice if you don't know the people that are involved. Hope you get through this one. M.

My sons are adopted by their father, but are my own children. I remember my oldest crying and asking me many times who his daddy is. I saved pictures and things to show him, but his dad had never been a part of his life since he was 2. I think looking back at it now and what I have seen with my own children, when they are 16,17,&18 they won't be fooled by this woman, but they do need to know that she loved them but maybe that she couldn't take care of them and so out of love gave them up for adoption so that they may have a better life. Most parents who back out of their kids lives that I have known, don't write or call because they don't want to upset anyone. But for the kids peace of mind as to their roots I think I would let her see them. They know who their REAL mom is and that is YOU. They probably won't even tell you that they would like to at least meet her just so not to hurt you. But they know who loves them and has cared for them all of these years. Just my experience with my boys with their father makes me think that you should let her see them. Probably only under your supervision at least until you are comfortable with her. These are just my thoughts, but my sons never got over this until they were in their mid 30's. It's just nice for them to know, but they also know that you are MOM, and no one can take that away!

C., it's easy to say what the right thing to do is, but I think you already know what it is! Someday your children will know how great your love for them was, but that could be when they have children of their own.
This lady has never been a Mom to them, and she'll ever take that from you.
My prayers are with you.

I would leave it up to the children, chances are they are angry with her anyway!

Hi C.! I have a son that I adopted and I can only imagine what you are going through. I am so blessed to have my son! Before we brought him home from the hospital, we got to visit with his birthmother and her sister. At first I wondered how I would feel if he wanted to find her one day, but I hope he does. I want her to see what an awesome person he is and I want the chance to tell her thank you for giving me the most wonderful gift I have ever received.
I don't know the circumstances surrounding the adoption of your kids, but I agree with everyone else that the children are old enough to decide. I would just be honest and straightforward with them. Prepare them for the positive and negatives of seeing (or not seeing)their birthmother again. The love and support that you have given them for the past sixteen years will allow them to make the decision that is right for them. I wish you and your kids the best of luck!!

This would be hard for me, but the kids are old enough now to decide on their own if they want to see her or not, and to an extent, they may even be curious to see her as well. I think that if it were me, I would let them make the decision to see her or not even if I really didn't want to. True enough, the birth mother really has no right to see them, but everyone deserves a second chance. She may be their birth mother, but you have been their Mommy, and they will never forget that. You just need to remember that too. On the other hand, if you don't allow them this chance, they may end up resenting you in the long run for not giving them the chance....

I'm certainly no pro and there are days when my children let me know that I am a far cry from perfect but I talked to my children who are 20 and 26 and they said that if you let them find out more about their biological mom that they will have their curiosity taken care of and they will love you more for not holding them back. My daughter also told me to tell you that she is a step child and because we let her go to visit her real dad that she decided on her own who really cared for her and loved her all these years.(She was 2 when her stepfather came into our lives and she believes that he is more than a father than her real dad will ever be.) Her real dad will never know what he truly missed.

I guess I may be in the same situation. I have 2 adopted children. First was adoption thru dhs where parental rights was terminated and other was a private adoption where bio knew she was unable to care for him. SO as for my first I have told her when she turns 18 if SHE wants to find her bio I will help her. But, will not offer. She pretty much understands her bio is NOTHING like sons bio. As for sons bio. I would have to see how mature he is and probly will also wait til he is 18 as well. But, I have not hard feelings towards his bio. Actually admire her for knowing her limitations and giving him a chance for a good prosperus life.
I think is should be YOUR childrens decision. NOT what bio wants.
Good luck and God Bless
Jan

it sounds like your kids are old enough to know what happened and if they want to ask her questions or just ignore her. this happened to a friend of mine,she adopted two kids and the birth family wanted contact with them as adults. one kid talked to them and one didn't and still doesn't want any contact.

U will always be their mom... u wiped their butts, u know their likes and dislikes an dwhat they are, what their allergic to and everything about them... she will never be able to get all that back.. don't fear your bond with those babies.. she will be a stranger to them and only if they allow her to come in.. to their lives would it be confusing and frustrating to them.. I would let them visit but be open and honest with them babies, they will see the hurt in your eyes and won't do that to you. She will be like a stranger on the streets to them trying to come in and exspecting to take over...in real life it does not work that way.. she has so many regrets and she wants to make up for all the loses.. chin up C. just be there for your babies..

This is a tough one because I can see it from both sides. You are protective of your beautiful children and don't want anything to hurt them. Besides, they most likely don't remember her at all anyway. Yet, she may be trying to deal with unresolved issues from her past. But it's not like you owe her this or anything, right? Nevertheless, if it were me, I would leave it up to each of your children. They may have always had questions they wanted to ask her and this could be a very important milestone in their lives. You don't have anything to worry about because you are their true mother. As well, they are old enough to make this decision now on their own. Had they been 8, 9, and 10, I might think otherwise. Good luck and God bless you for your choosing to adopt.

My Dad was adopted and the subject of the birth parents was taboo in the home. It led to all sorts of problems and rebellion with both him and my uncle. If your children know that you did not give birth to them I would ask how they felt about meeting her. If they have any curiosity, I would seek to satisfy it.

Oh My, first of all do the children know you are their adoptive parents? At the age they are now, I would think about leaving it up to THEM. I'd do some tall praying first and ask for God's guidance. But if they know, they are old enough to decide what they want to do. If they didn't want to face it and deal with it at this point, I would not force them too. If they are curious, they will come round to the real mother. She needs to know you support either decision they make and you will stand by THEM no matter what.

Say no. She already has done enough. If she went out and had more kids and kept them your kids will be very upset.My sister had friends that this happened too. Their mom left them with their dad and grandparents they were two and three. When she came back she had remarried and had three kids. The grandma told her you have hurt my boys enough just leave them alone.The boys never knew she came back.They were in jr. high school when she came back. They always thought they weren't good enough to have a mom, always wondered what they did wrong.

You are their mother, no matter who gave birth to them. They will not remember coming into the world, but they will remember the love, caring, and understanding you have provided for them all these years. They know who raised them and has been for them. You have.
If they want to see their biological mother, allow them that choice, to fulfill their curiosity about her. But remember, she has lost out on the most precious years of their growing lives, their childhood. She will never and can never replace you and what you have done for the children.
They will always turn to you for love and support and motherly care for the rest of their lives.

C., we're in a similar situation...contact your attorney & tell her "sorry, it's a little late" ! Do the children know the situation? I have a sister in law who is adopted (an uncle & a prostitute) she had 12 children by various men....the sister in law knew from the begining she was adopted & her mom told her when she was 18 & wanted to know she'd get the files. When she did contact the "bio" mom it opened a can of worms...she did it for the medical background. I just wouldn't allow it as it would open a can of worms for you! We've got two of my hubby's grandkids & have for almost 8 yrs. (different dads) & "bio" mom called around Christmas..we told her to call our attorney ! I wish you the best & you're in my prayers!

I think I would ask the children....at 16, 17 and 18 they sound old enough to understand and make their own decisions. I wouldn't be surprised though if they each reacted differently....and even if one, all or none wanted to see her.

I would let the kids make the choice, if they want to see her or not. Because most of the time they really wouldn't want to see someone that left them.

What a difficult situation. There are so many factors here that you don't mention it is hard to give any advice. You don't discuss any of the details regarding her leaving. Is the father still in the picture? What do the children want to do? Do they ever ask about her? If they have no desire to see her then you can stop worrying about what to do. Is the biological mother stable emotionally and mentally? Why does she want to see them now? What is she hoping to accomplish by seeing them? You might want to talk to a counselor or therapist with expertise in children's health. Their pediatrician or family practice physician can probably refer you to someone.

We will be in this situation in several years. We just adopted children whom we have had since they were 7 1/2 months old, 1 1/2 and 2 1/2. They are now 2, 4, and 5. We have kept in touch with the maternal grandfather and paternal grandparents and they are very much a part of their lives. I was a former social worker for about two years but my mom did this for many years. I would not allow the children to see the mom until they are out of your home. She could cause a lot of problems. She could divide loyalties and lie. Teenagers can be rebellious and I for one want them to make By the way the mother the decisions when they are old enough to not feel they are rebelling against us. Please let me know what you decide as it may help me to change my mind but I think the risk is too great. Tellher she can see them when they are 21. She has waited all these years she can surely wait some more to help her family. We tell our kids that their mom and dad made bad choices. Let mem know what you think of this. (I know the mother and actually like her but she has habitually liked and has been into all kinds of drugs. I think it is knowing her history and her personnally that has helped me make that decision....as well as the emotionally damage my kids have suffered.

Dear C. C,

I think this is a very tricky situation. While I disagree with leaving your children and not having contact with them for 16 years, the mother may have had good reason. Of course, I do not know the whole story. YOU are their mother now. It is your instinct to protect them. Make sure the birth mother does not have any negative motives, pray about the situation,and ask your children what thy want. They are, after all, old enough to understand and decide what they want. Respect whatever your children decide. You don't want them to resent you. Again, prayer and communication with each other will result in the best possible family decision.

Good luck, I will pray for your family.
N.

You don't mention whether the children WANT to see their mother. If they do, you should most certainly "let" them, though they really are old enough to decide for themselves, anyway. No matter what, she is still their mother. If they do want to see her, and you are the one who prevents it, they are going to resent you for not allowing them this contact. Most every person has some inner desire to attempt to somehow connect--on whatever level that might be--with the biological parents, especially the mother. You must remember this is the woman who carried and gave birth to these children, and no matter what else she's done (or sounds like what she didn't do), it may be very important to the children's mental health for them to have contact with their mother, especially if the mother is trying to initiate it. I know it is hard to be the one who's done all the "work" of raising the children only to have the parent show-up way down the road wanting to suddenly come around, but instead of thinking selfishly like "Oh, NOW you come around after I did all the hard part!", you MUST think about what is best for thos children. If they want and need to see their mother, you should leave that door wide open for them without trying to guilt them or pressure them about their decision. I cannot stress how important this is. You must put your own feelings aside. This is not your battle to fight! This is about the children.

C.
I adopted my granddaughter in 2006. I have had her all her life. She is now 12. The mother has had no contact and she is local. Ask the children what they want and how they feel about it. I left this up to my now daughter and she tried to get in touch with her mom with no success. She had an address to the mom and grandmother. Her curiosty was satisfied and her mom and grandmother did just what she thought they would. She has never mentioned them again.

If theses young people have a desire to see her, leave it up to them. I think I would probably meet with her first, because 16 years is a long time. Don't ever let the kids say, you would not let them see this person. They will learn things for themsevles.

You did the right thing adopting them. Everyone wants to belong to someone. Ask God to guide you through your journey and to make the right decisions. He will show you the way.

Let us know how it all goes
S. MIller

My husband's nephews came to live with us when they were 11 & 12 and my 1st son was 1. We now have a 1, 4 1/2, 15, and 16 y/o boys. We did not officially adopt the boys and their divorced parents live only 30 mins from us but rarely make an effort to see them. We do not prevent them from contacting their birth parents but the boys never call or ask to see them. Just talk with your kids and see how they feel. Don't get offended if they want to see her b/c they probably just want answers and closure.

Not about her, not about you, about the kids. Ask them how they feel, but also be the protective parent and determine if they are mature enough to handle it. And know that she can't replace you but she may have grown enough to be a friend to them.
B.

C., I don't envy this decision because I know it is a difficult and painful one to make. I think (and I say think because truly I'm not 100% sure) that I would sit down with the kids and be honest with them about the situation. They are old enough to help you make your decision. One of them might not want to see her and that is ok. I would talk with the children and talk about how they might feel after seeing their mother. I would pray for their mother with them. I will pray for you and your decision.

C. - good on you for taking these kids in and giving them a loving home. :)

I agree about you meeting with the birth mother and screening her. She might not be in a state to meet the kids. If she is, though, I'd approach the kids and see how they feel and leave that decision up to them.

My sister was adopted by my father. She never met her biological father, but it wasn't her decision - I know she would've liked to have met him and said a few things to him.

I have an adopted son also, only she gave him up at birth. I would see what the children would want. I think when they are 18 they are old enough to decide if they want any contact with her. I think people are always curious as to who they came from (my dad gave me up when I was 3 and I always wonder things about him, not that I would have wanted to go live with him or anything)

I've wondered the same thing. My ex-husband didn't have anything to do with my boys. Just enough to keep his rights. He'd pay child support ($52.00 a week is all he had to pay)once every few months and he would see them once every 8 months. The only time I would get what he owed them was when I took him to court. Which was after six months of not receiving child support. I was fed up and stopped bothering with it. He kept paying like always and didn't see my boys for a whole year. My husband has been their daddy and he wanted to adopt them. We didn't say anything to them about it though. Finally, they decided themselves that they wanted their dad out of the picture and have my husband adopt them. We went to court and once my ex found out he wouldn't have to pay child support he signed over his rights. My boys told him they wanted Jeff, my husband, to adopt them and change their names. The judge knew all of us and he knew that this would be the best thing for them. They have not seen him since June 2, 2006. They are 16 & 13 years old. They haven't asked to see him and vice versa, but we have talked about it, thought about it, and prayed about it. He has hurt my children in every way possible. Physical, mental, and emotional. For us to teach our children of forgiveness, we must lead in like manner. I have forgiven him and God will deal with him in due time. No, I do not want my kids around him, because he is a dope head. My kids are still at that influential age, so I'm keeping them away from him for their own good. But, if he was to get cleaned up, get his life straightened out, wanted to see them, and they him? It would be hard, but I would have to say okay. But, he would have to meet them at our house, there would be rules laid down for sure. All kids who are going through this, deserves a face to face explanation from the parent who deserted them. They shouldn't have to go through life thinking it was their fault. You tell them it's not, but it isn't the same coming from
you. Why? Because you have always been their, you never left them. Let them have that meeting under your supervision, under your rules. Let them decide on what they want to do. They already resent her, don't cause them to resent you. They'll love you even more, plus they will learn what forgiveness really means. If they do decide they want to have something to do with her, have her come to your house to see them. When they are 18 they are adults and will make their own decision about this. This is what my husband and I have decided to do. If that day ever comes, he will have to come here. But, only if they want to see him and hear what his excuse has been.When they turn 18, they will be adults and can make their own decision. If it ends up being a not so good meeting then I would not let them see her again. A few weeks ago, I ran into my ex-husband's grandmother. She was wanting them to come visit and possibly stay the night. I told her in a nice way that that wasn't likely going to happen. My gut instinct told me something was up. She has my number, she knows where I live, but has never tried to contact them. I told her this. I also, told her that if she ever wanted to talk to them to call me or come by my house and see them. That I didn't trust her to have them at her house and keep my ex away from them. I was right to trust my gut, because my ex was at her house the weekend she wanted them. My kids know she doesn't call and they know she never comes by. They don't resent me or Jeff. So, the right thing to do is ask your kids what they want, respect their wishes, and you lay down the rules. You could even meet her first, so you can get an idea of what she's all about or up to. Mainly, trust your gut. I hope and pray all ends well for you and your family.
God Bless!
H. C

C.,i hope she has a good reason doing what has been done. this wasn`t fair to them. they need to know history & why they were given away or left behind. children they very special at that age. but when older there could be lot of resentment towards there mom. children will need closure for sure questions will be ask.

Hello,

I think those children are almost adults and they should have the majority vote in that decision. I do not know the situation but if the mother is on a good path in her life than I would encourage each child to really consider meeting her. If you are clueless I might get a christian counselor involved to help. I think it would be good for them if they are curious but at the same time they might not know how to emotionally handle it. She will never replace you - YOU are their mother but I would not hold them back if they like the idea of knowing about her and maybe getting to know her a little.

C.,
I know that you probably don't want to hear this, but the children are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to meet their biological mother or not. I adopted 3 girls who were taken away from their mother for neglect. She was more involved with her alcohol and drugs than with them. The middle one wants to hang on a bit to her biological roots, but the other two want nothing to do with their biological mother. I have let the middle one read letters from her bio mom but we have not made contact otherwise. The letters seemed to satisfy her desire for now. In fact, she recently said that she didn’t care who her biological mother is. You have to trust in the love that you have for your children and let them decide.
S.
Mother of 5

Wow, this is SO emotional from both sides. Nothing can take away the care that you have given these children. Nothing can take away the love and appreciation they have for all that you have done in their lives. You have been immensely blessed to have been given 3 children to raise. Whether you believe the bible or not forgiveness is unbelievable good for the body (and soul). Why be greedy. Yes the mother was wrong to give up the children. But DO NOT THINK for one minute that this mother has not lived with guilt and regret for all these years and all the joys and pleasures she has missed and were bestowed upon you. The children also need to be taught love and forgiveness. How would you want to be treated after you have made a mistake. Just because her mistake may have been "more horrible" than any you have made, doesn't mean she should be any less forgiven than you are. I'm not saying it will be easy, but it would good for all involved if she be allowed to see the children.

At the age your children are now...they are old enough to decide if they want to see her themselves I think. I think it is out of your hands...when they were small you could have more pull on the situation but I think now you should just let them decide if they want her in their lives...that is just what I would do. Good luck to you.

Hi C.,
This is tough! Have you thought about asking your kids if They want to see her? Maybe they are curious.
I seriously DON'T believe that they would think more of her than their "Mom"-You are since you have loved them and raised them regardless of whether you gave birth to them or not.
I think it might not be a bad idea to ask (maybe at least the oldest one who is an adult now) and see what the kid (s) have to say about it. They might not Want to see her and that would be the end of it.
If they DO want to see her, I'd make sure it was in a public place and not let her come to your house, just in case she has some demons she is still struggling with.
I hope this helps. I"ll be praying-let us know how it goes.
:-) C.

I don't really know what I would do in that situation I am sure it is hard for you. Do your kids know that she wants to see them? I have a really hard time in life my dad walked out when I was born and we have seen each other here and there but he really doesn't have anything to do with me. It affects me every day of my life. So I know how hard it can be on children and to this day I want him in my life no matter what but he isn't here. I think for me since I have been threw this with my dad I would leave it up to the children they are old enough at this point to make that decision. Like I said I know it is going to be hard for you but it is more about how the kids feel. They know you raised them and I am sure they love you as thier biological mother she will never be able to have the relationship that you have had with them and will always have with them. HUGS

honestly if i were you i would let them know that she wants to see them and let them make there own decision you dont have to be happy with it but what if they have questions for her? if you were them and the same thing happened to you wouldnt you want to make your own decision just ask yourself what you would want your mom youve grown up with to do?

C., when I was 19 my mom, who didn't lead and examplary life, became pregnant and gave the child up for adoption. I tried to get my mom to let me keep her. I was there when she was born and I have prayed for her just about every day since. A few years ago, shortly after my mother died, (she died at the age of 54) my sister got in touch with me. I love her still as much as when she was born. My mom gave her up because she wasn't in the right frame of mind or have the financial means to raise her. She had barely been able to raise us- me and three other siblings. She had married men that were not nice and didn't take their responsibilities seriously and without an education and a viable income it was very hard to say the least. We were exposed to alot of things we shouldn't have been. My mom did try to get help from DHS back then however they wouldn't help either. My mom was even a licensed beautician and couldn't make ends meet with four kids.(they make a whole lot more these deays)
In saying all this, when I did meet my sister again after all these years she confided her mom didn't want her to meet us. Her mom was scared. I thank God for her mom that did raise her and all the things she was saved from. I have told her mom this and that she is welcome in my home any time. God gives us big enough hearts for more people in our lives we just ussually close it off for fear of being hurt or left.

A little about me: I have raised three sons, mostly without the help of their dad. I am currently raising two foster sons and been asked to adopt them. I have had them for almost two years.

C., it is hard to know what to do. If the kids know they are adopted, ask them what they want and go from there. I would make sure she is a good person first.