Child Swap Gone Bad

My niece is on the aggressive side and for a long time I didn't say or do anything because I didn't want to offend my sister. Then one day I realized that if I wasn't going to protect my kids then no one would. Now I firmly lay down the rules when my niece comes to visit and I don't care if my sister hears me being firm or not. Since I have started doing this, she behaves better at my house than she does her own; and my sister has never said anything to me about it. She will even back up sometimes. Good luck.

I would talk with his mother when the kids weren't around. Let her know about his behavior and ask how she disciplines. Together make a plan for redirecting his behavior. Perhaps not a "normal" time out but having to separate or even go home.

You have tried stopping him, telling him no pushing, no hitting and briefly separating them? Telling him to be gentle, that hitting, pushing hurts. etc. This would be a teaching approach. Perhaps the book, How to Talk so Children will Listen and LIsten so Children will Talk by Mazlish and would help in learning a different approach that would click with him.

Is he aggressive out of anger? That might be a different story. If he's angry all the time, I'd probably stop the play dates.

How does your daughter respond to billy?? Does she use a firm NO, stop hitting! Dont push me! this might be a great time to teach your daughter under your guidance to stand up for herself! she will meet kids like this in school and needs to know how to handle it. Teach her tattling is OK if she is being hurt. You and Chloe need to make a big fuss every time Billy is inappropriate! Dont be afraid to be Very Firm when you are babysitting him. It is not our job to always be there to protect our daughters (I know we want to..) it is our job to teach them to protect themselves! Start now while you are close by

Call it quits. That is not okay. I know this is the neighbor's boy, but I personally grew up with a brother who pushed me off tables/chair, kicked a red ant hill on me when I was 5, pushed me down stairs... I ended up in the ER with a concussion, the doctors had to keep shaking me awake. If he is acting like that it's time to just stop, spanking wouldn't help that even if they did believe in it he sounds very aggressive and that fuels the fire... but if they aren't going to teach him to respect her cut it off. Your daughter's safety is always first. You said he has always hit her? Why wasn't it cut off when it started happening?! Sounds like it just escalated, nothing changed it just escalated because no one stopped him or was protecting this poor girl from being bullied (that's what it sounds like with the constant hitting).

I agree with Mrs. Lavallie, I think you were way under reacting. Once he hit her and didn't respond to me telling him not to it would've been done. My daughter's safety is always first and politeness doesn't come before it by any means.

Do what you are comfortable with, but I will tell you this: I teach this age group. I tell them "put your listening ears on" (hands around ears), "eyes on me" then tell them to stop and warn them that if they do it again, they get a time out." Since this is more a play date thing, I'd warn him with not being able to come over anymore. One of my preschool kids brought a Barbie yesterday. She didn't want anyone to touch it. I told her that if she didn't want to share that she couldn't bring toys to my house anymore because we share in this house.
A firm warning should set him straight. If not, I'd part ways for a little while until it gets better. Kids this age are just like that though, rough around the edges and soft on the inside and always seeking guidance!

does chloe still like to be around him? ppl say boys will be boys...but parents need to be parents. ( not saying you arn't at all) i would go talk to the parents of the little boy, with out the kids around. maybe there is something bigger going on... i would make sure BOTH of the kids are ok. and i would stop the swap thing till you really know whats going on and can make a good choice :)

Yeah, I would've stopped having "child swaps" after the first pushing down the stairs incident. You are her mother, right? YOUR responsibility to keep her safe. Who puts their child in danger just to remain "polite" to the other parent or not to seem liked they're "overreacting?" I'm sorry, I think you are WAY UNDERREACTING. Your child could get seriously injured...and then how are you going to feel, knowing that you are putting her in a situation where you KNEW this stuff was going on?

Here's what I would do (which doesn't mean you will. Do what makes YOU comfortable):
1st: Tell the mom about the problem and ask what she does at her house when this happens. Try to follow suit. One time. If it doesn't work at your house, you need a different plan.
2nd: Tell her it's not working and Chloe is getting upset when she sees Billy now. Tell her that you would like to impose natural consequences: If Billy doesn't take your direction and stop being physical, his mom immediately comes over and he goes home. ASAP. She needs to be on call, ready to take him so he understands hitting = leaving. Be nice about it. Just tell him "we'll try again tomorrow. Bye bye!" And then try again tomorrow. With his mom at the ready. And for as many days as it takes.
3rd: If she is unwilling to do this, tell her you need a break for Chloe's sake. And then you CAN try again with you both present.

Also try lots of positive reinforcement when he's being gentle or when he stops hitting and starts being gentle.

First hit = time to go home

Talk with it with your friends ahead of time.

"While Billy's in this hitting phase, I think what we need to do from our end is first hit = time to go home. I know this is going to cut things short for awhile, but I'd rather not discontinue the playdates until he grows out of this, since I know it can take awhile for them to get the hang of using their words or taking a time out on their own."

Then, first hit, and Billy has to go. First hit at their house and Billy can't play any more.

"I'm sorry, Chloe, Billy isn't allowed to play with other kids when he's hitting/ learning to be a good friend. We do NOT hit our friends, do we, Billy? That's NOT how we treat our friends. Maybe next time."

Same phrase in both houses.

It does triple duty:

1) Being a good friend is a learned behavior
2) No hitting = serious consequence (playdate cancelled)
3) Not to accept being hit, even by people we like

Just have an honest talk with her about it, does he do that to Chloe when they are playing at his house? That would be a huge concern. I'd just ask her if she's noticed it lately and what she does when it happens. The other option would be to "take a break" for a few weeks and maybe it will renew the way they play the next time they are together. Finding more constructive things for them to do, like fingerpainting or puzzles, something where they keep their hands more busy will keep little billy from playing too aggressively possibly.

Call it quits. Better to err on the side of safety for your daughter's sake.
Look out for your child's welfare.
You just don't want to take any chances. I'd do this immediately.

Call it quits. It's the end of the summer. A good time for transitions into new routines anyway. I would in the kindest way possible tell Billy's Mom that his play is a little too aggressive for Chloe right now so you need to take a break from child swapping. If she gets mad or gets defensive, stand firm. "Sorry, we've tried. It's just not working out for us right now, maybe we can try again when the kids are a little older."