Cheating

Wow! That is a hard one. I too have been married for 10 years Nov 23rd 2006 and I have not heard of my husband nor have I seen him cheat. The way I see it, he committed adultry and he will have to answer to the Lord for that one. The Lord has seen what he has done and the Lord has already taken care of it. I have a friend that is going through the same combo, and she actually moved out of her home and moved into an apartment. Her neighbor is the other woman that was with and still seeing her husband. The nerve of these women sometimes!

I also have been in a relationship for 10 years. My husband had a very bad addiction to phone sex, when I told him enough was enough and the problem didn't stop I felt I had no choice but to move out. I came home about a month later to find out he had cheated on me out of anger for moving out. I found myself so depressed that I couldn't take care of my child, I was desperate for an answer to the problem. I know every couple is different and my advice may be of no help to you but I have learned that if you dont let your feelings known your anger will make the problem worse, but please dont take that as a right to belittle the person. I think that the so called friend is no friend at all and shouldn't be apart of your lives. I would say that couples counseling is a good idea that way it gives you and your husband a time to express your feelings in a controlled setting, so no one feels bullied or ignored and you can that way have a set time to talk about it and leave it alone the rest of the time so it dosnt consume your marriage. Good luck to you the road ahead is going to be a hard and there will be set backs along the way but be strong. Remember your husband has to want this to work as bad as you do.

Hi M.,
First of all Please stop referring to that woman as your friend. Because she is not a true friend wouldn't even look at your man as anything but a unich.Secondly you don't ever get passed it but if you decide to stay I think you two should get in counseling ASAP, so you can start dealing with the betrayal.
Please do not let that woman in your life again and by all means let her know what and why you think ill of her.In a non violent manner of course. I had this happen to me years ago and when I confronted the other woman in public of course I never once raised my voice above a normal lady like tone. My mother taught me a saying that i repeated to myself, "What would a lady do?" Trust me it works and after I confronted her I was stopped and complimented by bystanders. Of course I patiently waited until I was in public to confront her because it was her shame not mine and I wanted other people to know who and what she was. I know it sounds passive aggressive but it did feel good and not only was she humiliated but so was my ex, he was there to .

I have experience from a different perspective. My dad cheated on my mom with her "best" friend when I was around 13. He then confided in me that he was doing it and used me as a sounding board for his guilt and why he was doing it. My mom eventually found out, blamed me for not telling her bla bla bla.....
They are still married 15 years later. Here is some advice what NOT to do:
1. If your going to stay in the marriage GO TO COUNSELING, couple and individual. I don't know your situation, but my mom almost drove my dad to do it with her negative attitude. She still is a very angry person all the way around. If the first counseler doesn't work, try another. If the hubby refuses to go GO ON YOUR OWN, believe me it will only help.
2. DON'T TALK TO THE KIDS ABOUT IT. Enough said.
3. If you DO stay together, and your husband is doing his part, by going to counseling, rebuilding the trust, kissing the ground you walk on, do YOUR part. FInd out what brought it on, some men are just pigs, but others may have a reason. (There is never a GOOD reason, but hear what he has to say).
4. Whatever the outcome, release your anger. My mom has always been an angry person. But she has never really forgiven my dad and forgiveness is huge. You can't carry that burden with you forever. She is belitteling to him still, mad, depressed, a mess that always blames other people for her problems. Don't become that!! Rise above it!! If you kick the bastard out, then don't dwell on it. Get counselinig, look at this as a HUGE REASON to change your lifestyle, and your attitudes to be a better person in the end! I will pray for you and your family. I know how terrible this can be. Please if you feel the need to talk feel free to email me. Good Luck
Mel

M.,

First of all, I hope you are no longer friends with that woman. Second, talk about it, resolve it and then move forward. With your husband of course. That works for my boyfriend and I when we have a problem in our relationship. Wishing the best.

T.

One word counseling.
Unfortunally, I’ve been in your situation. If you want it to work out you must insist that you both see a counselor. I do not know your history, but I can tell you there is forgiveness after an affair. It takes a lot of work and rebuilding of the trust. If you really think it is not going to work out. Then seek out a good attorney and get your family into counseling to help them over come their loss. Either way, counseling will be your best bet.
As far as the friend goes, no contact EVER! This was not a friend of yours, so realize that door is closed and move on to friends who look out for you.
I hope for the best for you and your family. Stay strong and get some professional help.

M., while there is no easy answer to your question, I can only tell you that through my own personal experience with the same situation, it takes time. I was insecure, suffered depression, and never felt I was worthy of a girlfiend, because I felt they were only nice to me because of my husband. Only through communication, counseling, and time were we able to build our relationship back again. We have now been married 22 years, and while it has not always been easy. We made the choice to fight for what was important and not take the easy way out. It is important to remember if you can learn from your mistakes then it has been a life lesson well learned. If you want to move ahead with the future you must leave the past behind. Good Luck!!!!!!

Has your husband begged for your forgiveness? Has he quit having any communication w/ the "friend"? Has he shown you through his BEHAVIOR, not his WORDS that he feels remorse and wants to work on the marriage? He has to man up and do all this things first before you can work on getting passed the affair. He is going to have work really hard to regain your trust as it takes a long time to rebuild it. Me personally, I don't believe marriages are ever the same after an affair, but for some people it's a learning lesson for both spouses. Some people come out stronger after it as long as they TALK to each other lot about it and find out why they did it and what needs to be changed in the marriage so everyone's needs are met so it doens't happen again.

Dear M.,

I don't know how you get passed it, except to say that at least you want to continue your marriage.

I guess that you tell you husband how hurt you are. Tell your friend that you know about it. No yelling or fighting. Just tell them and get on with your life. Do not let them make you miserable. And don't you make them miserable.

If they don't respect your wishes, then go for advice from a dear older friend. Do not do anything in a hurry. Just realize that you are in charge of the situation - that is, you do not have to stay in this if it is going to continually making you feel disrespected.

Pray and listen for advice and good ideas. Don't let a lot of people know, it is none of their business. It is your business.
Sincerely, C. N.

So I guess you want to work things out with your husband and put the cheating passed you? First I would cut the "friend" out of your life, and get on the same page as your husband about that. Even if she is apologetic etc. You don't need her around especially when you are trying to get passed things.Counseling would be a big help. If he doesn't want to go, at least go by yourself. Is he willing to work things out? Is he sorry for the cheating?

My husband and I went through that about 5 years ago. There are a few books that saved our marriage:

The Five Love Languages - Garry Chapman
Fall In Love, Stay In Love - Willard Harley

But the most influential was:

Surviving an Affair - Willard Harley

Some things I learned were:

9 years is a long time to get to know someone. Who's to say that if I started over, it wouldn't be worse next time. At least I knew him...right?

Marriage is not about the warm fuzzies everyone talks about and leaves because they are gone for. Marriage is a promise that no matter what you will be by eachother's side to lift them up when they fall -- whether it's you or him.

You can get past this and have the most amazing marriage you've ever dreamed of. You just have to care enough to work on it. Professional counseling is great too because it is a neutral safe place to work out the issues that have been created by the indiscretion, and a great place to find out what led to it.

I wish you all the best, and if you ever need to talk to someone, you can email me and I'll give you my phone number. Hang in there!!

You'll be OK. :-)

Hi M.,

I just found out my husband had been cheating on me for a while now. One thing I knew before I entered any marriage was that I didn't tolerate cheating. I filed for divorce in July after 9 years of marriage. I don't know how to move forward....just one day at a time. The best thing for me was to move on without him. Of course this might not be the best course of action for many people....but I knew in my heart I would never trust him. So, as of now I am waiting for our divorce to be finalized.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Only you know the answer!

First thing.. sorry this happened to you. Second thing in my opinion you need to figure out if it is something you want to get past and still be with him. If it is ask him to help you get past it. Whether it be talking to someone not involved or splitting for a while..
Speaking to someone doesn't have to be a professional it just can be someone you both trust and would look at this impartially.

If you don't want to get past it and be with him.. figure out your next step.. where will you go.

Hi M.. It's going to take time to get over this. But are you happy with your husband? Do you guys get along? Do you really want to throw away ten years of marriage over this? You need to ask yourself these questions very seriously. You do not want to be miserable for the rest of your life. The only way you can seriously get over this is completel forgiveness. If you can't do that, then you should think about seperation, divorce, etc. But I, personally think that 10 years should not be thrown away over one incdent. Its your call though. Only you really know if your going to be able to get over this. Good Luck and Best wishes, T.

P.S. If you need someone to talk to...I got expreince in heart break. Feel free to message me.

I think the first questions that need to be answered are How did you find out? Did he tell you or was he busted? How long was the affair? Was it a mistake or a relationship that he started? Why did he choose to do this with a "friend"? Do you think that you can learn to live with this and truly put this behind you? Is he willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel better and trust him again? Are you staying out of fear of what life would be like without him? Are the things you love about him really him or what you want him to be? Once you have answered these questions you need to commit yourself to your decision and put this behind you. Do not contact that so called friend again she has proven who she really is.

This is your life and you should take this time to be truly selfish and do what is going to be best for you. We as women have a tendency to try and rationalize the horrible behavior of others and always look for a way to forgive them but I think that you can forgive someone without allowing them the same access into your world that they once had. Remember you are the victim here. By the way no one is ever driven to cheating- it is a choice. So, what ever decision you make have it be about you and your happiness.

By the way I was married for 10 years and my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. I thought that I would stay for our son but realized that I was miserable and was setting the wrong example for my son of what a marraige was about. Our relatioship was so bitter and got better after divorce. I have since re-married and I have a wonderful husband and a great life. I am so glad that I followed my own heart.