Change Spoiled, Negative Teenager Who Complains,and Nothing's Ever Good for Them

You both need to be in therapy. The problem is that you both fell into a way of interacting that isn't healthy for either of you. Her telling lies is a big problem but you being guilted into stuff is a bigger one. Make an appointment today and get on track with a healthy way to communicate with each other.

Intensive counseling is the best way.

If she's had a lot of loss, she may be traumatized. If she's spoiled, well, who exactly spoiled her and gave in to her demands every time? Sounds like you felt sorry for her and so you indulged every whim, and now you have a massive problem on your hands.

My concern is that a child with this kind of terrible habit reinforced for years will, by the teen years, throw herself into the arms of any older teen or adult man who promises her what she wants in the moment. This is a high risk situation. Get professional help for your daughter and to develop a parenting style that is effective and not so indulgent.

And you posted this question 12 times - I have notified the moderators and asked them to delete the repetitive ones, but FYI you'll probably get a mix of responses on different entries until this is fixed. So they may not be sequential.

Spoiled, negative, complaining teenagers... only child or not are not born that way... they are created.

You are the parent who created this monster.

Your best bet for reform is likely counseling for BOTH of you.

That said... I have a 23 yr old only child who was not spoiled but well taken care of and she’s has more than her share of heartbreak and things to deal with. We’ve had moments here and there but we always know that we are each other’s rock.

Get both of you in counseling so you can parent without guilt and she can hopefully come through her grief and troubles and grow up healthy.

One word: therapy. She is in serious need of support and help getting through her issues. Do it, sooner than later. She may have serious depression and that is why she lashes out at you, because she doesn't know how to deal with her anger and sadness from all the losses she's had in her life. Most people aren't equipped to handle such heavy emotions, much less, young kids, and when it happens often, they tend to act out, like she is, as a form of a cry for help. Get her the help she is seeking. Best of luck.

How old is she?

If she's lost everyone except for you but is spoiled - I'm afraid that you're the one who's spoiled her.
You can try counseling but I'm afraid that this might just her personality and will never change.
You are describing my sister to a T.
My sister is in her 50's and is STILL like this - she never out grew it.

You need some counseling to determine why you've spoiled her.
What ever guilt you are feeling - it needs to stop being your motivation.

You're job is to raise her to a point of being independent - after that she has to mature on her own the rest of the way.
Your job is not necessarily to please her - if she's not pleased you are going to have to be ok with that.
If there's no pleasing anyone then simply please yourself.

If she's an adult then you need to disengage when ever she starts throwing things into your face.
Simply hang up.
If she's a teen and is still living with you - you need to tell her that she has to work on her exit plan.
Since she is so unhappy she has to get an education, get a job and move out so she can go be happy somewhere else.

I'm not going to place blame. I don't think that's helpful. I will say what you're experiencing isn't unique. Pretty much every parent of teens I've talked to has similar complaints. I have the same problem. It's easy for kids to get spoiled today -- having the latest technology, for instance. Yes, you can make your teen play with blocks and not get them a phone, but it's extremely hard today. It just is. Our kids have older model phones, but have them to socialize with friends and keep in contact with us when they're out.

One thing that can help is giving your teen perspective. Sign up to volunteer in some way in the community, whether it's a special event or ongoing need. Expose her to the hardships of others. Have your teen choose some gifts for older kids for Toys for Tots. My kids really get into it and surprise me every year with how thoughtful they are with the budget I give for choosing gifts.

My best advice when dealing with rude, defiant behavior is to be just as extreme in return, meaning put your foot down and don't tolerate it. My teen has ODD, so I'm a regular in dealing with rude, defiant behavior. Teen is disrespectful to you or anyone else? Take away a privilege immediately, whether it's a phone, time with friends, whatever is your child's currency. It's earned back through improved attitude not just for a day, but over time.

As far as the negativity, our teen also has depression and anxiety, and those fuel negativity. Could there be more there than usual teen angst? Give it some thought and don't hesitate to seek a therapist if you think there's more going on.

The teen years are HARD. I tell people they call it the Terrible Twos to distract you from the even more Terrible Teens ahead. It's a tough time! Far bigger issues than you face with toddlers.

Hang in there, mom!

Sounds like a typical teen. You will only feel guilty if you let yourself, don't let her manipulate you like that. If she has had a lot of loss in her life I might also recommend a therapist for her, she may not want to talk at first but it could be a help.

she sounds pretty awful.

it's a pity that you've created this little monster.

it's pretty late to start effectively parenting her, but there's really no other good answer, is there?

there's too much to address here. i suggest counseling for each of you individually. you need to be able to respond to her awfulness in calm, appropriate fashions. she needs a safe space to vent about her losses and lack of support and necessary boundaries.

and counseling together as well so you can both learn how to communicate effectively.

or just grit your teeth and hang on until she's old enough to leave. she'll be setting out in the world woefully unprepared to deal with it, but at least she won't be your problem any more, right?

khairete
S.

I’m sorry you are going through this, and I’m sorry she has lost people, but I’m going to be a bit blunt here. Apologize if you want, but only do it ONCE. She is manipulating you, trying to make you feel guilty so she can get away with stuff. Enough with that. Stop feeling sorry for her and just ignore her complaining. Tell her that she still has to clean up regardless because that’s life.

If she wants privileges, she has to earn them. No car, no updated cell phone. Doing her work and not lying is how she earns privileges.

I am guessing that she's learned that at least some of the time she gets what she wants with this behaviour. I also think you are angry and argue with her. When she argues she gets your attention which may be a part of the reason she does this. Negative attention is better than no attention.

Of course you're angry. Of course you sometimes give in to stop the battle. Both are usual reactions. You can't change her but you can change the way you react to her.

I suggest you say no and leave the room or hang up the phone so you won't get sucked in to her fight. She's heard your lectures. No need to repeat them. Learn to be matter of fact, yes or no. Do not try to prove your point to her. She doesn't listen.

You are the parent. It is your responsibilty to be firm and not continue a fight. When you argue with her, you are trying to convince her you're right. You know she doesn't agree. Give up on that tactic. It doesn't work and upsets you.

She manipulates you with her anger. She wants a fight. She has succeeded in making you angry. She hope's that you'll give in to what she wants to end the fight.

All along, you have the power to stop the fight. Say no! Walk away. If you need to leave the house or lock yourself in a room so you won't fight, do it. Separate yourself from her. Say to yourself "I can do this."

This is a new way of handling the situation. You will have to consistently do this, maybe for weeks, because her asking for stuff and you blowing up has gone on for years. Habits are hard to break.

I like the song I'm a woman, hear me roar! This means that you're confident that you are right. You are right to not give in and to take care of yourself. You are the parent! You are right to enforce your boundary. No means no. Stop arguing. Walk away.

I agree that counseling will help. It will be hard for you to not argue. Counseling can help you learn ways to manage your anger. I also agree that you and your daughter going can help both of you how to talk with each other. Your daughter should be in counseling too but I expect she won't go.

If I knew your daughter's age, and history of losses, I might be able to give a better answer.

Re: lying. My daughter lied as a teen. She knew I knew because I knew her and her friends. Same with my grandchild who has lived with me since they were 15. I didn't punish, accuse or yell. I just gave this look that said I doubt that is true. I rewarded the truth.

Give permission based on what you think is true. She says she's going to a friends house. She's lied about that before. My answer was no. Sometimes, I took her and picked her up.

I made it comfortable for friends to hang out at my house. I got to know them. I played attention to what the did and how they acted. I never said someone couldn't come over except when my granddaughter asked me too.

To parent teens one has to respect them even when the disrespect you. I refuse to argue. I walk away. My action shows them I won't be disrespected. No need to lecture. She knows she's been disrespectful. I'm the adult responsible for teaching her how to behave. I have power. She doesn't.

Along with using my power, I consciously give her power in appropriate ways.

Took me years to learn this and hours in counseling, reading parenting books and taking a few parenting classes along the way. Still I fall into the arguing trap every once in awhile. I sometimes make things worse. Parenting is the hardest job we have. To have some success requires a willingness to learn.

Definitely get counseling, family counseling for the two of you to learn to communicate better, and individual counseling for both of you to understand yourselves and be able to respond to each other better.

In the meantime, if she complains about something from the past, try understanding. Even if you have tried your best, (and I’m sure you have), to give her a good life regardless of the losses she experienced, she is entitled to her feelings. Let her know you understand her.

I think she is focusing on getting stuff from you because she isn’t feeling good emotionally, but what she really needs is emotional stuff. Don’t give in to her demands unless you want to. The challenge for her is to to learn how to appreciate what she has instead of focusing on what she doesn’t have. The challenge for you is to stop feeling guilty about what this teen has lost, and help her mourn those losses, but also be able to move on and grow up.

Don’t expect her to appreciate you yet, that will come. If you ask her to do something and she doesn’t do it, approach her lovingly and help her, do the task together as if she were a younger child. Try to defuse some of the anger and tension that is happening now. If she resorts to negative comments from the past, don’t argue with her, just calmly understand and apologize, “I tried my best, but I am sorry for the times I let you down”, listen to what she says, and then move on, “but we still have to clean up the kitchen when it’s a mess.”

If you know she has lied to you just remind her that she is making it difficult to trust her. Ask her if you can come to agreement together on what reasonable rules are for a teenager, where you know you can trust her, and she feels the rules are ones she can follow.

If she is rude or defiant, try to show empathy for the feeling behind it, but let her know the tone or words are hurtful and you will not respond while she speaks to you that way. So, if she says, “I hate you, you’re a terrible mother”, you say “I understand you are angry, but we can’t have a conversation about this unless you speak to me with respect.” Show her the respect you are seeking.