Cant Communicate with My Hubby Well

Why did you marry him if he treats you this way? Is it a new development, or has he been like this for a while? If it's sudden, you need to talk to him about what has changed in the last 2-3 months that has made him this way. If he won't talk, seek therapy. It's pretty early in the marriage ot be struggling. If it's not new, well, what did you expect? Men tend to help less after marriage, not more.

Oh, I can definitely relate, honey! I don't know that I can help, but I can relate. I do know talking to the hubby is only helpful when there is a game plan for change set in action. They usually want things to run smoothly for ya.... it's just that their little bitty brains just don't "get" women...not all men, but a lot of them. I'd be more than happy to message with you, if that would help. I have four childdren and never get any "me time" either.

I really can't give you any advice for your relationship, beyond getting therapy to learn to communicate. I am sure that he doesn't "get it". Men often don't understand what we are saying because sometimes men and women might as well be speaking different languages. Even if he won't or can't make time for therapy, you could always go. Get some professional advice on how to work on your communication skills. Or read some books on how to communicate better. I see them recommended on here from time to time. If you don't get any book recommendations, try reposting your question so that the title specifically says you need help communicating better with your husband. I know you'd get some then.

But I wanted to suggest that you join some kind of moms group for yourself. Are your kids in school? Even if they are, it doesn't matter. I joined the MOMS Club when my son was about a year old. I desperately needed friends and adult interaction. When I had my son and stopped working, all of my friends just kinda drifted away. I had nothing in common with people I worked with anymore. We were still recent enough to the area that work friends were all we had. Plus, my husband works away from home about 75% of the time. He is usually gone for a few weeks and then home for a week or a little less, then gone again. So when he is not home, I am going stir crazy. I didn't join earlier because I thought it was silly to join up when I only have an infant. But at that point the club is about mom interaction. I don't know why I waited so long. It has been a lfesaver for me to meet other moms and get out of the house every week. And we get together on our own as well, once you start to meet other people. Just google moms groups for your area. Meetup.com is good, MOMS Club is one, and yahoo groups is another place to look. It might seem silly to join when the new baby isn't here yet and if your other kids are in school, but the other moms have been there too, they won't think you are silly. They joined up because they needed some adult interaction too. You will start to meet people that can even do things like help with babysitting to get you out of the house at night sometimes ifyou don't have family close, our group provides meals for our moms that have just delivered or other help they might need. This would be huge for you in your situation with 2 older kids and hubby not around every night. You should really give it a try. Even if you decide you don't like everyone, it won't be a loss if you make just one friend or get to have a real conversation over coffee occasionally.

I hope you feel better soon, and you will get through this. Congratulations on the new baby and marriage, too!

Sorry you feel so alone. Are both of the kids in school? If so, maybe try to find an organization locally to volunteer at while they are at school. Maybe a thrift store or local women's shelter. My husband was gone for 9 months a couple of yrs ago, and I started volunteering at a couple different organizations, it really helped and it made me feel good about giving back. I also met some wonderful people thru this. We live about 400 miles from anyone we know. So this really helped me meet new friends.
If the kids are not in school, maybe try to set up play dates with other parents in the neighborhood. If nothing else you will get some alone time when it is another moms turn.
I hope things get better.

I have problems communicating with my husband. Sometimes men have control issues and feel that they have to control their environment all the time. It is a mentality thing. Try doing some things you would do in high school. For example write a letter to him to expressing how you feel instead of talking. It will be hard to use silence but it can be a big help. It has help me out a lot with my husband because the same thing that you are go through I went through. It feels like he don't care but some men grew up not to show emotions except in the bedroom. I am not try to put your husband in that category but offer my experience. It has helped me a lot with the little notes around the house and on the mirrors.

Just some thoughts. Empower yourself to be your social director. For you and your family. The internet is full of local ideas, events, festivals, and things. On site and local mom's groups.

Next, your husband may be willing but doesn't know how to change. Behavioral therapists have the person try the different behavior until they get used to it and (hopefully) find that it improves many things. So, you list some good ideas of what he can actually do with his off time that you want him to try to do. that includes time with you and no kids (do you have a babysitter?) and time for you away from the kids with him managing the childcare while you're off with other moms, or meetings, or classes, or just getting your hair and nails done.

You didn't mention if his work schedule was that demanding or is he a workaholic? What part is his choice or not? Open, non emotional conversation with options proposed, get feedback, insist on his trying your ideas or coming up with his own to consider.

One additional question: If you both didn't mutually agree on having kids asap before you gave yourselves some couple time, he might be a bit unhappy with it and not prepared for that huge change. He might harbor some resentments about his not having a choice in the matter.

Also, ensure your kids aren't running your life. You give them quality time in some area you all enjoy (crafts, games, creative play) and you may need to insist on quiet play time from them whie you do something you like or need (sewing, reading, calling friends). Know yourself and your highest needs and then find a way to experience it often.

You could try scheduling alone time with the two of you when he's home, the ever popular date night might work some change.
I would also ask him to take the kids for a few hours to get some alone time if you need it. Set a specific time.
As to helping around the house, don't expect him to see what needs doing. Sit down and agree that he will perform chore X at this time and chore Y at another. Or perhaps he would prefer just taking charge of several things altogether, like vacuuming or dishwashing, or whatever you settle on.
As to not knowing anyone, do you go to a church? You might try that to find friends as well as spiritual help. Volunteering at your kiddos school might also be a way to find friends.
Good luck to you, and I hope things get better soon. Sometimes all those life changes at once can be very stressful, and you need time to adjust.

Yeah I second the getting to know what your area offers for kids during the day. Our Library has free stuff all week, I could take my kids from tues-thurs and do something every morning. You could also look up mom's groups in your area, I think there is a group called moms USA. I think they both have chapters all over, that might help with some socialization. As far as the hubby thing goes, I know that is tough because you don't see each other much and you do need to have some sex but you also need to just have some time, which you don't have much of. I say just work on finding ways to associate with other humans and just be excited when he comes home. Continue to focus on his great qualities and maybe think of a couple things he could do to help out specifically. Men like to know exactly what is expected and then they will do it usually. Like my hubby now has a basket for his work uniforms and he is going to take care of that aspect of the Laundry. That will lighten my load and it is something definite that he will handle. So maybe pick one thing he needs to handle, ask him and then just be happy that one thing is off your plate! He won't have to be understanding of feelings etc, but you will feel better bc you won't have to do everything. Also I find if I show excitement about sex, my man does feel closer to me and tends to just help out more etc... Just food for thought. Good luck and hang in there! Congrats on the new baby!!

I can relate in a sense. When I was married, my husband worked nights-which meant he slept during the day. I was doing all the house work, taking care of a new born, taking care of his father(his father had diabetes and wouldn't take care of himself), plus 4 dogs(one of which my husband had wanted and had promised to housebreak/train). Whenever he had his days/nights off, I'd ask him to take care of the baby so I could sleep. I'd wake up to a screaming baby and find him asleep. So, let me ask...did your new husband work this job before you married him? During the summer, take a trip to visit your parents...without the hubby. While visiting, ask if they could watch the kids for a few hours, while you run some errands. If they agree, go check into a hotel and get some sleep. Once home from the trip, explain that your not going to put up with this for nine months and your certainly not going to after the baby gets here. If he can't help with the house, he atleast needs to help with the kids.

Men need sex to feel loved - NOT the other way around. I've noticed after 28 years of marraige that when I talk too much - he tones me out. I make "short" specific requests. Give him jobs or make a to do list. They're not good at seeing what's to do and joining in. And just like they won't ask for directions, they won't ask how YOU want it done, so just be happy it GETS done. Find a church. Join a Bible study. You'll make friends there who I know will be willing to help out, especially when the baby arrives - most churches will rally to bring you food, or babysit, or come clean the house or transport you when you can't drive. Ours even has a women's Sunday School class for women who come to church without hubby (either they don't come, or women are divorced or widowed or still single). We take care of each other because we know what's it like!!!!!

Congrats on the pregnancy.
Just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone!! Every wife has had these feelings at some point. As for 'the only attention he gives me is wanting to have sex', this is completely a guy thing! My hubby once told me that its how he shows me that he loves me.... yeah.umm. could ya pick a second way so I can get some sleep sometime?

Money wise, NEVER, EVER turn down OT! Especially with a baby on the way! Hubby used to work a job where he'd make $1000. a month just in OT. Then he got mad because he was never home, he quit and took a job making a lower amount per hour, and with NO OT. Our checking account hasn't been the same since!

Anyway, are there any girlfriends or wives of hubby's friends that you could talk to? What about a town coucil or community committee that you could join? what about volunteering at school as a teacher's helper?

What about a community library? Maybe they have a kid's morning or activities throughout the week?

M.

Focus, Focus, Focus!! Focus on you keeping yourself on track. Taking care of you is number 1 and the reason you need to do this is because YOU matter and your 5 and 6 year old matters! Although you feel like this and you are communicating with your husband and you may feel like he doesn't understand it is because you are pregnant! Do you remember how you felt in the beginning of your other 2 pregnancies? I remember just being an emotional basket case!!! It was horrible. Every time I would want to talk to my baby's dad for emotional support I felt like I was talking to a wall!! The reality is that we need friends and family, but mainly women. Us women love to talk to each other. We need support from each other!! This is where I got my sanity and acceptance of the reality at hand. What I mean by take care of yourself with sleeping and eating habits the best you can. Don't be so hard on yourself if the house isn't as clean as you would like it. Don't be afraid to talk to your children and have them help you with picking up after themselves., not all the time,,, start with 1 - 3 things a day and slowly increase until you know how much they are developmentally ready to handle. I have a 12 and 7 year old. They are completely different levels of maturity meaning my 12 yr old is at a higher maturity level and was able to do things earlier than my 7 yr old.
Use your mommy best judgment. You know best. :-)

You are going thru a lot all at once! I can sympathize with the husband being gone a lot. My husband just finished dental school then residency and is now trying to build his practice and I counted up the other day it's been almost 8 years since he's really been home a lot and most of the time the house and kids is on me. But I'm ok with that because he shows me a lot of love and respect and it seems like your husband isn't giving your either of those. And that stinks.

One thing I have found is that I have to be "social director". I have to plan activities and family time because there are times when my husband gets so focused on work and his to-do list for work that he just doesn't think. Try that and see if that helps his involvement with the kids and with you. It stinks to think of taking on yet another task but sometimes we wives have to make the first moves to get things on track.

Check out meetup.com and see if there is a moms group in your area. I found it was such a life line when we moved to a new town for my hubby's residency and didn't know a soul. Also, check out the local library. They probably have lots of activities you could take your kids too and by doing that you'll meet other moms with similar interests. Also, volunteering at your kids school is a certain way to meet other moms!

Best to you!

What can I say? I have been married to this man for 15 yrs. and am going thru what you are going thru with the exception of the sex issue. Him and I have not had sex in 12 yrs. I live in Corpus Christi, Texas, 51/2 hrs. away from my kids, grandkids, best friends, and my sister. Was promised I could go home and see them any time I wanted to...which was fine..as long as we had a car...it got repoed in 2008...now he has to rent a car...I lived around my family for 35 yrs. and I know what you are going thru. I have gone from visiting my family and friends anytime I wanted...to talking to them long distance on the phone from a city in which I know no one. I know my neighbor, but they both work all the time..her all day and then him the graveyard shift. My hubby works 6-7 days a week, comes home eats and then goes to the bedroom to watch TV. I go to the computer room and visit with my friends on the computer...I have the ocean here but I have to wait for him to have time to take me anymore..I use to go walk it 3 times a week now it is only when my grandkids are here and when my hubby is off work early enough to take us. He drives a company truck so he has transportation for himself and goes home and sees his family in San Antonio at least once if not twice a month. We have an elderly dog who needs someone here at home for her, so one of us is always having to be here for her. Of course it is always me...I get depressed so bad sometimes, at least he can see it and then gets me transportation so I can drive home and spend a week or two with my kids. I love it here, but miss my family more...so hunny you are not alone in the world...I would have no problem being your friend on here if that would help...Good luck, I hope things get better for you!!!

And you didnot see this in him before you got married? That would be hard to believe. You need help and your making it easy for him. He has his cake and is eating it too. Please see a counselor,both of you

I have been there in the military life myself, I found that getting involved in crafts or hobbies had me around other people with the same interests and also got me out of the house. Start doing things with the kids at school or after school. There are different programs with the city also. The kids would most likely enjoy doing things with the after school programs with the city, the summer is coming and there will be added things with that program. Have the kids help with different things in the house, making those special treats that kids love. Help them plant some vegetables or herbs all these will be things they will remember for years and you will also be helping them learn to count (measuring) or putting together. I got mine involved in scouts and church activities they meet other children and I met other adults some that turned into very close friends (the ones that you can really talk to). Good luck been there also.

K.,
I hate to hear anyone going thru times like this. The best advice that I can give you is to find a local church and get the kids and yourself very involved. Attend the classes.. meet friends, and be included in a prayer group. Marriages do work, it does take some time, but the best thing for anyting in life is to ge GOD invovled. You will love meeting people and seeing your children grow in God. Good luck and God Bless.

I don't have your situation, however, my husband does travel a lot and is away from home.

Along with talking on the phone...sometimes, especially if he is out of town, we use the text messaging feature or chat online via yahoo or something like that. Yes, we add naughty/spicy chat and keep each other pumped up. Sometimes we even communicate better that way.

I don't know if it is something you could implement but it might be worth trying. We are headong toward our 22nd anniversary this Dec. Something is working!!

I kind of know what you are talking about. I have a son from a previous relationship and when my now husband and I got married he had been a bachelor with no kids. It did take some adjusting and a lot of sit down talks where I was expressing my frustrations. Things are much better now so there is hope for you. I have heard of women basically handing the children over to the husband and just leaving to go have some time to themselves because they can't get their husbands to understand what they are needing. Maybe you need to do that whether it be just a day at the nail salon getting some pampering or a night at a hotel depending on how frustrated you are. I'm sure he's tired from working but he also has to understand that you need down time as well. In meeting people you might want to start with play dates wih children from your kids school which could lead to meeting others. Good Luck!

I'm surprised at some of the responses. I completely know what you are going through! We moved to a different state pretty soon after we got married, then I found out I was pregnant. My husband also worked a lot of hours. Although I didn't have the additional issue of other children, I can completely relate to your situation.

One thing that helped me immensely was connecting to other mom online. WWW.babycenter.com is a great site. It has chat rooms and message board on every topic imaginable not mention great articles. The chat rooms really helped me!

I would suggest to talk toyou husband and set up a date night. Even if it is after the kida re in bed and all you do is order pizza and watch a movie, it's important for you to spend one on one time not just having sex. Let him know that you need to spend time with him without the pressure of having to have sex. Being pregnant makes your hormones go all over (as you know) and your desire for \sex can be iffy. Since it is very common for men to associate sex with closeness he may not understand how you are feeling. Let him know that if you are able to spend time with him, then you will want to have sex with him more. I think the key for your communication is to spend more time together. I know setting a date night really helped us. To vcomplicate our situation my husband has been working nights and it is a real struggle to keep the communicaiton up. Marriage is work and both parties have to communicate and compromise to find a middle ground.

Also make a list of things that you need help with around the house. Let him know that you know he works hard but if you could help you with a few things it would help you feel less stressed. I'm sure he will be willing to help, like most men he probably just doesn't think of it unless you ask. Remember they can't read our minds so we need to let them know what is bothering us because they don't think like we do!

Good luck!

K., I have a ton of advice for you but not alot of time to write today. But one thing I can tell you is that you live less than 2 hours from me. I live in College Station. There is your start to meeting people. Let's talk privately. Email me. I will email you privately and give you my info.
K.