My sis who is 41 has become practically a ward of the state - SSDI, medical stuff, etc. She has cutting behaviors, has injured herself on purpose (minor, but yikes), and is basically a huge mess. When she was 24 hours old (back in 1970) the doctors found her esophagus wasn't connected to her stomach. She had major surgery when she was a couple days old, and had to have her esophagus stretched where it had been sown together. I was only 2 years older so I have NO experience with what happened.
There's a lot of family baggage connected to this - autocratic dad, self absorbed mom; of course my sister milked the sick time - what kid wouldn't. She is not frail at all, but now she's a huge mess.
She's in therapy, on tons of medication, but she doesn't talk to her therapists well - at least from what she's telling my sis and I. They're not getting all the information - about her past, about her current behaviors. She lives in NY. No family nearby - she chose to move to be with a man and away from her mother - basically ran away from dealing with stuff. Now she's stuck.
I'd like to help, but I'm also running out of patience because it's almost like she's chosing not to deal with things. Recently she started a new group therapy thing. She said she doesn't want to talk because she doesn't trust the other people in the group. But the other people in the group are trusting HER - so what's the deal?
I guess my questions are - How do I keep from getting so frustrated I get blunt with her? Do I NEED to get blunt with her? Is there any hope? How can I get info to the people that need it Legally? Sigh!
You all confirmed what I thought. It's a complicated situation. I don't "enable" her - we've never been very close, and only recently have we been talking. I want to let her doctors know what's going on because from conversations with her, i don't think she "gets" therapy. She hasn't been doing it long, and it was more of a requirement for her than a choice. I'm afraid she has Munchausen syndrome (getting emotional needs from medical care-even making yourself sick to get it) - and I don't know if the doctors have thought of this, cause it's not super common but she REALLY fits it). There's not much else I can do for her other than keep talking to her and encouraging her to take responsibility - for her therapy, her life, getting out and meeting people, doing things. Personally, i think she should be in an inpatient psychological facility, but I'm a thousand miles away, my older sister is 500 miiles away, and her mother would be useless and is a big part of the problem.
Thanks for helping me not feel guilty for feeling exhausted and frustrated by this. I don't know if she's ever going to pull it together. It sucks.
I don't think you CAN get the information to them.
She has to choose to open up and a group setting can be intimidating. She may need different meds, different dosages. are these meds for depression/mental things, or are these physical?
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It's hard to know whether her early life experiences created the current situation, or whether they are unrelated. She clearly has many psychological issues and I think you need to accept that you cannot be the person to cure or treat her. She needs expert help and you don't have the qualifications - even if you did, treating a family member or close friend just doesn't work.
So - she is in therapy and on medication - hopefully her care is coordinated by one physician or a team who are in contact with each other. It's hard to know whether she is "choosing" not to deal with things or if she's just so incredibly compromised that she cannot. Sounds like there is a lot on her plate and, at 41, she's had years and years of therapy already. Transitioning to a new group can be difficult and trust is actually a HUGE issue, so she might be right about that. Without having lived her life, you might have trouble imagining how hard that really is. Also, you don't know whether she is not sharing with them or whether she is just telling you that.
You can write your concerns to her doctor and of course you will get nothing in return - privacy laws. But you will feel better having shared that info with a professional. It's going to be very hard or impossible for you to really know which of the many things in her past have more impact on her and which have less, but you can share them with a professional.
Otherwise, I think you have to limit your conversations with her - she needs to share her problems with people who are qualified to address them, not with her sister. If you can't talk to her without getting frustrated, you have to limit your conversation with her, at least the details of her therapy. Suggest that she continue to deal with them in a controlled clinical or therapeutic setting. See if you can find something else to talk about or do with her - what other interests does she have that you can share? Shopping, going for a hike or a picnic, dining out, going to a movie - all are preferable to discussing mental illness. Let her know you love her and support her - but you don't need to drag yourself down into an area that is sensitive for you.
I think that the hardest thing sometimes is standing by a watching a loved one basically self-destruct. I don't know what you can do to help yourself other than just be there as a source of loving support but don't get involved. This is her life and her issues to work out and there's not much you can do to help her at this point. I'm sure that there is some family history that you can share with her doctors and therapists that will shed some light on the possible hows and whys of her behavior but they are probably well trained in identifying different psychological behaviors when they see that and how to get the patient engaged in their treatment.
If she is receiving treatment right now, then she is hopefully where she needs to be at this point. Just remember that this is her walk through life that she must work out right now. There's not a lot you can do to help her because she really needs to be the one to do the work. Just be there and keep telling her things that are positive and motivating so that she can hopefully stay in treatment and get to the point of feeling her own self-empowerment.
So sorry that you, your sister and the rest of your family are having to go through this. Sending you prayers of strength and clarity.
It sounds like her entire childhood and early adulthood would be more to, mmm, "blame" for her current attitude and emotional state. I'm curious why you would pick out surgeries she had when she was essentially hours old over how she was parented and her lifelong relationships and baggage.
What she needs is to find therapists that she trusts otherwise she'll never get the help she needs.
EDITED: You shouldn't feel guilty. :-( It's not your fault and you obviously care deeply for your sister. You can pass along information that you believe to be helpful to her therapists, but don't expect them to share information with you because of confidentiality laws. Your sister would have to give them written permission to info-share with you, but they should be open to any facts from you that could help her in therapy.
you know it really doesn't matter whether or not that infant surgery affected her at all...what matters is that she is an adult & has to be responsible for her own choices, regardless of influencing factors. To me, even referencing that infant surgery.....sounds a lot like "trying to find an excuse" for her current behavior. That said,....wouldn't that mean you are a part of enabling her?
I know you want to help her. BUT again, she is an adult. She is in treatment. AND it's up to her to make the right choices. If anything needs to be done, I would highly recommend that you seek assistance in dealing with how she's affected your life. I truly & sincerely mean this: please find a place of Peace for yourself!
My cousins went thru this process. The oldest of 3 girls was continuously attempting suicide, abusive to her family. She married, had a child, & then realized that she could not cope any longer. She gave up her child to foster care & ended her own life. The other 2 sisters suffered thru this whole process.....& have worked hard thru the years to cope with the life they've been given. They are both near or at retirement age & both are emphatic that they wish they'd sought help for themselves at an earlier age. It is thru the Grace of God that they've achieved a sense of Peace.
& that would be my wish for you: Peace. Your sis is an adult, & it is not your job to make her life choices. & at this point, it is her choice not to share with her current treatment group.....& that is her loss.
She may have some kind of mental illness. Yes this is frustrating, there isn't a lot you can do. The mentally ill have as many rights as we do. I don't necessarily agree with this idea but I don't like the idea of warehousing them in a hospital for life either.
I would contact Social Services in NY and see what it would take to have her committed on a 72 hour hold. It is enough time to get her diagnosed and medicated. However, once she is out of the hospital she can refuse the medication and counseling. This is where I disagree with the laws. A mentally ill person can have bank accounts and credit cards with no one supervising them, if they run up the balance on the card and bounce checks all over the place a family member usually has to step in and help them straighten it all out. If they have kids and don't take care of the kids a family member has to step in and help out. It's frustrating. And truthfully if she isn't ready for an intervention, no matter what you do it won't help.
She chose to move far away from you and her family probably because she could 'hide' from you instead of getting help.
My hope is if you can have her committed and medicated she will understand that she has an illness, needs medication and a support system.
It might be a good idea for you to read Patty Duke's book on being bi-polar. She has successfully managed her illness for many years. But when she was a young woman she did a lot of 'crazy' stuff. Hopefully the library will have a copy of the book.
Her doctors can't tell you anything. But I don't believe there is anything wrong with you telling them things. But just to keep it all one way only, write the doctors. Then they can decide what to do with the info. There's always multiple view points and perspectives. I've learned my own lesson with a very emotional unstable person in my life. I don't believe there is a lot we can say or do that will help. That is, other than pray, take care of ourselves, and pray some more.
If you have ever listened to Dr. Drew (Loveline for many years) he says that traumatic things that happen during childhood can carry over to adulthood.
I think what would be good is to either do family therapy or just cut her out of the picture (tough love). I know that doing the tough love would be very hard, I've been doing it for the past 2 years with a family member and it has helped ME out so much and it has laid down rules that I just couldn't do on my own.
Read The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis.
