Should I Just Go with My Gut?

There's not much you can do, unfortunately. It sounds as though she is in a somewhat controlling, if not spiritually abusive, "church." The mentality is if you're not a member you might undermine what they're teaching her. Very fearful and unhealthy community. I'd say prayer is your best resort. I was in a group like this. I am so thankful for my mom's prayers. I believe that's what got us out.

You have to do what is right, for yourself ultimately.

If you are looking to reconnect with your sister, I would suggest a supportive loving card with this excerpt from the bible:

Matthew 22:37-39

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Perhaps ask if you can help in any way and let her know you would like a chance to humbly assist her and her husband through this hardship.

best wishes-

Maybe this has more to do with your relationship with her. It doesn't sound like you two are very close. I don't think her faith has anything to do with this situation. She sounds like she is finding comfort in her beliefs, it's her way of coping.

I would go to see him since that's what you want.

I'm sorry this happened to your BIL.

First, I do not think like she is "overboard" on religion. (Is that even possible?)

It's not like she's denying medical care in favor of a shaman praying for his healing. He is receiving medical attention from a surgeon they chose and feel comfortable with.

I don't think it's her faith "blinding her" or causing her to think you are "unworthy" of visiting him. That's a stretch, don't you think?

I suspect her attitude in your relationship has had years of lack of closeness, trust or something else. I wouldn't try to pin this on her Christianity. Perhaps you need to have a conversation and explain how much you would like to see your BIL and offer her some support over the next weeks. Is she in another state? Maybe she's not up for house guests?

I am so sorry that you have tried to be there to support your sister and she is not appreciative. I would continue to send messages of support, but don't offer to visit or help out. Clearly, she does not want you there and I am sorry that she has rejected you in this way. Sometimes a small community hospital has excellent doctors and standards of care, but if she is making her decision based solely on the religion of the doctor, that is a shame. They'd be best off to select the best qualified doctor as his religion does not determine his skill level or experience in this type of surgery. However, it is your BIL's decision to make and not yours, so I don't think it's appropriate to share your opinion with them.
Good luck, I hope that you have a family of friends of your own!

Gerri,
Let it go as hard as it may be. My advice comes from first hand experience with my sister and brother. In my case I made choices based on things that have happened and the need to protect my children and self. My middle brother/best friend passed away 49 days ago and my oldest brother's son (my first born nephew) sent me a message on Facebook stating my brother, Nickey, had passed away. While this was yet another way for my sister and brother to hurt me, which they did more than anyone can ever imagine, they did not break me and as I told them via e-mail I will never close the door no matter how much they hurt me. The ball is in their court, if and when they decide they want to have a relationship with us the door will be open as will my arms. Do the same with your sister no matter how much you are hurting now. I am not religious but I respect that others are, if she has found the church as a way of healing from the loss of your mom then so be it, she will come around eventually; we have to believe that blood is thicker than water.

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. Under stress people usually cling to whatever makes them comfortable--in your sister's case her faith. I tend to agree with you that picking a doctor based on medical skill ( and other practical matters) is a better idea than picking based on religion. Good communication and bedside manner do matter somewhat in choosing a doctor. But people make decisions, even big ones, based on emotional reasons all the time. I doubt your sister is going to hear your opinion so I wouldn't even give it to her unless she asks. I would only say something if you know some specific and very negative information about the doctor or hospital she is using (and in that case stick to the facts). Otherwise I would not go farther than offering her a name and number of a doctor "for a second opinion" if you happen to know a specialist.

If you want to help I would offer specific tasks. Bring her some home cooked food (maybe a family favorite she likes) and offer to do some errands or other jobs. Be specific--offer to do a job and time (pick up groceries, help with housework, whatever) or get her to tell you a specific task. Vague offers of help often go nowhere (people are often too shy to ask for help even when they could use it).

After you have helped her a bit or talked to her at least ask about a short
visit with your BIL " just to stop by for a few minutes and say hello." If she is really against it I would let it go and try sending a card or calling instead.

A crisis is not usually the best time to deal with old family issues. If you can offer your sister some help without any family baggage getting in the way then maybe you can nudge the door open for a better relationship in future.

Your sister certainly has gone overboard on religion. I would let it be the way she wants it. He's not comatose so you could call him at the hospital.
Once I was in worship sharing while a woman lawyer was speaking. She said clients sometimes chose her then asked if she was a Christian. To one man she said yes she is and then said I'm going to ask you a question, " Do you pay your bills?"
You are right to feel a doctor's religion is not an indication of his skills.
Your sister has ignored you for 14 years. If she is widowed it is possible she will not want you around either. Don't let her attitude break your heart. You have your own family.
I wish you inner peace.

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This isn't about what you want, but what your sister and her husband need. Since she has asked you not to go, do not go until or unless she asks you to go. If you go because it's what you want or need, then that's so completely selfish and pushing yourself into a situation that's not really about you. It will end up causing undue stress, anxiety, and anger and whatever distance there is in your relationship with your sister now will probably double if you don't respect her request.

It seems that there's a lot you're not saying about why she's kept her distance all these years. By not acknowledging her reasons (if you know them) you're not validating them.

You're also assuming that just because she chose a Christian doctor, they must have made a poor choice and he won't get as good care anywhere else. You know what? The fact that the doctor is Christian or if he were anything else shouldn't matter to you at all. He's a doctor and not some hack off the street.

Since you haven't had contact in 14 years, you're so certain she's being blinded by her faith yet in truth, you don't know her any more. I see hurt, pain, and bitterness in your post. If you want to reconcile with your sister, then you need to tell her so. Until you reconcile, then I don't believe she'll be open to having you visit.

I would visit him. If he doesn't want you there than don't go back.

Gerri,
So sorry for your situation. I agree with girlundone. You are keeping the lines of communication open and the ball is in her court.
I have had friends go to hospitals I certainly would not trust. I had a stroke and the local hospital wouldn't believe me. Fortunately, I recovered without treatment. Unfortunately, a friend, knowing this, went there. I almost begged his wife to transfer him. Again that hospital did not give him the clot busting drug. Now he is a former English teacher who can no longer read. They just didn't want the inconvenience of going further away to another hospital.

recently, my son had a hip replacement. I used CaringBridge to keep friends/family updated on his progress. The website is a fantastic format, & really eased my burdens in spreading the word. Kudos to your sister for using technology in easing her own burdens.

Your relationship woes are not new. As you stated, this goes back to the death of your mother. I applaud that you contacted your sis as soon as you heard the news! That speaks greatly of your own sense of family.

The next step would be to ask yourself "why" you think you need to personally visit your BIL & sis. Since they are in a time of crisis, are you going to help....or to ease your own sense of responsibility? There is a huge difference in this.....& your own personal honesty should reflect your actions. Family events such as this...are not a time for bringing drama to the table!

The very fact that you are slamming your sis & her actions/decisions/personal choices does not cull favor for you. The fact that you have stated that she is "blinded by faith" does not help your case, either. I think that I would feel more supportive of you going if you hadn't vented so much! I realize that this forum helps all of us release negativity & helps us move forward more positively.....but ....:)

I truly believe you've missed your best chance at being helpful. When you 1st received that email....you should have shot like a rocket to help. Responding thru technology & then complaining about others visiting ...seems a little hypocritical.

I also believe that it is never too late to try to rebuild family. The fact that your sis has asked you not to visit....makes this more difficult. In the end, it goes back to my ? as to whether you are doing this for yourself or thru a desire to help her. If you go, you need to bring zero drama. If you go, you cannot mention any of your past. If you go, you cannot do anything other than to hug them & pray together. That is all they need. Peace...

I don't think that right now is a good time to shake things up with your sister. Just abide by her wishes for now and once your BIL is beter, you can have a heart to heart with her.

And the doctor they choose is their business. I agree with you that I would go to a larger hospital - but it's their choice - stay out of it.

Good luck. And I hope your BIL gets better fast!

Sounds like there is much history of bad blood here. Her reactions and responses to you are perfectly normal for those who are just not connected to their natural family. She has selected a doctor they both believe is qualified to handle his care. The outcome of your BIL's health is already sealed and it will be what it will be. If he is receiving visitors you could go and see him for 5-10 minutes. She may not even be there and if she is just keep your visit short. Understand that because of the bad blood she may take your visiting him badly and create a deeper rift between the two of you.

You may also consider sending a card to him or dropping one off for him at the nurses station.

Her faith is her own just like your faith is your own. You seem to have faith that going to a non-Christian doctor at a larger hospital system will be the saving grace for your BIL. It may or may not be so.

My mother recently passed away and my sister, aunt and I came together during her illness and her passing. Right now my sister who was there for the funeral is no where to be found and has changed her number and abandoned her apartment. I'm just saying you never know what someone is going through on the inside and how they are processing things but trust that it will be what it will be and try to be alright with it.