Hi,
My 12 year old daughter has been having a problem with another girl (+ a few friends of the bully). My daughter is very athletic, is a straight A student, popular and is trustworthy. We never have any behavioral problems with her and she has good relationships with friends, parents and teachers. This other girl is the opposite of my daughter. She is bigger, (forgive me for saying) awkward, seems to come from an unstable family with less supervision and this girl is such a problem in school that she has to be escorted to and from classes, the bathroom and to and from the bus. Even teachers have said that they don't feel comfortable having her in a normal school setting. They have had so many issues with this girl that they have meetings specifically regarding her. This girl has been calling my daughter terrible names, writing "birthday wh-re" on the chalkboard for the class to see ON MY DAUGHTER'S BDAY!, harrassing her in gym class (slamming the ball in her face less than 5 feet away during dodgeball) and on 2 occassions, even "got in her face" outside of school. She and a couple of friends came up to her, were swearing and their body language was leading my daughter to believe that, if her friend hadn't come across them, she would have been "jumped". She sat next to her at a basketball game calling her names, swearing and making a gun motion at her head. They were telling her that they were going to yank her hair back and punch her repeatedly in her face! This girl and her friends even cussed out parents that tried to question her, to the point that another parent called the police - who, by the way, mentioned to the parents that they knew who these girls were. Longer story short...this has been happening since November and even though my husband and I have been trying to get the Principal of her school to take this more seriously and to apply tougher consequences, it is still a problem. He seems to have no backbone! I got sick of this and emailed him, telling him that I wanted her parents to be called, questioned why the student handbook's consequences haven't been enforced and that the school could benefit from an assembly about bullying in the school. He never emailed me back, but my daughter said that they did call an assembly. I was told by other mothers that you do have to tell this man what to do, because he won't know what to do. After this last incident at the middle school, he told my husband that he can't do anything about it because it happened at another school after school hours! He wouldn't even call the parents and when my husband suggested that HE call the parents, the Principal told him that he didn't think it was appropriate! MANY parents have complained about the same problem. There have been restraining orders at this school and from what my daughter has said, there is a child that was pulled out at the beginning of the year and is home schooled because of being bullied. My husband is hesitant to call anyone above this Principal, saying that he has to follow the natural course of action when dealing with issues. I feel as though it was a problem before we even came along, from what I have heard from others and this man needs to be addressed by the school board. Even the Dare Officer was suppose to call us and she never did. I am sick about this and want to know if others have had bullying problems and what you have done about it. How was the response with the school? This is taking a toll on not only my daughters well being, but her friends, my family and my relationship with my husband. I would appreciate some advice and I am beginning to think that, if this is such a big problem, that parents need to insist that changes be made and these issues need to be taken more seiously! I feel helpless...
Hi,
I wanted to update all of you nice ladies with what has transpired since I sent out my request for advice. I appreciate each and every response that I have received. Thank you very much. I value the opinions of other Mothers tremendously
My husband typed up a letter with every detail that we can remember, and that we had documented. (Bless his heart, he was up until 1 am last week doing this.) We included out expectations from the beginning of this ordeal and then we closed it with our expectations from this point on. With that, we requested a face to face meeting with the principal, the DARE officer, the police officer that we filed the complaint with and the teaching team. Even though, once again, my husband didn't get an immediate response from the principal, we did hear back and the meeting is scheduled for this afternoon. I imagine the letter was an obvious "set up letter"...meaning that he would know that we were about to take this above him. In the mean time, I talked to a lovely lady on the school board - that a friend of mine suggest that I call to get some advice. (Several Mothers and myself were thinking about going to last night's school board meeting...I wanted to know if we should do that or set up a meeting with the superintendant right away.) She gave me some great advice, made me feel heard and was very kind. She talked to the super, followed up with me and we a meeting yesterday with the super. WHAT A RELIEF! She was so nice and made me feel (almost too) comfortable;) I was a bit more candid than I would have been otherwise, but the fact that she made me feel so at ease was a great relief for me! Anyway, she was disturbed, said that this has been an issue with the school and one that they have been working on. She is going to research the students involved and make sure that they are addressed, have the resources necessary to better their behavior/grades...whatever. I made it clear that my #1 priority is always my daughter's safety....and the safety of all students, but that I am very concerned about the well being of this "bully", what will happen to her and her future. She commended me for that. She said that she has never heard the "victim's" parents express that kind of concern. (Which is a huge surprise to me! Sad.) I asked her if we had the right to know what the disciplinary actions are in these situations, because we were told by not only a couple of teachers, but the principal himself that they are not allowed to share that information with us. She said that we certainly do have that right and she was disturbed that we were left not knowing what exactly they were doing about this girl and her friends. UNREAL. Anyway, she asked if we wanted her to attend the meeting today and we said yes. The fact that I left the last meeting with this man feeling unlcear about what course of action would be taken and because of all of the inconsistencies with this man, I would feel much more comfortable if she were to be present. I also pointed out that he didn't have current contact information of this family and wanted to know how long this has been outdated in his records. Has he been leading us to believe that he has been communicating with the parents when he hadn't been? I can only assume.
So, we will see how this goes. My ultimate goal with her was to express my digust and concern that this has been an ongoing problem long before our issue. I have heard it from way too many families and if we have to be the ones to make sure that this school makes some major changes, for the sake of future students, so be it! This should not be tolerable! Our kids should feel safe when going to school and we should be able to trust the people that are educating our children. It's ridiculous to me. It's all common sense and if there is no consistency amongst the school system(s), then we have a serious problem!
Thanks again. I hope that everyone is having a good day!
M.
Call the social worker at the school and meet or talk with her how to handle this. That wil get though too and documented more so when you need to go to the superintendent that will help
J.
Sometimes issues such as this are not taken seriously enough. Perhaps one voice is not enough. Perhaps you need to organize a group of parents, including the one who is currently homeschooling her child because of this, and ask to be an agenda item at the next school board meeting. There is power in numbers; the more people you can get involved, the better. Your group should meet a couple of times prior to the school board meeting to make sure your points are well articulated and stay focused on the issue, and to decide who will present the main points for the group and who will speak in a supporting role. If everyone speaking is registered to vote in your county -- even better. Don't be afraid to name names, point fingers or refer to calendars or journal entries in order to make your case.
In 2008, violence among childres is no longer something to shrug off or "let them settle it among themselves." Bullies liek this have guns and knives now. They are angry and indifferent to consequences and this behavior croses gender lines.
How tragic that your bright, motivated, daughter has to live with daily stress like this; that one bad apple can be permitted to ruin childhood successes and memories for another.
I'm sure there are some overwhelming economic and psychological issues that the bully and her friends are having to cope with, which influence their behavior and that somewhere within ourselves, we should be feeling sorry for them however; life is not fair, resources are not equitably distributed and none of the above is an excuse for abusive behavior.
I'm sick of hearing stories like this, where somehow the abuser becomes the victim. Your daughter is the victim and you have a right to demand that her quality of life stop being compromised while under the watch of the school administration that has been charged and is being supported by our tax dollars and our votes to provide a safe place for her to obtain her education.
Good luck!
Besides taking care of your little girl, making sure she is being supported, I would file a formal complaint with the police department. Also contact the school social worker, amyeb the department of social services, and the school district offices. At some point somebody will remind the idiot principal about incidents like columbine and require of him a RESPONSE.
At this point I would move beyond the principal - why is it your responsibility to call the parents? If the bullying is happening on school grounds, it is his responsibility to take care of the situation. I would request a meeting with the principals boss, the principal and your daughters teacher (or homeroom teacher if she has several). This group of girls is obviously out of line and has been for some time for the police to be aware of who you are calling a complaint in about. Does your daughter have a group of supportive friends at school to help her manage the stress? I was bullied by a neighbor girl when I was about your daughters age and I will never forget it. It was a horrible experience and I can tell you the only thing that made it stop was we happened to move at the end of that school year (my dads job transferred us).It may be beneficial to find out if this girl takes on other "subjects" and call those parents to see if they would like to voice thier concerns and attend the meeting with you. If more than one parent speaks up you may be able to accomplish more. Good luck!
Have you tried your superintendent, or school board officials. Or maybe even the newspaper. You could do it anonymously at first or combined with a group of families. I'm sure that you realize that it is quite possible that the parents are as nasty as the child. Perhaps there are things happening to her that you don't know about also. The principal may have this knowledge but the law would prevent him from telling you. My mother is the chair of our school board and they are elected officials. Any letter they get, they take very seriously. They will do anything to avoid public humiliation. A letter to the Editor would do the trick (anonymously of course). You have to be careful not to burn bridges and appear to be on a team trying to fix this situation. Also,something that you may not know is that school administrators have legal courses that they have to follow. This could be affecting the principles decisions. Just another thought, he could also be in Fear of this family.
M., I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to your daughter. I also have a 12 year old daughter and I am shocked at how mean some girls can be at this age. It doesn't seem to matter where it happens because the kids today are not afraid of anyone. I realize that your husband does not want to elevate the issue to the School Board, but if the principal is not able to stop your daughter from being harrassed and bullied at school, then the School Board should be notified (before your daughter gets hurt). And other alternatives need to be reviewed. We send our kids to school thinking they are in a safe place, but that's not always the case. I hope your daughter will be okay.
I think you need to keep your daughters well being in mind first ad forthmost. If the Principal refuses to do anything about the bullying then you need to go above him. Was the girl that was pulled out at the beginning of school year bullied by this same individual? If this happens often, why aren't steps being taken to have this bully removed from the school system. I say she would benefit from a military-type school. Of course her parents would be the ones who would have to do this. But if no one steps up, then the parents are never going to be forced to do something about it. You have to do what is right for your daughter. Being bullied on a daily/constant basis really affects a child's self esteem. Dont ruin your daughter because you don't want to speak up. Some kids can be ruined for life. I hope you do the right think. Good Luck!
Wow, I can definately see your frustration. I wholeheartedly agree something has got to be done. This bully girl cannot continue her terror tirade. No one has the right to make another child feel unsafe or threatened. I would definately take this before the school board, totally bypass the principal. This is a situation readily getting out of hand, and no one seems to see the seriousness of it. Why is the bully girl allowed to stay in this school? I feel the disiplinary board would have suspended her or expelled her by now. Stand your ground and protect what's yours! Good luck
Hello. I think the advice given to you by your family is good. It seems like this "bullying" girl (for lack of another way to describe her) may already be identified with a behavioral disorder which is why some of this is taking so long.
However, on the side of your daughter she should not have to put up with this and in no way is it OK for her or you that she is unsafe. I agree with documenting what is going on, contacting the counselor/social worker/ psychologist and to let them know you insist on this being addressed in a serious manner. Put everything in writing and I would certainly be objective sticking to the facts of what is happening, whom you have contacted and how you have attempted to go through proper channels to have this addressed (administrative silence is not an option at this point). The superintendent/board members are next channels if what you are asking for from your building administration is still not addressed. If no answers then litigation as a last option is always out there to ensure the emotional and physical safety of your daughter. Good luck with this, it isn't easy.
T.
Yikes!
Go to the School board. It sounds like you are not going to get anywhere with this Principal.
If you have to, go to the police department and ask to meet with the DARE officer directly.
This can't continue. The only thing I wouldn't do is go directly to the parents. It could possibly make things worse. They're probably quite a work of art themselves!
GOOD LUCK! I feel terrible for your daughter having to deal with this.
S
That's terrible to read. Terrible. And scary. If there are other kids that are victims, I'd call their parents and try to all get together and approach the principal as a unit.
Just an idea.
Gosh, I really hope you can find a solution to this. How horrible for you and moreso for your daughter.
Forgive me for asking, but have you gone below the principal and talked to any of her teachers? I teach middle school and know that it can be a trying time. From experience (and by no means excusing the actions of the principal that you are dealing with) when a parent goes to the principal, s/he has to backpeddle, talk to teachers and find out the situation before s/he can really do anything. Likewise, is there a dean or somebody else at the school that is responsible for behavior issues? Sadly, often times (from experience) the principal is the last stop in the chain. My best advice would be to go to the teachers before going above the principal.
How horrible for your daughter and you and your family. Everyone has given you excellent advice but in reading all the posts something jumped out at me. Where was the teacher when this nasty child was writing on the blackboard? It sounds like maybe everyone is afraid of her or else the students are in the room unsupervised. If that is the case, that may be something you want to bring up to the teacher, principal, school board and police. I know that the police can sometimes be frighteningly uninterested in doing their job. I wish you luck and a swift resolution.
Please continue to keep us updated.
