My daughter has been having problems off and on with the girl who sits next to her in kindergarten. Some other moms have mentioned similar issues between their child and the same girl (I'll call her "Jill"). The incident I describe at the end is the one I am most concerned about.
At the beginning of the year Jill kept shoving her arms into my daughter's table space. When my daughter asked her nicely to stop, Jill bent my daughter's fingers backwards. Jill also would kick my daughter and shove her knees into her back at rug time.
Jill repeatedly told my daughter she didn't like her. When she would pass things to my daughter, my daughter would say, "Thank you" and Jill would say, "NOT thank you!" (By the way, Jill also loves my daughter, hugs her and says she’s her best friend.)
On "bagel day" Jill is the only one whose parent doesn't send a dollar for a bagel, so she tells my daughter over and over again to share her bagel or she won’t be her friend. (My daughter can not share because it is against the rules to share food).
I mentioned the above to the teacher and she said she would keep an eye out for such things. Since then, the children have been moved to have new table-mates, but my daughter STILL sits next to Jill. I suspect it is because my daughter is very mild-mannered and tolerant.
Since then,
Jill bit another girl's braid.
Most recently Jill has told my daughter to give her the bird pin she was wearing or she wouldn’t be her friend. She has also told her repeatedly to give her other personal items.
This last bagel day my daughter received a free bagel as a good behavior reward and Jill told my daughter to give her the $1 she had left over for the bagel or she would “tell her on her” (as in make up a lie about my daughter to get her in trouble with the teacher). My daughter gave her the $1. This is the point at which I think it is starting to border on bullying. Should I talk to the teacher about it again? Am I overreacting? At this point (in kindergarten) it isn’t that horrible, but I don’t want my daughter (or Jill for the matter) to learn at such an early age that bullying is acceptable.
It is bullying, and the teacher needs to do more than "keep an eye on it." Report it again to the teacher and ask for a meeting with her & the principal to come up with a plan of action.
Hello,
Have you considered talking directly to Jill's parents? If not, I think it's time. I would also talk to the teacher again and see if maybe a fresh seating arrangement needs to be made within the classroom.
Sweetie, what are you waiting for? Why aren't you in the principal's office? Why haven't you asked that this child Jill be evaluated by the guidance counselor?
You sound as much of a sweet little pushover as your daughter.
I mean this with a great deal of respect, but I'm trying to get you to see that being nice as an adult can mean not advocating for your child. She is your responsibility. You are all she has. The teacher is ignoring this and not stepping up to getting Jill the help she needs. And believe me, a child who bends children's fingers back and demands jewelry and money (extortion) needs HELP!!
This IS bordering on horrible, mom. Your daughter will soon start having tummy aches and won't want to go to school. OR she will start pushing back, hit or slap or kick like Jill, but she'll be the one who is caught (because Jill has learned to be sneaky) and your daughter will be the one in trouble.
Go in to the principal and take a copy of this - all the things Jill has done in WRITING. Tell her you want action. This does not mean be ugly to anyone. Your principal, your child's teacher and the guidance counselor all have the best intentions toward the children. But without you helping them really understand, all this is just going to get worse.
Good luck!
Dawn
You need to nip this in the bud asap. Yes. Talk to the teacher today. Insist that the teacher move "jill" away from your daughter and have her give the $1 back to your daughter, the pin etc. This is unacceptable and is bullying! You don't wait until it gets worse---nip it in the bud now before it escalates to hitting or physically harming your daughter--- I have seen it time and time again as a pre-k teacher. Its best to deal with the problem proactively and to not wait until something really bad happens. If the teacher doesn't take you seriously, go to the principal and inform them. Best wishes!!!
M
I'm going to disagree with Lee's advice and tell you not to speak with Jill's parents. From my experience the parents are usually a bigger problem than their children. It gets into a she said/she said thing and if the other parents think their child is a special snowflake you end up feeling like you are being bullied.
Instead speak directly with the teacher and tell her what's been going on and that you consider Jill to be bullying your daughter. Use the word bully. If the teacher has email then you might want to put all this information into an email instead of a conversation. Make it very clear what is going on, give examples of this behavior, and let the teacher know that you will no longer tolerate your child being treated in this fashion any longer.
If this continues your next step would be to take your concerns to the principal and again use the word bully in the conversation. If your school system has anti bully rules these should certainly apply to your daughter's situation.
What does the principal say about all of this?
Once the talking became touching - it was no longer acceptable.
Children are mean. They say the meanest things when they themselves lack the self-esteem and knowledge. Especially when they are feeling left out - they do things to put themselves ahead of the pack - or saying things to other children to "guilt" them into doing something.
Get the $$$ back. Go to the parents directly. I'm bold. I would SO do it. I would a stop to this behavior RIGHT NOW. Jill's parents are probably oblivious to her behavior. The teacher is probably overwhelmed with what is going on in the class - or worse - she too is afraid of the child and the lies she can conger up about her! Where do kids learn this? They learn it by doing it and seeing it. She found it worked (I won't be your friend) and kept doing it.
I would go to the principal and Jill's parents.
Tell your daughter to stand up for herself. Tell her that it is OKAY that Jill is NOT her friend and if she says it to her again - tell her to say it loudly - I'm OKAY with NOT BEING YOUR FRIEND.
Get her into a martial arts program - while she is tolerant, she will gain self-esteem from the program!
GOOD LUCK!
Yes, bullying in when the behavior is repetitive. I would say this is bullying, I would also be calling the principal. I am perplexed how the teacher is missing these things. Absolutely insist that your daughter be moved. I wonder if your daughter is so quiet and sweet that she doesn't speak up. Teach her to speak up each and every time Jill harasses her. Also let her know that it is okay if Jill is not her friend. She does not have to give her things away to keep a "friend". Teach her how real friends treat each other. I feel for Jill, she likely has some of her own issues going on at home, so calling attention to her behavior may help bring some things to light.
So, has the Teacher been doing anything about it or the Principal?
Schools, have Bullying policies and procedures. Most do.
Instead of just telling the Teacher this, put it in writing.
Then cc it to the Principal etc.
Ask them, what is being done?
Jill's parent not sending a dollar for a bagel, well that is their personal business. But the child is instigating all sorts of negative behavior upon other kids.
The thing is, Jill has issues.
And for all you know, maybe the school does know and maybe the child is seeing a Therapist or has been diagnosed with a mental condition. BUT... that is private. And the school cannot tell you those personal details about the child. Unless you are that child's parent.
Now at my kids' school, the school has a week long, educational topic on Bullying. They speak to the children, both the Teachers and Principal and an expert... on what Bullying is. And what to do, etc.
So, yes, even in Kindergarten... Bullying happens. And the kids, are taught about it and what to do.
A memo is also sent home to the parents... about their policies on Bullying and this includes, bullying at the school via kids and adults or staff or Teachers.
You also need to teach your child, about bullying and what it is. She is old enough.
My son is 5 and in Kindergarten. At home I talk to both my kids about Bullying. And at school they of course, get informed as well. And they know, how to speak up for themselves.
You ALSO need to TELL THE TEACHER, to relocate your child... and do NOT put her, seated next to Jill.
I am a bit surprised, by the almost, nonexistent reaction that your daughter's Teacher gave you. I mean, she does not seem to be doing anything about it... and just says she'll "keep an eye out for such things."
From this age and younger, I taught my kids about people. And that, certain behavior is NOT acceptable. They knew the word "bullying" and what it means and that is it not tolerable or acceptable. Kids, need to be told. Why not just TELL your daughter, that Jill's behavior is not, correct. That it is wrong. Thus, your daughter will learn that bullying is not acceptable. And that getting mistreated... is not right.
Already by 5 years old, once they are in school, they need to be taught about social situations.
You TEACH your child.... about what to do if she is mistreated.
That, is the key thing.
No, if anything it sounds like you are not reacting enough. Sounds like Jill has some issues. If Jill is the only one with no money from her parents for a bagel, it would make you wonder what the rest of her home life is like. My daughter was having an issue with another little girl in her after-school day care - not as bad as what you describe, but a couple of things like this girl shoving pea gravel from the playground down my daughter's pants. Turns out the girl lives with her grandparents - it was either that or foster care after her parents were declared unfit. The grandparents, at their age, are just not effective at raising and disciplining a small child they way they need to be. It's more than they can handle and this girl gets out of control at times.
I would not tolerate anything physical like what you described happening to my daughter. I would talk to the teacher again, but much more assertively. I would probably also talk to the principal if the teacher can't seem to get a handle on things.
Your daughter needs to learn to stand up for herself - otherwise she may find herself the victim of other bullies like Jill. She needs to start telling Jill NO - she won't give her a dollar, she won't give her any personal items, she won't give her anything and she does not have to, no matter what Jill says. Talk to your daughter about the fact that a true friend does not make you do things or give them things in order to be their friend. She does not need to be "friends" with someone who treats her like this - she can be friends with other kids who are nice to her. Maybe signing her up for karate can help - not so much so she can intimidate others, but so she can learn to defend herself (verbally, emotionally, and physically) and have the self-confidence to stand up to the Jills of this world. If not, she will face more bullying later in life and become more of a victim, or she just might cave into peer pressure as she gets older in order to fit in or be more popular.
You need to meet with / talk to the teacher again about the 'Jill' situation. If that does not get you results then to the principal you go. My daughter is in the first grade this year and had her first experience with the 'Jill' type - I kept quiet until the hitting and shoving started - and the situation was immediately resolved. I was surprised myself how young the bullying begins nowadays - brace yourself for what you will hear goes on at recess on the playground next year!
You will be doing Jill a favor by sitting down with the teacher now. If Jill sees that this behavior works, she will keep it up and it will likely escalate as she gets older. She is probably learning it from somewhere though -- her parents. So I wouldn't put a lot of hope in fixing it by talking to them. I'd talk to the teacher, say you want your daughter's seat moved, and give the teacher the info she needs to talk to Jill's parents. Personally I would also talk to the principal about keeping your daughter and Jill in separate classes for first grade, if that is a possibility. There's no need for your daughter to be the person Jill picks on while she is learning to treat people better.
This is absolutely bullying and needs to be stopped immediately. Send the teacher a complaint via e-mail and let her know more needs to be done besides "keeping an eye out for it". Jill's parents need to be contacted. Maybe they are unaware that their daughter is a bully. If the teacher isn't cooperative, go to the principal. If possible, can you recommend that your daughter not be in class with Jill next year?
Ditto Michelle, completely. This little girl is out of line, and she needs some serious help with boundaries, and with getting what she wants in a constructive way. If you talk with the teacher now, that could be the best thing that ever happens to "Jill." Whether it fits into the rubric of bullying or not isn't as important as where this will go if nobody does anything.
I also get the impression, from your description of the bagel thing, that Jill's parents are either less than attentive, or could be going through some kind of rough period, financial or otherwise. You might offer to the teacher to donate a small amount of money (say, $5) so kids who don't bring in a dollar on bagel day won't feel excluded -- just make sure it's anonymous. It sounds like Jill could be picking up on the fact that other children have privileges she doesn't have, and she's choosing a super-aggressive way of dealing with it (less common in girls than boys, but it happens).
Best wishes, and don't be afraid to speak up! --
Yes, talk to the teacher again and INSIST that your daughter's seat be changed.
Also, you and your daughter need to communicate about Jill's behavior and what your daughter should be doing. You also need to teach her about friendship and what it means.
I feel sorry for your daughter but she is lucky to have a mom who cares. I wonder what kind of life poor Jill lives when she is not in school. Whenever I look back at bullies, they always ended up having lots of home issues. It's sad.
Bring it up to the teacher again, ask that your daughter be moved, her money and anything else Jill has extorted returned, and if you don't get compliance schedule an appointment with the principal. This IS bullying.
I think that Jill needs to learn some manners and needs to learn to ASK for things. If she had ASKED your daughter if she could have the $1 for the bagel, it would've been much nicer than Jill DEMANDING the $1. Maybe the teacher needs to teach a day or two on manners.
It sounds to me that this girl has learned that the phrase 'won't be your friend' gets her many things. I would tell your daughter that the next time Jill says that, that your daughter should say, 'well, okay then.' and not do what she asks. A real friend doesn't keep demanding you do what they want or that you give them what you have.
Maybe the teacher needs to send home a general note to all of the parents reminding them to send in the $1 for the bagel. That some kids have forgotten their money at times and that they are sad that the other kids are eating bagels while they just sit there and watch. It could be that Jill's parents either don't remember, or don't think its a big deal.
I would definitely say this is bullying and you should definitely tell the teacher. You should also follow-up to make sure something is done. Talk with some of the other parents who have had problems with "Jill" and let them know that it would be in Jill's best interests if they also voiced their concerns to the teacher. Hopefully if more than one parent has a problem, the teacher/school will take it more seriously. They need to get Jill on the right path, or she will be a thorn in everyone's side for the next 12 years!
Normally I would say that bullying this early is rare and a social issue that can be corrected... but this little girl "Jill" is having some serious problems.
I strongly suspect that she's mirroring behaviors she's seeing or experiencing at home. While I don't think that the intent is there in this little girl's heart to actually hurt your daughter, I think that maybe she has some desire to have some control and authority in her life ... and her back and forth of showing love and affection and then exaggerated mean and selfish behavior is definitely coming out as bullying. It's aimed at your daughter because your daughter is not only tolerating it, but showing she cares for this girl so Jill probably feels safe that she can do this and your daughter will still like her. It's like a mirror of an adult abusive relationship.
The teacher needs to take this more seriously. Obviously because of privacy laws she can't tell you anything, but ideally she would get the school social worker or school psychologist to talk to the girl about treating other kids kindly. In our schools they go around and do workshops with the classes and talk about social issues at age appropriate level, a main one being "be nice to others" and anti-bullying rhetoric. Kids that seem to have a leaning toward bullying behavior are taken under wing early on so that interventions can be made.
Time to speak adamantly to the teacher. Jill is bullying and they are doing a disservice to BOTH your daughter and Jill for not dealing with the situation.
My heart goes out to your daughter. She is being made to feel responsible for Jill's behavior and is probably in fear. My sister was much older, but still very sensitive to other people and when a girl in our youth group threatened suicide every time my sister didn't do her bidding, my sister lived in fear that she would be responsible for the other girls death. Same manipulation, different age group.
If your daughter's teacher doesn't do something soon, go to the principle or the superintendent of schools. Be a pest if that's what it takes!
Good luck!
Many schools are now starting a big anti bullying campaign, that includes teaching children how not to become a bully (letting out stress, asking for help with problems) how bystanders can help, and how victims of bullying can react. Your daughter's school needs to be doing a LOT to help this little Jill who obviously has problems at a Young age! Keep talking to the teacher, the PTO and the principal.
I would consider this bullying...to an adult, it may seem minor...but your little girl probably goes to school and worries what Jill is going to do today. I would give the teacher one more chance to correct the issue (including moving Jill to another table). If the situation does not improve I would go to the principle. When a similiar situtation happened w/ my child I spent 2 days in the classroom "observing"....the bully left my child alone after that. Just as adults have stress so do little ones. Good luck ;-)
Jill has already figured out that she can get what she wants from your daughter. That is a fact. You need to step in and tell the teacher this situation is unacceptable. If she won't do anything, go up the food chain. Right now, you need to teach your daughter how to stand up and be counted and heard. That starts with you!!
Ask that your daughter be moved with different table mates. Ask the teacher to keep Jill away from your daughter. Jill is troubled and needs attention.
You are your daughter's advocate. If you need to get snotty then so be it. I think my kids elem school was so glad when they left. We had bullying issues with my daughter. She and about five others were put on a "hit list" in 6th grade. The police were called in and everything. It was beyond crazy! The boys were suspended and ending up leaving the area. I am never afraid to speak up where my kids are concerned!!! Good luck!
it sounds like she may have a crazy home life from the way you descibe her sittuation.
First off I would send in 10 buck to the teacher for this child to get the once a week bagel without knowing its from you or your daughter...not because of anything other than, i hate things like this where kids can get something IF their parents have money...imagine being the ONLY kid without the bagel..i am not fortunate enough to always pay for extra things and cant take off work for fun at school parties, one time i sent my bf and he reported my daughter and 2 other kids were the only ones without parents, and were J. sitting there watching the other kids buy things at the fair and enjoy theit parents all sad, until he got there and then my daughter felt sio loved...schools shouldnt have these things that can make one child feel so excluded!
Secondly, I'd teach your daughter how to speak up for herself and protect herself
thridly i'd maybe set up a playdate for my daughter and this girl to get to know her parents...i hope her home life is ok, it doesnt sound like it
some people jump to conclusions that the child is MEAN, i think at this age they miror what they see
I think you should sit your daughter down and explain to her that she needs
to say no to this girl. If the girl persists, she should tell the teacher. This ia a good beginning to teach your daughter to stand up for herself. Parents
do not do that today. Certainly it it gets out of hand, by all means step in,
but for right now, let your daughter handle it.
This is not bullying at all, it is just bad manners. Teach your daughter to stand up for herself and not give her stuff away. Tell her that next time jill says "give me that or we are not friends", that she should tell jill that friends are not something that are bought with items or money, and if that is what it takes she is not a real friend.
Sounds to me like Jill has alot of issues at home. Our kids are what we make them, and if they're the only ones not sending in their $1 that tells you someting. I may be wrong, maybe they can't afford it, but sounds to me based on how Jill acts they probably just refuse to. I would speak to the teacher again, and if something does not change, then I'd speak to the principal and see what he/she advices. Good luck. I have a kindergardner girl too, but luckily no bullies .
This is ridiculous. My daughter is in kindergarten and her school has a "no touch" policy. As soon as this girl touched your daughter in any way, intervention should have taken place by her teacher.You should go to the school and tell her teacher face-to-face to please move your daughter to another seat--period. If the harrassment still goes on, I would go directly to the principle. This should not be allowed to be going on. You want your daughter to have a positive school experience and have fun!!
Send a friendly email to the teacher. Tell her in detail about all of these incidents. Tell her you've tried giving it time, but things have escalated and your DD needs to be moved to a different table now please! I doubt she will keep arguing to keep them sitting together at this point.
Tell DD Jill has a lot to learn about being a true friend. Make sure she knows friends DO NOT tell you to give them your things. Real friends do NOT "threaten" to "not be your friend anymore" when you don't do what they say. And yes, her response to that kind of threat should be "OK then" and never give in to Jill's demands.
Also find out what you have to do to ensure they are in separate classrooms next year. And work on setting up some play dates with other girls in her class. Keep her busy with better behaved friends.
No, I wouldn't call her parents over it. I'd let the one dollar and pin go, but make sure your DD knows NO MORE things can be given to friends at school. Tell her to tell her friends her parents say she is not allowed to give anything away at school.
You absolutely need to talk to the teacher about this! I would request that she not sit by Jill for the rest of the year. This is the time when an immediate and strong message needs to be given to Jill - her behavior will not be tolerated. At 5 or 6 years, she has a great chance of learning a better way, rather than hoping it will go away and then discovering in 5 or 6 more years that her bullying is in fact horrible. If the teacher is unable or unwilling to take action to protect your daughter and the other students in her classroom, you need to meet with the principal. I would also encourage the other parents to speak with the teacher. Meet seperately so you don't gang up on the teacher, but more voices add credence to your case and show the bigger picture.
