Blended Family Growing Pains

C.,
My husband and I have blended our families as well. My son is 11 and his daughter is 8. She lives in San Antonio, but spends 6 weeks of summer here in Dallas & comes to see us the 1st, 3rd & 5th weekends every month. We are fortunate because they act just like brother and sister (including the fights), but we have similar challenges.

My step-daughter comes into town after running the house in San Antonio and we have rules and boundaries. She has had a hard time adapting to our rules and I think she feels I am the evil step-mother at times. My husband is very protective of his daughter because she lives so far away and is strict on my son because he is a boy and is with us more often.

We are in the process of trying to find more kids her age to interact with while she is here to make her stay more comfortable.

We have recently gone to counseling and it has helped, but sometimes it is good just to have a friend to talk to. So...if you need to talk or want a friend for your step-son here, my son is close to his age. Maybe we can get together some time. My name is K. and my number is ###-###-####. I know it is rough, but it is worth it.

Hi C.,
This has to be a tough time for ALL of you, but it is probably harder on the 12 year old than the 17 month old. His not wanting a baby to play with video games is not irrational, and the older boys need a more private space that is a baby free zone to play with their big people stuff. Think of it this way - at what age will it be OK for your new baby girl to "play" in your good makeup and with your expensive silk dresses? I do think it is good to encourage both of your older boys to spend family time with the baby, but at this age, there should be a parent there to supervise and encourage proper activities. The older children just have little experience incorporating a new baby. Even my son, who was 3 when his sister was born, was sorely disappointed that she would not be able to "play" with him for years after she was born! With all that said, it is important that the older kids know how to say "no", and how to put the baby away from dangerous and/or expensive things without being mean to the little one. He is a people too, just not as experienced and coordinated. He probably thinks he is as big as the rest of you in his little mind. He could play "football" with a soft or nerf football, or soccer, or any number of things that the boys might like to do, but in small scale. My son was actually playing Nintendo when he was 2 years old, but we adults were always right there with him. After a few crashes, he would either watch us, or go on and play with something else in the same room. You can't get a score of 1000+ in Duck Hunt with a toddler grabbing at the controls, so I believe that as the little guy gets older, this stuff will get easier. With the new baby coming, it will be good to establish these things now. Also, having both older boys trained in simple, short term watching of the toddler will help you, and help them bond with him more. Maybe you are expecting too much out of the 12 year old, and out of yourself. The Brady Bunch was an imaginary show, but they got one thing real very right: Do it with Love, and it will work itself out.

Best of luck to you all,
D.

I had two thoughts. I could be way off base here, and please don't take offense, but I'm wondering if you are making him feel really a part of this new family or just a visitor. The reason that thought came to mind is because you said that you are a SAHM to your 17 month old and a new baby, but you didn't include your step-son. Of course you're not his "mom" but he is spending an extended amount of time at your house and you are home with him.
Perhaps your expectations are a bit too high for a 12 year old to want to play with a 17 month old. Not wanting the younger child to touch his things while playing with them sounds typical to me. You only listed a couple of behaviors but if you have in your mind that everyone should be all lovey dovey, then maybe that isn't realistic. Maybe you could try giving your step-son "permission" to not play with his younger brother, but help him to find the right words/actions to use so that he's not mean to the little guy.
My final thought is maybe to enroll him in a babysitting course for teenagers. If he doesn't have experience with little kids, this might give him some needed knowledge and he might be more receptive if it's coming from someone other than you or his father. Plus, it will give him the basis of first-aid, which everyone in your house should know.
Good luck!

HI C.,
We had the same situation. When I was 7 months pregnate with my first son, my 13 yo step son came to live with us full time b/c of his behavioral issues with his mother. One thing that really helped was giving him the freedom to express his feelings to us (good and bad).Turns out, he had never forgiven his father not being at his elementary graduation, missed basketball games, the divorce, etc. Also I tried to do things with just he and I to help him know that I loved him and that he was welcome in our home. He didn't really act out toward his brother, maybe b/c we got him involved with the pregnancy by decorating the baby room, going to sonogram appointments etc. This might help with your up coming birth. He did act out in school work, disrespectfullness and by stealing. We had to make special time with him both with us together and one on one. Hang in there. I'm sure you are doing a great job (as mothers we never feel like are doing enough).

This guy feels lonely and left out no matter what you do. This age is hard. I think YOU should try to spend some quality time with him and let him know that YOU love him. Take him for ice cream, go buy him a favorite toy or something meaningful to him. It will make him feel more a part of the family if he thinks you love him. I have been in his shoes. He loves his baby brother, but also feels weird about him at the same time. You really can't expect him to play w/ his brother b/c of the HUGE age difference. I am 11 years older than my brother and 7 years older than my sister. I really hated them until i got to college and then they were growing up and we had more in common. They asked me for advice, etc. We are all very tight now and they are my two best friends! Don't push it, or you will push him away. Remember that he may not be your child, but he is a child that needs tons of love and guidance, even if he is driving you nuts! Stay calm. Take deep breaths and it will all be fine. He just needs to feel extra loved.

I don't have any specific advice, but I know of some great support boards that might provide some great insight:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psbonusfam

http://www.divorcesource.com/ubbthreads/postlist.php?Cat=...

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psdivorce

I have a 7 year old SD and an 18 month old son. My SD lives in OH, so we definitely understand the distance thing; however, she's not at that age where she's showing any negative behavior towards her little brother and she knows to keep her toys and dolls away from him (mainly because of the swallowing hazard).

Good luck!!