Yes, Another Blended Family Question :)

at that age if could have hidden my brothers' bodies and got away with it i would have cheerfully done them in.
khairete
S.

I think everything is "normal" with tweens. My brother and I hated each other as young children, but became extremely close in the tween years and beyond.

At the same time, I had friends that were close with their sisters as children, then the tween years hit and the older wanted nothing to do with the younger. Again, they tend to become close again in those later teen years.

Normal, unfortunately. My step-daughter was the sweetest sister in the world to my younger sons until she was maybe 12 or 13 and has been an intolerant, snotty, bitchy pain in the butt to them since then. The only time she talks to them is to complain about something annoying that they're doing (she's 16, they're 10 & 8).

My older sister was the same way towards all of us younger siblings and we all have the same parents. I see the same thing in all of my friends' families, where tween/teen girls give their younger siblings nothing but attitude. Older boys do the same thing, but in my experience it's not to the same degree.

I think you would be better off knowing this happens in families that aren't blended. When my older two hit around ten they no longer thought their sibs were anything but a nuisance. Then a funny thing happened, cars! My oldest realized gas ain't cheap and neither is insurance so if he was going to drive to his heart's content he needed a year round revenue source. Ahh little sister! He knew I would give him gas money if he drove her, he knew she wouldn't want to go with him if they weren't on good terms. Of course my second realized that he would drive her when I was too busy with my younger two....and a truce was founded, life went on. They are best friends now as adults.

My younger two are at 13 and 15 and the same epiphany is hitting them.

You have to remember they are still kids, the world revolves around them. I can assure you when they grow up they do love each other.

I vote universal. Tweens are miserable creatures and I was a horrible sister from about 11 to 17/18, which my younger sister will attest to. It's also a time when the 11yr old is growing and changing and the 8 yr old is still very young.

If she is doing what is done to her, then help her work through how to deal with those kids vs being a bully in your home. It is understandable that she is upset, but you and her father cannot simply allow s**t to roll downhill. Something I wish we'd done more of was to get people to communicate to each other when feelings are hurt. You talk to SD, but does DD ever sit down with SD with the parents as mediators? Maybe it would help for DD to tell SD in her own words that it's hurtful, or for DD to say, "You know, I understand why you might be angry, but please don't take it out on me. It doesn't make you feel good and it doesn't make me feel good, either."

My DD and sks are far apart, but there have been times when SD picked on DD just because she can....and I find myself telling even my 5 yr old, "Go ahead and tell SD how that makes you feel" because I think sometimes they need to hear it for themselves from the victim.

Normal - same thing happening with my 12 year old and 9 year old.

Well, I have had 13 siblings in my blended families.

Most of my life 4 of us lived together. (The 4 full siblings.) I had a brother 1 year older, a brother 2 years younger, and a sister 3 years younger.

My sister and I were really quite close for several years, but I did start to drift away for a bit when I hit those tween years. It REALLY didn't help when my mom tried to force me to let her tag along everywhere all the time when we were at her house for visitation. It got to he point that I actively disliked her, and I actually became quite cruel towards her. (Makes great stories now, but I do feel bad... Lol.) now, we are very close again.

My first set of steps included a sister 4 years older, and a brother 8 months older. They lived with us full time, and their dad was not in the picture at all.

My second set of steps included 4 boys, 2, 4, 8, and 11 years younger than I was. Their dads were not in the picture either.

I also have two 1/2 brothers from my dad. One 4 years older who we saw rarely, (long story...) and one who was born after I had already moved out (20 years younger. Lol.)

I had a 1/2 sister from my mom, who was killed at 15 months.

I also recently got 3 more step brothers from my mom who got married last year... (I don't really count them as I haven't even met one yet, and went to high school with the other two... It's weird, because my sister actually dated one of them when they were in high school together. Lol.)

SOOO.... I have a bit of experience with blended families. (Understatement of the year...)

In my experience, there is always going to be some malcontent between siblings during these lovely puberty years. Especially if one of the kids is trying to cling to a closer relationship than the other wants. I would encourage the younger one to give big sis her space, but also let big sis know at she WILL treat everyone in the family with respect. In every one of the relationships I have had with my siblings -step and blood-(except my younger brother...as the two "middle" children, we have alwYs had a super close bond.) there have been periods where we were close, we hated each other, we tolerated each other, and any other state of flux a relationship can be in. My dad was good about allowing us to handle our sibling relationships on our own, and now as adults we are all actually pretty close.

I don't think this is a "blended family" issue...it's a "family with a tween girl" issue. My girls are 11 and 13. We are not a blended family. Between the two of them, we've been in "tween years" for an eternity now (from when the oldest was 9 and youngest was 7 'til, well, right this second).

As your SD enters her teen years and her sister starts her tween years, expect things to possibly get even worse. Two hormonal teen/pre-teens in the household...it's so much fun for everyone!

I've been told the roller-coaster ride does eventually end. I'm hoping to be left with a few hairs in my head that are NOT grey.

It's universal, my daughter snubs her biological and step siblings equally. :)

It's partly age and partly temperament. Based on my childhood my brother and I got along right through the teen years (2 years apart) but my cousins (both girls, also 2 years apart) fought like cats and dogs their whole lives. Both situations were biological. In my blended family my stepdaughter at nearly 11 mostly enjoys playing with her younger brothers (3.5 and 1.5 years) but then again she craves company and is rather easy going. She can tap into a younger part of herself and be with her brothers and have a good time doing so. However, we understand as adults not everyone gets along all the time so we encourage them to play separately at times since everyone needs a little down/me time. When we see the kids struggling to get along, we separate them to cool everyone off. We remind them being kind is a must and playing together is a privilege not a right. “If you can’t play well together, then you’ll be by yourself until you remember to be kind/nice/respectful.” The other phrase we use - “you don’t have to like each other but you do have to be kind/nice/respectful.” For my stepdaughter who craves attention being separated is like a death sentence. For us any time the notion “that’s what I do at my mom’s house” comes up, we squash it. The expectations and rules in our home/family are x, y, z. Period. End of discussion. Good luck. Family dynamics can be tough.

I think what you are going through is universal, but there is probably a heightened sensitivity to it because you know it's a blended family.

I have a 13 year old. I think to expect an 11 year old to play with an 8 year old is unrealistic. However, I think to expect a 11 year old to be a good sister and to participate in family activities is totally realistic. So, I would focus more on that maybe. She can't ignore the 8 year old, she can't glare at her.... but is it because she feels she is "forced" to play with her so she's become resentful? Is she jealous because the 8 year old get her dad all the time, while the 11 year old doesn't have 100% access?

So - I think now is a fine time for your step-daughter to learn that different families do things differently and that what you and dad expect is different than what mom and step-dad (????) expect and that neither of you are *wrong*. Set up structured time, so everyone knows what to expect. From x:00 - x:00 is family game time. From x:00 - x:00 she can text her friends. From x:00 - x:00 kids set the table together. Maybe the more structured their time is the more they will know what to expect and it will be easier transitions.

Good luck.

The rule in our family is you must be kind to each other.

My 12 year old daughter is occasionally unkind to my 6 year old son. He idolizes her and it saddens him when she's not nice to him.

Here's what worked for us:

When she is unkind to him, it's clear she needs to practice being nice to him. Therefore, they become buddies. They spend a chunk of time together (playing games, doing art projects, etc.) in the kitchen where I can keep an eye on them and listen to how they speak to each other. I let my daughter know when she's had enough practice being kind to her brother.

My daughter is a smart girl. She would much rather be texting her friends than playing Candy Land and trains with her 6 year old brother. She learned very quickly that it took less effort to be kind to him.

Try it, it's simple and it works!
T.
SAHM of 5
14, 12, 6, 4 & 2

All our kids are 8 years apart (about that much). SS is 23, SD 15 and my daughter is almost 8. They all get along but there are/were transition times with all the kids.

I have never had any of the kids get nasty or give dirty looks. It sounds like your SD is having a hard time at home with other kids and taking it out on your child. I would set some rules for your house and have her dad discuss what is acceptable in your home and hers.

My sister and I are three years apart and shared a room until I got married and moved out of my parents' house. I hated the fact that I never had any privacy. Kids need their own individual space.

Growing up, our ages were the age difference between the two older sisters was 2 years and then I was 7 and 5 years younger than them.

The oldest wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. Once I was around 12, we often had fist fights. Prior to that, she hit me from time to time and there wasn't much I could do about it.

The other sister that was 5 years older than me coddled me a lot. I think she felt bad for the treatment I received from the older one.

In any event, I felt I never had anyone to play with and I can remember my 5 year diff sister telling me I was a nuisance often.

We were all biological siblings. Does that help?

Very normal. My 12 year-old daughter started shutting her door for the first time at age 11. She needs quite a bit of alone time these days. We insist on some amount of family time each day, but respect her privacy, also.

Explain to your youngest that sister is going through changes and she needs her privacy. And yes, being kind is a great family rule. The oldest can learn to ask nicely to be left alone.