Blended Family & Discipline...Help!

Family counseling.

You guys have a lot of 'minor' issues piling into great big huge issues. A good counselor will be able to help sort through all the small to begin unravelling the big ones.

Its a book for crying out loud! Not like he invests in a new car and then asks you to take a look at it. Read the book and if you don't like it then say I don't think this will work. It is just shutting down and being defensive solves nothing.

Thing is with your attitude, or at least what I get from this, you aren't going to be open to anything he says anyway. You are going to read the book and find everything to hate about it, kind of like right now reading this answer.

Anyway get family therapy. If I keep pointing out everything you are doing wrong you are just going to get mad at me and shut down. Part of parenting with a single family is give and take, in a blended it is more important.

Yeah got to agree with Lynn writing sentences isn't effective and puts a bad spin on writing. A punishment should be targeted to the crime. If a child doesn't do their homework because they were watching TV then take the TV away don't make them do more homework.

Considering you two adults have been at this for years at this point you should have already been on the same page regarding discipline years ago. It still sounds as though each of you are saying well that child is mine you can't tell me what to do. You are a family and yes biologically you each have a child that is solely yours however all of the children in the house should have to adhere to the same rules. They should be known and the consequences if they're not followed as well.

I highly suggest you get into counseling. This should not be about your son or his daughter but rather what is best for your children. Definitely be open to all suggestions and be proud that you have a husband who is willing to look outside of what the two of you have been doing for answers. Discipline should not be a power struggle between the two of you. If you two are honestly in this for the long haul you need to start treating one another as family and equals.

I would be happy that he cares enough to be interested in what a book has to offer as far as discipline and would at least read it and see what it has to say and see if any of it might be useful. I mean, it can't hurt, right? I think what is bothering you more is that he doesn't seem to want to apply the same rules to both kids and you sense he is not treating your son fairly. However, I would also realize that not every kid can be disciplined the same way (what works for 1 kid may not work for another), and make sure you are being honest with yourself about your son's behavior. You can't compare apples to oranges, and him saying anything about how your son was disciplined in the past isn't necessarily helpful today, but many parents tend to turn a blind eye to whatever their kid is doing that is less than stellar, or they do make excuses for them.

I think what might be helpful is if you and he can sit down together, write down the rules that you expect both kids to follow, and what the consequences will be if any are broken. Put it in writing, and maybe even make a poster that hangs on the wall that everyone can see and refer to, including him. It is possible that what he reads sounds great in theory but he's having trouble actually putting it into practice. Whatever system you come up with, follow through consistently. Maybe he's not as firm a disciplinarian as he needs to be and has trouble being "the bad guy". Let him know you'll be happy to read whatever, but remind him that sometimes it just comes down to good ol' old-fashioned "you do X and then consequence will be Y" and letting the punishment fit the crime - no arguing or making excuses!

ETA: If you feel that frustrated with the book thing and his approach to dealing with the kids and the discipline and all that, then maybe some family counseling is in order, like others have suggested, to help with communication and finding that happy medium.

I think it's better that he at least wants you to read the book, rather than just implement the policy. In his mind, asking you to read the book IS inviting your input. You could do the same thing, by the way - read a couple of books and share your insights. I'd take the books out of the library rather than buy them, but that's just me taking advantage of an overlooked free resource. I think it's okay that he grabs a book, but it's not okay that "philosophy of the week" takes over and rules the day. I'm not sure how you can have an opinion on a book neither of you has read, so I don't see the issue there. I think it's more that he doesn't consult you on a bunch of things, or that he tends to be rash - you didn't specify, but that's what it sounds like to me. Does he jump on board with other things? Is he looking for too easy a solution to a problem and grabbing at whatever the latest book craze is? And I see from your additional post that he doesn't finish the book or implement it, and expects you to do all the reading. So he's not really helping is he?

The big problem I see is that you two have different philosophies and different rules. It also seems that there is a huge disconnect between the faults each parent sees in the other's child. You've got a bunch of kids there, so there need to be HOUSE RULES. Doesn't matter which kid, who's the parent, or what book it's from - it's house rules. Yes, different rules for different ages maybe (like you said, time out works for a 2 year old but not an 8 year old -- they just take a time out with their iPods and it's no punishment). But if the house rule is "no TV before homework" or "no iPod in the bathtub" or "no throwing out an apple with 2 bites taken out of it" then those are the house rules and it doesn't matter which parent sees which kid doing what. It sounds like you are both seeing the other spouse's child's errors and not feeling for one second that you are going to get support from the bio parent. And don't think for one second that the kids don't see this and take advantage! So his kid is kind of daring you to discipline her, and your kid is daring your husband. Puts a lot of strain on the marriage.

For 8 year olds and older, (and really any age), it's the CONSISTENCY that matters! Kids can't follow rules that change, and they will test you both to see what happens. If they KNOW what will happen, they can make better choices.

I don't think 8 year olds can handle a lot of valuable things like phones and iPods so maybe it's best to take those away.

Otherwise, I would agree on a set of rules, WRITE THEM UP ON A POSTER, and stick it on the fridge or the wall of the back hall, or in each child's room. Then it's in writing. Transgression A gets Consequence B. Transgression C gets Consequence D. It's important to see "punishment" as a "consequence" and as something that the child HAS CHOSEN by understanding the rules and ignoring them.

But nothing will happen until the two of you get on the same page. I'd suggest couples counseling as blended families have all kinds of challenges and require new solutions. And yes, he has to stay for the whole session, not just go for 10 minutes and tell you to stay for and learn the rest!

Daddy's girl, Mommy's boy...it's just the way it is. In your case, it's more pronounced because she is not your biological child, nor is he your hubby's biological child.

I personally don't see a problem with him finding the book, reading it, and asking you to read it. How could you possibly discuss it and truely evaluate it before reading it? I think as long as you discuss it before implementing it, it should be ok.

You both have to also realize that what works with one child, may not work with another. I believe rules should be pretty much the same (but again, each child is different so they may need to be tweaked for each) and punishments should be comparable but not necessarily the same. The two of you should sit down and establish universal rules and consequences...obviously one broken rule should have a different punishment than the same rule broken for the 100th time. The kid that doesn't play games shouldn't have them taken as a punishment but it may work well for the "gamer".

I completely disagree with "writing sentences" as punishment. To me, it promotes seeing writing as a punishment and put a negative light on writing (and possibly writing for school work). My son already didn't like school, reading, and writing so this was definately not a punishment I would ever dish out.

Who care which child belongs to who. Poor behavior is poor behavior and while you and your husband are bickering about what to do the kids have the upper hand. There are some areas where my husband is more harsh and others that I am more harsh. I don't do parenting books. Most are a crock. Just discipline the kids, back each other up, and be consistent.

First, don't be sorry for this being long. I think, from what you are pointing out, the first problem to solve/conquer is not discipline, it's your relationship/communication with your husband.

You've communicated to him that you aren't happy with his excluding you from a problem-solving process which requires two people to really make it work. Perhaps it's in how you are telling him this, or perhaps he's frustrated because men are typically 'fixers' and he feels he's found a solution which is comfortable for him and doesn't understand why you won't get on board. (Which, being excluded from the process, would be an understandable response.) In any case, maybe this is time to find a family counselor.

I would suggest this in any case with any issues regarding blended families. Both parents need support, especially when trying to parent their spouse's child from a previous marriage and establishing a way of doing this which feels 'healthy' for the adults. From what you describe, you and your husband do not see eye to eye on certain aspects of discipline, to the point where your views differ dramatically-- the effects of this can be felt very emotionally, too. No one likes to feel their kid is being picked on while the other child is receiving tacit permission to misbehave. You both have your own histories with your own children and each of you know your own child's temperaments.

Here's the thing: at some point, for the children's sake, the playing field needs to be leveled and transparent. This means that you and your husband have agreed-upon consequences for *behaviors* which are standard for all the kids (and age-appropriate, of course). This means that while the older children might have different personalities and histories, if a rule is broken, the consequence is the same for both of them.

I'd strongly encourage getting some counseling and support for this, and possibly taking a parenting class together. Googling your area and looking through some of the resources, I found an excellent article; the author, Sue Billington-Wade is in the Boise area and does conduct parenting workshops. Here's the link to her site; the articles are featured on that page:

http://www.walkinthetalk.org/Sue_B_bio.htm

Looking through her work, she seems a knowledgeable resource. Good luck!

I agree that he should be able to buy a book and suggest you read it without jumping down his throat
BUT it seems you have started iff wring and might need to do family therapy
I went to the therapist with my ex lately because he didnt believe in disciplining my daughter and I felt if I could get his therapist to find a happy middle it would bennefit my daughter

If I was you
I would stop with the MY kid HIS kid and agree to treat, parent, love, and discipline all kids the same way togetether
sit down and write an action -consequence list to major things that happen all of the time you both agree on and both of you can dole out punnishments to ALL kids...also maybe try and bond with eachothers kids so they feel loved too?

I agree with wtriting being bad, its not a natural consequence

For y 5 year old the coomon punnishments are
doesnt eat dinner-doesnt get desert
whines about candy- throws away a piece of candy
whines at store that she wants a toy- throws out or gets a toy taken away for an extended time until shes greatful for what she has
backtalks or hits, goes in time out or ges to bed early
doesnt stop watching tv when told- no tv for x amt of hours or the day

I get that she;s five yours will probably be diferent i keep progressing with her list

BTW my boyfriend knows the appropriate punnishments and can give them out without asking M.

ETA also i'm sure your kids use you disagreeing to bennefit them, any kid would, you need to stand together even when you dont agree with them in front of them

Sometimes M. or my boyfriend will punnish Emmy and the other will feel it wasnt warranted and we misunderstood her and when she goes to time out we'll talk and somtimes leave her in time out or if we really misunderstood her actions we will call her out of her room and talk and possibly explain we misundertood and are sorry...we all make mistakes sometimes

Oh, boy have I been there!

As for the books, I would take what he says with a grain of salt, but I would read the book and when I got done, I would sit down with him and have a discussion. Have the book on hand and point out things in the book you agreed with and the things you didn't agree with; things you thought might work; things you thought needed to be tweaked for your family. If he can't hold the discussion, hand him the book and tell him when HE's done reading it, you will be happy to discuss it. Make sure he knows that you don't intend to implement ANYTHING from the book until the two of you have discussed it.

As for the unfair treatment, I don't have any answers. Hubby and I went through the same thing - both had a child from previous relationships - my girl, his boy, both the same age!

We fought about that stuff for years until the kids were grown and out on their own so I really have no answers for you. Forfunately, ours were older so we weren't in that place for as long as you and your hubby will be. I would definitely suggest family counseling.

I agree with getting into counseling with DH. Make the appt find a sitter and then go. If he has an issue tell him, " This will fix this". Have you thought about finding a book on blended family discipline that states all kids are to be treated and punished equally lol?! If you find one get him tell him to read it!

There shouldn't be any this is my kid not yours in the house. Sit down with the whole family and explain the rules. Tell them if ANYONE breaks a rule this is the consequence. Tell DH you don't care if it is your son or your stepdaughter they will be punished the same and there is no way around it. This way you don't have to worry about backing him up or you. It is written out in plain sight and that is just how it is. I wish you luck! It sounds like a crappy situation.