Bipolar Husband - West Haven,CT

You have received a lot of good responses so far, but I wanted to add my two cents. I grew up with a bi-polar step-father and things were rough…even in my adulthood. What has worked best for my step-dad has been minimal medications and maximum therapy. He sees two different counselors, one for marriage and family and one for his bi-polar. And when he gets manic, he increases his therapy visits, not his meds.

I am sure that your husband is in counselling, but are you. I have a friend whose husband is bipolar and the only way that their marriage works is for all of them to be in counselling ALL the time. Its hard, the mood changes, the attitude changes, the responsibility. IT'S HARD!! No doubt about it and there is no reason that you need to go through it on your own. Is your husband on disability pension? Thats what my friends husband did, once they determined that there was no possible way that he could work again ( he had been fired way too many times and has many health issues) they got a doctor and a lawyer on board and filed for disability pension so that he could have some form of income coming in to take some of the burden off of his wife. They also have a son and he is in counselling too because its hard on him too. The day to day stuff of being a kid can be sucked away when all the attention is drawn to the person with the medical problem so be aware of your son and his emotional well being.
It is possible to be over-medicated, and dangerous. Most of the meds that they use for bipolar can increase blood sugar or cholesterol or cause damage to the liver and kidneys. Make sure that your husband is getting regular blood draws to watch for any side effects. If you think that he is being over-medicated then tell the doctor that. What alot of people don't seem to realize is that doctors are employed by us, not the other way around, if you don't like this doctor, fire him and get a new one, one that is willing to play with the medications to stabilize them a bit more so that you can live with someone who is more functional then medicated.
Not a fun situation you are in. I feel for you, and I think you would be wise to seek help from a counselor to discuss some of your feelings with them.

Dear S.,
One of my friends was going through this and she actually went to the doctor with him. They had zero sex life and the meds he was on made it even worse. They tested him and he had zero testosterone levels. He has been taking testosterone and their life completely changed. The depression, lack of energy, lack of interest in anything. It wasn't even depression, (which they had him on all kinds of things for).
Ask for a hormone test for your hubby.
I read something on the internet about men checking out and told her about it. She asked the doctor and it turned out to be right.
Maybe see a different doctor or ask for the testosterone level test.
My friend's husband isn't on anything but the testosterone and he's doing so well they are going to start lowering it to see how he does. He is 45.

Hang in there and ask for another opinion or request the test.
It just might change life for both of you.
My friend's marriage has never been happier.

Best wishes.

Sounds like it's time to get another doctor. Doctors are not gods and some are better practitioners than others. Go with your instinct.

Hi S.,
I don't have personal experience with this situation, but I am sorry that you are living such a stressful life. You are a very strong lady, and it sounds like you are doing so much to stick by your husband.
I would suggest having him see another doctor. Is he receiving counselling along with meds? And how about you? A really good doctor will not only treat the patient but will recognize that the spouse/family needs support and refer you to the proper resources.
Good luck

Bipolar is a real and hard thing to deal with. Don't be afraid to research and look for other doctors. Interview them. You will have to do this yourself.
The doctor should be searching for real solutions with a combo of meds and therepy. Not just upping meds. that is disgraceful on the doctors part.

Get healthy. I found with my husband that the healthier foods that are eaten, the more he seems to process the world around him better. I don't know what the connection is, maybe some blood sugar levels, I don't know, but whole foods seems to help him tons.

Good luck, and keep the faith. Its hard.

Take your husband to a new doctor-please. Medicine is not always the answer and medicine alone doesn't work. good luck :)

Counseling has to be involved. Constant and consistent care both medically and psychologically. My BIL is bipolar. Its a livable condition but its a constant one too and it takes a LONG time to get the right treatment down. He sees a psychologist regularly too - VERY IMPORTANT. That helps with lifes daily struggles and even major events - in addition to the meds. Is the prescribing doctor a mental health professional? Its ok to keep shopping around for the right care. It is not your husbands fault, try to remember that.

I can sympathize with your situation completely. I am bipolar and have a husband and 4 children. I went through several doctors and multiple medications before I was able to find the right mix. Also, talk therapy is good, as well as keeping a journal - each member of your family - to share with the therapist (s) is an excellent thing.
My husband researched for days, printed reams of information, and sought counseling for himself and our children to help cope with my disability.
I wish you all the luck in the world with this endeavor, stay strong.

Depression is horrible difficult, and something that i myself have gone through and it has been incredibly draining for my husband. First of all, you need to speak to other wives going through this. Also, is he in therapy? workign on finding the right meds? the right dr? i went through a few psych and a few therapists before I found ones who i truly trusted . I know that for my husband it's always easier when iw as actively working to get better. Whether it be accupuncture (which did help me), therapy (which didn't do to much), meds (the right ones are amazing) and hormone treatments (hypothyroid). You should got to the dr with him once in a while just to see him working on getting better. Does your husband acknowledge that this is a struggle for you too. on another, less practical note. We just saw the broadway show "next to normal." truly shows the inner workings of a women with a bi-polar and the impact it has on her famiy. In the end she leaves him, which I AM IN NO WAY SUGGESTING , but for my husband and I it was a real conversation starter about the ripple effects of depression.

I feel your pain! My husband has post tramatic stress syndrome, and is not the same man I married either. It is hard, and while not the same thing, it is similar. I also suffer from depression so I can understand things from that angle too. My husband has stood by me trhough my hard times and so I will stand by him too. Believe me, I have given it thought, but I see the "old" him in there. Does your husband have any good days? Try to hang onto those while working this out. Also, I would seek a second opinion on the meds he is on. Some do work better than others and it can take a while to find the right ones. A different Dr may help also. If you can, you may want to try to stick it out another year and reevaluate then. I feel the same way with our girls too. I do everything while he sits on the computer! We are working on it and it is (slowly) getting better. Some days are better than others. I hope this helps and please feel free to contact me if you want to talk. Good luck.

Have you tried prayer, pray with him and over him. Give God a try.

I don't have any personal experience with bipolar, but it sounds like you are looking for alternate forms of treatment. I would strongly suggest you find a Naturopathic doctor (they are licensed doctors, but believe in healing the body through natural treatment, herbs etc.). I see one for various reasons and I know they can treat any type of mental illness very successfully. Western medicine usually only treats the symptoms, not the cause. Naturopathic Drs follow Eastern medicine and look to find a way to correct the issue (the root cause) as opposed to just treating the symptoms. There are herbs and other homeopathic ways to treat issues with serontonin or dopamine or any chemical imbalance in the brain. You just need to be patient and stick with it, b'c Naturpathics will not have a "one size fits all" treatment the way regular pharmaceutical medicine works. They customize treatment for every individual. We see one in NY for our whole family and the results are amazing (from everything as minor as an all-natural teething tonic for my teething 9 month old son, to overall health issues for my husband and I). Just be aware, most insurances don't cover these visits. But your health is so worth the investment. Your health, your sanity, your well-being! Try to find a ND in your area. Good luck.

Bravo to you firstly for standing by your man, especially when he's sick. Mental illness' are particularly difficult to live with because it affect ones behavior. I am bipolar as well. I can suggest to you a few things. One, get a second opinion in regards to his medications. Many of us are medicated improperly, with high doses of many different medications. Secondly, look for a support group in your area and GO!. Living with someone who's bipolar is HARD to say the least. Thirdly, read about bipolar and it's symptoms. If one is aware of when they are getting off track(sick) they can seek treatment, perhaps a med adjustment before all hell breaks lose.Hope I've been of some help.
ve

just get the divorce,he never going to be okey againg.

I too suffer the same plight. But, the good news is, that after MANY years of determining the right "cocktail", and therapy, we and he, are now happier than we have ever been. It took a lot of testing the waters, but once the right combo is found, it can all be good. The important thing, I think, is for the person suffering to understand that they have a disease, a controllable disease in most cases, but that they have to work to maintain it. The person living WITH that person, has a harder time sometimes and has to remember that it isnt you. You arent crazy, and you are dealing with a rough situation. Talk to each other a lot, learn how to tell him when he is behaving "manic" and after a time, with the right meds, he can learn to understand when he is too. Just make sure that once you find the right combo, he STAYS on the meds. A side effect of being bi-polar is that they feel better and think, "hey, I am ok, I dont need meds", not thinking that it is the MEDS that are making them feel better. I wish you so much luck and strength. I KNOW that this is not easy to deal with. But it can get better.

Hi S. - I was diagnosed bipolar in 1993 & it can sometimes take a while to get the right medication/mixture of medication. How long ago was your husband diagnosed? Sometimes it can also take a few different doctors until you get things right too. The best advice I can offer is that you become as educated as you can about it. There are many bipolar support groups that welcome family and friends and that way you can hear people openly discuss things. I was a co-facilitator of a bipolar/depression support group and I think the best thing that people can do is to hear other experiences because then you kind of realize that this may not always be a choice that the person diagnosed has & that it may be a common behavior. My father is bipolar so my husband knew a whole lot as far as what my mother went thru, however I am not allowed to use my illness as an excuse w/my husband. The mood swings can be brutal, but we all have off times so I can't just throw it out there that it's my bipolar. There are a number of books that explain a whole lot, but I think that one of the most helpful things my husband did was to watch the movie Mr. Jones w/Richard Gere. It was a wonderful book about a man who was bipolar - it kind of put him where I often get & it made it a little easier for him to understand. If you ever need to email me or anything my email address is ____@____.com - good luck & know that all of this is just a part of things but I'm sure that your husband appreciates all that you do..

I'm bipolar. Those who tell you not to take meds don't know how wrong they are! It takes some time to get the right combination of meds to get a person stable & functioning. I'm still trying after 3 years BUT am ALOT better than I was 3 yrs ago. Therapy will help himtoo. Also you need therapy to help you cope with it. My hubby HATES anything to do w/ therapy but will be the 1st to admit that it has helped him & my kids tremendously! As for the nonworking - if he's really bad he may be able to get permanent disability thru the goverment. I have it now & it will help you financially. Once he gets the right meds & starts to function then he can go back to work. It's not laziness! It's just an inability to see the world like everyone else & no matter how hard you try you can't get it together.
I hope I helped you a little..Also prayer is helpful! Best of luck!

Childhood is short and should be a great joy everyday. My husband too suffers from bipolar accented by drinking binges, I have three children, every day of our marriage became poison since my husband's denial of his own health issues is too deep for me to penetrate. After years of all family members suffering, I finally gave up and decided to save myself and my kids. It was an adjustment and very financially difficult, but now the kids have a happy, healthy, stress-free house to come home to everyday. I have never considered myself a strong person, andwhen I look back (3 1/2 years ago), I cannot believe my own strength, cannot believe I did it. Most of the time I have peace that I did the right things for my kids (it felt like I had to CHOOSE between my husband or them), and peace that I cannot change him, only he can....still I do feel sometimes like I failed at the mother of all things, and something of a cop-out, I DID give up, but if it's the last thing I ever di I will raise healthy, well-adjusted kids, particularly since they are all genetically predisposed to the same illnesses. All I can say for you is follow your heart, you have many mom's rooting and praying for you!

Dear S.,

My heart goes out to you. My first husband was bi-polar, so I have an idea what you are going through. Our marriage didn't make it, but it was because he was unwilling to change his lifestyle and take care of his health. I would suggest that your husband go through regular talk therapy in addition to the medication. Also, there's so many different types of medication out there, he may need to try new things and different dosages before he finds one that's right for him.

Counselling for you and your son is also a good idea.

Good luck,
R.

Dear S.,

My husband, too, is bipolar, and I'm really just writing to tell you I've been there -- and am there -- too. Mine is going through a bout of depression right now, too, and so far I'm determined to stick it out. I just tell myself that bipolar is a disease, like cancer or something, and that if my husband had cancer, I wouldn't be ending the relationship. I don't mean to sound judgmental toward those women who have ended their marriages AT ALL. Every situation with this is so, so different -- mine just happens to be live-withable.

At any rate, a couple of thoughts for survival:

First, shop around for other doctors. Your husband doesn't have to leave the dr. he's currently seeing to consult with a new one.

Second, as others have said, look for a support group. You're not alone, as the responses to this thread have shown, and it's important to reach out for support when you need it.

Third, if you feel like a single mom, do what "real single moms" do to save their sanity. Hire a sitter for a few hours and just get a few hours to yourself.

And, finally, staying at home, not working, sounds pretty counterproductive for a depressed person. Could your husband take on some kind of volunteer responsibility -- something that gets him out of the house every day?

Reading all the answers I do believe your husband could be helped spiritually and naturopathically too. Just try to find some of these answers by diligently searching. God rewards as we diligently seek the truth in Him and around us.

I agree with erika C find another doctor just packing on the medicane is not the answer. At that rate the medicane will build up in his system and stop working or not work as well. Be strong it will be ok just going to be hard. I know mental illness my mom suffers from a hormone imbalance and my father has worked with her illness all their marriage. it takes alot but if you love the person you walk the line. Good luck my prayers are with you oh yes, my parents are married 38 wonderful yrs. It can be done!