Anyone Dealing with a Husband Dx with Bipolar?

OMG! Yes yes yes!!!
Went thru divorce and he still won't leave. Its crazy hard and scary.
Email me privately! How are his depressive times?
Where are you? I'm in. Canton .
Sorry for typos, I have a blackberry as he is also paranoid and has put spyware on my computer!
Take care,T.

HI B.,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this is happening to you and I don't know what to say except that I am glad you are considering leaving. My sister is going through the same thing with her husband and it is so sad because we were so close and now we are not because of her husband. She has stopped talking to us about their problems. If you do leave him and you do take the kids you could always visit him with a supervised visit for you and him at a meeting place with the kids. I would look into all of this prior and when you do start talking to him about the D word perhaps you can persuade him to take his meds otherwise you and the kids will be leaving him. Talk to him when he is sane and tell him how much you adore him when he is sane but that when he isn't you just can't let the kids see him when he is in a rage. He needs to think about you and the kids.

Good luck! CM

Sorry your dealing with this.But I think you should have your ducks in a row before breaking the news to him that way if he acts like we all predict he will act you will have somewhere safe to go.I do think that he has a right to see his children though,so don't completely shut him out of their lives.I do think you should move a good bit of distance away, and maybe even somewhere he doesn't know where your at or would have a long trip getting to if your worried about your safety.I've never been through this or known anyone who has but it sounds unpredictable which can be scary and dangerous.Is he ok when he is on the medication?If so, why not try letting him know that unless he stays on his meds that you cannot stick around for his mood swings.Grsnted it will be a long hard road to go through divorcing him,but usually things come to a head at one point or another in situations like this so it's best to get it done and work towards moving on as soon as possible.

Make plans to move far enough away from him so that visitation will be as rare as possible.

You think he is difficult now? Just wait until he is living alone and the loneliness starts to get to him. Before you know it, your kids will be older and they will start to feel sorry for him or even like they need to take care of him.

The further away you are, the less often ALL of will have to deal with him. If he is so unpredictable and you are a good distance away, he will follow through with fewer visitations, too.

Dear B.,

My mother has a very similar disorder and her diagnosis has been flipped back and forth from Bi-Polar to Phscizso-effective (a mixture of Bi-Polar Disease and Phsycizophrenia (sp?)) Anyway, as a child of someone with this type of disorder, I can tell you this IS taking a toll on your children. My mother raised my sister and me alone, our father left her when I was 3 yrs old (mother was still pregnant with my sister.) While my situation was a little different--we didn't have a healthy adult helping our mother look after us but she also was never violent, just delusional--I can tell you that most of my childhood was really screwed up; to put it lightly. It took me a long time to realize that my mother was not normal, that the things she thought and the visions she saw were not real. Her mood swings kept her from ever giving my sister and me the kind of stability and consistency that we needed from her and to be honest, I've done a lot more to raise her than she has been able to do to raise me. She kept custody of us by basically hiding from anyone who might be able to tell that she wasn't really capable of raising two children on her own. Even now that I am grown and have one of my own (a beautiful 5 mo old baby boy!), I still carry the burden of caring for my mother. When she has her episodes (which usually last for months but will only occur once every year or two) it is my responsibility more than anyone elses to make sure she takes her medicine, doesn't harm herself, and goes into the hospital under round the clock suicide watch if things get too bad.

I guess the point here is, unless you are committed to your husband enough to be willing to be his care taker, and to have to hide his behavior from your children, I believe you should leave. Even more than his disorder, staying in a relationship that you are not happy in will take a toll on the kids. You should lead by example, if you wouldn't want your children to stay in an unhealthy, potentially loveless relationship, then don't set that example for them.

I wish you all the best. A decision such as this is likely to cause much heart ache but I believe that if you have been strong enough to keep your sanity while being married to him this long, you are strong enough to make this choice and do what is right for your children.

Hi B.,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Living with a person who has bipolar disorder is a very hard thing to do and will really take its toll on you and your children. As a person who has been through a divorce and who has lived with a bipolar, and grew up with a bipoloar mother, I can tell you that the affects on a child are severe. Now that I am an adult I have spent numerous hours in counseling and also have been on anti-depressants. Living with these people created a tremendous amount of uncertainty about myself, an inability to accept criticism, extreme depression, and anxiety. As a child who grew up in that environment, I begged my dad to leave my mom because the mood swings were so bad that I was always afraid to be home. The way she acted caused me to have very low self esteem. And, since I knew no other lifestyle, I married into the exact same situation. When I finally recognized it and recognized how it made me feel I got out of the marriage. Although the divorce was miserable, and we still argue 4 years later, it was the best thing that could have happened to me, and most importantly, to my son. He will not have to grow up in the instability and sadness that I did. He will be able to feel safe and warm at home instead of fearful and miserable.
I know everyone's situation is different, but if you are unhappy, just think of how miserable your kids may be. Although kids are much better at hiding those feelings than we are, the affects can be everlasting. It's better for a child to grow up in a split home where at least one of the homes is stable and provides healthy living and nurturing than to have to grow up in instability and an unhealthy environment.
Don't know if this helped at all but hopefully it gave you some insight into what your children may be going through.

Hey B.:

My former husband was diagnosed at age 12 with juvenile diabetes (type I). Although it is a differend disease from bipolar disorder, your story chilled me because it sounds so much like my own.

We had three children who saw his horrible behavior as normal because they had no other barometer of reality. I was at the same point as you, knowing that I couldn't expose my children to this type of dysfunction and knew that, although we would all be happier without him, that he would make us (particularly me) miserable if I / we left. We left anyway. It's been hard, but infinitely better. He did not get custody, actually never asked for it and rarely exercises his visitation rights. He continues to act like a tempermental child and the children thank me for removing us from the situation.

The sadness of your situation and mine is that both your husband and my former husband have the tools to control their disease but choose not to. This type of person is too selfish to worry about taking care of anyone, let alone himself.

I was more concerned with making sure my children were safe than fighting a one-sided fight to preserve my marriage and the illusion of a happy family. Leaving was the most difficult thing I've ever done but also the best choice I've ever made. The best part is that my children are now healthier and I'm healing. He still does his best to make me miserable but at least I don't have to live with him and I'm making a new life without him. Just know that you will be tied to this man in one way or another until his child support obligation is fulfilled.

I am in your situation!!!!!!!!! I have 2 children 5 & 7. I work Full Time and he is on Disability because of hie Dx of Bi-Polar. We have been married for 8 years. IT IS HARD some days. Is he on the right meds. The violence has to stop. He needs to learn to deal with it. I sat down with my husbands doctor and talked with him. THIS HELPED A LOT!!!!!!!! If you don't understand what Bi-Polar is and how it effects EVERYTHING you will have to be medicated yourself due to STRESS!!!!! I agree with some of the things that have been said but every Bi-Polar person is different. I can tell you 100% that if you leave your husband they will look into his medical records and the decision will be NO UNSUPERVISED CONTACT. Just from what you have said they will make so that he will have 1 maybe 2 hours a week in a room SUPERVISED to see his children. I get calls from my husband at work at least 3 times a week and he is Mad or sad. YOU need to understand the cycles that he goes thru. I can watch my husbands reactions and tell you pretty much when is is "unsafe" for us to go out in public ( he is in a depression) or when it is time to take the girls on a Mommy and Me day. NO ONE signs up for this when you get married!!!! The question is are YOU willing to endure the bad to get to the good. Understand that it will NEVER go away. This is what he will do for the rest of his life. The " BIG WAVES" can be lessened but know that even though the BIG WAVES are controlled you still have the little waves of emotion. AGAIN I say not every situation is the same. If you see it comming a lot of the times you can ditract the emotion to lessen his mood swing. My husband, thank goodness, is stable on meds. We have not had to have him go into the hospital for almost 3 years now. It is a challenge sometimes but WE endure it together. However it took several doctors and SEVERAL trips to the PSYCH ward for detox from one med and Dosing of another. Keep in mind that someone who is on PSYCH meds may or maynot be able to change meds without going into the "padded room". I will gladly talk with you if you need someone. If you let me know where you are I will try to find some contacts close to you to help YOU out. The one thing I asure my husband is WE can do it together. I can't do it for him and sometimes he can't fight the "Waves" by himself. Your husband has to know that you stand beside him. Without support he will self destruct. Let me know If you need anything. Sorry for the misspelled words. I am trying to type and work at the same tme.

B.- i also agree somewhat with colleen.I DO know someone who has this disease- and i know it is hard for them to stay on thier meds- but try to nail into his head that unless he stays on them- the future looks glum. I don't know if you have faith or not- but prayer can help change many things as well! Tell everyone you know to pray for his healing and his common sense to stay on the meds. I know this is an extremely difficult thing to go thru- but remember you married "for better or worse". I'm so sorry for the children- as this is a very hard thing for them to comprehend.
I would see a couselor for yourself and try to talk to him when he's not having an episode. Divorce isn't the answer to everything....unless he IS being physically abusive to you or your kids. I will pray for you and your family to find peace and healing.
My friend just went thru a divorce and he is borderline bipolar- it's been the hardest thing for her and her kids- divorce is not an easy solution to any problem- however I do see the need for it in certain situations...
Good Luck to you. i'll be thinking of you

B., my brother is bipolar and went through a really tough time with his wife where I told her to leave because of drugs but she stuck it out and now he's doing better and I admire her strength and love for him inspite of his problems. My husband's mother and sister is bipolar also and I've been through ups but mostly downs with them although they do much better when treated and when they allow the Lord to be in their lives. I have to say I think you should give it your all before you call it quits. My mother got divorced from my father when I was six because he cheated a lot but to this day she's says if she had to do it over again she would stay for our sake. Divorce will forever change your children's lives and self esteem. I know personally. Unless he is physically abusive I would really try to work through it with a lot of prayer, counseling and honest discussions with your husband about your feelings (when medicated preferrably. Good luck and God bless.

I do understand your situation a bit more now. I just responded to your last message. I think that maybe you could get some advice from his doctor even just b/c I don't understand what he is going through and maybe he will have the best advice in how to handle the situation. I def think that you are doing the right thing for the kids. They don't understand what is going on and soon enough they will just think that it is ok to act like that. Maybe once you do leave and your husband has seen that you have had enough of his behavior he might have a little bit of a wake up call and want to do better for his kids. Always let a family member or a close friend know your situation just in case it does go bad. Try to be as civil as you can for your kids sake. Especially if he would fight you for the kids. I have always told my husband that I would never take the kids from him ever. I do agree if the situation is bad enough for their saftey to though. Hang in there!

I was in a similar situation 8 years ago. I simply went to my pastor at church and he got me into a program called action ministries. It is a methodist program for women and children. They set it up to where they came and picked me and the kids up while he was at work and relocated us, helped me find a job, etc. I got custody and thrived. Check with your local methodist church if you are serious about getting out of there safely. My ex and I are friends now and he is better than he was, but still won't take meds or see a doc. Good luck to all of you, I feel for you and the kids. Email me if you want to talk more. I can give you my number. I am in Jackson, GA. GOD Bless.

S.

My husband doesn't actually have bipolar, but he is on a medication that tends to make him bipolar. He has epilepsy, and the medication he is on to treat it (Tegretol XR) is also used to treat bipolar. As a result, his system has become very out of whack. When he's on the medication, he is a wonderful man. The minute it wears off, it's "Watch out world". I know exactly what you mean about how being married to him is the hardest thing you've ever done. I can't count the number of times that I've been close to packing up, taking the kids, and leaving.

The best thing that I can suggest is talking to him. Lay down the law with him. Tell him that he has two choices. 1) Stay on medication so that you and the children aren't left in fear of the unpredictable, or 2) Lose his family.

In the meantime, document the outbursts. What happened, when and where. If you can, video it. That way, you have documentation to show a judge should you need it.

Good luck!

B.: Hi unfortunately I am not sure what u mean by dx? Anyway I will tell you that my husband is bi-polar and sometimes he "acts out" also; my childen are older but when they were longer we simply tried our best to hide his porblems from them but they are now ages 10 and 18 and are doing fabulous! They have been educated on bi-polar disorder and understand that he has an illness. Don't get me wrong but there are times when I have thought that if he was not around well things would be "better"; but ultimately I (and the children) love him to much for that; my hubby is taking meds but we are having trouble getting the right combination of drugs so things are still not perfect (whose life is?). I know you have to have a lot of patience (believe me I know) but please consider how it will look to your children years down the rode if you leave this person because they have bi-polar disorder; would you consider leaving if the illness he had was cancer? Please pray about it and I nor anyone else can tell you what is best for you and your family. I wish you all the best!!!

i am so sorry to hear about your situation...i too have a husband that is bipolar and he doesn't take medication...his case isn't severe enough to keep him from working but sometimes his mood can be very negative and nasty...it makes him very critical of me and is very discouraging...making matters more complicated, i am bipolar myself but have been taking medicine continuously since aug. 2006...a bipolar person is a lot like an addict in that they have to hit rock bottom before they realize that they have to get on and stay on medicine or at least that's what happened to me...i have no easy advice...i just wanted you to know that you are not alone...

I have been through a little of what you are going through. Is there any way that you can ask your hubby kindly to take his meds? Just talk to him and tell him that it is important that he take it in order to feel better. Stay out of harms way when he has these attacks though. It is hard to live with it I know, but if you love him, you can get through it. Try to talk to the children and tellthem that it is a sickness that daddy has and he doesn't mean what he says or does.

Very, very, very important!!! --- DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT DIVORCE YET -- GO SEE AN ATTORNEY -- HE/SHE WILL GIVE YOU ADVICE ON HOW TO REACT, WHAT TO DOCUMENT, ETC. SO THAT YOU WILL HAVE A GOOD CASE WHEN THE CUSTODY PART BECOMES AN ISSUE. You're number one priority is keeping your kids safe and as emotionally together as possible.

I wish you all the luck in the world! I know you are going through a very tough time. Just stay strong and know that a year, three year, ten years from now you will be able to look back and say, "That was so hard but I'm so happy to be where I am now."

Hi B.,

I had onced dated a guy whom later became my finance, and later discovered he was bipolar. I can greatly understand and relate to your concerns. His emotions were unpredicated, blamed everyone for his mistakes and failure in life. I am grateful that I didn't married him because my instinct (gut feeling) was giving me signs that he was not a good choice, this was before I knew of his problem. In any event, after discovering his problem, I had come to the conclusion that you can not change no one BUT YOURSELF. If your husband doesn't want to change, there isn't anything you can do about it. Since their emotions are so unpredictable, there is no gurantee that they caus any physical harm. I would strongly suggest that you reinterate to him that you really want this marriage to work. Since you are aware of the problem, let him know that the FAMILY needs to seek appropriate counselling. If he refuses, you really need to consider the saftey of you and your children. And remember, no matter what YOU do, YOU can not change him. He has to find the desire to want to change. Wishing you and your family the best! LJB

I am not dealing with a husband who is bipolar, but I do have a male friend who is currently out of work & staying with my children & I. He is bipolar. The key to a stable life with this man is his willingness to take his meds & HIS being fully aware of how his condition affects those around him. My friend went thru years of counseling, takes his meds religiously & isn't afraid to communicate his feelings. I would suggest talking with his or your doctor, perhaps seeking counseling. Ultimately though, it will be HIS decision whether or not he wants to get a handle on his condition. I wish you the best of luck. I know this is not an easy situation to be in, as I have also known people with bipolar disorder who were in complete denial...