BIL And SIL Love Triangle

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Ick. I wouldn't want to hear about any of this either.
What people do is their own business and maybe that's what you should tell them. "It's your business. Keep it to yourself. I refuse to listen to it."
Either that, or I'd say...."Look, unless you really want to hear what I think of the whole thing, you will keep it to yourself because I've had enough and it might get ugly. Just warning you."
I would definitely try to continue letting the kids have a relationship with their cousin. He's innocent in all of this.
Like I said, there may be some sort of fascination or attempt at validation by spilling all of this to family members, but if they like discussing it so freely, they might not like what gets said back as opposed to people keeping their lips zipped.

I wish you the best. Tough situation.

Your first, last, and only priority is YOUR family. Your son, your husband, and any other kids in the house. Luckily your son & husband both sound like smart people so they want nothing to do with this craziness. If it were me I would put up with it on rare occasions to see extended family (grandparents etc.) but that's it. Even then try to keep the conversation limited. After 32 years on this earth I have finally realized there are people in this world who truly embrace misery and drama. For the life of me I don't understand it but I have learned to simply refuse to engage in it. All we really have is this tiny amount of time we've been given and this kind of thing isn't worth a single second of it. And people like that WILL suck everyone they can into their vortex of misery. Don't insult or judge them, just stay the heck away and pray they figure out the damage they are doing to themselves and their child before it's too late. Focus on your family and cultivating peace and love and happiness in your corner of the world (I swear I'm trying not to sound to hippieish). That's all you can really do but it's also the best thing you can do. Good luck to you guys!

I would give it some space and time and then try to work it out by ignoring that part of thier lives. Just because they talk about it, doesnt mean you have to respond. You could even say, "I am choosing to ignore this" when they bring it up. I would not isolate your nephew, it's not his fault this is going on.

Multiple issues here:

First, spend that good time with your nephew. Yes, his parents are behaving like train wrecks right now, and it sounds like they are caught up in their own stuff. It might be really great for your nephew to have steady, loving company that is focused on him and is healthy. All you have to do is *be there* for him to see the example of you and your husband.

Second, I hate to say this, but ignore them when they talk about this. If you need to, be so blunt as to tell them (privately) "Listen, I'm going to be straight with you: I think you both made a terrible mistake in allowing a third party into your relationship. I've offered you advice, and you haven't listened. I know you are both hurting, but at this point, I'm past being the person to help you figure it out. This is what a marriage counselor is for. I'd love to talk with you about anything else, though, but I can't go there through this with you. Please respect that."

For what it's worth, I'm very open-minded, and in my adulthood I've seen several couples entertain the "open marriage threesome" and then implode. I used to (idealistically) believe that this sort of relationship was possible, and even met people with a lot of lofty language about the 'responsibility' and communication and openness of maintaining relationships like these. It sounds like something emotionally evolved couples can take on. From my observations, however, it seems to involve some sort of emotional evolution that has evaded everyone I know who has entered this situation. Let them cope with the implosion, don't feed their drama with attention (and, oh geez, I have a few thoughts about parents of children who need that much attention for themselves, period. Are they competing with their son to be "important"?") and go be a sane example of an adult for your nephew.

Cheers,
H.

You can't help stupid.
It's disrespectful to keep talking once someone has flat said "I do not want to hear about this". And the fact that they put your son, as a teen (like you don't have enough to deal with, with normal teen stuff?) in a weird position is reason enough to drop your dealings with them completely. Complete and total disrespect and disregard! And I wouldn't be able to trust them around me, my children, or my stuff because of it. I wouldn't want that kind of atmosphere and environment around my family. That's just me. They tried to talk to you about it, you gave them advice and tried to help, they disregarded it completely. There is nothing else to be done until they follow through and make changes.
You could see your nephew at family functions at someone else's home, but I wouldn't go there or have them at your home. That's just life. You have your own marriage and family to think about. It's not like you just heard about it and blacklisted them; you tried to help. They didn't want it.

Their problems are their problems. They chose to do a threesome and then it backfired and caused problems... I'd just ignore it as much as possible and stick around for the nephew's sake. I have people blabber about problems they inflicted on themselves a lot of times, I just listen and say oh that sucks or something and just move on... from what you say this is probably different cuz you said they just go on and on and on. Some people like the attention, or she is venting to anyone within ear distance.

It sounds to me like they enjoy the attention of the sitation and that's why they continue to talk to you about it and ask you questions and for advice.

I think not talking to them and intentionally keeping away is a bit harsh. It is their relationship and their choices. Is it really effecting you in any way, other than them talking about it? Keep reminding them you are not interested in the details but outside of that, I don't see why an all out avoidance needs to happen. ...Just me. Good luck!

It sounds like you'll have to avoid family get togethers if you are to avoid being with this couple. If that's the case I'd get together with the rest of the family even if they're also present. Do not allow this couple to separate you from the rest of the family.

I also agree that you should continue to spend time with your nephew.

It sounds like, in simple terms, that what is keeping you from a willingness to be around them is their insistence on talking about their marital relationships. I suggest you can stop that by not listening.

The hardest way to do it is to not listen even tho you're in the room. Tune them out. Pick up a magazine to read. Turn to and talk with someone else. Be willing to be impolite. They're impolite when they won't stop after you've asked them to stop which removes you from the obligation to be polite.

If you aren't bluntly telling them to stop talking each and every time they start such a litany, then start doing that now. Stop them every time they start. Then ignore them or walk out of the room. They are abusing you with words. You wouldn't allow someone to slap you. Don't allow them to slap you with words.

It may be easier to show them that you aren't listening by leaving the room. Suddenly need to get a drink of water or go to the bathroom. This, only after you've made it clear that you aren't going to listen. If you have to, put on your coats and leave the house.

Could you visit your nephew when his parents aren't home? I'd especially make it a point to visit with him as often as you can. I'm not familiar with his illness but I would guess he enjoys your company and may feel isolated anyway.

In summary do not let this couple prevent you from having a relationship with the rest of the family, including your nephew.

Stick around for the sake of your nephew. He REALLY needs to see how a "normal" relationship is supposed to work. Try to invite him to join your family on some outings or even to come over on run-of-the-mill days. Of course, you would never bring up the situation to your BIL/SIL but also continue to tell them that you refuse to get involved in any aspect of their personal lives.

I am pretty open minded and if a couple wants to have an open marriage and they are both satisfied with that arrangement that is one thing (although it is not often that both people are really okay with the arrangement). But if they already have issues adding another person is not going to resolve them, it will just make things harder to manage. It is harder and requires more effort and honesty to make an atypical relationship work well. Also, it is never fair to put a child in the middle of an adult relationship problem (this, divorce or any other kind of problem). Of course that is just my opinion.

I can see if you and your husband want not to hear about it. Politely saying you don't want to hear about it and avoiding them is reasonable. Maybe you can invite just your nephew on a outing with you and your family.

Why did your BIL and SIL ask you and your husband for advice and then refuse to listen? That is strange. I guess they didn't like what you two said. Then they shouldn't have asked for advice!

Anyway, as long as they stop talking about their love triangle (side bar - I cannot believe that your SIL is okay with her husband having sex w/ another woman right in front of her!!!), and as long as they never expose your family to their lover, then I think you should have a relationship with them and their family. If they cannot agree to these terms, then cut them out of your life until they get rid of this chick. I just don't understand how any wife would be okay with a love triangle!

I was going to say what April said .... "You can't fix stupid".

If you have gone as far as to bluntly say "I do NOT want to hear about your relationship" there is little else you can do except wash your hands of the whole thing. Walk away. Don't talk with them. Don't associate with them. It is a toxic environment and you and your family do not need to be around it.

I would definitely stay away from them. Too bad about your nephew though, perhaps you can start writing him letters and sending pictures back and forth? That may be something special between you guys that he will love.

What consequences are your BIL and SIL suffering from their behavior? From the sound of it....NONE! So why should they discontinue this unsavory and immoral conduct?
Why has it taken you a year to remove yourselves and your children from the situation?
Or, perhaps the more important question is why would you even consider allowing your children to be anywhere near such behavior or talk?
Your ONLY responsibility would be to be POLITE to them at an unavoidable family gathering....only minimal contact with them, say just to visit your nephew.
If you find yourself in ANY conversation with them and the "relationship" comes up, LEAVE immediately!
You have been "talking" for a year, now is the time for doing!
And, I would make it clear to the rest of the relatives that you do NOT approve and are NOT going to be parties to their disgusting lifestyle by "ignoring" it.(whatever that means)