Big Age Difference - Older and Wiser Mamas, Please Advise!

I'm 14 years younger than my husband - both of us had failed marriages and almost grown kids when we met, and started over and now have an 11 and a 6 year old. Sometimes the age difference is noticable (he was at Woodstock, I'm a child of the 80s) but I'm and "old soul" too so I don't mind it. My mother is 10 years older than my step-dad. In my family, age is just a number!

i think love is love...get where you can. The fact that you're having doubts means that you are serious. There are no 100%'s in life. You may get pregnant and have a baby and be divorced in the same year but you may have many children and be together for a thousand years. Sometimes you gotta just take a chance on happiness.

Hi Tia,

My parents have a 20 year difference. My Dad still raised 2 girls even though he was much older then the other parents. As long as there is love in the marriage, anything can be accomplished!

I have two experiences for you and they are complete opposites of each other!
My sister was dating a man who was 17 years older than she. She was 35 and he was 52. She had boundless energy and he had NONE. He spent as much time as he could on the golf course and then could hardly keep his eyes open for the rest of the day.

My friend married a man 24 years older than she when she was 19 years old. They are so well matched, it's amazing! We hardly ever think about their age difference.

So, it's not so much age (except in situations involving a minor, which is not the case for you), but compatibility. You are doing a great job by being honest with each other. I wish you the BEST in your decision! :)

There's no certainty.

You may be planning on him being 70 while you're 50... but you may hurt your back, or have a heart attack, or blow out your knee and be the INactive one in your 30's, or 40's, or 50's.... while he nurses you. You can't plan on health problems (unless they're preexisting) they just HAPPEN.

My grandparents were 20 years split difference. 2nd marriage for both of them. They were married over 50 years. My grandfather was older, but my grandmother "went" first (Alzheimer's). 20's and 40's when they married, she died in her 70's and he died in his 90's. She kept him young, he kept her happy.

My son is 8 and my husband just turned 50. (Not a big age difference between us, but offering perspective on being a mature" parent...)
My husband coaches my son's baseball team and they spend LOTS of time "chasing footballs and baseballs around"!
Is he "slowing down" or "settling down"? There's a big difference between the two, after all.
IF you either (or both) have children from other marriages, I would be more concerned about that particular "fit" as step parents, than the number of years between you or what age you (or he) will be when (and if) you have a baby!
Personally, I can tell you that my husband and I (39 and 42 when our son was born) enjoy our son a great deal, and we are over the "scratching out a life" stage of our lives. We also can offer a great deal of life perspective when deciding what IS a big deal and what is NOT. We wouldn't change a thing.

My grandparents had a 16 year age difference, Grandpop was 42 when he met Grandmom. They had 4 daughters (the last one when he was pushing 50 I guess), and sadly she died first of breast cancer when I was about 8 and Grandpop lived until he was 92. Although I remember him falling asleep a lot during gatherings, he was a beloved part of even his grandchildren's lives.

Although this is not about the age difference -- my dad just turned 70 and bikes harder and works out more than my own husband. Age is just a number.

I will say this - as he has gotten older, some of our differences have been harder. I'm in my 30s and he's looking at 50 and I find myself sort of stuck between my age group and his. I would love another child, for example, but he's "done". It can be distressing. We have been together for 10 years and had DD when he was 46 and she's wonderful. Be on the same page with kids - how many and when. When our DD is in middle school, DH will take an early retirement and be home with her. She will have a special experience that the big kids did not have that we hope will benefit her future.

I also agree that you never know about YOU. You could have an injury or illness. My healthy uncle died at 40 in an accident. Another friend developed an autoimmune disease in her 30s. Sometimes you just have to take life head on and make the right choices with the information presented.

My grandparents were 17 years apart, had 3 kids and celebrated 50 years together. One of my fears is that I'll be caring for DH with Alzheimer's but that's a risk you take. Terry Pratchett is experiencing early onset so who is to know what *might* happen?

It sounds like the two of you have a wonderful relationship. Why look for trouble in a future you can't predict? No couple can predict energy level, future health, future career issues, etc. What do you mean by he is "starting to slow down"? Does he have health issues or is this a choice he is making? It sounds like the two of you should continue discussing your future and what the two of you want together. But, age is not that important, shared values, goals, and commitment are important to the success of a marriage.

Again, you can't predict the future. I know couples who are close in age and unexpectedly one is lost at a young age. I know couples with 20 year age differences who grow old together. We never know. I think you have a lot to build on in the relationship you describe.

Our daughter was born when her dad was 48 (I was 41). He is an actively involved father, he's just not very physically active, and has some health issues, mostly brought on by his lifestyle choices. I'm as physically active at 50 as I've ever been and walk/run/bike/swim/train in karate with our daughter. We each bring different things to parenting our daughter.

I'm 7 years older than my husband. I would say if I were you, the ONLY concern regarding him being so much older is the fact that you want to have kids together. Assuming you have kids right away, he will be almost 70 when your child is 20. That is when your child is just starting their life and you can always *assume* your husband will be healthy and around for a long time but that is not a given. Ultimately, you both have been married before and if you learned from those relationships on how to make this one last, then I say go for it. =)

To be honest, YES, I personally would be concerned. I know many think women are naturally more mature than men, but honestly, when in yours 20s, at least when I was, I thought very differently... I was more willing at that specific time to ignore and forgive age differences, I myself "was" attracted to an older guy, granted we NEVER dated and thank goodness we didn't because now I am 47 and he'd be well in his 60s......... that to me is too much of a difference. as a woman, I changed so much from my 20s to my 30s and now into my 40s... you have so much more to experience and even If he is "active" well, I just don't think that is enough... I wouldn't get married.... maybe date for a couple of years, see how that goes.. but marriage, I would wait on that...

this is just my personal opinion..

good luck in whatever you decide..

Well I am 39 and my husband is 52. We've been married for 11 years. He has two full grown kids from his first marriage and I have one full grown dtr from mine. Together we have an 8 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. It's been up and down like any marriage. The age thing has never really bothered us up until now. My husband's health isn't what it used to be so he's concerned about being able to keep up with the kids in the future. I see me doing the majority of it. We planned on having one together but the good Lord gave us our son too. Somehow or another we make it work. It's doable. Don't let the age thing bother you. If everything else works then go for it.

I dated a guy when I was 22 and he was significantly older - I can't remember how much now (LOL), but it was at least 10-15 years older. It didn't work out because I continued to mature and he was immature for his age and wasn't moving forward. He actually made a comment complaining that the women he dated would "leave him behind" - I wish I'd paid attention to that when he said it instead of sticking around. Mutual maturity and respect is a big piece - if it's more a case of YOU being mature for your age as opposed to HIM being immature, I think that's ok. You do have to think about the kid thing a bit, but really, accidents happen to couples that are close in age and one ends up being a single parent (my friend's husband died when their son was 3 - they were close in age. Just do insurance planning so you are financially taken care of (you should both get the max amount you can to replace the income of the missing parent). It's really your call, but if the love is real, and you're both honest with yourselves about the challenges, then go for it.

I'm replying as someone who's husband is almost 15 years older than I am. We got married when I was 37 and he was 52 and we now have a five year old. We have a wonderful life and I am glad that I put aside the questions about age and followed my heart. However, that's not to say that there haven't been difficulties. There hasn't been that much of a difference as far as energy and activity levels. But there's definitely a difference in how old we look (he greyed early, and I always looked young for my age). Also, with our daughter, while I am considered an "old" parent, my husband is often mistaken for her grandfather. We also seem to have difficulty finding friends that we can relate to. If we find friends closer to my husband's age, most of them have kids in high school and beyond and are more ready to do things as "adults" rather than as families. If we find friends closer to my age or with kids my daughter's age, my husband often has a hard time finding things in common with them. So that has made it hard for us to build a community around us. As I said before, our family life is wonderful and we have created a great life for us. But I miss having the community of folks that we can share things with. Hope that's helpful.

I am the opposite of you. I met my husband when he was 24 and I was 36 and we got married a year later. We have now been together for 20 years and married 19-1/2 years and things are better than ever.

I have thought the same thing as you on how HE will feel as we get older. He calls me immature and I call him old :)))) I am a young acting/looking 50's something (I sing in a classic rock band) and he is an older acting (not that old though) 40's something and I think you eventually you just catch up no matter the age difference. Don't read too much into it, If you love each other and get along then trust your feelings and dive in.

I did with no regrets and I know my hubby has none. We love each other more and more every day.

I think if you are both OK with your choices then go ahead with your plans. I am 41 my hubby is 47 and our daughter is 5. Men can have children no matter their age (Charlie Chaplin was 75, Tony Randall was 77). I also look at it that good or bad things can happen no matter what we plan or what age we are.

My husband and I have a really good friends couple. He is my age 49, she is 35. He has children who are 26 and 24 from his first marriage. she has never had children. they decided not to have any children. however it was eating her up she wanted a child. He said ok to one child. You know what they say about your plans right. while your making them gods laughing. So this couple now have 2 year old twins. a boy and a girl. it was in gods plan lol. They are both happy. I can't imagine having 2 year olds around all the time but he says they are a blessing and he loves them as much as the older kids. he is not as physically able to do the stuff he was at 20. no chasing baseballs and footballs. but I don't think that would be a reason to have or not have a child.

I was 28 and my hubby was almost 42. I had 2 children. We had another one right before he turned 44. Our son is now 4 and he is fine with him. My friends father was 50 when he was born. He was an active part of his life until he passed away in his late 70's. My cousins hubby is almost 30 years older than her and they have a child. Age is just a number in my opinion. :)

I'm not sure I would be comfortable with such a large age difference for me but if it is working for you both I wouldn't say it is a mistake either. I do have one friend who married a man 11 years older and they are together about 15 years so far. They have 2 kids but he was still in his 30's when they were born. One of my big concerns would be outliving him by a lot, especially if you still had not yet grown kids (you could work about that financially perhaps but not emotionally). I had one friend from high school and his father was mid 60's when most of the other parents were late 40's and early 50's. Unfortunately he died during a fairly routine surgery in his 60's. My friend had to take a year off from college to work since they were not prepared financially for this at all.

If you are on the fence perhaps a few sessions of marriage counseling would help you made a decision.

Its hard to know the future and his ability to keep up with a child for the next 18 years, and to keep up with you too. You could be the same age and have something happen and make one of you less able to be active. I have a friend who is in her late 50s. She is very physically active and likes to go out, and party and do crazy wild sports and .. well, shes wild! She married a guy 12 years younger and he has bad knees from HS football. and as hard as he tries to keep up with her, he just cant. Its somewhat of a disappointment to her that he is so much younger but acts so old. So, you never know about age and ability.
Then there is my husband and myself. He is 8 years older than me. We are both pretty mellow, happy to stay home, not terribly active people. He golfs, I bowl. He works, I sew and do crafty stuff. He is nearing retirement age and the problem we see in our future is the health insurance. Once he retires and starts drawing SSI, I may not be covered for a few years until I reach 62 or whatever the age is when I could use medicare. We may find ourselves in a mess if I need any coverage to take up that gap of a few years. It worries me and has made him rethink retiring. I hate to think he will have to keep working until he is 70 just so I have insurance. If you marry this guy, you have a lot of years to worry about. Having kids and being active might not be the biggest thing you will worry about.

There was a 25 years age difference between my Mom and my step dad. When they first met, I was 13, I had no idea there was such a large age difference. They had a really good life together for over 20 years. I would guess that around the time he turned 65 was about the time it became difficult. My Mom still wanted to go do things and he wanted to stay home. The he became sick was in the hospital lot. I think he had a lot of resentment because he couldn't do the things he wanted to and would say mean things to her. She stuck it out until he died but it was hard. I think she would do it again though. They a had good life for the most part.

My sister's husband is 15 years older than her and she does think about her financial security as she's a SAHM etc and likely will be a young widow. And he's a workaholic so she does most of the parenting but the latter's not an age thing. Otherwise, I think she'd definitely do it all all over again. Sure, it's not optimal but her husband is super active. My husband is about 20 years younger but lazier than my BIL! My parents aren't so far apart in age but both have been very active for their ages their whole lives. So if your boyfriend is like that, the age different probably isn't such a big deal.

Well my cousin married a 14yr difference so not the exact amount as yours could be but pretty big. She is now 37 and he is 51 and they have two teens one almost graduated and things are just fine. yes he is not as peppy as she is but they still do a lot together.

Now as far as this she did get married earlier in age to him so it is nice that at his age 51 that the kids are soon to be out of the house...your man would be in his 60's and that is getting there in age. :(

And remember as my cousin always worries about...you will more then likely be widowed for well over 20years with this age difference...but that doesn't mean you can't be happy still.

But in the end...if you love him...you love him! Best wishes to you and your decision.

I can pretty much tell you that if you are interested in having children then you must know that your personal lifestyle will change once you start having children.

You are nearly 30 years old and you will most likely start wanting to do more family style activities if you have children involved whether you are married or not.

I think many marriages can be successful if the people involved take time to do things they like together with their family or even by themselves of no one else wants to do them too, like golf...I don't find it enjoyable but if my hubby liked it I would sure rather he go enjoy a round instead of sitting home with me watching TV or something.

Well, I'm sitting here at the ripe old age of 48 thinking that 45 really isn't that old! I have good friends who are still having kids and they're close in age to me. They honestly don't think about being almost 70 when their kids are 20. Your boyfriend could have a kid and live to be 100 and enjoy kids and grandkids for many years. You could find somebody younger (that would be sad though since you have such a great relationship) and get married and have kids and that person could die young. Nobody knows how much time they get. Enjoy your life as you live it and don't worry about when you won't be here. And again..... 45 isn't that old!!

You cannot predict, how it will be or not.

My friend, had her 2nd baby, at 46 years old. Her Husband is the same age.
They are fine, the pregnancy was fine, the child is fine, they are fine.

Now, there are MANY older parents nowadays. In their 40's. This is common.
But, 'sometimes' people may think you are the "Grandparent" instead of the parent. But again, nowadays there are MANY older parents.

But for your partner, he is getting older. Hence, you need to think about if you can get pregnant. And if you want to be, then don't wait around. Because, his clock is ticking.

ANYONE can have aches and pains and being tired. That is what parenthood is.
You cannot have, 100% certainty, about anything.
But if you want a child together, then you gotta just start.
AND whenever a couple has a baby or child, your life WILL need to, adjust. It just is. It is NEVER the same as it was, before you had a child.
Life changes.
THAT is the bottom-line.
Once you have a baby, you cannot just live as you did, when you were single. Being a parent, demands change. FOR your child.

I don't know what you mean by your fear is bringing 'another' child into this world only to raise them as part-time single parents. Seems like you are already anticipating an end to the relationship??
You need to know, the status of your relationship and its cohesiveness.
And you seem ambivalent about the age difference. Because of the age.

You need to be sure of this, of having a baby or not.
AND with him, or not.
But again, you cannot predict... anything.
But you need to be certain, in your heart and mind.
You don't seem so sure.

I have 2 children who are 8 and 5. I am in my 40's. My Husband is younger than I am. HE NEVER EVER, had problems with me or that fact, ever. Per having children or marrying me or not.
I am not "old" nor slower nor handicapped nor physically unable.
MANY of my friends, are my age too. WITH young children. They are fine.

Even a 20 year old can have back pains and not bouncing back.
You seem ambivalent, about 'caring' for your aging Partner... as he gets older, and how you will handle that. And his viability....
But the both of you are not even married yet. Only talking about it.
You either know if you want to get married, or you don't know.
That is also, the bottom-line.

If you both are compatible and care about each other as you say, then you have something special. 45 isnt really THAT old is it? There's no reason he has to slow down at all - my hub is 47 and is in top shape physically better than many active 25 yr olds we know. You may just keep him young, you never know!!

If you have concerns, I would wait until you are both at peace with the decision to marry. One of the biggest problems a couple can have is if family is giving you problems as a couple and you don't have this trouble. Yay! So, I'd say you should marry if you want. Congrats on finding a good match.

My husband is 24 years older and in fact his oldest daughter and I are close to the same age. He came with 4 children when we met the youngest being 12 and I will a baby, He will be 64 when she graduates from High School. Actually he and his children agree that he is a "better" dad to the baby then he has been/was with his own because since he is older he does put her in front of other things as "man time", working crazy amount of hours and so on. In his 30's he was building a business working all the time, even now he is still self-employed but if she calls or needs something the work waits, he is at all events, takes her to meeting, practice, the works. His children always tell me dad was never there like that for us and they have been upset by this so he has even had to make it up to them by taking them out one on one and doing things for them that's special. He tells me all the time to slow day and just enjoy my baby, I get caught up with my store(self employed also) and everything else. So he has bought a great balance in my life for my baby. The con is (some) of my grandchildren are older than my baby, so we confuse everyone and it's hard when people assume that I'm his daughter and the baby is his grand-daughter. Lucky for us my side of the family dies "young" my grandparents all died by late 60's and my husbands family never die (his dad is 87, and his has all of his uncles alive who are 90, 94, 96, 97) so we think/joke we will go around the same time. It has worked for us, we never did have children's together, he wanted to but with my health problems with the baby I didn't want to go thought another pg, which is one of the reasons I even dated him to begin with, thinking he was done and I didn't want more. I think he would have had a baby in a heart beat if I wanted one more, sometimes I wish I had but overall our lifes are pretty great!

My husband is 16 years older than I am, and we've been married 17 years. We had our first (and only) child when he was 49. When he was 52, I went back to work and he became the stay-home parent. And we have a VERY active little girl! Very. Active. We make sure that he has time to hit the gym at least once a week to stay in shape, but he keeps up with our daughter a heck of a lot better than I do---and I am active and on my feet all day at work! We also have a better and more active sex life now that we did when he was in his 30s and were just married! If your physiological difference is the only thing holding you back, than I don't see a problem. Like many other mamas pointed out, you could suffer an injury and become less active than he is. You just never know. Anyway, good luck!

My 72 year old grandfather has more energy than me, and I just turned 30. So energy, back pain bouncing back form injuries wise.. it wouldn't bother me.

I don't think your age difference is anything to gasp at. My sister told me about a friend who was 65 (and passed away) with a wife who was in her late 20s. I was a bit judgemental. Then, later she found out his age was 56 and the wife was in her late 30s, but she looked young. I didn't think that was quite so bad. I feel like it's pretty common for women to be with older men. My husband is 7 years older. We went through a time when I wanted to get dressed up and go out to bars and he was over going out. Then, a few years later I was over it too and we are more on the same page. Good luck to you! Someone mentioned how men have more time with the biological clock. It's so true! A co-worker of mine's father got someone pregnant when he was 72.

There are 14 years between my mom and step-dad. Things were great until he turned 80 and had an anyerism (sp?). He was in the hospital for a month. Before at 80 he was vibrant and you would have never suspected his age--that one event aged him, and he suddenly was an old man and my mom was in her 60s. The age difference has caused my mom to become an old lady before her time. She is the same age as my in-laws, but see seems closer to my stepdad's age of 92. She rarely goes out, because of all of his restrictions. The sad part of it is that my SD's mental capacity is amazing. He uses the computer and is even on Facebook, but my mom sits and watches tv most of the day for fear of leaving him in case he falls, etc. He now uses a walker and often times is depressed because he feels useless. BTW the doctors said the only reason my SD survived was because he was a non-smoker, non-drinker and in exceptional health.

I'm not saying don't go for it, I'm just suggesting you look down the road into the distant future and consider the outcome.

My husband is 60 and I am 51; we were 36 and 27 when we got married. We have three kids, born when we were 39/30, 44/35, and 49/39. Things have gone fairly well. The main issue has been his decision to semi-retire, when I see myself with many working years ahead.

You seem to be on the same wavelength for the other important things in life. There's no reason, if your partner is active now and plans to stay active (and thus, live longer and healthier) that you shouldn't have children. He may very well be the oldest dad when your child gets to school, but if you're both okay with that, then go for it. As long as there are no physical/medical issues, I wouldn't worry. However, anything can happen at any time, and the reality is that he's older than you. You should prepare financially for a future that may not include him or even you, because life is like that and you never know what can happen. Best wishes to you both!

My dad is now 54 and his wife is 10 years younger. They have 7 yr old twins together. Surprisingly my dad is very active and more involved in their care than my stepmom. She has little patience. The only thing i have noticed about them is they want to travel alot and its hard with young kids in school. The kids tend to miss a lot of school because of it.

If it is right, the age difference should not make a difference. There are
people out there that have bigger age gaps that have done very well. If it
is right, it is right. Enjoy.