Beyond Stressed Out, My Son Wont Eat.

She is needing some special time with you, also. I know it is hard (my first 3 were born within 4 years... August '82, April '84, August '86).... I had to deal with some of that, also. I don't remember all that I did, though.

When the baby is asleep, make a point to do something with her.... you may be trying this already. The cleaning can wait... don't feel like you have to get everything done when the baby is asleep....

One thing, rather than punishing the misbehavior, start really noticing when she is playing nicely, or behaving nicely, and praise her bunches for that... she will prefer the GOOD attention, and not be seeking ANY kind of attention, even negative attention.

One thing that some people have done is make the nursing time also a special time to sit with the toddler and read a book, or the two of you sit and watch a special show together...... this is giving her time, also.

Does she have a baby doll SHE can feed while you are feeding her brother? My daughters did that, also.... but they didn't want to use a bottle... they pretended to nurse the baby, also. Teach her how to take care of her baby while you are taking care of your baby.

Good luck! I know it is tough!

I would put her in a two-three day mother's day out program. They are usually only a few hours a day and I noticed a big difference in my home and my child when we were able to do that.

As for when she is acting up, prior to nursing, give her an activity to keep her occupied for that duration of time. Even if it's eating cheese and crackers while coloring at the table, or playing dress up and watching a disney cartoon. Put her in her room for quiet play time. Whatever you can to keep relaxed and focused for both of you.

Using the word no isn't helping. She is vying for your attention while you are nursing and she's winning, so do not feed it by stopping nursing and going to her. Sometimes you have to ignore the behavior and redirect it, by giving her a task. Instead of, "No,. stop doing that!" use, "can you bring me a pillow", or "will you please show me that baby book?" She can then sit and read or play with a magnadoodle next to you while nursing.

Catch her in her moments of good behavior and shift the focus on what she's doing wrong, to what she's doing that is good. She'll learn that is the better way to get attention and will likely be more behaved.

Dr. Sears has some wonderful advice for both discipline and behavior shifting for her, and learning to keep your cool as a parent:

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior

Hi S.,

so sorry that you are going through this stressful time. I think a mother's day out program or some time of limited day care would be a GREAT idea for her.

The other advise I would give is that unless she is being destructive to your home or in danger of hurting herself DO NOT stop nursing your son to give attention to your daughter. That is what she wants and negative attention is better than no attention for a child. Her dad is gone, her mom is busy with the new baby and she is 3 and not able at all in any way to communicate what she actually needs (which is both her parents at her beck and call 24 hours a day with no interruptions to do whatever it is she wants to do at exactly that moment!!!!!!!!) She's 3..... this is what they do.

This may not be 'normal' for her, but her situation isn't normal and if you think YOU are stressed - imagine what this is like for her!!!!!!

So, yes I think a MDO or pre-school is a great idea. Or, there must some older kids - like between 9-13 who would come over for a couple hours each day and play with her as a 'mother's helper'. You typically pay them MUCH less than a babysitter but they can keep her entertained and focus just on her while you focus on you and the baby.

Good Luck!

I am basically in the same situation, but my oldest is 2. She acts out a lot when daddy is gone. First of all, I nurse in a room where there is not much for her to do that is "off limits" and she can't leave the room. Second, I don't scold/correct her while nursing unless she is doing something dangerous (why scold if you can't/woon't immediately inforce?). But most importantly, baby's morning nap is "big girl time" No chores, but we do special things that baby is too little to do. We have made sugar cookies and cut out shapes and then decorated the next day and delivered to neighbors, we do tricycle time outside (take the monitor with), basically, what ever she is into or would feel special for her. Then I emphasize turns - It is baby's turn for Mama's attention while nursing, but when you help put baby to sleep by using a little voice and not distracting mama, then it will be your turn and we can do big girl things that we can't do with baby"

This has made a HUGE improvement for my daughter. They need to feel that you have not forgotten them and it is motivating that the better they behave, the more quickly we get to do fun things during our special time.

Good luck. Deployment is no fun!!

You are not the only one to have issues. Everyone I know has a story about something their older child did or tried to do while they were nursing. Kids are smart and they know you can't get to them. I always included my son in nursing. I would have him bring us the boppy pillow. I would have my daughter across it and he would sit at my feet or the end of the recliner and rest his head on a corner of it. We read stories together, watched tv, he'd play with his leapster or we'd just talk. It's harder to get in trouble when you are sitting right next to mama. It also helped him feel included. I would burp the baby and then if she wasn't sleeping, I'd let him hold her. He still got into some mischief occasionally, but not as much as he would have otherwise.

My 2 are also 3 years apart and I put my older one in preschool when the baby was about 4 months old. Before that I had family helping me because my c-section got infected and I was in the hospital for that. Preschool, a babysitter or mother's helper is a good idea. Preschool was a good thing for my older one (and he was driving me crazy) but it took a while for him to adjust and he acted up at school too.

Giving your older one some special attention when the baby is sleeping is a good idea. So is starting her on an activity before you start nursing. I'd also agree to ignore her acting up while you are nursing unless it is dangerous. I don't know the best answer--I was feeling totally stressed when I was in the same place. But it does get better as the baby gets older and the older one adjusts. I noticed significant improvements at 6mo., 12 mo., and at 2 years.

Your daughter might act out regardless of her brother. My DD is very "opinionated" and she is almost 3. Don't rob him of his time (which he needs more). I would look for support groups for spouses left behind when their partner deploys. That might help you get your daughter out of the house or in an activity and get the emotional support you need to take care of them both. Remember, too, that nursing releases nature "feel good" hormones so the more you nurse him, the better you may ultimately feel.

Take a breath. Take care of yourself so you can take care of him. Input = output so if he has good diapers, he's good. Drink lots of fluids. Learn do do things like turn nursing time into story time for DD. It wouldn't hurt to find a preschool for her, but make sure she thinks it's for HER to have FUN and not being kicked out of the house.

Hang in there.

You need to teach her to busy herself with activities. I would lay newspaper on the floor, put the child table over it set a chair for her. I'd cover the table with paper for finger painting and put it out for her.
I was desperate for time to meditate. If I did that she would be busy for about 20 minutes and that became my private time. My other daughter knew how to busy herself and so I did not have to come up with creative ideas.
My daughter hooked her three year old up to his favorite show for half an hour in the morning to get a bit of time that wasn't filled with him and his never ending need for attention. Reruns one every evening and totally she got an hour a day.
You can't do anything about your husband being away from home. Worrying about his every move won't help either. Burn a vanilla candle for him. Light it and place it up high where your very curious daughter can't reach it. The scent will take away your anxiety and hers. The light is for God as He is fire and it's as if you are holding your husband in the Light every moment.

Bless you for being a military wife! I was left alone when my sons were 2 and 4 and my daugher was an infant. It is very stressful, but you will get through it.
I suggest putting baby in his crib for one hour while you give 3 yo some focused attention. Play with her, bake something, do a puzzle with her, etc. Whatever helps you connect together in relationship - be sure to connect, that's the key. After young children have this time with Mommy, they somehow are able to play alone for a while. When you're done, give her something she enjoys by herself - blocks, coloring, play with tupperwares and water, etc. While she does that, you should be able to nurse the baby in peace.
It also helps to establish some kind of routine. She can help you make breakfast, then you get the baby up, then into the stroller and everyone goes on the usual morning walk. Then storytime, then let's pick up our toys, etc. etc. You get the idea. Of course there will be interruptions, but when kids know there's an expected, everyday routine they can calm down considerably.
I hope that helps! God bless you.
L.
http://susannasapron.blogspot.com/

She's desperately seeking your attention. Lots of insecurity with the new baby, daddy's gone and she probably feels mommy is pretty much gone too because of the new baby. She's feeling negative attention is better because she knows she will get that. Try to give her more positive attention and her negative antics should subside. Can you have her help you with the baby? Bring you diapers, help pick out clothes, etc.? Dedicate baby's nap time to being with her? She may love to help you sort & fold laundry, give her a duster and have her help you dust, a kid broom to use to help you sweep, etc. will give her some together time with you and still give you an opportunity to get some work done around the house that you need to do. Using a baby sling may help out to so your baby can snuggle with you while you have both hands free to do some things with her.

I agree with Rachel. Get your 3 year old started with some sort of activity right before you nurse. My daughter was almost 3.5 when my son was born back in October. It was an adjustment for all of us! What I will say is, my daughter learned to cope, and my son is STILL nursing now at almost 9 months old. It can be done. It was difficult a few months ago for sure, but I learned what worked and now its a lot easier. Sounds like your 3 year old is looking for attention, and also..she knows you are less likely to get up from a nursing session unless she REALLY gets under your skin. Maybe a sticker chart or something of that nature will work...everytime she listens or is good she can have a sticker...after so many she can get a small prize. After a while she will be over it.

It sounds like you have already gotten some great advice.
I do not have any additional advice to add, but I wanted to say thank you. It is stories like yours that go too often unrecognized. It is not only the men and women who are deployed that make sacrifices. It is also the family's of the men/women who are deployed. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to adjust to taking care of your two kids by yourself. I just wanted to comment to say I appreciate you and your sacrifice for our freedoms.
Change is not easy, no matter what it is you are adjusting to, but it will get easier.
R.

I had a tough time with my daughter in this regard, too, when my son was born. Something that really worked for me was to invite her to read with me while i nursed the baby. I found that i could read and nurse at the same time, that i was able to relax and feel in control of the situation (and enjoy reading), and my daughter was well behaved because she appreciated that she, too, was getting attention.
For a long time i also staggered their nap/quiet time schedules so they each got one-on-one time. It was less time for me, but, ultimately more peaceful than if i'd managed to carve out a tiny bit of just me time anyway.

My daughter was 3 when I had my 2nd child.
ALL along my pregnancy and when he came home, I always explained to my daughter about what a baby is and that I nurse him. Just like I did for her.
I also told her that my Doctor said, I have to recover too.
I explained a baby wakes/cries/feeds and cannot do anything, like she can.

It took a TON of prepping my eldest, for her baby brother once he was home.
And I still, spent a lot of time, explaining things to her in a way she could understand.
She thus adapted well to her baby brother.

It also takes a lot of time being with the eldest. Talking, chatting and just quality time.

My daughter ALSO started Preschool when I had my 2nd child. Not to get her out of the house and banished, but to give her her needed time, for HERSELF and to socialize with other kids and learn new things. She was the age, that 'needed' that. More socialization and not just being all 'bored' at home with baby and me. I was also recovering from a c-section.
Sure, I had a Husband home, but he was only home after work. And I STILL did everything. With both kids.
My daughter LOVED Preschool. It was SPECIAL to her. It was her own, thing. At that age, she needed that. She even told us SHE wanted to go to school.

My kids also had a regular nap time. And I synchronized my 2nd child's naps with my eldest child. So they napped at the same, time, for the afternoon naps.

Yes its not easy.
But in a sense, the eldest child needs more.... bonding with the Mom.
They are stressed and adapting to a different life now.

My son was 2.5 when I gave birth to twin boys and even though I had help and he had lots of attention, he was still a little so and so! And I can tell you that it got worse and peaked around 3.5. I was soooo happy when he turned four! But back to your issue... I think daycare would be a great idea. I upped my son's daycare to three days a week in my last trimester of being pregnant with the twins. I thought I would go back to two days a week, but it was working so well at three days I left well enough alone. I was lucky to have my mom stay for the first three months of the twins lives. After that, I weaned them down to night feedings alone. I breastfed them a few times at night and bottle fed them formula during the day. This is what worked best for us as my son was the same - he would start tearing the place apart while I was nursing the twins and I couldn't move because I tandem nursed. Argh. In any case, there are other things you can do rather than give up breastfeeding during the day. Some people put together a box of toys that they only bring out during nursing times. For some kids that works, but not for us, unfortunately. Or there are plenty of carriers that you can buy that will allow you to carry your son around while he's nursing. You don't get that nice bonding moment with him, but you're probably not getting that anyway at the moment! :-) Try a moby wrap - I was also able to nurse my first son while shopping with a playtex hip carrier.
Anyway, here's hoping things get better, but do get yourself a babysitter so you can have some me-time or you'll go nuts! The best advice I ever heard after having children was not to give them more than 75 per cent of your time or you'd end up resenting them. Good luck and hang in there!

Actually - I'd have her buckled in a car seat during the times I nursed... and after a few days of that I'm sure that would stop her attention seeking behavior.

I do agree that having her in day care 2-3 days out of the week would be very beneficial for everyone. Don't forget - #1 had over 3 years of just you and her... your baby is getting ZERO time with just you. If she's in daycare a few times a week - that would be good for you all.

are there any programs there for military families that might be able to help you? its ok to reach out for help. im sure there are people that would be happy to help. they may have day camps set up or mothers day out programs so she can go have some fun for a little while.

Find a Mother's Day Out program and enroll both of them at least one day a week. They often have one church that has M-W-F from 10am to 3p and the other one of the same denomination will be Tues-Thurs from 9-noon. I suggest the full day one so you can get some rest and get some stuff done. Enroll them at least one day a week.