How to Minimize Stress of 2 Child (New Baby) on 1St Child (Toddler)

I got my daughter her own baby to care for, she was almost 2 when my son was born. Also, I included her in taking care of her baby brother. Just little stuff like fetching a diaper for me, etc., but it helped her to feel included.

I tried to not have the baby be the reason for no. Want me to read while I am feeding baby? Come climb up next to us, and I can read will I nurse. Want to be picked up while I am holding baby? I will come down to the ground and cuddle you both. Are you feeling jealous? I'm sorry you are feeling jealous right now, but baby is so tiny and can't do all the things that big brother can do. When she goes down for a nap, we can spend some time playing outside/coloring/etc.

I really stressed big brother, helping, he even picks out her clothes sometimes. And really take advantage of the time that he is up and the baby isn't. Also, transitions are key. If we are reading a book, I give a warning that baby may be waking up soon, and I will have to get her up and feed her, so that I don't just drop whatever we are doing and run to her.

We knew the baby was a girl and gave her a name before she was born. Then we talked about her, and made her part of our day. "This is where Rachel will sit", "When you outgrow this pretty dress, we will save it for Rachel", etc. Also, when I had her in the hospital we wrapped a gift from Rachel to big sister, so she had a pleasant association with the baby. The other posters have the right ideas with making sure that you do not drop everything and run to baby, but make time for the first child. I had a big panic attack a week before my 2nd was born, wondering how I was ever going to give this wonderful first child the attention she deserved, and why did we decide to try for a second, etc. It all worked out, they are 10 and 13 now, get along great, and I can see only positive effects from having learned to share and double the love. Remember, those hormones will be raging before and after the birth, so your feelings may be a little dramatic. IF they get beyond sad to depressed, CALL your doctor. I had Post Partum Depression with my first and did not know it until afterward. I just walked around the house with tears streaming down my face, and in hindsight, should have told my husband way sooner. Nothing bad happened to me or baby, but I could have felt "myself" again much sooner. Trust your instincts, the fact that you are asking shows how sensitive you are to your child. Enjoy them both.

Make a fun "to do" box or bag for while you are nursing. Let your two year old hold (with your help) your newborn as much and as soon as you are comfortable with it. My 19 month old enjoys helping me wipe the baby's mouth with a burp rag. Try to not to use "no" as much. Use things like try again, or be gentle, or be soft. Praise your toddler often for being soft, gentle, obedient, etc. Also making sure the house is as toddler proof as possible will help minimize the "no"s. Don't stress too much about housework. When the baby is napping use that as special time alone with your toddler.
Good luck.

Children are very adaptable and your 2 year old should be able to adapt just fine. I found 2 things that help tremendously with my 2 year old and new born. It's important when you need to attend to the baby, that takes away from the 2 yr old's attention, never say "I have to go take care of the baby" or "I have to nurse the baby" , etc. Just say you're busy or you will be able to help or play in a few minutes, etc. That way your 2 year doesn't start to resent the baby. Another important aspect I found is to allow your 2 yr old to help out...of course as much as a 2 yr old can help. But even if it's not really 'helping' it's important to include the 2 year old in the baby's activities and life. My 2 year LOVES to help me change our baby's daiper, talk and keep her company, get her pacifier for me, etc etc.

Make sure the 2 year old has something to do while mommy nurses-read a book to her, having coloring book & crayons right there, toys, snack, etc.

I think the biggest thing is not to make a huge deal of it. Kids are reactive if parents are reactive in a lot of situations.

There were two things that really helped me as we transitioned from one child to two. Here they are:

1. Organization. I would prepare a snack/activity/puzzle/favorite DVD for my oldest before I sat down to nurse my youngest. That way, he knew that I still love him and was able to help him out. If there was anything pressing, then he would have to wait. Usually it worked out fine. (I would also sit down with water, a snack, tissues, the remote, and a few children's books near me in case of any "emergencies".)
2. A big brother gift. When he first came to the hospital to meet his little brother, the first thing that happened was that he was given a gift from his little brother. It was a book called "Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do You Hear?" My oldest was really into learning animals, colors, and animal noises, so it was perfect. It was also big enough that I could "read" it to him even if he was sitting a little bit away from me.

Good luck!

Here are my best pieces of advice--1: the baby gives a gift to big brother/sister in the hospital & vice versa. Big kid can have lots of fun picking out a gift. 2: Whenever possible, tell the baby to wait because you're helping big bro/sis. Even if the baby is asleep in the bassinet, say "oh, baby. You have to wait because your sister would like some snack. You can go next, but xxx is first." Child #1 will hear wait A LOT and it's nice for them to know they aren't they only one. 3: Read love and logic magic for early childhood. It is really hard when you're nursing and taking care of baby to have any control over child #1. The book helps you to offer choices and make consequences. 3 weeks after my 2nd was born, I thought I was going to lose my mind because my older daughter would shut the door I was in or go upstairs, etc. The love & logic book made things instantly better. Lastly, make sure you're doing something each day alone with your 1st child--like bath or story while dad holds baby--though you might want to have your husband putting your 1st to bed each night until (& after) baby is born. Good luck!

I always talked to my son about "his" baby sister. This is where your baby will sleep. Help me set up the swing for "your baby sister".

Before she was born he would call her "my baby (name)"...he felt very possessive of the baby being not just mommy and daddy's baby but "his" baby too.

He would tell visitors not to get to close to his baby when they came to meet her. He couldn't wait to show her off to his pre-school classmates...but quickly told them not to touch her.

My children are 2.5 years apart and he has always just loved her and wanted to help her and teach her. I don't know if it is his personality or his "ownership" of her...but they play together and now she really misses him all day while he is in school. They go nuts when he gets home...and one punishment I use is making play in separate rooms...they hate having to play totally apart.

While nursing we would all cuddle up on the sofa and watch a show or read a book or two together. Her nap times became our time to play together just us two...and when she woke up it was time to play together all three of us.

Good luck...and plan three times longer to get out of the house to go anywhere...that drove me nuts with two kids vs one.

My 1st boy was almost 5 when his brother was born. We spoke about the baby from the first point we found out we were pregnant. He talked to him by name as we had it picked out early. I too, let him come to most of my baby appointments so he could hear the baby's heart beat and what not. I also found a sibling class that they taught at the hospital that I delivered at. It really helped my son understand the basics of where mommy was going to be and how they can help when the baby comes. If you can find one in your local area, I would recommend. I too wanted to make my oldest to feel special. I let him help out when he wanted to just letting him know we really needed to be careful because they baby was fragile. My boys are very close to one another and they get so excited to see one another when they are apart. I think you will be great and just make sure you and your husband take one on one time with boys kids. Good luck.

I think that if you don't show any stress about it, but just be joyful, they will pick up on that. Your toddler will just follow your lead. I think that one mistake we make as parents is to give our children the impression that the world revolves around them. It doesn't now and it won't later. So, bring that back into balance, and things will be fine. Include your toddler in the wonderful expectations that a new baby brings. Enjoy these precious times!

When I had my 2nd child, my daughter was going to turn 4.

WHILE I was pregnant, I spent a TON of time on my daughter, my eldest child... I spent more time on that than on "my" pregnancy. Meaning, I talked with her about it a lot, let her express her feelings about it and ask me questions, we had a tradition of taking TONS of photos of her WITH my tummy, I took her to my prenatal exams (which my Doctor encouraged) and he even taught her how to use the doppler heart monitor on my tummy... we read to my tummy and sang to her little brother in my tummy... she imagined what her baby brother would be like etc. I explained that SHE was always "my first baby" and will always will be.... we made up a special handshake that only we knew... so that when I was busy with baby brother she & I could 'bond' that way... we made up a special 'wink' and nod...that she could do to me if she was across the room and I was nursing her baby brother. We 'acknowledged' each other that way... it was OUR special gestures for each other.
I 'explained' to her in a way she could understand... what baby development was and how her brother would or would not understand everything she can. About how when baby brother came home... he would cry, wake up, that Mommy has to breastfeed him etc. I explained "what" a baby is and does.... so that she was prepared, AHEAD of time, BEFORE her baby brother came home etc.

It is all about "prepping" your eldest, BEFORE The baby comes home.
To ease the adjustments of the eldest child. And making them a PART of the family... not just an older sibling who is suddenly cast aside.... or expected to SUDDENLY act 'older' even though they are still a young child themselves.

I told my eldest, that just because she is the 'oldest' that Mommy will NOT expect her to be "perfect" NOR will I use her as an 'example' for baby. That SHE is herself... always... and if she is not happy or stressed, to ALWAYS tell me. It is OKAY. That I will ALWAYS be there, for her... even if I am a busy Mommy, with 2 kids.

As a result, my kids are very close, My eldest was never jealous of her baby brother... she was still assured and self-assured about her place in the family... and she helped me.... happily.

Making sure things are okay with the eldest AFTER baby is born.... means, PREPPING your eldest, BEFORE baby is born.... and ALSO, keeping your 'expectations' of your Eldest, age-appropriate. Otherwise, both parent and child, will be frustrated.

all the best,
Susan