My soon to be 4 year old daughter is in school for the first time this year (pre-K 3). She is not the oldest or the youngest in her class as it is a nice blend of three and four year old children. Recently, she has become more and more attached to one of the girls in her class. Apparently, she refuses to sit next to anyone else or to let anyone else sit next to the other little girl. The teacher started assigning seats to try and address this, but today my daughter had a complete meltdown when she was told she couldn't sit next to her "best friend".
My daughter has never spent time with this other child outside of the classroom, so it's not like I've encouraged the friendship. If they HAS been having playdates, etc... then my course of action would be to limit these playdates. Since they haven't had any, I'm actually wondering if it would be a good idea to arrange some, my thinking being that their time together in class wouldn't be so important to them if they also had time together outside of class. Any opinions?
The other part of this problem is that my daughter's reaction is actually disrupting class, as she is having an emotional meltdown when the teacher tells her to sit somewhere else. I feel very bad about this because I know it is my fault. My daughter is stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. I've tried to get her to be a better listener, but she almost always wins. She gave up naps before she was 2, she refuses to eat anything but her "favorite" foods... ugh!!! I've tried battling, positive reinforcement, taking things away, ignoring, 1-2-3 Magic!... nothing changes who she IS!
Any great advice on how to handle the friendship and the listening issues? Any ideas on how to toughen me up as her mom and make me stick to my guns? She is super-smart, wonderful, vibrant, friendly, social and independent. These two issues are just chipping away at all that beauty and I need a little help!
Hate to sound mean here but.... Its time for her learn she is the child and it is ADULTS NOT CHILDREN who are in charge. She needs to begin to learn this at home and that means - GET TOUGH MOM. If you don't get a handle on this now, her adolescence will be both dangerous and a nightmare. Get the help of a child psychologist if necessary. Good luck.
S., it's difficult to be tough with your children but I heard that children WANT structure and WANT linees drawn because they feel lost without boundaries. My oldest will be 4 and my second will be 3 nd he was the one with strong willed personality, but he's doing better than ever. I don't let my boys tell me what they will or won't do. The eating situation...what I do is that I say this is your dinner and you're going to eat it if you dojn't, you will get in your pajamas and you will goto bed and that is that. Yes they will be hungry but this is the only way. To stop feeling guilty and worrying that I was starving them...I realized I am not starving them, they are starving themselves and if they are really hungry they will eat it regardless. Now my sons know that but they still test me and see if they can get awy with it and they know that Daddy will back me up because we both agree that they need to eat and they make the choice between eating it or going to bed for the night and only come out to go the bathroom. Both are and have been potty trained for some time now and my second was potty trained two months before 2 1/2 yo and my oldest was potty trained two months after 2 1/2 yo. Time will wait with our third one who is almost 14 months. He's now testing me too and I have to be firm with him and many times when he knows he's not supposed to do something, he'll look at it and shakes his head no and knows that is a no-no. In the long run, it'll be for the best and explain to your daughter that you will have her friend over on Friday evening or Saturday for the day if she listens o the test during the week and make a chart and put a star there under each day for listening to you and listening to the teacher. If she gets a star everyday of the week, her friend can come over. AND/OR explain that if she doesn't listen these are the consequences (extra chores if she ha chores to do) or something that needs to be done and she hates with a passion. Hope to help a little bit.
Hi S.,
These "best friendships" are normal at this age, a kid's best friend may be someone who they don't see socially outside of school. I wouldn't stop her from having play dates with this girl, but I would make sure that she has other play dates too, give her a wide social circle. Perhaps if she gets to see her friend outside of school, that would fill some of her need for this child, and she wouldn't feel the need to spend every moment with her in school
In school, she will need to follow the school rules, and if that means assigned seats, she'll need to get used to the idea, and hopefully can be moved to a quiet area during any meltdowns so that she is not disruptive. And she will get used to the idea. I would also stress to her that she cannot determine that other kids can't sit with this girl - it's a good time to discuss bossiness and what you can / can't control.
Good luck - these are really normal issues
When I was about the same age as your daughter there was a girl in the class who everyone gravitated to. Every girl wanted to be her best friend, sit next to her, and partner up with her in class. Have you asked your daughter what it is about this girl that makes her so special? Your daughter might see something in her that she wishes she can be. Maybe if she feels this way about herself, she wont need to always be with this girl.
I would take the advice of other moms. Immerse her in activities where she can meet more children, try to set up a playdate now and then with this girl, and definitely work with the teacher to set up a disciplinary structure in the classroom and out.
Please put your foot down even if your daughter acts out over your parenting. If you continue to give in to everything she wants, her teenage years might become a nightmare.
Hi S.,
I can understand how hard it must be to be in this situation. And I also know how hard it is to be tough and hold your ground. I would definately say though that as hard as it is you have to do it because right now it is little things and as she grows up it will be bigger things. I know that I hate to be the mean mom and have to be hard and it is much easier to give in to them than it is to put my foot down but it will be worth. It will not happen over night but if you are consistant that it will happen just hang in there and hold your grounds.
I would also say to try the playdates outside of school that may help and you can use it as leverage, if you are not good in school that your freind can not come over. My son has a couple of freinds who are really all good boys however when you get the 3 of them together...one word TROUBLE. And he was getting in trouble at school with them and I told him that if he did not stop he was going to be in trouble at home and school like his teacher was going to take band away (which he loves) and I was going to take his game away. He has not been hanging out with his freinds in school now and he has been doing much better.
best of luck and I hope that this helps some how.
J.
Hi, Have you tried setting up play dates with other children in her class? Perhaps she needs to get more comfortable with some of the other children? In my own experience, some of my best friends have been the people it took a greater effort to get to know. Hang in there and good luck.
I would suggest working with her teacher and you both applying the same method when she is throwing a fit. You said...nothing changes who she IS! So true, you can change you and your choice to give in though. Best wishes.
S.,
Is there any possibility they can stay at the same table together, just across from each other, so she can see her?
One thing that might toughen you up is to think about issues (and you may not be working on them yet) that have to do with SAFETY. Working with her to understand that issue is going to be paramount very soon, if not already.
Good Luck!
M.
Dear S.,
As a preschool owner I would say what your daughter is going through is perfectly normal. This is her first experience with having a friend. Girls tend to be more possessive of their friendships and your daughters behavior is just a reaction to learning the rules. Let her teacher handle it and eventually your daughter will learn the rules and accept them. Cherish the fact that she is a strong, independent, little girl this will be an asset to her as she grows. Raising a child who is stubborn is very difficult, this is their personality, and trust me you can't punish it out of them. However they can learn the rules its just more of a challenge. One thing I will say is pick your battles and when you do make sure you win or she will walk all over you. You said she is new to the preschool environment so let her learn what she is in preschool for. Her behavior is not a reflection on you she is just learning this does not make you a bad parent. Developing social skills is all part of growing up and to me primarily what preschool is for. It is only November so give her time and her teacher time to work with her. If the teacher does not approach you then let it be. I have found that when parents ask everyday about their child's behavior the teacher will always have something to offer. Lets face it if we look for something bad we can always find it. I am not saying to be oblivious to her behavior, because it is obvious that you are not just don't let her see you checking on her everyday. Don't make your conversations with her about what she didn't do just about the wonderful things she did do. If the teacher does approach you with ongoing misbehavior then handle each incident as you see appropriate. I am sure she will be fine. Good luck!!
Hi S.,
I know of what you speak.
My daugther did the same thing.
Do encourge the friendship outside of school with the little girl. Let them have play dates. This will help the girls get past the honey moon phrase of their relationship and than the real work of being a friend begins.
As far as toughen up.
There is two hands of parenting.
The right hand of love is nuturing, loving, consoling, encouraging.
The left hand of love is obediance and discipline.
Are you using only one hand or both?
Obediance comes from discipline.
Dicipline is following thru on every threat and punishment that comes out of your mouth.
If you're not following up bad behavior with discipline your daughter will not obey you.
I noticed for our generation everyone wants to just nuture and love, obediance and discipline is being left to schools and society.
Good Luck.
When your child grows up and goes out into the world she will have to follow rules and deal with different people...so I tend to think you should allow the teacher to handle this in her class room and not interfere in anyway.
At home you definitely need to be firm and not give in to her. Think about the hard time she will have being out in the world as an adult if you don't get a handle on this now.....She's got to start dealing with the conerquences for her behavor now while she is still young..
Right now she wants what she wants and I don't think a play day with her friend is going to make a difference in wanting to set next to her in class. But it can't hurt to try it...
First of all- stop blaming yourself! Your daughter was probably like this in the womb. Smart, strong, independent, and yes...stubborn! :) I know, because my son's personality was clear even in utero, as well. All we can do is love love love our kids, give them boundaries, and just do the best we can. That's what you're doing, and you're an awesome mom!
I'm also a former elementary school teacher, and let me tell you- this is SO NORMAL for girls. This obsessive best friend thing is quite irritating for teachers and mamas, but it's completely developmentally appropriate. It's also a way of testing teacher expectations and class rules. So it's the teacher's job to do exactly what she's doing. Switch the seats, and have a plan to deal with the meltdowns that occur. And if worse comes to worse, maybe mom has to come in and observe and occasionally intervene as needed.
Your daughter is independent, and will probably not want you there! Thus, she may learn her lesson. In any case, it's very early in the year. This is the time for meltdowns. It will ease off as 2008 comes to a close.
Your daughter may enjoy spending time with her friend outside of school, but I doubt this will change her behavior at all in the classroom. And 4 years old is still too young to expect kids to do a great job at controlling jealousy and possessiveness. It's so exciting to have a real friend! It's so empowering, to feel loved by someone who isn't a family member. And just wait for the fights they'll have. The tears and drama are gut wrenching (for them). Don't give a hint of a smile, as you wipe away those tears. She'll be outraged!
And finally, the listening. That's a tough one. No four year old is a good listener. And plenty of adults aren't either, so kudos to you for beginning the listening lessons! Stay patient, and keep gently reminding her that it's your turn to speak. Or her friend's, or her sister's, etc. Ask her questions about what you said, but not in a patronizing way. Just casually, and really listen to her as well. It's easy to tune out chatty four year olds, but they're smart. They know when we're not listening, and they follow our lead.
Good luck! Sorry for the long response. Maybe I'm just missing my classroom, now that I'm a stay at home mom. :)
