Being Selfish?

Hi, I remember when I was a teenager many people hired mothers helpers for very little money. What that is is when you hire a teenager to come in while you are home and keep the children occupied while you do whatever you need or want to do. I am from South China as well and if you are interested I know many reliable girls that may be able to help you out. Trish

You are not selfish as I am typing to you my 15 month is on my lap.*-* I can not take a shower without him crying outside the door.

Not you are not beig selfish at all....i feel the same way...I let my 2 year old son play with pots and pans or watch a movie when I want alittle time alone. My 10 month old daughter is easily entertained by herself. Where are you from anyway?

Everyone needs to maintain their individuality. This includes moms. So asking for a little self time is not selfish, it's essential! Having a few moments to regroup will make you a more refreshed and better mom. Have someone watch your kids for a half and hour... or an hour if feasible. It will do wonders for the whole family.

Hello my fellow privacy seeker,

I am also a SAHM of three(boys). Being the only girl in the house is a real drag. So far I've heard a lot of suggestions about how to get time to myself. The problem is not really the "how", it's the guilt. Somehow I feel like I am being selfish. I think that's really the thing to overcome. It's particularly difficult if your partner doesn't hand the time to you on a silver platter.

However, it is imperative that you take the time, if not for yourself, than to show the children that you are a person. They need to see that you have needs too. It is very easy for them to become used to the idea that you only exist to fulfill their wants and needs. Show them that you respect yourself, and they will too.

Warmest Regards, K.

No, it's not selfish, it's smart. We need to nurture ourselves and our sanity so that we can be the best mothers possible. We're entitled to time to ourselves, we're entitled to use the bathroom by ourselves. I discovered that it's really all right to let your children cry while you use the bathroom. It's OK to make sure they're secure and occupied while you shower. There are times where when they're quiet, I go sit on the porch with a big mug of coffee and a magazine. By the time I finish the coffee, I feel re-energized and the kids are still quietly occupying themselves.

If you need a break, don't be afraid to ask for help. Even if all you want to do is walk around the mall for an hour window shopping.

R.,
It will not Kill Dad to stay with the kids for a few hours. One way to get time to yourself. Put the kids to bed and then go out for a few hours, if your hubby is reluctant to stay with your kids when they are awake. Lock the bathroom door. I've resorted to this more than once. You will be a better mom, wife, and person if you do something you enjoy, just for you. Don't feel guilty about wanting time to yourself. Think someday your children will be all grown up, and have social lives fo thier own. What are you going do? Sit around and be sad, or lonley? No, you'll already have a activity to enjoy on your own.
A.

You are not being selfish! Parents need time alone or else (like it happened to me), it will explode in an unhealthy way. I know that this may sound harsh, but there are times that I've put my son in his room for an hour, sometimes 1/2 hour, just so that I can have some alone time. (I'm a single mother.) I was able to get some homework done, take a walk on the treadmill, do laundry, clean the house, or just watch a movie. He screamed for about 2-5mins, but eventually he played with his toys, and became quiet. SOmetimes, you have to do it for your own sanity. Plus, kids need a break from their parents, and without my son's father and since I have other family in my area of where I live, it's just me and my son, so those are the steps that I've taken. Come to think of it, my son is in his room right now talking to himself as he plays because I need time for myself, and hey, I got to answer your email in the mean time, LOL! I hope this helps...

Hello R.,
I do not believe you are being selfish. I have one child that I bring to work with me and she is constantly by me. I have been sharing some of the responsiblity even more lately with my fiance. If you have to put your kids to bed early and take a bath. go shopping alone even if you have to pay someone to watch your kids. i hope this helps.
~B.

Hi R.- I don't think your selfish at all! don't think I'm nuts but we punish the kids with time outs at our house and the kids know they can't bother one another during that time.... so I go into Mommy time outs. I take a time out bath, time out up in our bedroom.. wherever you need to be alone for a few.. Hope this helps, works like a charm around here!In fact last night... my husband took his first Daddy time out! Good Luck!

R.,

Leave the house! I am guessing that since you are a SAHM, you have a husband around (someone's got to pay the bills, right??). When he comes home, or is off on a weekend, leave. Go anywhere. See a movie alone, sit in a corner of the library and page through a magazine, get your hair cut. It's necessary for sanity to not be surrounded every minute of every day for years on end with small chattering people.

I know a lot of husbands don't love this, but too bad. I bet he doesn't take them all with him when he goes to the barbershop, or to Home Depot to pick something up, etc.

My husband and I have worked out a system. On Saturday mornings, he sleeps in as late as he wants, and I get up with our son. Sundays, it's my turn. I sleep in as late as I want while he gets up with the little guy, then I go grocery shopping. So, from bedtime Saturday night, until I get home from the food store around 11 or so on Sunday morning, I am off duty! We also both get to go out socially whenever wefeel like it, no questions asked. My playgroup does a Mom's night out each month, and I go to that, or to meet a friend to see a movie and have dinner, and he takes on our son for the evening, no questions, no complaints. My husband bowls once a week, and that's his night out. I don't plan anything that interferes with his bowling night.

We are all parents, but parents aren't ALL we are. You are still a wife, a friend, a woman of your own. You need to have the opportunity to nurture all of your roles in order to feel good about the whole person. It's so easy for Mommy to drown out everything else, but when they get older and you look around an empty nest, who will you be? What will you have if you let all of your interests and hobbies, and outside relationships die off?

Go out and have some fun!

Hi R.. I have a son who is almost 4 and a 10 month old as well! :)

It was funny reading all your responses...all the moms shout out in one accord, "YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH!" Being a mom is one of the most selfLESS things that you can do!!! You deserve and absolutely NEED time to yourself.

I liked what that one woman said that she takes mommy time outs! I'll have to try that one. I have to admit, I don't take much time to myself, but I am pretty adamant (sp) about putting my kids to bed EARLY so that i can have the evening to myself, have friends over if I can't get out or just hang out with my husband, watching a movie or something. For me that is KEY. They're usually in bed no later than 8 and that leaves me time to relax and regroup for the next day.

Hope that helps a little. Hope it works out for you to get a little time for yourself! It's such a short season really that our kids are young. We all get tired, and sometimes frustrated and in saying this I'm not taking away from the fact that we NEED free time as well...but I always try to remind myself that one day I'll be wishing I was back in these days. :)

You are soooo not being selfish! If you don't have time to yourself, then you will not be the best form of yourself for everyone else. We all need time to recharge physically and emotionally and mentally. I schedule myself time... every Wednesday night, Brian takes the children out for me for a few hours for "GUYS NIGHT". Also, I go and get my nails done and head for a starbucks with a few magazines I have been attempting to read for 3 months or so. It is so easy to rush and get everything done when naptime hits, but don't be afraid to soak in the tub then or "veg" on the couch in front of a lifetime movie for an hour! I was going nuts when I couldn't even take a bubble bath alone without my toddler climbing in with his jammies on... and thinking I needed tubbie toys too! And not even being able to urinate alone is like the line we all draw... I go through it too. Staying at home is much harder than people think and we are always unappreciated for how much of ourselves we give to others and not to ourselves.

TAKE THE TIME YOU NEED!!!
D..... I am a mom of 2 sons, 11 years old and 2 years old and pregnant with my 3rd child.

of course not,do u live in ipswich?

I don't think that is selfish at all. Actually for 4 years I never took any time to myself and then recently learned that mom needs that time not only for mom but because it renews us and makes us that more patient for the kids, gives them a break from us, and if mom is feeling well kids feel better too! creative ways....? hmm Id say nap time take some time for your self if they nap and if you don't nap too. Earlier bed times. I don't know how old your kids are or the layout of your house but I have two showers in One bathroom of my house so I put them in one and use the other, they play and splash and enjoy it because its not a rush to get clean and get out as it usually is, then I know they are fine, I am right there but I have my own little bit of privacy, and usually there are no complaints when they are in the tub. The park is a great place depending again on the age of the kids, if you can let them run and bring a book.. however honestly I have to tell you I usually end up running with them. Maybe you have a friend who you can swap kids with occasionally for an hour or two. Sorry but for now those are the only ideas I have, hope that helps!

Hi R., Nope I don't think you are. Everybody needs time for themselves. I always tell my husband that I am with our 3 yr old 24 hrs/day, 7 days/week and I need time for myself and when he comes home from work and changes him, gives him a bath, etc. It works well. I even have time to go on the computer!

No WAY! You are not being selfish, Everyone needs some alone time to relax and take in all their thoughts especially moms, I dont have many thoughts on finding the chance to get the time, Im working on that myself. If anyone ever offers to watch the kids while you go to the store say yes or maybe find a movie they'll all want to watch and dont worry about the dishes or laundry sneak into your room or the porch while they watch it because even 15-20 mins alone will help, take it when it can. Good Luck let me know if you find something! :]

R.,
you don't say how old your children are, but if they are old enough to be in the yard by them selves, send them out on a scavenger hunt. Otherwise I've found luck with a babysitting co-op. Instead of paying for a baby sitter a co-op allows you to trade off baby sitting.

Hi R.,
I read the other responses and I agree with them all.
You must/need to take a break. It is good for you.
My boys (5 and 3) take a nap every afternoon. That way I get a little ME time.
When I'm really tired of being 'everything' to my family, I arrange with my husband for him to stay at home with the boys while I go out alone. Trips to the salon, grocery shopping, window shopping, errands of any kind: big and small, early Sun mass or just a walk without any of my boys - and this includes my husband, have been like a therapy to me.
Mind you, I don't have friends nor family to visit near me.
Sometimes watching a movie, from the beginning to the end (even if it is a late night movie, after everybody has gone to bed) or reading a few pages from a book/magazine without any interruption, reenergizes me.
Anything to make you feel in control, to take care of yourself.
Try harder to carve a little time to yourself.

No your not being selfish dont' ever feel guilty aren't the children old enough for headstart and school or even preschool that will give u sometime alone.
Also if you have a friend with children take turns babysitting that way it dont' cost either one of you anymoney....

R.,
You are not being selfish at all. In fact it is a very healthy and very needed item to ensure you are the very best mom you can be. When my son and dtr were younger (now 19 & 17) this wasn't really a problem for me. They were both on schedules. They had nap time...didn't have to sleep if they were not tired...but for a least 1/2 hour they had to stay in their room. They both had tv's w/vcr's in them...and both would pick out a cartoon or tv show...and both would almost immediately fall asleep...something about choices and making them feel they have options seemed to work well. As they got older the "nap time" turned to "Down time". Now at ages 19 & 17, we still have "down time". It isn't "scheduled"...but my teens like to go to their room to have their own time to unwind. The only difference now is it isn't always quiet time...loud music is a favorite.

Another thing that my mom (mother of 4) told me when I had my first child was never ever no matter what let your child sleep with you. I never did. I listen to my mom and would always get up...sick child, scared child, cold child, wet bed...I always got up...and gave the time and attention to my children..we talked about the issue. If they were sick with a high fever or flu, dad and I would take turns by "cuddling" with them on the couch. The "monster issue" always took a little longer...we'd go in their room and do a monster search. Then we'd talk about how monsters are not real...they are pretend..and are just people in costumes...like halloween...and in the movies...and besides...whoever met a real monster before? We did whatever they needed...left the light on...read them a story...left everylight in the house from their room to our bedroom on...told them if they got scared to come back and let us know...but we always went back with them to their room...so not only did we implement nap/down time during the day...we kept kids bedtime consistent...and our bed all to ourselves as well...it is healthy for both you and your children to have down time alone.

Hi R.,
You are not being selfish at all I recently was going through the same thing it was not just the kids my husband and the animals would join in the bathroom also. I cried and pleated and even screamed and nothing worked they always seem to need me when i was in the bathroom, I went out and bought a lock for the inside of the bathroom door it is installed high enough where the kids cannot reach it. I tell them when they knock there is no entrance at this time i will let you know when im done so hold your thoughts until then if i could only tell you how they forget half of what they wanted to bug me for its so nice to finally have some peace.

i don't think your being selfish.i was in the exact same spot a few years ago myself.i got my kid involved some stuff to do outside the house.not to mention i made plans with friends that didn't involve little ones.i would make a playdate for her.then use the time away from her just for myself.no housework doing, no errands to run. i just went to places to be and ejoy myself.every parent needs a break from the kids every now and then.hey howe can you take care of someone if your not taking care of yourself.my # 1 rule in the house is if mommy isn't happy then noone is happy.take care now

I don't think you are being selfish at all, but you first wantthe time, or get the time it will feel that way. I ask my hubby or grandma or anyone who will take them, to take the kids for a couple hours...if I can't get it that way, I pay a babysitter. We all need time alone!

As for creative things to do, anything..... movies, mall walking (or shopping if you can afford), I get drinks with friend once in a while, sometimes even a whole meal...and it's hot when I eat it! Go figure!!! Hope that helps!

I've been there. You are not being selfish. They have to learn that you have to have time to yourself.As far as going to the bathroom by yourself,just put the little one in a playpen,a little crying is ok.The older ones should understand.Sometimes you need to go out and recoup.Get a sitter and have a good time!