Hi helpful mamas. I was wondering what you do when your preschooler gives up naps, when that was the only time you got to yourself. It's been a couple of months now and I'm feeling really stressed that I haven't had time to write a letter, or sew a dress, dye my hair or even read the paper. If I want to take a shower uninterrupted I have to make sure to wake up extra early when I know she'll stay asleep. My hubby is no help. He plays with her sometimes, but I am always the one who has to care for her, I am the only one who disciplines her, I am the only one who gets her ready for bed and reads her stories. I can't do anything by myself without her calling for me every five minutes. I have asked hubby to watch her and he always says he's too busy then holes up in his man-cave to watch TV. He says his full-time job is stressful but I work full-time also. All I want is a few hours a week when I don't have to be "on duty" as a mom. I feel so drained and stressed. I used to get a few hours on the weeekend when she napped but she doesn't nap any more. I have neighbors nearby with kids who are friends with my daughter but I don't want to trouble them to watch her because they have health issues (when we visit I am always with my daughter to supervise.) I feel guilty for complaining because I have a blessed life, reasonably good health, a home, food and other necessities, and I love love LOVE my daughter so much! But if I don't get a few hours to myself I feel I'm going to fall to pieces. I've told my hubby I need a little time to myself and he refuses to help me. Am I wrong to want help? What do you do when it gets like this? I am so crabby I hear myself complaining in front of my daughter then I feel like the world's worst parent. Any advice for me? Many thanks... *peace*!
HI Mamas, thanks so much for the advice and support. Thanks for letting me know my profile needed an update. My daughter is 4 years old., She's in daycare on the weekdays while I work. At naptime there she rarely sleeps, only when her teacher sits by her while she's on her cot. She begins 4K in the afternoon in the fall and will not be napping then. We sleep in late on the weekends because I'm so exhausted during the week, so that's part of why she doesn't nap anymore on the weekend. The idea of putting her in her room for an hour of quiet time is a good one. But last time I tried to put her in for long enough to take a shower she called me three times out of the shower! I thought I would have a nervous breakdown then! Hubby is no help and I don't know how to get him to take her. I don't want to get a break outside of the house, I want *them* out of the house so I can write letters and sew things. Last night all I wanted was to dye my hair (just over an hour including rinse-out) but even though I told hubby I needed to do that he hid in his cave until he decided to go straight to bed without talking to me. Now this morning he got up all chipper and left for work, telling me goodbye. He doesn't get that I am disappointed and feeling resentful, he things we are fine! Even though I have talked to him and even wrote him a letter telling him how I feel. I *do* feel like a single parent. Now I'm off to work. Thanks again mamas, for listening. I feel less alone with your support. *peace*!
Have you tried quiet time in her room instead of naps? I bet she would like some down time . Give her some books and dolls ,etc I hope this helps =0)
Wow. Two big issues here.
First of all, your daughter should be able to entertain herself for a while. Unless you play with her ALL the time? Maybe she hasn't learned how to use her imagination and play on her own? You need to start that now. I never entertained my kids, they played and I did my thing and sometimes we came together but not all day long. I certainly never had to wait for nap time to get a break (other than when the were tiny babies obviously.)
Secondly, you don't ask your husband for "help" you GO. She's his daughter too and there's no excuse for that. You just say, honey, little girl's been fed and is bathed and I am going out (to workout, go to the grocery store, meet a girlfriend for coffee, whatever.) He doesn't get a choice, he's her parent too, that's all there is to it. So what if he gets pissed? If he's not willing to be a part of the family then you may as well be a single mother and let him send you alimony and child support once a month!
Obviously you are not being hard enough on your husband. It is 100% wrong that you are the only caregiver to your child. So from now on dont ask, TELL him what he needs to do. No sweet letters that most likely balance out the good with the bad because you don't want to go too far. GO THAT FAR....I would actually not even stay with a man who would not contribute to raising our children. But thats just me.
So when he gets home tonight you say-in a business like and not sweet or whiney voice" "hey, I am going to need you to put X down while I dye my hair." If he whines just don't pay attention. He is obviously beyond you explaining WHY you need this from him. When the time comes to do your hair-take your child to him and tell him you are going to do your hair now and do not want to be interrupted.
I make all the kids at least lay down for a bit. I'd go crazy without that time!
Give her some books, some tv, etc. and make her stay in her room for a bit. Try an hour after lunch.
In the long term, the *problem* will be that your Husband does not help with his own child. And not that your daughter does not nap anymore.
As your child grows-up, she will need less or no naps.
Hubby works and you work too.
It is his child too. And his home.
If your Husband continues to refuse... to raise his own child and help his Wife, then *HE* can hire, a professional babysitter, so that you get breaks and respite.
She still needs quiet time. Try to enforce that in place of the nap.
By "preschooler" I'm assuming your child is 3 or older, so why not put her in part time preschool or a mom's day out type of program?
I think the bigger issue is that your DH won't help or offer you a night off. Personally, it sounds like you are going to have to take your alone time into your own hands & plan an outing & make him be alone with her. He can't get mad because it's the exact same thing he does every time he shuts off & goes into his man cave.
Good luck, maybe someone with an unhelpful spouse can help you out more than me. I can't imagine having a partner that didn't want me to go out & have some fun every now & then. I can't imagine having to cohabitate with what amounts to a roommate & try to raise a child together.
How old is she. IF she is under 5 you need to sort of force the issue and practically make her lay down, perhaps laying down with her until she falls asleep.
She will still be required to nap in pre-K and Kindergarten. So working to keep her napping is pretty important.
Does she nap at child care? If not they need to keep working with her, again, I do not know how old she is.
IF she needs constant supervision she must not be very old...this concerns me. If she is too little to watch tv or play in her room long enough for you to go take a shower or sit down to do some stuff then she is entirely too young to be giving up naps. It is recommended they take naps until the are 5 years old. In child care we are required to put them on a cot and "make" them have nap/rest time until they are complete kindergarten. If they do not fall asleep within a half hour or so they can do quiet things on their cots but cannot get up. They will not only wake the other kids up they will get the idea it's fun to not take a nap.
Naps are important. They count towards the entire day's sleep requirement. If this child needs 10 hours of sleep per day a couple of those hours should be coming from nap time.
Again, if this child is 3, 4, or 5 she is entirely old enough to understand it's her play time and mom needs time to do some work. She is also old enough to let mom go take a shower by herself.
If she is younger than 3 or 4 she needs you to make the effort to get her to lay down and fall asleep. If you show her she must do it then it will be easier in the long run.
When my kids gave up their naps, I instituted quiet time in their rooms. Their rooms were a safe place to be with books and toys and comfort. They were to stay in there for their traditional nap time. Sometimes they feel asleep looking at books. They knew that was the way it was.
They had to lay down during the day at daycare (I was working) so they also had to lay down at home. Consistency was the key. You ought to do that to. Full day kindergartens have the kids lay down for the most part - check with the school your child will eventually go to. If for no other reason than making your son kinder-ready, consider instituting quiet time policy in her room.
Dawn
Your husband is supposed to be a co-parent. Tell him that he is to provide your child with x amount of time undivided daily while you have some time for yourself. If he is unwilling to do that, then hire someone to watch your child for an hour or two every day. A teenager after school would probably be happy to make a few extra dollars babysitting. Also, join a gym with a childcare center and go work out, get a shower alone and spend 1/2 hr - 1 hr in the lounge/cafe rejuvenating. It is both unrealistic and unacceptable for you to never have a few minutes to yourself, and your husband is selfish for his lack of support in this.
No, you are not wrong to want your husband to help. It is his responsibility. He is making a big mistake as a father not to be more involved in his daughter's life.
its called quite time. buy a timer for their room so they don't keep asking you if they can come out. They don't have to sleep, they just have to stay in their room. I put my 4 year old in for one hour. Initially she came out of her room a lot, but since I had a baby and this was my time to catch up on missed night time sleep, I was swift and consistent about consequences if she came out of her room. Now she does quite well with them. I Would go insane if I did not have this break from my kids.
OK, no naptime doesn't mean no quiet time.
Whatever time she used to lay down for a nap, you put her in her room, door shut, until you call or come get her, say an hour and a half later. She doesn't need to go to sleep, but she needs to stay in her room, no calling you, preferably in bed, with books, stuffed animals and quiet toys. Believe me, sometimes she may actually go to sleep, but even if she doesn't you have some time to yourself.
My 3 year old still needs his naps, but on the off days he doesn't want to sleep this is what I have him do, I have to, I need the break! ; )
Now is the time when it's most important to take your breaks. I HATED when the naps dropped. I became sooo overly tired and just worn out. But I made a point to get the kids down for bed earlier than usual (due to no nap), and then I forced myself to stop and SIT! I would still definitely ask for help from your husband (since they are his children too) and if he's not going to help you mentally/emotionally, then HE WILL help you financially by hiring an occassional babysitter or childcare service so you can get out every now and then.
You do need a break! You do deserve a break! If you take it all on yourself, YOU WILL get burned out and could very well even take it out on your husband and especially your kids. Make a point to take care of YOU...everyone will benefit because of it!
My saving grace is and was bedtime. I took my time after they were in bed. Nice and early.
If your child is anything like mine, quiet time may not work.
I agree with Mamazita, she hit the nail on the head. Your husband needs to man up.
girl! i feel ya'! my son's 3 and 1/2 and naps are just now starting to taper off. i work FT outta the home & would wait anxiously every weekend for those naps! but now...seems like he's uninterested. i would spend more time trying to get him down then us napping & i'd be MORE exhausted afterwards...wasn't worth it to me anymore. i'm a single mama so i can relate to no help in the home, also.
anyway, for about the last month, i tell my son at around 1p after lunch, that *I* need to lay down for a little while b/c *I'm* tired. i stay on the couch, he plays w/his cars or watches Toy Story & i get a LITTLE snooze for approx 1 hr. eyes half open b/c that's how mamas are. but you can't MAKE them go to sleep. i call it quiet rest time. and we can't do such & such until we have our quiet rest time. it has surprisingly worked very well. usually about the time i feel better 45 mins or so, he's starting to conk out. the house is dark/quiet & i'm quiet, so i bring him his pillow/blanket from his room & before i know it, HE'S napping. yesterday he napped about an hr & a half after i woke up. so...had time to journal, start some laundry, get on the internet. it worked out great!
maybe try something like that. i dreaded this time too, but it's all fluid, all flexible y'know? good luck mama! :)
just because the sleeping nap is gone does not mean the rest time is gone. make it a rule. put a movie on and tell your little one don't move till this is over. or into the room with a book on the bed for a rest time. all daycare centers are required to provide an hour long rest time per day. regardless of whether child sleeps or not the rest time is given. tell your little one to lay down and be still.
When mine stopped actually sleeping at naptime, I still made them take that hour to rest or just play in their room so I could have my "hour of silence".
