I have a 19-month-old son and over the last few months EVERYTHING has become a battle with him. Meal time, bath time, play time, EVERYTHING. He is constantly throwing temper tantrums, hitting and throwing things. I'm not sure where he gets this stuff from either; we don't display any of this behavior to him and he doesn't play with any other kids who act like this.
He still doesn't talk very much but he understands everything we say. If I tell him "no" or not to do something he'll listen for a minute and then he's right back at it. I've tried timeout to divert his attention but that doesn't work either. I try and let him explore and play but sometimes I just have to say "no" because it isn't safe like when he crawls on my kitchen table or tries to ride his truck off the fireplace hearth. He's so defiant!
I guess my question has a couple points: 1) Is this normal? 2)Will this get better when he starts talking more? 3) Does anyone have any suggestions for discipline and diversion? 4) Are there any websites or books that might help me get through this with him without killing him?!? (not really, of course)
I'm trying very had not to lose my patience and get frustrated but battling with him 10 - 12 hours a day is starting to wear on me.
Thank you all for your opinions and advice. Many of you commented on the fact that there is a new baby in the picture, but this behavior started months before she was born. He does talk and can say about 30 words, he just chooses not to use his words. I try and drag it out of him but we get nowhere. Our pediatrician told me not to worry too much until he's 2 so I'm choosing not to worry. I'm going to try and impliment some of the techniques suggested and will look into the books suggested as well. I'm starting to think this all began just as my exhaustion level reached it's peak in my third trimester and didn't have the energy to play with him non-stop and has carried over now that the baby is here and I simply can't play with him non-stop. He's very energetic and wants to go, go, go all day! Thanks again for all your advice.
My granddaughter when she would get mad, she would pitch a fit. This continued until she was three years old. But I was glad when she stopped pitching her fits.
P. S
My now 2.5 yr old daughter did this at 18 months too. She was very verbal at the time, so I dont know whether his inability to verbally communicate is really the root of the problem.
I was really scared why my daughter started acting this way. I went out and bought The Discipline Book by Dr. William Sears. My daughter was the little girl that I had fallen in love withing a couple of weeks.
No more falling out when things didnt go right at the grocery store. No more fighting me every step of the way(every day). (still on occasion)
Now, boys are different than girls, so it may not work.
Normal. Don't expect tons out of him-- i mean he wants ATTENTION. You are tending to the baby right now. Sometimes say to your baby girl, "Name, I have to put you down so I can play with your brother." Do this a lot. Of course the baby won't care or understand but address him a lot. Ok. Baby girl- I need to give boy's name his lunch.
I agree that the dangerous stuff is not good to let go. Set rules. Start saying that. Simple stuff. I feel like at 19 months spanking is just not logical. Sometimes they have these fits bc they CANT express themselves or they don't know. Try to hold him. I am sure it is hard. The more we yell, the less they understand.
Good Luck.
Hang in there. Just remember to be consistent with how you choose to discipline him and make him use his words and help him find words too...meaning help him talk through some things in his language when he needs it.
Also, a new baby in the mix adds to it. for him, one day it was just him and the next there was another baby. My kiddos are 17 1/2 months apart so we have been there too
I use a 2 week system..i dont know what to call it, but I set to do something for a solid 2 weeks. then if it isnt working i change to something else. having the 2 weeks helps me have a timeline, and it gives the child a chance to get the hang of what you are trying to instill. for example. my daughter would eat paper..any paper, so for 2 solid weeks i chose to take a sticker from her chart, if after 2 weeks we werent getting anywhere i would try a different strategie. hope that is helpful.
I agree with the responses below that this does seem normal and it will hopefully pass soon. A couple of ideas that I've always heard about that age is to try to limit how much you use the word "no" - definitely use it in unsafe situations, but saying things like - "let's ride your truck over here" and moving him away from the fireplace might make him feel more like it's just a new activity and less like he's in trouble, so he may not get so defensive. And, it's going to be tough with a new baby, but consistency and follow through are the most important things to kids at this age. If you are going to tell him he "has" to do something, be prepared to fight the fight until he does it. My daughter and I once sat on the floor for 45 minutes in a battle of wills before she would pick up her sippy cup, but she finally did and I haven't had to fight that fight since. Same thing goes for "threats" if you say "we're not going to the park if you do that" follow through - he'll realize that you mean what you say. Kids this age are learning what they can do and are definitely testing what they are allowed to do, so putting in the extra work now will really pay off in the long run. Also, I know this may sound cheesy, but I implemented a "hug not hit" policy with my daughter, she got into a hitting stage, especially with me and I would just try to calmly say, "hug mommy, don't hit", and I would give her a hug even when she was in the middle of the tantrum, and that eventually turned that around. To deal with throwing things, we made her pick up anything she threw - again, that's a fight you have to consistently fight, but they will start think about whether they want to throw something knowing they'll have to go pick it back up. Good luck! Hang in there! It gets better!!
ah you mention a 3 week old.
How long has he been acting out? Is this his way of getting attention he thinks he deserves?
Your answer lies within your request. New baby? ahaaaaaaaaa have him more involved helping out with new baby, but he should be talking more at 19 mo , have u questioned this with the Dr. and r u talking for him? We all have a tendency to do this with our first born. You could consider having his hearing check out by ENT DR>
Totally normal. The tantrums will improve with communication when you can ask him to use his words. He's frustrated with his inability to communicate his needs. And he's also trying to adjust to a new household setting with a new baby. And he's probably teething and processing new skills daily. That's just A LOT for anyone!
Start giving him choices (blue pants or green?)so that he feels like he has some input. Choice is key for my Toddler. (I do tell my daughter that safety issues are non-negotiable and repeatedly remove her from the situation.) If you have a safe place to put him (ie-crib) while you compose yourself, there's no harm in taking a timeout for yourself. You're adjusting too. Welcome to the land of Toddlers.
Make sure you have enough age appropriate activities to keep him engaged throughout the day. Play dough, finger painting, heck even sorting beans into different sized containers. Activity corners, including a quiet place for him to go. Go to the park, etc. Let him run himself ragged.
You have to keep reminding yourself, He's still a Baby. Yes, a BABY. Brain development continues to 24 months and it's the last organ to mature.
Just try to find a way to communicate. I ask my daughter to "show me" when I can't understand her. I know several moms have had luck with baby signs. It's frustrating. But it'll pass.
He sounds like my son who hit the terrible two's early. The terrible two's lasted a good 2-2.5 years after that. He finally turned back into the sweetest kid on earth who listens and doesn't battle me over things like cutting his pancakes when he wasn't ready or putting butter on something he didn't butter on.
My advice is to bite your tongue till he grows out of it. Trying to argue with a child who is going through this normal growth stage is pointless and will only wear you out.
Take a look at Dr John Rosmond's website. He has many excellent suggestions on controlling unacceptable behaviour. Has some good books out too. V.
Totally normal! You can help by helping him learn expression words. But when he is in a tantrum, ignore him, walk away and don't talk to him till he is done!! Make sure he is in a safe area though when you do this. Kids learn real quick that if you tell them no they can't have something and that if they throw themselves to the floor they'll get what they want just because the parent is either embarrassed or can't handle the screaming and crying. After he is done with the fit, hold him and explain that you are sorry he is upset/mad that he can't have the cookie/snack/drink/toy but that is not a proper way to behave. This is truly a battle of the wills, yours against his and you MUST be the stronger one!!!
Good luck!
S.
I'd recommend Harvey Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block. The methods in there have worked wonders with my (now) 23 month old. He started throwing tantrums and wanting everything his way around 18 months and I didn't know what to do. There is a book and a dvd. We checked the dvd out of the library.
Wooo, girl! It's time to put him in daycare! A little school structure will help tame him and socialization with kids his own age will help him pick up some words. Sounds like he's doing what he can to get your attention away from the newborn. Good luck!
Hi V.,
I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel with a little 3 week old and lack of sleep and dealing with this difficulty. There is so much help and support, whatever you do, don't believe for a second that your child's behavior is always a reflection of your parenting! The fact you are asking shows great consideration on your part. I hope you are able to pinpoint the issue.
I hope you will consider my opinion, because I realize it is hard to understand and even less popular, but I have seen the story play out so many times. I am going to assume your son was vaccinated around 15 months and possibly again recently. Many children have immune reactions which affect the health of their digestive. They are uncomfortable, on edge (the nervous system is also effected), and being pushed to constantly do things when they just don't feel like it. It creates a struggle that is hard to understand and then the parenting experts start telling you he is "exerting his will". Bottom line, if the tantrums are productive (he gets what he wants) or they stop when he is given his way, then the problem could be discipline (see "Scream Free Parenting" experts/book for that). If he cuts his nose off to spite his face (continues to tantrum when way is given or every time there is a transition/change/etc, there is a problem. AND THE PROBLEM IS NOT THE NEED FOR TOUGH LOVE. It needs reflection and an attempt to change the situation.
I can tell you many people have seen radical changes when removing milk products and then gluten products (GFCF diet). Having an IGG done to check egg reactions may be a big part. Also, giving a child proibotics to help the bowels function properly and adding cod liver oil and potentially mineral supplement to help his immune stop reacting changes the "behavior" because the behavior stems from a need to solve the irritation he has no idea what to do with. Think about your behavior under PMS and what Advil does for your behavior (seriously).
I recomended to the other mom in this post Sensory Sensitive Child book. Yours is a little young (and also easier to treat with diet and testing), but it may help you understand anyway.
Best of luck, J.
Since you have a new baby he may be just unsure if he still has his "place" in your heart and family! Sometimes this period of adjustment feels uncertain for the older siblings. I would encourage you to let him help with the baby and include him as much as possible. Also, it might help him to have some one-on-one time with just you and him....maybe reading books, or just sitting and snuggling together. It will get better.
Sounds like he might need a good old fashioned spanking. This clears the air and punishes for his disobedience. Diversion can only go so far.
Hope things will get better as you give him some special time with just you and discipline using a good balance of firmness and love.
Hi V.
I know you already have a bunch of great responses. I just wanted to say... hang in there. Last October I gave birth to my 3rd 8 days after my 1st turned 3... so newborn, 3 yr old, and 14 month old. It was REALLY hard giving all 3 what they needed when I was getting no sleep but things really got better when the baby hit 3 months. It is hard to remember that your "big boy" is still a baby too.
What helps me with the older 2 is getting them toys that allow them to mimic my tasks... a fake kitchen, vacuum, baby dolls - I give them diapers to change their baby with, an iron, and I put water in an empty windex bottle and labelled it with their names as their "special super strong cleaner", etc. That way they can do things beside me as I do my tasks and as long as I am giving them lots of praise they feel I am giving them one on one attention, yet I am still getting my tasks done.
5 mins (or even less sometimes) of special cuddle time right when a child wakes up helps me get things off to a good start.
SIGN LANGUAGE has been a life saver for me with the first 2. Both started signing at 12 months. We didn't use official sign language... just things that made sense to us and was easy enough for them to do. Both of my boys taught me a few signs for things as well - really helps w/ communication frustrations b/c they can understand things so much sooner than they can talk. At 19 mo my middle child asked for cheese and then threw a fit when my husband tried to hand it to him. My husband was understandibly about to lose it. We noticed my son was gesturing with his hands flipping them over and over.... he wanted it folded up like mommmy always does... a sign was born and we've never had that fit again. The sign only needs to make sense to you and your son. Just make sure anyone who will want to understand/take care of him knows the signs as well.
Give them a choice of 2 more appropriate behaviors so they still feel like they are in charge and getting what they want... you can't climb on the table because you might go boom boom and get hurt, but you could make a tunnel with the couch cushions and play fort or I would love to have you help cleaning X, etc. Sometimes they just have a hard time coming up with things to do... and sometimes they just want your attention and PHYSICAL attention - hugs/cuddles. Hard to be there for their every need when you have a newborn. Esp w/ your firstborn b/c they were used to having it all.
Good Luck. Hang in there!
K.
