Before I Lose My Cool, How Would YOU Handle This?

I would have gone off.
There would have been no way for me to handle this situation calmly.
I'd have grabbed the keys and left him at home with the kids.

I'd leave the rest of the chores undone, maybe leave a pile of unsorted laundry on his side of the bed, and when he comes back inform him that you were feeling sick (because, hey, anyone who experienced what you did WOULD feel sick....of being taken advantage of!) and since he had recovered well enough to go fishing he could finish the chores, get dinner ready, etc.

Too sick (hung over) to work but not too sick to go fishing? Not a great behavior to show the kids. I wouldn't be handling it calmly. What if someone from work (granted, they'd have to be off work, too, but maybe they took vacation) saw him fishing? This would be a hot topic at a couples counseling session.

The most telling sentence of the whole question is "I already managed a smart alec remark as he was on his way out the door because I stupidly couldn't bite my tongue, and I'm hoping this is repairable because I am simply too tired to argue all day."

"Repairable"??? Does that mean your boyfriend is going to be upset with you for making a remark and be a big jerk to you...and then you will have yet another situation to fix? I may be misreading between the lines. But it sounds like a very common situation of jackass guy and overly considerate girl.

I think this is not the first time he's acted selfishly and been inconsiderate of your care and efforts. You are just so tired and worn out that it got to you. I don't think you are going to take any of the advice of the others who have told you to tell him to make dinner or take care of the kids. Because I'm betting you know this will just lead to him acting like an even bigger baby and storming off. That's how these guys always win...by getting madder than whoever is upset with them. This turns the tables and the nice doormat girl then tries to smooth things over by fixing everything and bottling up her true feelings. The actual issue of being inconsiderate never gets resolved and they just keep walking all over you.

The fact that you have three kids at home and that he feels free to up and walk out the door is also quite telling. He obviously feels no responsibility to the household or the children much less to you. That is the behavior of a man who is not committed for the long haul. There are plenty of fathers/husbands who take off for a day of fishing/golfing/poker and leave their wives to tend house and kids. But they usually tell their wives ahead of time out of respect or at least because their wives deserve an explanation for their absence. This guy does not respect you. Period. And he doesn't feel like you and he are a team with a common goal of taking care of a household and children. So its no wonder that he is clueless that you are exhausted and takes for granted the care you have shown him.

If you are going to talk to him and hold him accountable, just remember to be calm and when he throws a tantrum, force him to talk to you about his specific behaviors/actions that upset you. If he wants to defend himself, let him and then talk about how you feel and how you want to do this next time. If he agrees with you, you have a future. If he does not, I would prepare to leave or settle in for a lot more of what you just described.

Um..I am not helpful at all.. but I am with you. If he is "sick" he doesn't need to go fishing.

And if he was miraculously healed (from the rest you helped him get), he truly owes you some time to take care of yourself for a few minutes.

Sorry but I would have been pretty uppity if that were me!

There is a rule at my house that if your stay home sick, you are sick and you don't get to do anything, I personally wouldn't be able to handle myself and am amazed that all you did was make a snide remark.

This is going to come across wrong and I know it will, but I do not mean it to. Know this YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO FEEL THE WAY YOU DO!!! you do not mention if these are his kids or if he has been living with you long. The fact that these might not be his kids and if he just moved in might change how secure he feels with what he can and shoukld do and if this is the case have a talk with him, I would make it clear this was not exceptable, and will not be tolerated in the future. I also have the policy that is you are sick you go no where, and let him know that this is a rule of thumb.

If these are his kids and he has been living there for some time, WOW I would be havine a fit!! He could have helped and he could of handled the kids or something, but to up and leave right as you finished OOOOHHHH that is GRRRR!! On his next day off of work I would wake up in the AM and make a list of all the chores that need to be done and say I am taking a sick day now it is your turn!!! And once he is done with all of the work and catering to you go out and get a pedicure on him!!!

sounds like a jerk, do you need him in your life?

Take your sick day tomorrow!

Sorry, I wouldn't be able to handle it calmly. I would have been furious, and I have quite a mouth on me, so I would have probably had a lot of things to say to my husband before he got the door shut had he done it. I don't know your boyfriend and don't want to be disrespectful of him, but in my opinion, that was incredibly disrespectful of him. It probably wouldn't do any good to try and talk to him about it later because he's already done what he wants to do, but I wouldn't cater to him like that again the next time it happens. When he gets home, just tell him what you want for dinner and go get some rest yourself. Don't give him the chance to object. You busted your butt to allow him peace and quiet, he can return the favor to make it up to you.

Wow R.. I've read a lot of your posts. Why are you still with this fisherman??? Everything you've written (today and in the past) would drive me crazy too!! I don't know how easy it would be to get out of this relationship, but I think it may be worth considering. He just sounds too selfish, and I'm not sure you can change him. Good luck :)

He doesn't respect you.

You let him leave?! Why?!

I don't know... There have been times where I have felt absolutely miserable when I first got to work and went home early because of it, but then felt fine a couple hours later. So... Maybe he really did feel sick...

But he still shouldn't have gone fishing without at least asking you if there was anything he could do for you before he left since you slaved over him all morning long.

No sex for a week! That should be his punishment! :P

.

so, why exactly are you still 'catering to his every need'?
khairete
S.

Take a DEEP breath and calm down. I have been in your shoes many times over the 10 years of marriage to my husband and I have come to the conclusion that men are BIG babies when they're sick and expect us to treat them that way and don't really know how to show appreciation for what you've done because they think this is "normal" day to day stuff for mom.

I would let it blow over, he'll honestly probably never see and understand everything you did for him because he's a MAN! : )
I think it's great you did so much for him but next time you're sick you could play his role and see how well he handles the house all alone and maybe, just maybe then he'll see how much you do, but don't get your hopes up! : )

Hang in there and at least now that he's feeling better, he can help out more around the house today and let you take a break. Maybe go get a pedi when he comes back since you worked so hard this weekend for him. Keep your cool and just know it's pretty normal for men to not see how much you've done, not until they're really in your shoes, and even then they're not in our shoes long enough for them to really get it so who knows if they'll ever learn. LOL

So I wouldn't make a big deal out of this one, just know it's typical for a man to behave that way, and yes we'll never understand WHY but it does happen and as much as I said I'll never "cater" to him again when he's sick since he never realizes how much I do or show he's thankful for it, I still fall right back into the "caregiver" role when he's sick again and bend over backwards to care for him. I think it's the mommy instincts in us to want to care for our men when they're sick and as much as we'd LOVE for them to see where we're coming from, they never will. Don't let this ruin your day or cause unnecessary arguments, it's not worth it. Take care of yourself and the kids and again, take a break for yourself when he gets in but don't rub it in his face that you need this or that now because you did A, B & C for him.......just tell him you're a little overwhelmed and since you're feeling better now, you need a break for yourself.

Gonna play devil's advocate here....you did all the housework and as you said 'busted your butt all morning', but you CHOSE to do that stuff. You said you worked your full time job so I'm not sure if you came home after work and kept the kids quiet or maybe you work from home? But it sounds like to me you are catering to much to everyone else and not enough to yourself. My husband works hard and I recommend he take a sick day off once in awhile (even when not sick). That being said, I would be upset if he saw me busting my butt doing everything and then he just went off to spend the day to himself, but then again, he probably has done it before and you haven't said anything to him about it.

When he gets home, explain to him that you were trying to keep the kids quiet and get the house cleaned and you felt hurt that he obviously felt good enough to fish but not good enough to help around the house. Tell him that it works both ways and that you are going to take a bath (or a walk) while he makes dinner and/or keeps the kids. Then leave!

I can just see him saying something like "Well you didn't have to clean the entire house. You just are mad because you chose to do that and I didn't help and now you are upset with me." I have found that men and women think so much differently (obviously). In your mind, cleaning the house was a high priority when you are home. To him, resting and then going out fishing is high priority. Who is right and who is wrong? Neither one.

Instead of getting mad, being mad, etc, I would explain to him that you were HURT. It seems to me that men react better to this than when women blow up and are mad that they chose to do something - maybe because it's not like you couldn't choose to go do something and leave the kids with him (many women don't do enough for themselves in my opinion). I suspect this is a bigger issue (maybe him not helping out in the past, etc).

Sorry if this was long winded!

Good for you for not going off on him...I would have!!! Reading this actually gets me going just thinking about my hubby doing it to me! Anyways...the advice that Mikaila gave you is spot on. Have him make dinner, and if he pulls the "sick" card, then explain that since he was well enough to go fishing, he is well enough to make dinner. Walk out of the room, and let him get to work!

Hi R.,

I advise you to wait patiently until he gets home and then when you have some time ask him why, after all you've done, does he take you for granted. Ask him if he really doesn't appreciate you or if he is simply selfish. Ask him where you fit in his life because if it's simply for home health and housekeeping you'd be glad to hire someone to do that. Tell him you are exhausted from doing all that you listed here and you have no more to give. It's his turn!

I do believe that women should take care of their men but I also believe that there should be appreciation and a little acknowledgment of what we do. I tried the "leaving everything alone and he'd get sick of a dirty house" thing. It doesn't work. My husband simply thinks I messed up the house. aaaargh! (and he's a pretty considerate guy in comparison to most.) Yelling never helps. Smart comments just get turned around on me....

R., this is a pretty significant issue. Please take it seriously. Men don't just all of a sudden act like this. They either were always like this and hid it well or they didn't try to hide it at all. You said it, I didn't, this was probably a self inflicted "sick" so he's either oblivious or doesn't care. Either way, you have a lot to talk about.

God bless!!! and hang in there!

M.

I would be livid...lol to the one who says take your sick day tomorrow...that never happens in my house. When a man is tired, hungover,or lazy ..its amazing how they can just lay on the couch or wherever and do nothing but watch TV for hours. I never have that oppurtunity ....too much to do....good for you for saying nothing not sure I could of done the same.

Sorry to say but I think a lot of us women deal with this from our men. I do more work in my house BEFORE I go to work than my husband does in a week in the house. I go to work - then come home to MORE work to be done in the house. It is never ending.My husband comes home from work - eats and watches TV. The things he needs to do around the house get put off and put off. Most men simply do not SEE or choose to not see or just don't care about all that needs to be done. Women are the caretakers and we are overworked. I am so with you - I understand how you feel. I want to SCREAM my lungs out sometimes because I am so tired and frustrated. If I say the wrong thing - it starts a fight that lasts and lasts so I too try to just keep going and keep my mouth shut. It hurts. I feel like I have lost myself somewhere.

The next time he's "sick" I'd go shopping

Did you ever sit down with him and talk to him about how his behavior makes you feel? Does he understand? Can you both agree on some ground rules of mutual respect and consideration? If not, then why do you put up with him?

My sympathy is completely with you! Although on scond (and kinder) thought, maybe you should tell him you're glad he's feeling better enough to want to go fishing. Then tell him dinner will be the fish he catches and cooks tonight.

I would probably ask why he came home sick if he is going fishing all day. What's up with that? I wouldn't worry about all the work I did for him, I mean you did that stuff because you wanted to, so I'd leave that out of it. But why does he think it is fine to skip work and fish? Does he still have a job? This is what I would want to know. If he is still gainfully employed, I would let it go. The next time he comes home sick, maybe don't bend over backward so far...you know what I mean? He is a big boy, he can rest with noisy kids, that's just life. I mean I wouldn't let my son go and dive bomb my husband in the bed if he were not feeling well, but the house would still go on like normal, I would just keep our bedroom off limits. If he asked me for something, I'd do it, but I wouldn't not go somewhere I'd planned or skip my shower etc. I know that life with kids at home is soooooooooo hectic and that throwing anything else in the mix is just adding to the craziness, but if he came home sick, he can do that. If he wants to go and fish on in the sun all day, I guess he can do that too, BUT if it were me I'd say something if there wasn't a pay check and if he got sicker. Like if he wants to stay home tomorrow I would probably say something like "Great you can watch the kids all day, there is a movie I want to go see;)" Tacky I know, but gets the point accross!!!! I am probably giving you bad advice, but that is probably what I would do!!:D

My question is: Why are YOU walking around on eggshells w/ this guy?? I would have confronted him point blank.