Hurt, but I Am the One Apologizing

I agree with everyone that it was his birthday so he should be able to do what he wants. But, I think the thing he could have done better (and you too..) he could have TOLD you what he wanted to do...?? Or you could have asked him what he wanted to do?? ... I think if you guys would have talked about it and you knew he wanted to go fishing on his birthday it wouldn't have been such a big deal. And then you could have still made his favorite dinner or made reservations or something for later that night.

Wow, sorry, but it does sound like you have over reacted a little here. I know you had good intentions and wanted to just make the day special for your husband.

But his birthday is not about YOU or what you want to do- it is about him. If he told you he felt 'partied out' he was being honest with you about NOT wanting a party. Maybe going fishing gives him some down time to just decompress and contemplate things before heading back into everyday life- I know it does for my dad! I mean, it isn't like he went out bar-hopping or to a strip club or something!

Just because he wanted to go fishing on his birthday does not mean he does not love you or his family! You don't really say anything else about your marriage or family situation, so I am wondering if there is more to it than just the birthday??

Bottom line, even if your feelings were hurt- you set yourself up for it! You asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday and when he told you, you didn't like the answer! So you decided to be hurt by it and picked a fight when he got home.

It's unfortunate that you felt left out, but it sounds to me like you didn't express how you felt very well beforehand and then let your anger and hurt feelings simmer all day so you could yell at him!

I do think you should put on your big-girl panties and apologize and let your husband know that you just felt left out- but own up and take responsibility for yourself and your own feelings- he was pretty straightforward here, and it doesn't sound like he did anything wrong.

I love my alone time and I often do things by myself! I have a great family and friends, it has nothing to do with them, it's just what I prefer at times. It has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the fact I don't want to spend time with my fav thing on earth my son or my hubby. It was fishing, it was 'his' birthday - it had nothing to do with his lack of love or caring for you or your son - I think you are making it about 'you'. ;-)

Most of the time, when we get mad about something that in retrospect seemed foolish, there is usually something else underlying the reason why we got upset in the first place. I'm not sure if your feelings were really hurt because your husband didn't give you the opportunity to do something nice for/with him to celebrate his special day, or because maybe you don't like him going fishing (or spending time away from you in general) as much as he does already and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back since it was on a "special" day. You will really need to analyze why this hurt you so much because I would venture a guess it was not solely about this one incident.

My husband used to come to me and say "I'm going to play golf with ...". At first, I was perturbed that he made a plan to do something without checking with me first to be sure we didn't have any conflicting issues. I kept it to myself for a while, but finally I blew up and told him he needed to CHECK WITH me, not just come up and TELL me because what he does with his time affects the rest of his family as well. We got into a big argument about it because he thought I was saying he needs to ASK me if he can do stuff, and my perspective was not that he needs "permission", just that it was insensitive for him to assume leaving me with the kids for 5+ hours when I might have other things that I need to do was alright without checking first. As silly as it sounds writing about it now, it was a BIG deal between my husband and me for a while. I eventually talked to a counselor about it and after really delving deep into why it bothered me so much, I admitted to myself it was because I wanted to go too. I could not have cared less about him going to play golf. That wasn't the issue. The issue was I felt like I was suffocating, always having to stay home with the kids and never getting to go out and do fun things either with him, or on my own. Once I admitted that to myself and my husband, both of our attitudes completely changed. My husband is very good about checking with me when he wants to go play golf or to play pool with his buddies, or whatever, and I am careful to let him know when I'm feeling "neglected" or when I need some time out for myself. It has worked out beautifully for years now.

My point regarding your situation is that I believe there is a chance that you getting upset in this particular instance was a culmination of feelings that you haven't dealt with yet. If you can see now that you over-reacted and that you hope your husband will accept your apology, you still need to try to find the underlying 'cause for your reaction or you can probably bet that you will revisit a similar situation in the future. The onus is on you for instigating the argument, but that does NOT negate that you are feeling hurt for a reason and you need to figure out what that really is.

Good luck!

Blessings,
N.

I can hear how hurt you are, and I'm very sorry for that. How ever, we all have things that make us feel loved, some times that includes time to do what you really love that you can't do at home. Often for mothers day I ask for a day out with a few girlfriends or my mom- when I don't have to be Mommy and all that comes with that. I adore my family, but I need time to just be me! Like wise, my hubby works incredibly hard during the week and does loads of housework on the weekends. This Memorial day we were invited to a picnic at the beach and I really would have loved to do it all together. All he wanted to do was take his motorcycle out for a day long ride. As much as I wanted him with me, I knew that he rarely got to do that sort of thing, so off he went and I beached it alone. He was a very happy man when he got home, and I was glad for him. Yes I missed him, but we both had a good day. That said, I think a nice dinner after fishing would not have been the end of the world!!! You may want to read a book called "The Five Love Languages". It explains how important one thing can be to one person and not at all to another. Really Good!!!

On the other side, I want to share a strong belief I have about fighting fairly. I strongly believe words hurt more then we can think they do. Even though you apologize for them, they are out there and they can't be taken back. We have to be really careful what we say to those we love when we're angry because they are always there afterwards, even if we say we're sorry. I know you were really hurt and angry and you wanted to vent, but I find that venting can really hurt in the long run. I always tell my girls if you wouldn't say it to a stranger who you don't even know, why would you say it to a family member who you love! I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, I've just seen so many marriages fall apart recently because people fight dirty and say things that cut like a knife.

I know apologizing seems unfair to you, but my guess is the fishing was not because he does not care, it's just what meant a lot to him because he loves to do it. Perhaps you can talk about it now that the emotions are not so raw and hear him out and calmly explain how you felt so it can really be resolved!!

I think you over-reacted. I, too, would want to spend my day with DH and DS, but ultimately, it's HIS day and he should get to spend it in whatever way strikes his fancy. And since you say you're coming off of a long weekend, maybe he just wanted some HIM time.
So I do think you owe him an apology. He shouldn't have to feel bad about doing what he wants on his day. I don't think I'd be hurt if my DH didn't want to be with us. I'd just figure he needed to relax.

You wanted opinions...I think you are the only one that needs to apologize... it's HIS birthday, not yours, don't reflect how you want it to be on him... Guys are different than woman, I'm like you and want family around me on my birthday, but that's what "I" want. Fishing??? How many women really like to go fishing? It's more of a man thing. It was his birthday, and if he wanted to relax as he turned 30 there isn't anything wrong with it, you shouldn't let your feelings be hurt, he didn't do anything to hurt you. He just wanted the day to himself, seriously, you should have let him have it instead of ruining his birthday.

I am sorry your feelings were hurt. He should not have "needled" you by saying Happy 30th.. He knew it would get a rise out of you and sure enough it did.

You really lost it and I am sure you regret the outburst.. I am the same way. You need to take a breath and think about the things you said and where did it all come from. Then you need to decide if there were any truth to the threats or were you way out of line with them.

Maybe to your husband fishing is not a party, but a quiet time he really enjoys or needs. I bet he sat out there and thought about where he has been in life, where he is and where he wants to go next..
You said you all had a nice weekend. Be happy with that.

Birthdays are not as important to everybody as they are to others. As I have gotten older, I do not feel like I HAVE to celebrate on the exact date. I have learned to enjoy the time I am in at the moment. I used to be a real , "must celebrate on the exact day all day long with big plans".. I just have not needed that so much for many years now..

Not every body wants to be around people for their birthdays and sometimes we need a break from our families. There is nothing wrong with that.

The bottom line is communication. You had a specific idea of what YOU wanted to do for your husbands birthday and it looks like he had completely different wants. If you could have talked it out last week and pinned him down about setting plans, I think you would have felt a little more in control.
I am sending you peace.

Sounds like there is an underlying issue if you are so hurt over this, mainly due to when your "mouthy self" came out. We've all done something like this at one time or another.......you are not the only one.

I understand frustration but you do have some big time apologizing to do.

It was "his" birthday.

Personally, I'm not a big bday celebrator and neither is hubby, never have. We do things during the year and we don't wait. On our bdays, we pretty much say HB, do something very simple only because we are teaching our daughter to recognize bdays and special days. They do mean a lot to some people so we make sure she knows that some people would be hurt whereas we would not. Of course, our daughter loves to celebrate and we do celebrate big with her.

That said, if my hubby wanted to golf or be gone all day on his day, I would have no issue with it. It does not mean he loves us less.

Nope, I would NOT be hurt. Sorry, but you were out of line. It's HIS birthday! If fishing is his idea of a good time, then he should get to do it!!

Men are not women. They don't usually want to be with their wives and kids all the time. Nothing to be hurt about. And anyway, he had just spent lots of time with you!! You are imposing YOUR idea of a good time on him.

Just because he wants time away from you doesn't mean he doesn't love you. But if you keep up that kind of high maintenance behavior for a few years, maybe he won't. You need to apologize again, vigorously and sincerely, and then adjust your attitude.

And don't be high maintenance. Sorry if this is harsh.

yes it hurts that he went out fishing but on the other hand its his birthday shouldnt he be able to do something he wants. you shouldnt have said those things and you have taken care of that by apologizing. maybe ask him when he would like to have a birthday dinner with you and your son.
my husband works grave yard so we celebrate early or late and that works for us. maybe give it a try and if he declines then to hell with it and let it go its obviously not that important to him.

Honestly, I love spending Mothers Day and my birthday by myself doing what I want, ALONE! Does not mean I love my family any less...It's just a nice excuse to get some alone time. You shouldn't be hurt.

Communication - it's a beautiful thing! You guys should try it sometime.
"I couldn't imagine not spending a birthday with my him and our son."
Well, he can.
That doesn't make him a bad guy. He said he was partied out. Fishing is relaxing for a lot of people. Sometimes catching fish is not even important when you go fishing. You should have had a cake waiting for him when he got home with 'Happy Birthday' written out in gummy worms (fishing theme) and left it at that. Don't sweat the small stuff.

The hurt feelings because your husband went fishing is one thing. The "mouth" is a different thing. Your mouth is your responsibility, and you need not only to apologize for it, but also to figure out how not to let your mouth run off without your brain again. I'm not chewing you out, really - I've done the same thing! But it's tacky.

Some people deliberately ignore their birthdays because they're bothered about getting older, and hitting thirty is a big milestone. But let's say that isn't the case here. Maybe going fishing is what your husband likes to do on his birthday. You know he certainly enjoys it the rest of the time. I wonder if his family has big get-togethers for birthdays and holidays, and, if so, how he likes them. Some people are unused to big to-dos and/or don't know how to do that sort of thing comfortably.

I'm assuming that you both will get to the place where you can talk about this. Try to share with him - because he might not realize - how family togetherness on a special day is SO important to you that you literally can't imagine doing without it. This is not only to help him understand where you're coming from, but also to let him know how you'd like your own birthday celebrated. Ask him if, for his birthday next year, perhaps the whole family could go fishing. Then you'll know what kind of birthday festivity he'd like.

You all don't have to like the same things and feel the same way. You just have to understand one another. It isn't easy but it's more fun than blowing up and being red-faced later!

Hi A., being very sensitive to things like this, my feelings would most definitely be hurt. However, you were right to apologize b/c it is his birthday and it sounds like after a long weekend, all he really wanted as his gift was some alone time w. nature and fish. This would be another story if he hadn't seen you for a few weeks but it sounds like you had already spent the weekend together. Don't take it personally! Sometimes all I want for my birthday is just to be by myself at a spa to unwind. Like I said, I'm sensitive to stuff like this so I totally understand where you're coming from but just take heart in knowing that it was absolutely not personal. and make sure your husband knows you're really sorry so he's not tiptoeing around your wishes on his next birthday!

A.,
I did not read all your responses, wow, some people are quite ruthless. I just wanted to encourage you to not be down on yourself. Marriage is a dance and sounds like there were some silent expectations on both sides here not communicated causing feet to be stepped on. How do you usually spend his birthday? If it was with the things you suggested, it would have been weird for him to not want to do anything that was 'normal' in your tradition without communicating that he wanted to do something different. I probably would have been hurt just due to the fact that things were not communicated at all it sounds like until he walked out to go fishing. Forgive him, ask him to forgive you, and then forgive yourself!!! I will leave you with one thought:

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24

Sounds like you could read the love dare book also...
www.thelovedarebook.com

Relationships can survive the storm when both people are willing to set aside their pride. Understanding that it takes two to make it work properly without competing for status will elevate the respect. Keep in mind that the problem may not be one persons fulfillment, but it may be the other persons expectations that creates the problem. Think about it.

My feelings would be hurt too. However, it is his birthday. If you know he enjoys fishing why didn't you ask if he would like to go? Maybe pack a picnic and you all go together? The best gifts are the one's people get or do because they really KNOW you.

Well, I would be hurt if I were you, too, but then I'd have to realize that it's his birthday and if what he wants for his birthday is to spend some time alone then graciously give him that. He shouldn't feel cornered into celebrating his birthday the way YOU want him to celebrate it. I would always rather spend time with my husband than anyone else or do anything else, but he needs more space than I do and it kills me. I always have to remind myself that he loves me even though he needs a lot of time to himself (he travels out of state during the week and when he comes home he STILL wants time away from me and the kids and I could spend every second with him and be in heaven! When we were dating, he'd help me cleanser the bathroom if it meant he could spend time with me!) The best thing I've done is get some good girlfriends to help meet my social/emotional needs since my husband can't meet them all. One year for my birthday my mom and I went out to lunch and shopping and pedicures and it was SO fun to have that girl time and bond with her.

I'm rambling about my own experiences now, but I'm sorry you feel the way you do -- I totally would too -- but you've got to give him some freedom and stop trying to control how he spends his own birthday! Vent to us or a girlfriend, but leave him alone so he won't be scared of you and want even more time away. I have the tendency to be controlling and bossy. I'm usually nice, but I want DH to go along with my great ideas. I HIGHLY recommend a book called "The Surrendered Wife" that is about letting go and letting your husband control his own life and choices, as difficult as that may be. My sister and cousin read it and it has made a huge difference in all of our marriages (and my marriage was pretty good already, but it helped work out some kinks). My husband used to always thank me for reading that book. Now he's been asking me to read it again :) Like any book, I don't agree with everything in it, but the basic advice given is right on. The book really made me look hard at myself and my actions and recognize where I needed to change. I get what I want WAY more when I'm not trying to force it on him, but simply letting him know what I would like and letting him choose what he does. He actually really wants to please me when it comes down to it, but like any person he gets defensive when his freedom is being taken away. Please read it and see if it helps give you a paradigm shift like it did for me.

A., you sound very selfish and self centered. It was HIS birthday and should have been a day for him to relax and do what he wanted not what you expected him to do. His feelings should be hurt! To play the childish game of "I want a divorce / why are we married" is absolutly horrible.
Believe me why would a man want to be coming home to someone that is that way? I have many hobbies that I do and many take much time and my husband did not complain aboutit he loved to sing and would go many areas to sing with choirs and events. I hated it with 5 children at home but if I wanted the freedom to do my things he needed to do his to relax and be fufilled. Fishing I know is a time of clearing the mind and really not having to think at all and we don't often get to do that -- so at least he is doing something healthy.
Really not sure if my husband would have come home if I did that think he'd of stayed at a motel I again say you are not in High School this day isn't about you and your wants. What if he had wanted to spend the day alone with his mother becasue she had given him birth.

It was his birthday and he wanted to go fishing. You told him your were sorry. Let it go. Make his favorite meal when he gets home from work today and give him a special belated birthday present in bed : )

I have to say what you said to him trumps what he did. What if his response ever came saying "ok lets get a divorce". What then. I do agree him spending his Birthday with you both. This might be one of those things that you both need to take a breath and say sorry to each other. You then can tell him in a calm way that your hurt over him not spending his special day with you. That he can fish because it relaxes him but special days like your 30th only come once in a life time and your disappointed he did not chose you. Let him answer from there.
I would try to not say what you said to him anymore. These kind of things get people thinking. You may have really hurt him also. but I do wish you luck!

Listen I totally understand what an how you feel.But I have put myself in the hubbies shoes. Sometimes it's is nice to have "ME" time. Did you tell him what you did for him when he told u that he was going fishing?
My husband is a very busy person and travels alot. Sometimes when he is home we the family want to go gogo gogo w/him. but he really wants to stay home an relax. I got upset for the longest time. But one day I realized that he just wanted "ME" time. I am not saying that your hubby picked the best day for that. But just try to understand sometimes we say and do all the wrong things and we know it. NOW it is time to say I understand your side and I'm sorry a million times over.

I would NOT be hurt at all. It's hubby's birthday, he should spend it the way he wants. He was upfront and honest with you in admitting he didn't want to do anything. I think you should have honored his wishes.

I know many people think birthdays are very special and should include special celebrations. However, on the other side, many people feel that it's just another day.

I'm glad you appologized to hubby. I'm sure his feeling are really hurt.

Turning 30 can be a hard age...especially for men. For some reason it makes them feel like they are REALLY grown ups now because they aren't in their 20s anymore. Silly, but its the truth. He probably went fishing because it is were he finds solace and can reflect on how he is feeling. You say your feelings are hurt, but IMO you need to put them on the back burner and make ammends. Birthdays are about the person whose birthday it is, not the people who want to celebrate it with them. Put yourself in his place, what if he had said those things to you? Let alone over something as trivial as fishing. Threatening divorce can undermine trust in even the strongest of relationships. How can he feel confident in your committment to him if you behave this way?

I would have acted the same as you did. = ( wrong I know.

All I can say is tell him that you are sorry and that you didn't mean it that
you don't want a divorce. It's just that you felt like he choose
fishing over his family and it hurt you all day.

We all make mistakes. Some people make big ones and some people make small ones. But if we can say we are sorry and learn from it ~ and try to not do it again ~ that's the best we can do.

Trying not to do it again is going to be a goal that you should try to strive for.

I wish you the best.

It's not like you had plans made and he headed out the door. You were wrong to say the things you said. Apologize and get over it. Now when it's your birthday and he decides to go fishing, you can be upset!

Sorry if this is a repeat. I would kinda be disappointed too if my husband wanted to have a solo-birthday. Of course, my husband has a deep and abiding love for fishing too and so I understand where your husband is coming from.

Plus...It is not an anniversary or a child's birthday and so I think if he was asked how he wanted to celebrate and this was his choice, then it can be respected without being further analyzed.

BTW -- We all say things we regret when our feelings have been hurt. I know you have already apologized to him but make sure you forgive yourself too. We all deserve to give OURSELVES a break once in a while = )

Hi A., Sense it was his birthday, he did what he enjoys, yeah he could have handle it differently but hey he's a man. On May 27th my daughter turned 21, and also that day my oldest son was coming down from northern california, any way she went to a place called "Culture Shock" with is a dance school/studio At first I thought a little funny about that, but I realized it was her birthday, and she is a dancer, and friends invited her to go out drinking, but a few days latter I saw her face book wall thanking her friends for the invite bit that just isn't her scene and that dancing is the cure all for everything. I think being disappointed would be normal, but I wouldn't be hurt. J. L

Updated

Hi A., Sense it was his birthday, he did what he enjoys, yeah he could have handle it differently but hey he's a man. On May 27th my daughter turned 21, and also that day my oldest son was coming down from northern california, any way she went to a place called "Culture Shock" with is a dance school/studio At first I thought a little funny about that, but I realized it was her birthday, and she is a dancer, and friends invited her to go out drinking, but a few days latter I saw her face book wall thanking her friends for the invite bit that just isn't her scene and that dancing is the cure all for everything. I think being disappointed would be normal, but I wouldn't be hurt. J. L

I dont know witch is worse being put off for a fishing venture or making the whole dinner and your husband calls and says meet me over at mother she cooked my birthday dinner. So went and he felt like a real jerk cause I left eveything on the table candles and all so he could see it when he walked in the door to our home. He still wont plan anything without asking me first.

Ok so how often does your "acid" mouth come out? Give it a rest girl and let him do what he wanted-did you even ask to join him? He might have said yes but I didn't see that you did that. Now ask yourself-does he come home every night to you and your family? Is he pretty much on a schedule that means there are no other "women" in his life? Doews he do all those silly "honey-dos" we all ask our men to do? Then honey give him the time off and when he gets home why not have something he likes for dinner ready for him-ok just this once is good-after all we are women of the new age! But it helps to spoil them once in awhile.

yes i will ,you can make a special dinner today and buy a small cake and a candle and sing happy birthday and let him know you are sorry for what you say.

Next time ask him if you and your child (or just you) can go fishing with him. I know that would thrill my husband! I hate to fish, but I take a book to read while sitting in the boat.

Men are wired different. Its his bday and he should be able to enjoy it however he wants. You said that you guys already had a long weekend so I am guessing that you spent time together all weekend. He probably just wanted a nice relaxing day to himself. I bet he didnt even realize that you would be so upset. He was probably pretty hurt coming home after a nice day of fishing to have you jump all over him. I dont think that he should applogize but I do think that you guys need to sit down and talk about the situation. You need to let him know why you were upset in a calm and respectful manner. So that this doesnt happen again.

On a side not maybe you should ask him next time what he would like to do for his bday instead of planning his day for him. Maybe next time you could all go fishing together.

My husband has spent is bday in the desert with the guys dirt bike riding for the past 3 years. It doesn't bother me we just celebrate before or after his trip.

Good Luck!

Okay I am kind of against what most of the other women have said. I agree with you 100%. It sounds so much like my husband. I try and do all these nice things on his birthday, fathers day ect and this past mothers day I got NOTHING I repeat NOthing. Why is it it seems like soem men would rather be someplace else then with his family.
I don't know about you and your husband but in my family Birthday's and holidays are family time not to go and hang out to fish. He goes fishing probably once/twice a week why did he have to go on his birthday it is not like it is a special occasions when he goes. ANd why can't you all go fishing together?
SO yes I would also be hurt and want an apology as well. You aren't being selfish for wanting to have a family life vs single life.

I can see how you're hurt, they're your feelings and you can't turn off your feelings. However, it was HIS birthday, so you were right to apologize to him for saying those hurtful things (I, too, sometimes lash out when I'm upset. We're human, it happens.) You said you can't imagine not spending birthday with the people who love you the most. I'm like your husband, actually. I can't imagine having to spend MY BIRTHDAY doing the same mom stuff I do everyday. On MY birthday, my husband knows HE'S got the kids because I'm going out and doing anything I want, whether it's shopping at the mall or having lunch with a friend, whatever. It's MY day. Sometimes I do choose to spend the day with the family and do something together, but it's still MY choice. I don't love then less just because I need a day away from them, and they all know that. Same on his birthday. He can do whatever he wants. If he wants to go spend 3hrs at some electronics store that's fine. If he wants me to cook him a special meal, that's fine, too. We usually do have a cake at some point during the day mostly so our kids can "help blow out the candles". So although your feelings were hurt, I kinda see your husband's point of view on this. Now go give that man a great big hug! (^_^)

He should have said, honey all I wanna do is have a little fun fishing and I'm sure you would have understood, but it appears his "nothing" was misleading. I figure returning at 10p.m. would have been more of an issue b/c there was not much time left in the day to celebrate with you and your son.