Another Dumb Arguement, This One Had Me Laughing Inside...

Hi R.,
Well if you kept the box your husband came in and look at the list of ingredients, usually it will say
Passive-Aggressive...............75% RDA

And this is your classic example.

Luckily, women are at least 75% APA (anti-passive aggressive). So the only way to cut down on your PA diet, is to counteract it with your own APG.

Which is to say, after EVERY single conversation, you'll have to exactly specifically reinterate what was just said. You may have to do it twice to get the full effect.

:)

Yeah, I agree with most of the other mamas here. Your fiance is definitely *hoping* that events will transpire so that 1) he will get to go watch the rock crawling after all but also 2) he won't be the "bad guy" leaving you alone on your birthday. He just hasn't figured out how to pull that off yet. Be a dear and tell him "Hon, you should go watch that rock thingie and take the kids, because I've booked a spa day for myself on my birthday. We can celebrate my b'day later at dinner. " You will come off as the BEST FIANCEE EVER and he will worship you!

Hey R.-
Your man needs to man up to his friend and not beat around the bush with telling him " you haven't decided". He needs to be real and tell him straight up"Look, we're not attending, it's my girl's B-day we already have plans for that day" what's so hard about that? I hate when guys do stupid stuff like that!!

In 10 years time, will this really matter? I submit that it won't.

Tell your fiance that you want him to go to this rock crawling thingy with his buddy. Tell him that you can celebrate your birthday some other day. Pick a day and you'll get a sitter for the kids and he can take you to a nice dinner.

Happy early Birthday!

Why don't you spend the day with someone who truly feels that it is a joy to be with you and celebrate the day you were born? ask yourself this-why is he unable to say it's your birthday and he is going to spend it with you doing something you want to do? Why does he want you to feel small-like you're the bad guy? How could he even suggest observing whatever the hell rock crawling is with the kids in the winter on your birthday? Seriously-what's next? Maybe he can be streamed in via computer and not attend your wedding? Or honeymoon with one of his guy friends?

Sounds like your finance either wanted to leave his options open and still go or change your mind and still go together or wants to cancel last minute claiming "something came up" or "she wants to stay home". Maybe he figures the friend would try to change his mind if he tells him too soon. Or maybe this is a ruse because he has something special planned for your d-day.

Either way just tell him you are sorry you upset him...men and women are different and you would have just told the friend upfront but he is free to handle it however he wants.

I have witnessed my hubby doing the same thing. Men are butt heads sometimes.

The important thing is YOU know you're not going, you KNOW he's not going and you know you'll be doing something for your birthday.

Let him deal with the friend in his own (stupid!) time.

Happy Early Birthday!

That is lame, what a stupid thing to do in this weather, lol. (At least, to me...and most women). He's acting like that because he wants to go watch people climb rocks but knows he'd be "bad" if he left you for your birthday. I say get out of the house and go do something you can all do together (Stone Mountain? Or go watch Chronicles or Narnia or something? Grab some food somewhere?) OR decide to not let it hurt your feelings and send him off to do it without you. Yeah, I understand that would bite and kinda hurt, but I'd rather say "hey, go on and meet up with the guys while I go do ___" than to sit in the house with a pouty guy who's gonna lay the blame for the fact that he's not big enough to tell you he wants to go OR to tell the friend he's not going all on you. Just make sure if you do the latter, that you say "I'm going to do ____" (whatever you think of) so you don't look like a weak girl who will pining for him when he's gone. And heck, it's your birthday. You SHOULD go do something and have a little fun, even if it's just window shopping at the mall, or taking in a museum, getting some coffee with a friend, a movie, or dinner out with the kids. Happy birthday.

Sounds like your fiance wanted to keep his options open.
<<<Oops! Meant to tell you happy birthday! Hope you have a wonderful day after all this!>>>>>>

Lucia is dead on. He was keeping his options open hoping that something will happen so that he can still go.
The something that might happen?...
1) you will TELL him to go, or
2) he can somehow get you to reconsider doing that on your birthday, or
3) some other way that he just hasn't figured out yet.

I don't think it's a "not manning up" issue.. I think he still wants to go and is hoping that somehow, someway, things change so that he'll be able to go without your feelings getting hurt.

Edited to Add (after your 'what happened'):

Not in the real world.
It SHOULD be "on him". But it won't be. In his mind, it'll all be on you. Sorry. (unless you can convince him that you would PREFER that HE went -and took the kids-- and You got to do something else ALONE -- like the spa scenario Kristin described)

Yah, WTH.
Men.
Mine... is like that too.
SO hard-headed and myopic... and WTH.

why are you laughing inside?
i'm not seeing the funny.
he is (again) being an immature idiot, putting you WAY in second (or third) place, and making it all your fault.
we are not amused.
khairete
S.

I read your So What Happened and just wanted to offer you some wise advice. I can't take full credit for this advice because it comes through me from a group of seasoned married ladies I love and respect.

If you really know in your heart of hearts that your man really wants to go with his friends. Find something that you would like to do in celebration of your birthday for either the day before or the day after and really play that up to your boyfriend. This will get you and him both off the hook of expectations. This way he has an out with dignity attached and you can still respect him. I really hope this isn't too late and helps.

Part of being in a couple is compromise. If he is going to marry you, he needs to man up and realize that having a wife and kids might sometimes trump what he wants to do. Bachelors get to do whatever they want. Family men have to choose carefully. Honestly, would he rather you tell the friend "He doesn't have the ability to tell you that it's MY BIRTHDAY and that while he would like to come with you, it's MY BIRTHDAY and he knows I would like to spend some time with him, too"? It sounds like Fiance is a people-pleaser and unable to say "no" when he knows it will upset someone.

Wanting everyone to put on "happy faces" is just temporary. You really need to get to the root of these arguments and find a better way to navigate a FAMILY schedule that's agreeable to both of you. It only gets worse as the kids add more and more of their adventures in the mix. A first birthday should be a no-brainer. How would your fiance feel if you knew he wanted to spend his birthday with you, but your friend invited you out and you went there instead? He'd be hurt, I'm sure.

Also, am I correct that the friend is single? And doesn't have kids? I think the friend needs to also adjust to his buddy's new life and responsibilities. Anybody who continually invites people to things during family-oriented holidays is being rude. I don't expect all our friends to remember our kids' birthdays, but Thanksgiving? Christmas? Please. And any good friend will go "Oh, didn't realize. We'll do it another day." if it falls on a birthday.

It sounds like he wanted to go and was hoping you would feel bad and change your mind. I would have a talk with your finance about not putting you in that position again.

Hi R.,
You are clear that you don't want to go to this event, but it sounds like your fiance had not actually made a firm decision about going or not going when his friend called. It sounds like he might have still been considering going.

Some people have trouble making decisions - they prefer to "leave all options open", which can come across as non-committal and indecisive. When every option is kept open, then we actually are not doing anything but waiting to see what happens next. Then decisions are made for us, which in some ways lets us off the hook in terms of taking responsibility for them.

Or ... he might just have trouble saying no, although by you offering to make the call, you gave him the option to have that stress alleviated.

Either way, it's really not cool for you to be the "bad guy" on your own birthday!

I hear you - your man is climbing the walls, waiting for something fun to do, and maybe keeping his options open in case you want to do something that he'd rather not do. You are being extremely flexible, kind, and generous in telling him he can go without you. (I wonder if that is truly how you feel? Do you really want him to go??)

To tell you the truth, my feelings would be hurt if the man I love chose to do something without me on my birthday. Maybe that's just me.... but it seems insensitive, self centered, and lacking in empathy to even consider going without you on your birthday.

BTW, it's totally reasonable not to want to hang out in the freezing cold with your baby in tow. (I am curious if this is your fiance's son? Does he have children? I'm not sure how long you've been together, but he may not understand how much of a pain it is to cart a freezing cold - and likely a bored - one year old child to this sort of event...?)

I hope he will think of you and what YOU would like to do since it's your birthday. He can put his own needs and desires aside for one day to celebrate with you. That is a reasonable expectation of someone that loves you.

I would be sad if he "blames" you (i.e. R. said we can't come." - that is SO lame! You're his partner, not his mom! If he keeps doing stuff like that, you two may have to have a serious heart to heart ... after your birthday of course!)

I hope he thinks this through and decides he *wants* to stay with you this weekend. I hope, if and when he tells his friend he can't make it, that he will say "I want to spend R.'s birthday with her, and it won't work out for all of us to come this time, but thanks so much for the invitation!" I hope he will *want* to help you plan something special and fun that everyone (including your son, if you'd like) can enjoy. His friend can wait for another weekend to hang out with him.

BUT we can't force someone to want to be with us and to want to create a special day with us on our birthday......

SO..... if he's chomping at the bit to go, and you can tell he will resent missing the opportunity, maybe you can split up the day in some way so both of you can have some of what you want? That may be a good compromise.

This is also an excellent peek into what married life will be like with him.

Just my thoughts! Hope it helps!

Whatever happens, I hope you have a truly HAPPY BIRTHDAY!