Balancing Work and Family Life.

I just wanted to tell you that I felt like I was reading my story the only difference is that I sleep on the couch every night(i have a severly handicapped daughter who needs 24 hr supervision.i have always worked until she was born and now since I am a SAHM he feels i should do everything around the house(cleaning,cooking,taking care of the kids(2 which are severly handicapped 1 with emotional needs),laundry)he always says thats my job.When i say well i want to call in sick or take a personal day he says I don't work so I don't get those days. I can't offer advice but I will tell you that you are not alone~K.

Hi E.,

being a single dad of 3 can be hard enough, but find it to be easier counting on my self than when there is 2 and 1 not pulling there weight when they should want to not because there told to. My kids have chores, but now its just habit and they want to help out and take care of things even when sometimes they don't get paid at the end of the week. perhaps you can get the older kids to start clearing the table and ease into other smaller jobs around the house and that includes the biggest kid of all to support you in this and help around the house, or perhaps you forget to wash only his cloths or only his dinner!!!

God Bless You E.. Years ago I had 5 little ones running around and 3 were in diapers. Like you, I was a full-time mom. I made a list each day of the things that needed to be done. I put the most important things first and stuck to it. What didn't get done, went on the bottom of the list the next day. One day my husband came home and looked around and said, "the floor needs swept." I picked up my list and calmly said, "Oh look honey, 'sweep floors' is number 32 and I am on number 12 right now. If you want the floors swept sooner then that you can do it yourself because It's going to be awhile before I get to it." He got the vaccuum out! Not every hubby will react that way but in my case, it woke him up a bit!
Moms are "HOMEMAKERS" not "housewives." We are not, (as our hubbys want to believe) married to our HOUSE. Homemaking and motherhood takes all of our energy and we only have so much strength. When we get married the two shall become one. Raising a family takes 2 adults not one adult and another child. I used to be soooo tired when I went to bed I resented that my hubby wanted more from me. I finally told him calmly that I simply don't have any energy left at the end of the day and that if he could help me with the kids and cleaning his castle, I would have a little energy left for him! Calm, Cool Communication is essential. It takes years to turn a childish man into a mature husband but it's worth it in the end. My youngest is almost 24 now and I do not regret all the hours I spent taking care of them, playing with them or reading to them or helping them. And I could care less if the floor was swept or not back then. If you can afford it have a cleaning lady come in every other week or once a month. You'll love it. Any one can clean a house but only a mom can raise her own children! Good Luck.

A frying Pan to the head might help....

Is your husband aware of your daughters school problems? I worked nights for awhile and my husband was responsible for the kids from 6pm till 2am. This made him keenly aware of what needs to be done. Find some excuse to dump everything on him for a week or so. If not, get the kids involved. My two and three year olds have to take their plates to the kitchen sink everynight after they are done eating. Get the kids to say something to dad about his lazyneses. If you keep repeating to the kids that they are responsible for cleaning up after themselves eventually they will repeat it to dad.

My husband works those hours too, owns his own business. To be perfectly honest, you need to just embrace the fact that you're lucky to be able to stay at home. Just think of how it would be if you had to work in order to help support your family?? You know what, you'd make it work though. The thing is, you HAVE to prioritize. I am also a stay at home mom, and flip houses as my hobby. So, I have a 3 man crew working for me full time that I have to keep busy, and also am the project manager of the houses we work on. So, I learned early on that I have to figure out how to make things run smoothly before I totally fell behind on my housework. One thing I decided was that it really wasn't that big of a deal if my bathrooms only got cleaned every 10-14 days. Also, as long as I vacuumed once a week, I was okay with that. I began to look at my expectations around the house, and realized that I was overdoing it in the cleaning department. Plus, I started using my crockpot more. I bought a crockpot recipe book and believe me, you can make TONS of different things in it. I also scheduled in down time for me. You HAVE to have time to just sit and relax. This could be reading in the bathtub during naptime, napping during naptime, or while the kids are watching a show, doing something you love, like sew, make jewelry, or scrapbook. I don't expect my husband to do anything around the house. It's important to me that since he works so many hours, he is able to relax as much as possible at home so he doesn't get burned out. So, he takes the garbage out the night before garbage day, and he makes the bed every morning, but that's it. It's different when you stay at home. The stuff at home becomes "your job" and although a lot of men still help out, our husbands are different. My stay at home mom friends' husbands work normal hours. So, they come home and help with dinner, the kids, and house stuff. When you get home at 8-9 at night though, you shouldn't be expected to jump right back in and help. My husband plays video games too, but I look at it as his down time. Video games are his hobby, reading and making jewelry are mine. Without being able to still enjoy things you have always enjoyed, you can get burned out pretty quickly. As far as your daughter that is falling behind. Schedule 30 minutes each day where you sit with her and help her. If this doesn't work, ask around to neighbors and see if any of their kids would be willing to come over and help her for a small fee. I feel your "single mom" frustrations. I feel the EXACT same way!! I actually say that about myself regularly! BUT, I count my blessings that I am able to stay home with my children. I'm willing to take on all the extra responsibilities without complaining because I know that it would be SO much harder if I had to work also. I always say that working mothers are SUPERWOMEN!

Have a sit down with him and explain what's up and what you need from him. I don't know if he'll go for this, but the next time he has a holiday off, have him take care of the kids & leave a typical list of things to do & you leave the house for 12 hours. Maybe he'll get the hint.

I'd tell him that his job is to go to work, yours is the kids. You don't go messing up his work space with your dishes and laundry and you'd appreciate it if he would show you the same courtacy. If that doesn't work, stop doing his laundry and dishes. When he has nothing to eat on and nothing to wear, he'll start taking care of himself.

I have been in your exact shoes. It is difficult to tell a partner as they dont understand your day and you theirs. I would work on getting his help the 2 days he does not work with a honey do list of what you need or things which he can collectively do on the weekend.

Your 6 and 8 yr old are more than capable to help you out. They may do things slower, but once you get them in a routine when they are putting clothes and toys up, it will buy you time with the 3 and 10 month old. If he likes video games, maybe he can watch the younger and help with the 10 month old in a swing and diaper changing. These are his responsibilities, although once they bring home the bacon, they think that is it.

As an adult, I would sit down and tell him your concerns. Mention where to dishes go and also where his clothes go. Really it will only take one time that his clothes dont get washed where he realizes the burden of going to work with stinky stuff on.

When we do a good job balancing the household, it is transparent to him because what you are struggling to accomplish becomes routine for him to see.

You also need time for yourself. You need an escape to the SpA or something. If all your kids are safe, clean in bed and fed.....does your house need to look picture perfect? And at what cost to your insanity. A shocker is when you go grocery shopping and leave the kids with him alone for an hour. That is a dose of reality. What would happen if you were not there, does he realize all would temporarily shut down?

He needs to help you out every day, or he needs to pay for a maid! Being a full time mom is both physically and emotionally exhausting. Go on strike--don't do his laundry or cook his dinner unless he starts pitching in. Make a specific schedule of daily and weekly chores and who is to do them, including the older children. Designate when the TV will be off, and when it is okay to turn it on. Men do respond to tears; this has been scientifically proven. So as you cry, tell him you are completely overwhelmed and if he doesn't help you, you are going to go insane. Don't be afraid to go ahead and hire that maid! Feeling it in his wallet may be just the motivation he needs. And prioritize--help your children first with what they need, and leave the housework for later. Good luck!

Sounds like you're already super stressed with a crying baby all day. This is what I try to do. As soon as my husband gets home and we've eaten dinner, he gets a half hour for games, movies, etc. This shows that you realize he's had a long day and understand his need for a break. After that half hour, I ask him to help where ever needed and he does with no problem. Then he's in a good mood and I'm in a good mood and everything goes smoothly.Hope this helps.

You need to explain that he may go to a job from 8-8 5 days a week, but your job is 24/7. You need a little help from him at times, so you can do things you enjoy. Maybe you can arrange a trade, like he gets to spend certain days doing the things he enjoys and on other days, you get to spend time doing something you enjoy while he watches the kids.

Hi E.,

I agree with Melissa B (well, actually, with much of what has been posted) when she says she is most concerned for your daughter who is falling behind in school. Can DH help her with homework?

You also posted about the baby who cries when you are not within reach, didn't you? This might be a good way to get DH to help with older child, since you need to tend the baby. Your older one won't be able to concentrate if baby sis is screaming, right?

On another angle, can you simplify meals any, or cook double batches and freeze the extra for another day? I have heard of two moms getting together, cooking triple (or quadruple) batches, then eating one that day, freezing another, and swapping the rest. I have not tried this but it might work.

Do your kids help out any? this might be a good age to get them started (the older ones anyway). Ask for hubby's help in setting this up, then ask what chore he wants. Tell him this is a way to set a good example for the kids. (He should be doing that with the supper dishes and the laundry anyway, IMHO).

I heard of someone who, when hubby's clothes didn't hit the hamper, she nailed them to the floor! No, I probably wouldn't do it, but it was good for a laugh!

Please take care of yourself too--exercise, sleep, yoga, "me" time, bubble bath, whatever.

Good luck!

K. Z.

I think there are so many of us moms that are going through this. I have found that the best thing w/my hubby is to just ask him right after dinner to please put the dishes in the sink. Or if the laundry needs put away, I ask him to please put it away. I just tell him that I have had a rough day at home and am exhausted. If he questions me, I just remind him how exhausted he is, when he spends just a couple of hours at home while I'm grocery shopping or whatever. He can relate to that pretty well and is okay to help when I need his help. This works great for us. I used to expect him to see the "work" around the house that piles up during the day but that wasn't a realistic expectation. So, maybe you can just ask your hubby when you need his help, or maybe you can come up w/a chore list where all of you pitch in together (except for your youngest). He might enjoy cleaning up the kitchen with one of the kids?

You said he works 12 hour days which means he is gone 13 to 14 hours a day. Frankly he is tired too. But it doesn't mean he shouldn't put his dishes in the dish washer (if you have one) after a meal and his clothes should definitely hit the hamper not the the floor.
I trained my husband by simply serving all the meals on paper plates with plastic, throw away utensils. He hated paper plates and paper cups. That ended after about a week. He even did the dishes or helped with homework while I did them.
As for clothes, if it doesn't hit the hamper it doesn't get washed and ended up in trash bags hidden away. When he ran out of underwear and socks he figured there was a problem. That ended that mess as well.
You are going to have to talk with him and explain how badly the children and you need his help. First of all because he is a partner at home, and secondly because he is one of the two parents and his children need his help and for him to set a good example.
It that doesn't work go on strike. No cooking, cleaning, etc., from the time the children get home at night until after they leave for school the next morning. They will have to eat cold breakfasts and dinner for them will be over before he gets home and he will have to get his own and clean up after himself.
No housework on the weekends, and this includes laundry. While he is home you do not to housework or laundry at all. Everything centers around the children and your desires and needs.
He will get the message, I assure you. Video games have a habit of disappearing into a void where they can never be found until after he gets trained to play them only after the children are in bed.

Everyone should pick up after themselves. We learn that in Kindergarten. If you were working fulltime outside the home, you would still have to do all this work at home. Well, taking care of children, esp babies, is a fulltime job. Therefore, hubby needs to pitch in. When is he being a father? Did his Dad sit in front of the TV or video game every day? And his grandfather? Was his mom OK with it?

Have a talk with him, let him know that you would like to see him and the children clearing the dishes together. The two older kids should be doing dishes by now- with you and your husband's supervision- one of you can hold or tend to the baby during this. Then, when dishes are done, homework or reading for the older ones, reading books to the younger 2; with no TV on until 8 or 9:00, and even that should only be a couple nights a week. Bathing, brushing teeth, PJS on, picking up bedrooms, saying prayers, can all be supervised by him and does not take long.

Let him know how you feel about his dirty clothes, trash, etc. Tell him nicely, gently and that you are dead serious.
You can ask him how he would feel about setting up a schedule of chores. Or maybe if he would agree to Sat AM house cleanup where all of you pitch in to vacuum, dust, clean bathrooms.

I think that women tend to let men step on them. We are not slaves. It is rude for one spouse to sit while the other is working. You should both be working until you can both sit down.

If he sits down and the jobs have not been done, ask nicely "sweetie, could you please help get these dishes done". Men have a tendency to be lazy and forgetful. They want you to say what you want, so don't be afraid. Video games has ruined a lot of relationships.

If he is getting the night off to play, then maybe you should too. If you like to read or play video games, do it. Show him what will happen if you don't work together to get the work done. You have to be somewhat of an actress to pull it off. And when bedtime comes, well maybe you won't be so attentive to his needs if he is not attentive to yours.

Break the video game , maybe some liquid in it ? Dust the back of the tv with a cleaner and it will quit. Is this what you want to know.....lol, sounds like you got your hands full. Make a schedule that you can live with ie monday laundry, tuesday meals for the week, freezing some, wednesday living room clean, thursday kitchen, friday bathroom, and if he complains say well we could hire help, make sure you put his stuff last on the to do list. Tell the kids to put their plate on the counter when they are done, they can help too. ( maybe the kids will make him look stupid for not picking up after himself. He throws his clothes on the floor, leave them there.) make sure you say to the kids your clothes are dirty put them in the hamper,so i know for sure they are dirty. If you left them on the floor well who can say... Teach them habits that will help you. Put your daughters needs at the top of the list. Instead of getting up on saturday and getting to work plan play time with your kids. The house work will wait for you, tell the hubby if it bothers him that much he should help, make a list, if he doesnt help then it didnt bother him either. Your kids dont care if the house isn't spotless thats not what they will remember when they grow up, it will be the time you gave them and the stuff you did with them.

I skimmed through the responses already given. I honestly believe that you need to find an appropriate time to sit down together and tell him exactly how you feel without being argumentative. Just be honest about your feelings. It may not be easy or comfortable but working on communication is the best thing a husband and wife can do for their own relationship and their family. Everyone gets overwhelmed at times.

Sounds like you two need to communicate. Didn't mention if you've even asked. Men sometimes DONT get it....even though it seems obvious!

Set aside a time w/ a list of things and talk about how you can share, take turns, etc. COMMUNICATION is KEY. Don't assume he is just ignoring. If you approach him, then he can't plead ignornance if he disregards. At least you've made the effort. Sometimes they answer, "Oh, I didn't know!" The male IQ.....a real mystery sometimes!~

Just make sure you follow up with thanks and appreciation. Men need that as well as do we. You need to let him know that you don't like feeling taking for granted, either. You might be amazed at what it will do to ease things around the house AS WELL AS what it will do for your relationship!

You have had some good advice--I would suggest that you have a talk with him about work hours, if he does not co-operate get to counseling--you don't want resentment to get to your marriage. You each need at least 1 or 2 times a week that are yours alone without responsibilities. Maybe 1 night a week he can play video games to his hearts content, and 1 night a week you can go to a class(moms usually need to get out of the house for their time alone!) On the other nights he needs to pitch in and help with the baby or with the older kids and you can alternate which. As others have said prioritize and make a list and the older kids need to be helping with chores and maybe play with the baby in the room with you.

Men are strange beings...despite all the thankless work women do, they have to have all the praise and glory for the one dirty shirt they ACTUALLY BOTHER to put in the laundry basket!! It slays me.

THere are a couple of things I've noticed with my husband. He complained that when I say, "I need your help..." that what I mean is, "I need you to drop whatever you're doing this instant and help me." He's a computer programmer and said that if he's in the middle of something, he needs a few minutes to finish his train of thought and make a note or two so he can come help me. SO - the compromise was - he'll do anything I need help with as long as I'll give him about 10 minutes to get to a good stopping point (as long as he realizes that while he's doing that, the list will get longer).

There are some things that I've had to relax about. Like the "Don't sweat the small stuff...and it's all small stuff" book says, "Make peace with imperfection." The house is not going to be completely spotless every moment of every day. That's something I'd like to have happen, but that's not the reality of it, and with both me and DH working full-time, time with our 2 daughters is more important than running around like a ferret trying to make the house spotless.

There's a website that might help get things "in order": www.flylady.net She's got a LOT of great tips on getting the house away from CHAOS (can't have anybody over syndrome).

Remind DH that many experts consider being a Stay at Home Mom to be the equivalent of 2 full-time jobs. While he may need time to relax and unwind, you do too. Maybe come to some sort of agreement that when he gets home, he gets 30-60 minutes (or whatever you guys agree to) for him to "unwind" and then he needs to help. My husband said this was something that was very important to him - that he have time to unwind a little before helping. SO that was the compromise. He gets to come in, set up his computer, have a snack and/or dinner, get "settled in". Then time to help.

Make sure that you pear down your list of things to what drives you crazy the most: dirty clothes on the floor or helping with the dishes? Helping with the dishes or keeping the kids occupied while you make dinner? Taking the trash out or helping with the laundry? One of those "pick you battles wisely" things.

Just a few thoughts...good luck!