Why Do MEN (Husbands) Not Want to Help?

Have you tried to just simply ask him? Don't say "could you clean the house today while you're home" say "Could you please unload the dishwasher and do a couple loads of laundry and maybe clean the toilets while you're home". I have found if I am specific with my hubby he is more than willing to help. But if I just say "could you clean up" he doesn't know what needs done or where to start.

I understand what you mean! My husband lost his job, and I'm still working. I would come home from work, and after picking the kids up-one from school, and one from the babysitters. I would walk into the house to find him sitting on the couch playing video games still in his PJs. I would get SO mad at him because he spent all day doing nothing. After working all day, the last thing I want to do is do all the dishes, pick up after my 1 year old, catch up on laundry, and try to keep the dust from building too much. After a couple weeks of it, I just stopped talking to him when I would get home. He asked me one day what I was so mad about, and I just started crying and told him that it was too much for me to do on my own. I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't handle it. I told him that I couldn't do everything by myself, and I needed his help. Even if it was just doing dishes once a week, or switching the loads of laundry while I'm at work. Since then, he's been much more helpful....for the most part. Men aren't built for housework, so ease him in slowly. Ask him to do just one thing someday and work up from there.

you need to sit with him and talk...what bills to you pay of his can you stop paying a certain bill? let him know that it cannot continue and he needs to step up and be a man

You knew going in he was not a neat freak and likes messes so now you want a change.
Hire a cleaning lady to come in once a month or every two weeks or if you really want help have a discussion when the house is already tidy and tell him that the kids and you need help keeping up the house. Make a schedule of what needs to be done and when and ask what he is willing to do on a daily and weekly basis and you do the other stuff. Good Luck!!

Not all men are lazy and dirty. So, just remember that when he gives excuses. My husband helps me fold laundry, do the dishes, make dinner, he mops the floor and helps me pick up, and helps get the kids ready for church too. We sit down and talk about how we can help each other out. It's not about the chores, but making the home and family run smoothly so everyone has an equal burden and can have rest from their long days as well.

Maybe you two need to sit down have a long, calm and serious talk on each other's responsibilities. Put it down on paper with an actual list of expectations for both of you, and put it on the fridge. Adjust things so that they are equal for both of you and realistic. Let him know that because he is at home for the majority of the time, then he is responsible for maintaining the home while he is there.

Or, encourage him to get a part time job during the week so you can hire a part time housekeeper to come two times a week. If he doesn't want to clean, then he can get off his lazy bum and work so you can pay someone to clean.

Oh, and your 13 year old is quite old enough to be doing laundry, dishes, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, dusting, cleaning toilets... also

I have a friend who used to have the same problem and she asked me one day how I am making my husband to help. This is what I told her and it worked for her.
Men need to be reminded. Ask him nicely if he can help you vaccuming. Ask him "honey, while I am doing this, can you do this for me please?....." most men don't like to be told. So when you want him to do something, try to ask him instead of tell him. My friend used to expect for her husband to get up and clean the house on his own....no, some men do need a little push or reminders. My husband helps me a lot but even him needs some reminders. I try not to tell him, I ask him instead and he likes that.

You have described my husband. I had the same experience with his messy apartment that he claimed her cleaned when we first were dating. After 11 years, I realize I am not going to change him. When we could afford it, we hired a cleaning person and that helped. I also think you have to figure out a way to split up household stuff. I do not like to cook. My husband is a great cook, so he cooks. Am I ever going to get him to do laundry. . .probably not. Sometimes I get irritated but you have to figure out a way around it. . .there must be something around the house or yard that he is willing to do even if it is playing with the kids so that you can do some housework. As I am typing this, I am in a little disbelief about myself because I have always hated the traditional separation of duties among husband and wives especially when the traditional family has changed so much, i.e. I have a full time job just like my husband. But at some point, life is just too short to get irritated all the time especially if your husband, like my husband, has a different standard of cleanliness than the rest of us.

Unless you think you can change him (and you already said, nothing you can say or do will make him want to clean, so that is imposible) hire a cleaning lady and send him the bill.

He was like this when you married him, unless he promised you that he would change, I don't see how you can expect it now. I married a neat freak, and I knew I could not change that, but my solution is the same as yours, I hire out what I cannot do my self to make the house comfortable for him, and I let him do his own laundry, so that it is just so. I am not as concerned with the mess as he is, but we manage to understand each others comfort zones, and found a compromise that works. If you nag him, he will just resent you, so approach it like you would anything else that you are not emotional about, and just say, I like it neat and clean, and I am not comfortable living in the mess, and I know that you are not up for learing to clean like I do, and I cannot do it all myself, so I want to hire this out... Put it to rest, and don't carry it around in your resentment bag, you can get on with enjoying what ever it was that you liked and loved about him besides the one trait that you can't tolerate, but bypassing it altogether and being honest and non judgemental about each of your streanths and weaknesses.

M.

I have this issue too, not quite the same but one thing I have learned it that Men are not in tune with whats going on around them. It seems as though you have to point out to them what is obvious to us. You may be running around, picking up, cleaning, cooking, and they will not notice that maybe they should just say, "do you need any help". I hate this, but it seems thats the way it is. You have to break it down to them, like kids!

Hire a housekeeper.

I love the cleaning lady idea, I hope that fits into your budget! Of course you can't change his basic personality, but you can tweak it! I'm guessing you have had many discusisons and asked him a lot for help, so I think another conversation will fall on deaf ears.

This sounds a little manipulative, but this is a different way to start things off. And I hate to say to treat men like kids, but hey- if they act the part.... find an instance where he does something helpful (you may have to look very HARD, but find something, even if it's tiny- put underwear in hamper, not floor, put a dish in the sink or ran water over it, etc. think small). Then thank him a bunch for it. ('thanks so much for soaking that dish, I totally appreciate it!"). Start like that, and for goodness sake don't add things like "see, was it that hard". He will figure out that he likes that better than what he probably considers nagging. You may find that he helps out a bit more.

Even if that may not work (it does take time, though) hopefully enough time will have passed that you can bring up the subject again in a fresh way. And ask him what he thinks. Don't just tell him he has to help, ask him how he would like to help. Again, like talking to kids- maybe read a love and logic book and apply it to him!

I know so many can relate, and it is frustrating. I hope you find the help you need one way or another!

I've found that men need specifics, and with my own DH, it helps to ask him to do XYZ each day instead of just saying, "I need more help." I know how you feel, because DH will allow dishes to pile up for 3 days before he will do something after I say something to him about it. I think many men just are not that detail-orientated and honestly don't think about dust on the baseboards and stains in the sink. It's not on their radar.

I would have a talk with hubby and tell him since he is not working during the week, and you are, there is absolutely no reason why he cannot learn to clean up around the house. Leave him a written list each day if you have to. Remind him that no magical house-cleaning fairies visit your house. You have enough to do without being expected to keep the house in order too. Otherwise, you have no choice but to hire someone to clean the house - now the ball is in his court, and he can decide if he is okay with paying someone to clean his house, or if he will save money doing it himself.

I know exactly where you are coming from - I work full-time (3 overnight/weekend shifts a week, totaling 40 to 45 hours) and we have a 3 year old. DH has been out of work and has decided we are better off having him be the stay-at-home parent rather than put DD in day care. But it is frustrating to watch him sit around all day watching TV and playing on the computer rather than spend 10 minutes vacuuming the rug and putting dishes away. I've had to get firm with mine, but I've also found that thanking him for ANY small thing he does (especially without me telling him!) goes a long way too.

It sounds like you are not going to be able to force him to do what you want.
Have you tried sitting down with him and telling him that you need his help? Explaining that you cannot do everything yourself and would he be willing to help? Ask what he would be willing to do? Men like to help damsels in distress, but do not want to be told what to do. I have found it to be more effective to present it as my problem and ask for his help in solving it. If you are getting no where with him, then hire a cleaning lady to do what you need done. The power play of not doing for him is only causing stress and resentment. Men are not women and they do not do things like we do. We just need to figure out how to get them to want to do what we want them to do ; )

Have you guys ever spoken about what each one of your responsibilities should be, and come to an agreement on it? My husband and I have very traditional chores...but we like it that way. I am basically in charge of the inside of the house, he is in charge of the outside and anything that requires a tool and/or ladder! It works for us. Sometimes having some "set in stone" roles will help so neither of you are guessing on who should be doing what?

To paraphrase your title, why do women expect the men they marry to become someone else? Never has worked yet! We do well to enter relationships with our eyes open.

I speak as a divorced woman who had this absurd expectation the first time around ;-). I learned, and made a better choice the second time.

Sounds like you need to have a long heart to heart with him. Maybe start with a letter so you can get everything out that you want to say. Let him read it and then talk about it. Tell him what you expect from him as a husband and equal provider for your children. Explain that you both need to be doing housework. I've come to the conclusion that for the most part, women are neater/cleaner then men. Men would let the house become a total wreck and filty before they clean it (not all men, but a lot). That being said, with him having weekdays, I'd ask him to help since you are gone and it's much easier to do while the kids are not home! My husband works the same schedule as your husband and does the dishes, makes dinner, runs the vaccuum occasionally and will make our bed and do laundry (wash/dry but not fold or put away). He also does all the yardwork in the summer. That being said, it would be great if he helped wash the floors, clean the bathroom and dust, but I think with all he does, it's an equal compromise for me to do those things. If there is something specific I'd like done before I get home, I just leave him a note asking him to do it.

My husband and I had a heart to heart about this about a year ago. Turns out we had different expectations of when the house should be cleaned. I came from a family where we cleaned every weekend. He came from a family where they cleaned when it was evident that it needed to be cleaned. So we both agreed that our idea of 'when' it's necessary to clean is different. Ask him what he'd like to help out with. Maybe he hates to clean up or do laundry but will tidy up the kitchen and vacuum every week.

It all starts with a conversation....

I can't speak to most men but I do know that with my man, if I want something done I need to ask him specifically. I used to get upset that he did just know what needed to be done and help with it but I've gotten over it- it's not a big deal for me to ask. It's also much harder for him to continually tell you "no, I won't do that" then to ignore your non-specific pleas for help. The next time you have 2 things you need done- say dinner dishes and kids baths- just tell him "The dinner dishes need to be done and the kids need a bath- which did you want to do?" this reminds him hopefully that you two are a team and you need him to play too.

I love the idea of asking him to get a part time job to pay for a cleaning lady. Make a list of all you do, childcare, chauffering, cooking, laundry,cleaning,working, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, taking kids to dentist, dr., calling to make those apt., helping with homework, take your time thinking of everything! tell him you cant do all and be a good mother and a good wife. since he can't help you, cant launder the towels, vacuum, or mop, cant clean the bathrooms, empty the dishwasher etc. you need him to get a part time job so you can hire help. IF he is fine with that go with that plan and enjoy it IF he dosnt want to do that he needs to take half the things off your list (yes! half cuz he wont always do a great job and you may to finish something so don't start with less than half.) Write it on a chart and remind him of his list. When he does pitch in and help Say WOW I have so much more energy tonight and am in such a great mood and can go to bed EARLY wink, wink,........
My hubby has learned that helping more around the house is an aphrodiasiac to women(SP?)

A dry erase board and print big. This is what you need to do and give a time constriction and say please and thank you at the end of your request. If he ignores you after that. Tell him he either helps clean or he pays for a housekeeper and have names of agencies and prices at the ready. Should wake him up!