Bad Reputation for Working Moms

You have to do with what works for you. I did not work because it would have taken every penny I made to pay for childcare and it was what we as a family decided on. Not what other people did or said.
C. B

I know I am walking into a lion's den by responding to this, but I think something needs to be said from the point of view of the type of women you are talking about. I am a very proud SAHM, and wouldn't have it any other way. From my point of view, I don't think mom's who work because they want to are necessarily bad mom's, I just think it is a bit selfish. The way I see it, our bodies create these precious little people who depend on us to keep them alive inside of us for 9 months, and then squeeze their little bodies out of us and into the world. That is no small thing. So, I don't understand the idea of women going through pregnancy and childbirth all to hand the babies off to someone else to care for so that they can be "happier" people, making money doing something far less important than raising the child that came out of their bodies. After all, your boss can replace you in a micro-second at your place of work, but you can never be replaced as "Mommy." I hate to speak for other moms who believe the same way I do, but I think for the most part we are not judging you as bad moms, but really thinking of the children who get dumped in daycare with sometimes 20 more kids, to be "cared" for by maybe 2-3 people who can't possibly tend to each child the way they need. In my opinion, daycare providers cannot give the love, attention and guidance that each individual child needs as well as the child's mother can. I suppose what I am trying to say is that we give birth to children, and it then becomes our JOB to be Mom. Not, full time working, part time Mom. I do understand when situations arise and women believe they have no other option but to work, but I also think there is always another option besides daycare. You just have to be creative, and willing to sacrifice anything for your children. As far as feeling judged, I have been judged as submissive, and overprotective for wanting to stay home to care for my kids instead of sending them to daycare, which in turn judges my husband as as a controlling man who wants me "barefoot and pregnant." This is sooooo not true. He is a wonderful man who takes pride in working hard to take care of his family. So it really goes both ways. I think this will be a battle that will never be won by either side, but each will always have very strong opinions about the whole topic.

I'm a SAHM and I don't think there is anything wrong with being a working mom or SAHM or WAHM, it's whatever is best for YOU and YOUR family. Like the others suggested, your best bet is just to ignore them - let it go in one ear and out the other. But if it's that hurtful, I don't think there is anything wrong with calling them on it either. "I resent your comment that I 'have to' put my child in daycare. I work because I love it and it makes me a better mother and my son loves daycare."

On the other side, I've been criticized for being a SAHM by working mothers who say things like, "I don't know how you don't get bored and lonely. It must be terrible to only be around kids all day." On the contrary, I'm not bored, I have lots of friends (both working and SAHM) and I adore being with my children. It's not just working moms who have to deal with a bad reputation. It's my choice to stay at home with them, just as it's YOUR choice to work and be the best mother you can be. Just know that you are doing right by your family and in the end, that's all that matters.

Lucky you, you have what I consider the ideal situation! Some time to be adult while your child gets socialized! I think all you need to say is that it was the right decision for you and leave it at that. Whatever your decision, if you are happy with it, it doesn't matter what other people think, except that on some level I have to wonder if you are happy with your decision ONLY because you are so burdened by these comments.
Before I left my job, thinking I was coming back, I had a co-worker that constantly told me that she didn't think you should have kids if you couldn't stay home. I told her that I didn't know if I wanted to stay home and that frankly, if she was so desperate for my position that she get there by being a team player and learning my job as well as possible, not merely hoping I would leave!
Just tell people you love your situation and show your happiness! Who is going to argue for long with an obviously content person? Not many people.
Good for you and good luck!

C.- I am so sorry you have to listen to shallow un-informed women who belittle your choices. Child care can be a very important step in a child's life. Children do learn to be social, caring, and better prepared for kindergarten. I have had my children in a quality facility since they were 4 weeks old. I have heard all the pity comments but, I often compare my children to those who were not prepared for school and let me tell you....my 7 year old loves school, loves to read is actually reading 2 grades above her own and my 5 year old is fun and happy and very social.
The key is a quality center! I personally think it makes me a better mom because I enjoy my kids more and they know it! I don't try to push them outside so I can take a break, or put them to bed early so I can watch tv, I spend quality time with my children and they spend quality time with teachers who love them and friends they have grown up with.

Again- I am sorry and don't let anyone tell you what is best for your family.
H.

Hey, Sara Jessica Parker was just on The View this morning talking about how blessed she felt to be a working mom and how it made her a better person and a better mom. Perhaps it's time to find new/different friends if you're feeling abused by the comments of others. There are just as many people who support the concept of a working mom as who don't, it's probably that they're too busy to comment! It's your life, you get to decide what's best for you and your family - not outsiders. It's not worth letting other opinions bother you is it?

Wow-C., You couldn't have said it better. I would say that you and I have the same situation. I too spend years going to school and then grad school-doing this not only for myself but for my children, family, and to be an example to my kids. I do not have to work but chose to work and therefore, have also chosen to send my 3 year old and now my 3 month old to daycare 2 times a week. My 3 year old LOVES school and has learned SO much, not just academically but socially and emotionally. My 3 month old is well taken care of and he too gets to learn to be social and play. I do feel that I am a better mother and can provide more and lead by example for my 2 boys. I do respect mothers that get to stay at home or have to stay at home with their children. I am a true believer that each mother, each household, each family makes the choice that is right for their family. As for advice to you-you shouldn't have to defend, explain, or feel badly about your decision (although I have done all of them)to work. Know in your heart that this is what YOU believe is best for your two beautiful children. I do have to say that the time I have with my boys is precious and definately full of good quality time!

Believe in yourself as a mother and once you do, you will not have to even think about defending yourself!

I am on the flip side of what you describe. I am a stay at home mom, that is what is best for me and my family. I have had rude things said to me by working moms along the lines of how I do nothing all day. Here is what I think. Those people out there who feel the need to tear down the choices of others are not happy with thier own life decisions. I am happy as a stay at home mom. You are happy as a working mom. My life choices work for me, and yours work for you. As long as our children are happy with thier situations, they we have nothing to worry about. I usually ignore the rude comments of others. They dont have to live in my home, walk in my shoes, or live with the choices I make. My best advice is to not let it get to you. If you do, then you are giving validation to thier negative feelings and second guessing what is right for you. If there is one particular person who constantly attacks your decision than feel free to tell them to lay off because they dont have to live with your choices. Good luck, and please know that you are not alone.

I identify with your story very well--except that I don't really have a choice about working. Most working moms don't have a choice, and the comment should be, "I think it's too bad that our society has gotten to the point where couples have to have two incomes in order to make it these days!" I am also able to work from home fairly often, and my four year-old has been in day care since about 18 months. He is well-adjusted, well-behaved, loves to be home, loves to be in preschool all day, and I see no "harm" to him at all. Like you say, what's best for the family is what's best for the child. As mothers we should all band together and do our best to promote family values at home, in the workplace, at day care, at school, etc. We should never berate another mom for her choices or her circumstances...isn't being a parent tough enough without some understanding from other parents?! In many ways day care has taught my son discipline and respect in ways that I never could have, and that offsets anything that he lacked by not being home with me full time. And in many ways, I wish I could have been home with him full time, but life doesn't always give us exactly what we want. We make the best of it, and we certainly shouldn't judge others for their choices or circumstances. I'm glad you feel so confident in your decision; I wish all mothers that same confidence!

Just ignore them. I'm a SAHM, but I still enrolled my kids in pre-school/daycare at 2yrs old because I knew they would benefit from it. There's no right or wrong answer when it comes to raising kids. Doing what works best for your family is always the right answer for you, even if it may not be for another family. I'm thrilled that I'm able to stay at home and not work, but I have lots of friends that went back to work and they're perfectly happy with wonderful, well-adjusted kids. If you know in your heart you're doing what's right for you, don't let anyone make you second-guess yourself.

I know how you feel! I went back to work for partially for the money... we closed on a new house like 1 week before finding out I was pregnant. My mother-in-law tells me all the time that i need to stay home with the baby and my husband needs to work more hrs. In my opinion he needs daddy time too and it would be wrong for me to expect my husband to work all the time. My mother-in-law still stays at home and her kids are in highschool. They barley get buy on her husbands check and the house is still a mess all the time. To me that is wrong. I guess we all have our opinions though.

Thank you so much for this post! I'm expecting my first and I plan to work, though I'm still figuring out the specifics. It sounds like you have a great situation that works for you and your family and I'm glad you shared it.

I am a SAHM and you are right there is nothing wrong with putting your child in day care, a lot of SAHM's put their children in for a few days so their children can get the same experiences that you described for your son, and when you hear comments like that just ignore it, who cares what they think, you are doing what is right by your family, and i can almost guarantee that a few of those moms envy you for "having it together" enough to manage both. I don't know how working moms do it, I wished as woman we would quit bashing each others choices and just relish the fact that woman are able to make them. So next time you hear that comment just leave it alone and move on, you will never change some parents minds.

As a daughter, mother and grandmother, I want to tell you to ignore any negative comments made about whether you work or not. My mother worked full-time when I was a child because she had to, but I never felt deprived or cheated. She spent a lot more quality time with me than any of my friends got from their moms who stayed home all day! I had a fantastic childhood and enjoy a very close family to this day. My mother came home from work each day, made a wonderful home cooked meal and we all sat around the dinner table and talked to each other! On weekends she got up and made a wonderful breakfast and we sat together at the breakfast table. She worked very very hard to make sure that she got enough quality time with us because that is what she wanted for herself. She taught all three of her children to cook, and she was a superb cook. She taught my brother how to sew on a button, or mend a shirt. He still makes the best cookies out of the whole family! We learned to knit and crochet together from a book on weekends. She taught me to be a good housekeeper. But, most importantly, she taught me that family comes first!

We had a blast as a family, sometimes laughing so hard that we would cry. And she was always there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, most of the time she ended up crying with me. I applaud my working mom for what she taught me, and for who she was and who she taught me to be.

I had one friend constantly crying to me because she felt like her mother didn't love her. (I didn't think her mother loved her either, but I couldn't tell her that) I had another friend who never saw her parents even though her mom stayed home and didn't work. Their social life was much more important than their children. Their stay at home mom's spent no quality time with their children at all. I did have some friends with mom's who did spend quality time with their children, but none was as fantastic as my dear old mom.

So, just because someone is a stay at home mom does not mean that they are a good mom. And on the other hand, just because somebody is a working mom does not mean that they are a bad mom.

You sound like a fantastic mom who cares deeply about her family. Keep up the good work!

Anyone who has the nerve to judge you doesn't deserve your concern for what they think. I happen to be a SAHM because I NEVER really wanted to be anything else. I got criticized when I was single because I moved from one type of job to another and never really had a career, but that's not what I wanted for my life so I didn't let it bother me.

I feel very strongly that we have these hopes, dreams, and strong desires in our lives for a reason and to let them go just because someone else thinks you should be more practical or more traditional or just plain more like them is denying the dreams that God gave you to be the best person YOU can be. If you want to have a career AND be a great mom, then do it, I'm sure you're doing just fine. There's no such thing as only one way to be a good mom or even a good person. Everyone has to follow their own heart because at the end of the day what really matters what you and God feel are best for you and your family. The only other people whose opinions should matter are your husbands and your childrens.

I really hope that this helps you feel better and more secure about your decisions for your and your families lives. You're doing great and I'm sure it'll only get better from here. Take care.

Right On! I have a 9mo old son who is on the waiting list at a day care that I feel will be wonderful for him. My husband and I could make the no-daycare life work, but we just feel our son needs the benefits that daycare provides. I have received similar comments to what you have been experiencing, and honestly, it makes me feel horrible. However, I know what is best for my family better than any aquaintance. My advise is just to stay strong and listen to your intuition...

L. :)