Attachment Parent Leaving 12 Mnth Baby for First Time

There is no way that your daughter is NOT going to be traumatized by your disapperance, because at this age out of sight means gone for good. And since she has not had any time away from you at all, in 12 months, 24/7 if I understand you correctly, she is going to be very, very confused.
Skip the seminar this time around, see a counselor, get the book or the tapes or the video (Not trying to sound flippant, just there must be some way to get the help and the info.) Try Kundalini yoga.
Start now helping her to develope her independence, try detaching from your girl for 15 minutes, then 20 minutes, then 30 minutes, then 40 minutes, etc., every day. Begin working on moving her out of your bed and that may help your marriage - I know it did ours :).
Just from reading your message, you come across as someone who enters into things in a very whole hearted fashion - attachment parenting, self help. Trying to learn moderation and balancing your needs with your husband and then your children's - that is something all wives and mothers need to figure out. The core of a happy family is the relationship between the husband and wife, that is the Sun, if you will. The children are the planets that circle it.
Good luck.

I have first-hand experience with this so please read on. I wouldn't do it. Our kids are small for such a short while! Even though it doesn't seem that way at this time, your daughter will be starting kindergarten before you know it. Attachment parenting is a decision we make and it is a long-term commitment. If you had to go into the hospital for a few days, of course you would have to leave, but barring an emergency, mother and baby are a unit, and they are meant to be a unit. Especially at the age of 12 months, when babies are starting to realize their own autonomy, and fears and separation anxiety can start to develop, I wouldn't risk it. It isn't that she would be in bad hands, because she would not. But you are her mommy. You are the one. You are it. And you are breastfeeding! And co-sleeping. Of course it will be traumatic for her, and I think you know it will, because nobody knows your daughter like you do.

We always have work to do on ourselves. That is an ongoing journey. As we get older, we just become more aware of it. And life and marriage do have ups and downs. We live in a "me first" society, and you can see the results of that everywhere in this country. You do not need to go away to work on yourself. You said that you have the opportunity to go to a self-help seminar. Is it free? I doubt it. So it isn't an "opportunity", it is a consumer product you would be purchasing.

If you decide to go, I'm sure your daughter will live through it. You may even end up seeing it as beneficial. It just seems like a bad time to deviate from your commitment to attachment parenting. Undoing a lot of what you have done. One night or even two might be okay, but 5 nights and 7 days is a lot. I speak from experience as the mother of four. When my first was 11 months old I went away for a long weekend and left him with my husband (a good dad) and my mom. BAD IDEA. I really felt I needed the time away, but if I could go back and do it over again, I would never have gone. I could tell it changed him. He is now 23 and he was my most anxious and sensitive child, things I did not see in him before I went away but that were there forever after. You can bet I didn't make that mistake with the other three. It didn't ruin him or anything, but it did affect him and change his basic nature. It absolutely did.

All of the ladies who are urging you to "do it for you" are well-meaning, I'm sure. Just consider all the ramifications. If it does affect and change your daughter, are you prepared to live with that knowledge for the rest of your life? You want to talk about a head trip? Nothing is worse for you, your psyche, your peace of mind, than mommy guilt. Just something to seriously consider.

I wouldnt go. Your baby is only a baby for a short time and this is what we do as mothers. There is a period of time that your baby comes before everything and you just have to sinch up and power through it. We,as women, are the most loving and nuturing beings on the planet yet tough as nails. We are the only creatures who are the center of every household. Hold your head up and wait for your needs when baby is a bit older. This is your job.

Wendy

You have made your baby to dependent on you and you on her. By 12 months they should not be waking every 3-4 hours. That is not good for them or you. If you want to make changes this may be a good idea because your husband and mother may be stonger for the challege of getting her to sleep with out nursing and sleeping through the night. But if you are going to jump right back to the same old then it's not fair to her. If you enjoy the nursing and waking and sleeping together then keep it up but commit 100% until she no longer needs it. Best of luck but as a mom I know it's nice to have time for myself and with my hubby and I would never do it at my childs expense so I created the enviroment that worked for us.

Hi E.,

Wow. It sounds like you are putting a lot of energy into being a good mom! You must need a break. If she is a "high needs" baby and you are a "nervous wreck" about leaving her then both of you are probably having a hard time getting calm together around this idea of you going away. If you can generate feelings of calm and confidence in your decision then you are in a great place to introduce the idea to her. Introducing the idea to her may sound crazy, but it is really important. Babies understand so much more than they're usually given credit for. When you're feeling very calm and confident about your decision you are then ready to prepare her. When you're not calm or confident then she will feel those feelings and will not be "ready" in that moment to be prepared for your departure cause then your departure would be equated for her with a lack of calm (which, in this case would equal fear). When you're in the right state begin talking to her about it. For example, "You and I cuddle together at night. Some nights you will get to cuddle with daddy." Start simple, go over the story a few times and the next day (or if you have time, tell her this much for a few days), when she's had a chance to imagine and digest an idea like that tell her, "Mommy's going to go bye-bye for a few days. Mommy will sleep in a diffent bed. You will cuddle with daddy. You will feel his furry chest. You will sleep with daddy for a few nights. I will come back home. You and I will cuddle and cuddle together." Babies need to know what to expect. It's best to keep the ideas simple and sensory (or body focused as babies are feelers not yet thinkers). Part of the goal of attachment parenting is to help a baby understand that they are safe and well cared for in this world outside the womb. We all like to know what to expect and for babies the world is a pretty unpredictable place so anything to help them develop ideas and pictures in their heads about things unknown helps them to feel safer. I hope it goes great for your whole family. Please let us know! - K.

To be honest, I would probably put this trip off for awhile. That would be a pretty abrupt change to your daughter's life and might be sort of traumatic, since she's not quite old enough to understand that you'll be gone for a few days and then be back. I did the attachment parenting, too, (and it seems we are very similar in how our daughters nursed, etc.) and I do not think my daughter would have done well at all. I would put this seminar off until she's a little more independent - wean her off the nursing all night and increase the length of time you're gone. You could even go out in the evenings a few times, and let your husband put her to bed, then come back - I've learned from experience that if I'm in the house, she still wants me (and she's 3 now!) If I'm gone, he has a chance :o)

That said, I would try to find some things to do by yourself - to get you some "me" time and decrease that feeling of being burnt out. Get a massage, take a class - do something just for yourself. I'm definitely an advocate of finding something to do for yourself - I would just postpone this trip a little longer. Then again, that's me - you know what's right for you and your family! :o)

I just wanted to wish you the best.. and bravo to you for being an attachment parent and nursing.

Now, do not feel discouraged by anyone critiquing you for your manner of Parenting. I raised my babies that way too.

Second, in our culture....the focus is always on "detaching" a baby/child as fast as possible, making them "independent" and not reliant on the Parent. Everything is wean quick, no pacifier, no loveys, no comfort by Parents, crying it out to sleep, no thumbsucking, no bottles after 6 months old, no nothing to "comfort" or to help soothe a baby. In other cultures, the nurturing "attachment" process is longer and more sustained and beneficial for the baby/child, and produces strong independent confident children.

Third, have faith... have belief that all will be okay. Have your Hubby and Mom be around at night to acclimate your girl to their presence and "help" with her daily routines,BEFORE you leave.
Sure, there may be bumps in the road...but a baby is also very resilient. She will be fine. She is 12 months old...and in the years ahead, she will not "remember" this nor your absence. It is just the "now" that they know.

All the best, you are taking care of yourself...do not feel guilty for that. Before you know it... you will be back... it will be okay. Just make sure your Hubby & Mom are instructed by you about any details you want them to know and do, for the care of your girl. They are great for helping you.

take care,
Susan

E.,

As an AP Momma myself (co-slept/breastfed both for 2+ years). I understand how you feel and what you and your daughter will go through if you go on these retreats. I am NOT going to talk you out of going because it sounds like you need to go. I would not have been able to leave my kids (during the co-sleeping/nursing stage) but then again, I never needed to for the sake of my health. That is why I won't tell you what I would do in your shoes, because I don't know. I do know that it will be hard for both of you but you'll both survive. If you leave breastmilk and pump while you are gone then the nursing relationship shouldn't suffer. It may hit a bump but if you want to continue to nurse than that shouldn't be a problem. Two huge positives that I see are, 1) you are taking care of yourself, thus you'll be a better Mom and Wife and 2) this is a great confidence boost for your husband - getting to be in charge w/out you around. He'll have fun, he'll bond, etc.. Assuming he is totally up for the challenge, as it might be hard, then again, w/out you or your boobs around, it might actually be easier on her (falling asleep w/out you) but who knows, everyone is different!

I apologize that I don't have any "been there/done that" advice. I'm sure you'll get some great responses here. You are lucky that you can leave her w/a SuperDad and your Mom. It sounds like she'll be in great hands. So if you go, do your best to relax so you can get what you need out of the retreats.

I wish you the best,
M.

Hi E.-
We attachment parent in our home too. I am a SAHM, co-sleep, and nursed for 28 months. Our little one never took a bottle and like yours was up 3-4 times a night only to be soothed back down by nursing. My poor husband was not getting much attention from me as our baby was very high needs and as you know when you nurse so often the thought of someone else "needing" you besides the baby makes you kind of unfriendly at times.
When our daughter was 11.5 months old my DH was awarded with a 5 day trip for two to the bahamas for meeting his goals at work. I had no desire to "get away" without the baby but I knew it would be really good for our marriage and a little refreshing for me no matter how much I missed the baby.
To prepare for the trip I had my mom come over and co-sleep with our daughter with my DH and I in another room. The baby went down for the night easily with my mom but she cried hysterically 2-3 times the first night. The second night was hard as well but the third night we didn't hear a peep from the other room. My mom said she didn't cry a single bit while we were away and slept well every night. I pumped 4-5 times a day while we were on the trip and when we returned went right back into nursing and co-sleeping.
The trip was wonderful and I don't regret it one bit.

By the way my mom distracted the baby with books and if needed her favorite baby einstein dvd when she was crying too hard the first two nights.

I'm sure everything will turn out just fine. You are a wonderful mommy and you are doing something good for your entire family. Best of luck!

G.

E.,
i know how hard this can be. my kids are 8 and 11 and i still have a hard time being away from them. however, you have to sometimes. i know attachment parenting is very rewarding for the mommy and can be good for baby too, but there are some draw backs too. they need to learn to be independent from you to a degree. when she does go off to kindergarden it may be harder on her than it has to be, unless you choose home-schooling, which is fine.. but think of her, she needs relationships out side of you too. as she gets older she will have to make decisions on her own. hard ones. part of your job as her mom is to teach her how to be her own woman, and equip her to make those difficult calls in her life. it's not too early. that dosent mean abandoning her and letting her stumble through her toddler years w/o you but sometimes we dont realize that the choices we make now can affect the future.Have you talked to your husband about how he feels about this parenting style? is he fully on board? does he feel left out? you have to remember to take care of that relationship first because someday the kids will be all grown up and moved on but you and your man should stay together forever. with all that said, i do think that the two trips are a bit extreme considering you've never left her before. if i was you i might skip this one and start getting out once or twice a week alone and also with your hubby, maybe even a weekend away with him might do you both some good. and then she can get used to you being away for short periods. moderation is usually the best rule.

Hi E.. Another AP mama here. I'm going to weigh in on the side of not going at this time. If you hadn't been doing the AP baby-wearing/co-sleeping thing, maybe it would be fine because your daughter would be used to sleeping in her crib and taking bottles regularly, and also your comings and goings. I really do get where you're at--my son nursed every 3-4 hours at 12 months also, I made all his baby food (organic) from scratch, and there were times when he would cry if I left the room. But now at 22 months he's the most confident, curious, out-going kid, he really is. He nurses in the morning and at night, and that's it. 3 nights a week I teach a yoga class at 8:30, I walk out the door at 8 after getting my kisses and hugs from my son and my hubby, there are no tears, no anxiety at all. After a little while he'll tell my husband "bed", and they get in his bed, Daddy tells him a story and he goes to sleep, no sippy cup or bottle or anything. I guess what I'm trying to say is that although it is exhausting, AP works if you can hang in there. What I would HIGHLY recommend is that you get your mom or a sitter you really trust to come over for a couple of hours a few times a week so you can start to take better care of yourself, and your daughter can get used to short absences and your quick returns. I have an amazing sitter who is with my son monday-friday from 2-4 so I can take a yoga class. I didn't start doing this until he was 18 months old, but I wish I'd started sooner because it makes all the difference in the world. There is no self-help retreat that is going to "solve it" for you in 3 and 4-day sessions, I absolutely guarantee that. And I hate to say it, but I do think your daughter will be traumatized. It's like going from 0-60. She's old enough to be very aware that you're suddenly gone but way too little to understand why. But starting to get back to yourself consistently, taking a little time for yourself every day, breathing deeply, these things will help a lot. Anyway, I wish you a lot of love and strength no matter what you do!!

Hi E., you really seem to need this time away. The baby will be fine. Maybe this time away will help her sleep better. She really doesn't need to nurse to fall asleep. Start using pacifiers. I stopped nursing our son during the night when he was 9 mo's old. He didn't need it and we all slept a little better for it. It will be hard for you to be away, but she's in great hands with her daddy. We left our son for 3 days when he was 18 mo's old, and I missed him so much, but he didn't seem to mind. He was having too much fun with the grandparents. ;-)
Marriage is difficult with or without kids. We sometimes forget that our spouses and our relationships need taking care of. Communicate, make time for each other, love each other.
Hope you have a great time at the retreats.

Hi,
It will be hard when you first drive away but you will be amazed at how good you feel even an hour later. As sad as this may sound, your daughter probably won't miss you. I left my son with my mom for the 1st time when he was 12 months and I called my mom and she said don't be offended but he doesn't notice you are not here" Babies are strong and they are easily entertained so she will probably like the extra attention she gets while you are gone.
Have a good time, relax and focus on yourself, you need and deserve it!

E., its harder for you than for her. She will enjoy her time away as long as you have made sure she is in good hands. Its a little easier if there are grandparents or family that you know adore her as much as you do. Otherwise, the confidence in the provider makes all the difference in the world, to both of you. It is painfully hard when you are that attached. But really it is much harder on you. They will drum up a most convincing performance with crying and tears which will tear your heart into shreds! But the minute you are out of sight it normally stops and they get on with playing. Provided, of course, you have made sure she is in a very safe space. Test it sometimes, call them after you leave and see if you can still hear her crying or did it stop, magically? You'll survive, but it won't be easy. It is a bigger learning curve for you than her.

if you cant be at peace with leaving her, in good hands it sounds like, you choose to pick this time for you, she will be ok, she might give them a run for the money the first night or two but she will be just fine. This will give dad a chance to really bond with her. This might not come around for you again soon to go do your thing, so enjoy... sound like you do a lot in your life , super mom super women, just remember if its not worth praying about its not worth worrying about..

Enjoy !!

It sounds like your parenting style and ups&downs in your marriage are burning you out. At 1year you should be able to leave your daughter in the care of her father, especially if it's to help you get grounded again and find yourself outside of being mommy/wife. Go the seminar, let yourself enjoy it and know that your husband or mother isn't going to let anything happen to her and she will be just fine. She might also benefit from having some undivided daddy attention for a few days.

E.,

I was not an attachment parent though I did co-sleep with our first son. That may have been because my husband was overseas for most of his first year (but I digress). I think you are quite amazing to commit yourself in this way to your child. I really wish I had your fortitude. I can imagine that you would be ready for a break, bless your heart. I can only give you advice as a full time working mother who also travels a lot. You may want to begin playing little separation games with your baby. Spend some time in another room for several minutes and come back and greet her. Keep doing this for greater lengths of time (for as long as she'll tolerate). You may want to have a "good-bye routine" when you leave her presence every time. This way, she will know that you are going to leave her area, but will soon begin to understand that, wow, you come back too! After you are successful doing this routine in your home, try leaving her with her father or your mother for ~15-20 and run an errand somewhere. Make sure you're not gone too terribly long. She may be a little upset when you first go, but have your husband distract her with something she enjoys immediately. Don't forget to do your good-bye routine and greet her calmly and relaxed when you return. Don't make a big deal out of your return home, because it will insinuate to her that the separation was a big deal and something she should be anxious about.
It is very important that you begin doing this ASAP so she is used to it by the time your conference begins. This will also make you feel better about going and allow you to concentrate on yourself. You certainly don't want to be there worried if your baby is totally wigging out. You will miss her enough as it is. Also- when you call home- make sure you talk on the phone to her. My 13 month old little boy just loves to hear me talk on the phone to him when I'm traveling.
I hope this advice helps you a little. Good luck to you. You are obviously a very loving and unbelievably dedicated mother. It would be nice for you to give a little bit of that love to yourself. PS- Don't listen to the criticism. We all do our best by our children. We don't have to do it the same way for it to be right for our families.

When my first son was 10 months old I had to leave him for a week. We co-slept too; I was concerned about not being there at night. I brought the pump on my trip to keep up my milk production (pump & dump) and had stocked the freezer with pumped breast milk before I left. Spouse had to deal with night feedings, etc., but he survived. Son was fine and we had no problems resuming breastfeeding when I got back.

Take care of yourself hon. You can't take care of anyone else if you're not at your best. When the plane is going down, you're supposed to put YOUR oxygen mask on first, remember? This time away will help you be better able to take care of your family. NO GUILT, okay? Relax, rest and learn as much as you can. Your daughter will be fine for this short time and your family will benefit from your time away.

Good luck.

Hi E.,

I am also an attachment parenting type - and I understand your issues. I have a high need boy and an easy breezy girl...and I still can't leave my boy all night long - he just needs that nighttime parenting.

If you go, it will be OK. I had my baby C-section and was in the hospital for 4 days and my husband did ok with our son, who up until that point had never had a night away from me. It was a terrible night the first night, and then OK after that. If your husband will sleep with your baby, it will be OK, they'll have a rough night the first night though, so he needs to be OK with that.

Good luck, and know you have a lot of moral support from the attachment parenting network out there.

What a great plan! As a SAHM that also practices AP with 23 month old twins I too know how hard it is to find a balance between what is best for our children and what is best for us. We know what we are doing is what we believe is best for our children in the long-term - especially in helping them become independent and self-confident. My husband and I try to do date nights as often as possible, and I do have a babysitter during the week. Yes, it takes a LONG time for the kids to feel comfortable with me leaving for any length of time during the day and I still come home to put them down for naps. But after 6 months with a babysitter they really like they let her put them down for naps (unfortunately she was gone over the summer so we will be starting over).

I love all the plans you came up with for yourself and your family. Best of luck!

P.

I just want to applaud you for recognizing the need to help yourself and your willingness to actually do it. As with most other responders I agree that you going to the seminar will only better yourself and your relationships with your loved ones. Your baby will be fine. More often than not, when children do not see the parent they are attached to, they do just fine. Its that out of sight, out of mind mentality. It may be hard for your husband and mom the first night, but they will get through it. It will make your husband an even better dad for being able to take care of the baby without you around. Best of luck to you!

E.,
In short: You are going to this retreat to help you become a better person and help yourself. When you are happy and feel good about yourself you can be a better mom for your baby girl. Look at it as doing this for your baby too. She will be fine and you will probably have a harder time then she will. And it seems she is going to be in excellent hands. She is young enough to not be tramatized, and old enough to have her needs met by your mom or Dad. Go, take care of yourself, and then come back as the best mom ever!

I understand that when you have worked so hard to create a strong bond between yourself and your child, it is hard to let go and let someone else take over. Be assured, you have already secured a strong attachment with your daughter and she will likely cope very well with your husband and her grandmother since she knows she can trust you to return. You might have a small transition period afterwards, but my guess is that she will do extremely well because of all the time and effort you have put into the relationship. It will be great for you to take care of yourself. You won't regret it.

I just recently spent my fist night away from my 16 month old son. At first it's all you think about but then you get into whatever your doing' and realize thewhole reason your there is to be a better person and you actually learn it's ok to enjoy yourself and be guilt free. And babies tend to live in the present so she may cry when you first leave and then stop then cry when you come home then stop - it won't be as tramatic as you think. We all need to do things for ourselfs in order to better for the other people in our lives.

I too am an attachment parent to a high spirited baby (lil girl I guess, she is almost 2 1/2) Well the first time I was gone she actually went with me overnight to a conference.
But the spirited makes a difference. We left her for a few days with grandma and grandpa when the new baby was born, she was already night weaned by then. Well she resents them now. She will have fun and play with them but she remembers and will scream if they try to take her.
They are hurt by it but what am I going to do. Once I had to leave to go the the ER with my little one and she screamed with daddy and until she finally passed out asleep for the night. Now this is a 2 year. But she is VERY VERY attached to me.
I know my izzy is very sensitive and does not adapt to change very well. I am sorry that you hit a burn out, i am there most days too. For me it is hard having 2 people completely dependent on your presence, needed you for every second of the day can be rough, but i rather that they have that foundation.
Sorry if i was no help at all. but she will make it through. They are tough and in the end she will get a happier and healthy mom. I think it may be harder on you than it is on her, I know that was true for me. But even so it left some scares on her as well and she takes it out on grandma and grandpa not hurtful but she is more cautious around them and won't be alone with them. (she was older at the time though so she would remember more.)
I wish you could take them with you. You go do your thing and still have the baby with you at night. It is hardest at night when it is harder to distract from the fact that mommy isn't there.

Is it possible your daughter and your Mom could go with you so that she could watch her while you're at the seminar, but then you'd come home to her at the hotel? This might make it a little easier if it's possible.

GO! Nobody wants a Mommy who isn't happy with herself. When you come back she will be all smiles and your hubby and mom will go on and on about how great she was! I left my son at about the same age. Same deal..still eating in the middle of the night and lots of other issues. He did great and ended up bonding with the grandparents which was awesome. I was like you just sick with worry but moms need time to be the women we were before we were moms. You know in your heart what your soul needs to be a great mommy.

Hi E.,
You need some time to yourself (and I think some time alone with your husband)! It will be good for you, your husband and the baby. A stressed mom is not a good thing for anyone! I understand that you are feeling guilty about leaving your daughter but she'll be fine. Attachment parenting takes a lot of work. However, your daughter needs to learn to be independent from you just as you need to learn to be independent from her. Since you are so burned out you may need to ease up on it a little.

I have worked full time since my son was 4 weeks old (because I had to). I breastfed for only about 2 weeks because I hated it. I have let my son sleep with me since he was an infant (he's almost six now and still sleeps with me almost every night). Believe me I felt really guilty the first time I left him at daycare... but he did great there and he quickly learned that we would always come back for him (he did half the week at daycare and half the week with my husband at home). At daycare he learned to socialize with other children and how to be independent from his parents. I left him with our parents for weekend getaways or overnight once in awhile but when he was 15 months old, we went to Hawaii for a week without him. I felt so guilty that cried the whole way there. He was fine and had a great time with his grandparents. He didn't miss us at all! (Before we left I explained to him that we were going away on an airplane and would be home in a few days). All of my guilt was for nothing.

My son will be 6 next month. He is well adjusted. He doesn't like when we go away without him (unless we're going someplace he doesn't like) but he does fine with his grandparents or babysitter. I never had a problem leaving him on the first day of school (I still cry but he's fine).

You sound like a great mother who really needs some time to do her own thing. You and your daughter will be fine if you spend some time away. There is no need to feel guilty. She is with her father and she'll miss you but she'll be in good hands with him.

Good luck! Enjoy your trip!

You mentioned worrying about what is best for you and for your baby, but what about your husband? If you have a troubled marriage, would it be better for you to attend the retreat and come back happy and appreciative? Or would it only make him resentful and bitter?