My sister is married to someone who struggles with drug addiction and has been abusive physically in the past. Right now he's on the up and up. My sister is a recovered alcoholic. Their marriage is not good (volatile) and she separated from him for a year after their first child was born. We were all incredulous that she got pregnant with a second child purposefully . Their marriage was hanging by a thread and he has two kids from a previous marriage. We all thought is was irresponsible and selfish on her part especially since her husband did not want any more children. Fast forward she is "accidentally" pregnant with her third (she tried to get her tubes tied but it was a Catholic owned hospital. He was going to get a vasectomy, but waiting for insurance to kick in). She is 38 years old, has been a smoker since 15 (on and off), is pre diabetic, and has always had a sickly disposition. I fear she will die young the way she has abused her body. I am so angry I could cry. I fear my aging parents will have to raise these kids. Or be forced to be full time day care for her if her marriage does not make it. I will be seeing her soon to visit my family up north for 10 days. Do I have to act happy about this? Do I need to stuff all my feeling around her?
(Don't get me wrong, she is a loving mom, and I love her. But right now I'm angry that they could be so careless. I'm angry mostly for my parents since they take on a lot of burden for her now as it is. And I"m angry that my children won't have access to their grandparents since they take on so much child care for them and she comes to live with my parents every time she leaves him, which seems to be a regular occurrence)
Since getting the news this morning I've been in a black cloud. I hope in a few weeks I will come to accept it and be gracious. I see there is nothing good that can come out of expressing my anger. Momof2, I am jeoulsous and I do covet my parents time for myself and for my kids, that much I fully admit. My resent miscarriage is not contributing to my feelings. I would be thrilled for her if she had a happy stable home to raise kids. She adores children.
hope for the best and maybe talk to her about improoving things? You said her husband is good now and so is she, so why not think positive? There's nothing a pity party will do except make things worse.
I get the being jealous. My brother and his kids live with my parents and they rarely see my daughter. It makes M. sad at times and I've spoken to them calmly about it but I dont see them making an effort any time soon
I'm glad you're venting here, since you really cant dump this on your parents or your sister. You cant change the circumstances, you cant change your sister, you can only control yourself, It doesn't matter if you have a right to be angry, just dont let anger use up all your energy and harm you in any way. Be a breath of sunshine for your parents, this must be so stressful for them. Smile when they talk of the baby and say as little as possible, maybe plan a few vague remarks "Babies are always adorable, no matter how bad the timing is..." Or "Such a surprise wasnt it!"
I hope things go well for your sister and her kids. Again, this is a great place to vent!
You shouldn't have to "act happy" but you don't need to show how unhappy you are either. If you have to say something you could say "I am surprised that you've decided to have another one but all babies are blessings"...it's honest and pretty nuetral.
I agree with your reasons to be angry, but it really is her life and her choice to make. Bringing it up to her will only cause drama, there's no way it will go over well. It's also your parent's choice to help as much as they want.
Please don't take this in a bad way, but could any of your anger be stemming from some resentment over your own recent miscarriage? I've been there so I don't judge, I'm just saying maybe you're also angry that she is pregnant when you feel like you are in a much better position to be.
I had a miscarriage several years ago and shortly after my sis got pregnant and it was hard to take. Kind of a slap in the face. But 6 months later I was pregnant again with my beautiful daughter so don't let that get you down if that's the case.
Not in your control. I say that as someone who is in this exact scenario. My sister and her 4 kids live with my parents. Have for 6 years.
People make choices. We don't always agree, but we have to respect their right to make their choices.
You can't control others. The kids are here & there's no moving back. You don't have to agree with her lifestyle or choices, but you'll need to find a way to accept it, since there's no point in holding onto negative feelings towards a person or situation you can't change. Anger accomplishes nothing, other than upsetting you, meanwhile everyone else is oblivious or could care less. I hate to say it, but it's not really your business.
Be supportive & love those kids. I really hope you're not resentful towards the kids that had no say in being born, because it kind of seems that way. You can be honest & kind & tell her your feelings. I don't think it will change who she is, though.
It is what it is. Support her and be a good sister to her.
BTW you could watch her kids yourself if she passed away. You don't have to assume it has to be your parents.
PS There are all kinds of reasons for GPs to be more helpful to one kid over another. My SIL lives 5 min from my in laws. My MIL has been watching my nephew while my sister works for 2 and a half years now. She now has a 6 month old, and even though my FIL is also now retired, they are now both watching her 2 kids, and her dog 4 days a week. While they do make time for us, and they do come and see my kids, they are still doing WAY more for my SIL than us. It is not "fair" but it is the way it is...
In this case it is best to keep your anger to yourself. Find a way to welcome this coming family member. Do be a loving auntie and add to their life. All children benefit from loving extended family and these kids may need you more than most.
Repeat over and over... it's not my problem.
No you do not have to act happy, and you shouldn't act happy. What is there to be happy about? However, you need to control your anger and find your own way of accepting the situation.
I know that your concerned about your parents, but if they choose to continue to unable her to live this type of dysfunctional, destructive lifestyle then it's their choice.
Here is what I did with my sister who was simmilar ... told her once that she was stupid and moved on and loved the kids anyhow. I felt better because she knew how I felt and she felt better because she did too.
I agree with what's been said so far...you need to get it off your chest to anyone but your own family or people who know them. It is what it is, it can't (and shouldn't) be undone, and the best you can do is to be supportive. That does mean you literally have to support this, or her, etc, or that your parents have to, but every child is a gift from God and you should treat it that way. Hopefully your sister and her husband will get the help they need...but first and foremost, everyone needs to realize that for better or worse, THEY are a family unit (they're married with children) and ought to be sorting this out on their own.
