Angry Partner

Kick him out! You don't have a partner, you have a teenager! He doesn't have to take care of you because you're not married? REALLY?!?! What is so bad about you that you deserve to be treated like this? It sounds like the old saying, "Any man is better than no man." Bulls#@t! This man uses you and degrades you. I'll bet he also tells you that no one else would ever want you, too. Get out. This will NOT get better.

I would kick him out and file for child support. If he truly loves you, he will come back and make things right. If not, you have not lost anything. I am sorry you are going through this.

Sounds serious like he doesn't have a vision of you three as a family. It's not what you and the baby need only - how does he eat breakfast and dinner? Where does he live? If you live together, you share expenses. You make the house a warm, cheerful, welcoming home for the family and he supports that with his work. Who does the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry - he would be doing it himself if you weren't doing it. So, he provides the money, you provide the home life.

You have been with him for 8 years and not married. It's time to wake up and smell the coffee that you are just filling the need as a house person. In doing so you got pregnant and he just keeps you around and not very well. It is time to step up and move on. In 8 more years you will be older and in the same boat with no one and a child that is wondering why my daddy doesn't do anything with me but with those other guys? That's a hard one to explain.

You are still young, get out and do your own thing. As one poster said you can do bad all by yourself you don't need help. Respect yourself and demand to be respected and things will change around. Go for child support once you are on your own you have all the info (SS#, DL#, DOB) so do it.

Life is too short to wishing for things that won't change.

The other S.

Since you are not married, he should be paying child support to you for his/your kids!

No disrespect but he sounds like a bum...I would kick him out and go after him for child support...

Sorry sweetie!

Frances,
Girl it's time to kick him to the curb. I'm assuming the 1 yr old is his, and he doesn't feel the need to contribute to his well being. That's a big problem. and what does being married have to do with anything, his kid, his household, ring or no ring, he should step up to the plate and be a real man. Commitment isn't about a piece of paper and he's taking advantage
of the situation. He needs to realize his young kid(s) are just as important as his older kids. He might wish he haadn't been so selfish,when you go after him for child support. Good Luck, You can do bad all by yourself, you don't need a man to make things worse. You deserve better and so does your child ! C. S.

1. Kick him out, if he doesn't care about you, and you know it, why stay with him, you deserve the chance to find someone better.
2. Take him to court and demand child support, he has to provide for all his children, not only the ones he had in a marriage(assuming his other children come from a marriage)
Get rid of him, he is a negative, meaning irresponsible and immature person, and you and your son need to be healthy environment.
I know its all easier said than done, but the sooner you do it, the easier it'll be on both you and your son. Also, hang in there, the job will come, don't lose faith and hope, we are praying for you.
Good Luck!

I haven't gone through anything like this, BUT if he really does say, "he does not have to take care of me because we are not married", then there is something going on there for sure. You need to evaluate your relationship, and maybe it IS time to kick him out, if he really feels that way.

KICK him out.
That is the answer.
He will not and cannot change.
He and his kids are more important than you.
He does not even care, even if you are suffering financially and with your child and by him.

KICK him out.

If he is going to pull the "I don't have to take care of you because we aren't married" then he should be paying rent.
If he wasn't living with you, you could get court ordered child support for the kiddos you share together and also would be eligible for help with daycare, food stamps, job search and even have any easier time with grants to go back to college.

If you love him, work with a counselor to sort out your issues. If you are frustrated and done with the situation, then take heart in the fact that you'd be better off financially without him.

Ok before you kick him (albeit, that does sound like a good idea) I would first try and get into some kind of women's support group... this way, before you pull the trigger , you have all your ducks lined up, such as where you will stay and how you will support yourself and child. Additionally, once you get out of the relationship, which hopefully you will as you cannot change someone who does not want to change OR for that matter, see the need. In my opinion, it should be an automatic thing that you WANT to provide for your child. you should NEVER have to ask him.... that is just down right nuts.......
Now, once you know where you will stay and what kind of income you will have, then make your escape.. again, get into a support group, find out your options and get some opinions from other women who have been in your shoes and who have survived and are doing well...
best of luck

I would tell him to leave. Then he will show if he can make the effort to change or not. All people can change. I doubt any of us grownups, well most of us at least, would act the way we did in our late teens. I know I don't. But 8 years is a long time!! That's how long I've been with my husband. Six years married, and 2 years before that. We have 3 kids. I just cant imagine that I would still be with him after 8 years if we weren't married. We are a family unit. What is mine is his and his is mine. I don't tihnk we would be working still if we weren't on that level (mind you he is not perfect and does make stupid decisions sometimes, but we all do.) So if he won't give you what you NEED, then you need to first get a job and get steady on your own feet and then tell him to go.

Also, when my husband was asking me why we were tight on funds I showed him my budget. I have an Excel spreadsheet that I use and it has formulas and links pages and all. So showing him that really helped him and he has called me with suggestions for other ways to pay down the debt we built up while he was out of work faster. But maybe show him everything you are spending, as mad as it makes me that men (or whoever is not budgeting the money) questions whoever takes care of it.

OK, well, if you are not currently married my suggestion is that you do not get married, and that you are financially independant and move out on your own. I am not saying to stop being with him but do no wed and join households because this is setting the tone for what married life will be like, not everyone can blend families happily or successfully but adults can love and support eachother while living seperately and having financial independance.

wow, I respect that he is supporting his other children, i don't see that part as an issue, the part i see as an issue is that he's chosing his own wants over providing your children with their basic needs! A real man who loves his family (married or not!) would never do that. He has no obligation to support you, but he does have to support his children. Having one parent stay home is a big decision and puts a lot of strain on the working parent and has to be a decision by both parents. The one who is working needs to understand they will be bringing in all the income. Doesn't sound like he understands that!

I think if you haven't, you need to try sitting down calmly and reason with him about the situation - go over the budget so he can see what your children need and talk to him about how he feels about being the sole provider - get it all out on the table and try to attack this as a team, both of you willing to compromise. If that doesn't work unfortunately i think you'd need to get out of that relationship. I rarely suggest the breaking up of families, but you and your children deserve someone who will put you as a priority. If you get out of this relationship you can file for child support then he'll HAVE to support your children too. And then, as others said as i glanced over your responses, apply for government aid. I'm sure you'll still need to find some other way to support yourself (at least a part time job) but it might be worth it to get away from someone who does not seem to value the same things that you do! You deserve someone who will work WITH you in caring for your children and is not so selfish.
So sorry for your situation!

Kick him out, then take him to court and have the court mandate that he pay child support for the kids - just like he does for his other kids. You don't need someone who puts you and your kids second, you deserve better!

I think this father is off the wall. His responsibilities is to all of his kids not just the older kids, and you have all reason to be upset. However, you need to sit back and clear you head on what is best to do in regards to this situation and your relationship with him. My grandmother would say a Leopard never could change it's spots. He needs to grow up and you need to move on with your kids. First of all you had the kids and nothing change with him marrying you. That should have been your tip off . He want to be free of his responsible to you and your kids. The decision you make would be for your peace of mind and your kids lives. Only you can take the first step and never look back. There is a life waiting for you out there. I will keep you and your kids in my prayers...

Sincerely,

S..

When I read about your comments on him buying things that he wants instead of what the family needs, that is what exactly my husband does. And, I hate it. He can spend so much for his cigarettes which is about $12 a pack and let you pay if you requested him to pick up bread or eggs. All he knows what to do if you go grocery shopping with him is pick up junk food and shove it in my cart. I pay for groceries and food.

I suggest that you think hard about this man and go leave. Won't change in his ways.

Easier said than done, but kick him out and do the court thing that others are saying. I don't know the process, but you need to get rid of him. Good luck. You deserve better!

First step is to find a way to support yourself and your child. Whether you have family you can move in with or you need to find your own place, I don't know you need to decide. Once you have a plan then you can kick him out or leave. Where you are living is it in your name, his, or both? You need to figure that out. Then you need to go to court and fill for child support. His comment about your not being married. Says a lot and it's not good. Good luck.

Yes he is responsible for your children too. You will probably have to take him to court for child support, but do it. He's being a dead beat dad, which is taken very seriously these days in courts.

Hi Frances,
He does not have to take care of you but he does need to support his kids. File for child support through the court system. You may not be able to live with him to qualify, but that's something you need to speak to an attorney about. Have you looked into assistance such as WIC? Even married/partnered women can qualify as long as the household meets their income requirements.

Sounds like an old boyfriend of mine. He moved in with me, he said, because he wanted us to be together. I really wasn't in favor of it but I let him talk me into it. From the beginning I said we needed to split the bills 50/50 and he said okay, but he never gave me any money. It wasn't until he moved in with me that I realized how little he actually made at his job, and he also had kids (3) that he paid child support for--they took 60% of his paycheck out before he even got paid. I didn't begrudge him paying child support; I think it's great. But he wasn't honest with me about why he moved in with me--he was just looking for someone else to take care of him since he didn't have enough money to pay for his own place. Oh and he did the same thing your BF does; he always had money for cigarettes, beer, going out and having fun, but never for bills.

Don't do what I did: I put up with it until all my savings were gone, thinking surely things would change. And then I finally grew a brain (and some balls) and told him he needed to move out because I couldn't afford to take care of him any more. It was a big fight. He swore he'd get a better job, etc... I told him to get a better job and then we'd talk.

It's amazing how fast men can shape up when you give them an ultimatum; he found a better job within a week. He eventually moved back in and things were much better after that. I think he felt better about himself, too, for actually contributing to the household instead of being a mooch, especially when his oldest son came to live with us.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. At least I had only me and no kids to worry about. I know you don't want to keep the kids away from their father. But I think if you put your foot down, you'll see what your BF is really made of. Either he'll shape up, or else you'll have gotten a monkey off your back, and you and your kids will be better of for it. You just have to be prepared to move forward no matter what the outcome is.

Get a job first, though! Even once you've signed up for WIC and welfare and whatever other assistance they may have where you live, you'll still need some income. Even if it's just fast food or waiting tables or cashiering somewhere, it's better than nothing. And the plus about those types of jobs is they're usually more willing to work with you on scheduling.

Good luck!

Until you find a job and are able to support yourself and your children, the first thing you have to do is apply for Welfare, food stamps, Wic and anything else you can get. Then kick your boy friend out and take him to court for child support. Welfare will even pay for it. Cut your losses now, because they are not going to get any better! Ever!

Ok had to read over the other post to get a better picture. If you know how much he makes then you can go onto the child support calculator and figure out how much you are entitled to. Keeping in mind he has two other kids to pay child support to he may be right because that order came before yours and the court is only allowed to take a certain percent of his income. File for support-even if he doesn’t pay consistently he will owe that money for the rest of their lives. My oldest is 18 and my ex is in arrears which is accumulating interest charges with each passing day. Child support and visitation are two separate issues which require two separate orders although child support is based on the amount of visitation the absentee parent has. You are not required to allow him visitation and without a court order he can take them when ever, where ever, he wants because they are also his kids, thus a court order will prevent this. In New York, no more than three people may occupy one room and each child must have his or her own bed and mattress. Look up the laws-you’ve already told him how you feel about it and you can see he doesn’t care so move forward, get over being upset and do what you need to so you can provide for you and your babies.
Good Luck

Sounds bad but I think he's not ready to take care of business.
You need to get a plan in action to be the sole provider for you and your child.
Can you sit down with him and show him what it costs for you all to live each month? Maybe you could make a budget for him that allows him to pay child support for his older kids and also leaves room for your monthly expenses as well.
Sometimes men have to see things in writing showing the Math, before they can "get it".
He's sounding stressed and that is why he's being "selfish", he is trying to quick fix himself and is only making things worse.
Good luck with this...

You probably don't want to hear this but he's not going to change. Maybe he's not married to you but he sure did make those babies with you and he owes them support. You need to tell him straight out, you are going for child support from him too, that if he doesn't like it he can leave but you will still get it. There is no reason you should have to carry all this weight and don't let someone treat you like this. YOU are the mother of his children, be like his other baby mother. I know you love him and have stayed with him but love is a two way street. My friend gave me a quote once that I keep up in my office "Never allow someone to be your Priority while allowing yourself to be their Option" Stand up for yourself and your children. Be open and honest with him, that after 8 years you want more from this relationship, and list what you want. He may move on, and you have to let him if he chooses too, Respect yourself and make others respect you!

Kick him out and file for child support. Depending on the laws in your state, you can sue him for palimony too.

Nanc

I would say "kick him out", but you don't have an income, so I'm not sure where that would leave you! I would keep track of your child's expenses over the next few weeks and show him the receipts/spreadsheet/hand written record- whatever works for you. Ask him to contribute 1/2 of those expenses as well as 1/2 of the living expenses. If he won't, then file for child support- even if he's living with you. Apparently that court-order is the item driving his contributions!