An Infant Death in My Family

Reading your post made my heart break all over again. Almost 11 years ago to the day, my sister was induced and had her daugther, Samantha, who had passed away the night before. My daughter was born premature and was a month old. We had looked forward to the girls growing to be best friends and sharing all the silly fun that cousins do. My sister was told her baby had trisomy 13 in her 7th month of pregnancy. We were all devasted and I was consumed with guilt, especially after my little girl was born without complications, other than being a month early.
I talked with my sister about once a week before Samantha was born but there was a distance after she was born. I respected that distance and allowed my sister to grieve. It was so hard not to be there for her but I understood that I was a source of pain to her right now. When my daughter was 3 months old, my sister called me out of the blue and asked my husband and I to bring our two young children down to visit them and stay the night.
I was more than nervous. The last thing I wanted was to cause my sister pain. It was so hard. My sister didn't hold the baby our entire visit. But she was able to share with me all her pictures, little clothes, memories and grief. I felt so helpless and guilty but I listened and held her.
A couple years later I asked her about that visit. She said she had forced herself to have us over because she didn't want to punish her neice or have her grow up feeling that her auntie didn't love her. She felt that if she didn't make that connection with her early that she wouldn't have been able to show her love and affection later.
Having said all that, my advice would be to let your sister-in-law have the space to grieve. Allow her several months and allow her to make the first moves toward you. It may seem like she should move on after a while but the truth is that you never get over losing a child. October 3rd would have been Samantha's 11th birthday. My sister will grieve and hug her two daughters even closer. And we will surround her with love and remembrance.

Respect their wished and keep your distance. I didn't speak to my sister for over 4 months when I found out she was pregnant shortly after I miscarried. We now have children 4 months apart and are a part of one another's life again. Had she pushed it and tried to be a part of my life while I was grieving and seeing her belly grow, it would have taken longer for me to heal. Give them as much time as they need. Take lots of pictures so they can see them later if they want, but the best response is to let them know you love them, are sorry for them, and that you'll be there when they're ready to be a part of one another's life again.

Such wonderful advice already from wonderful mamas!

You're right to understand that you can't "hide" your baby right now because others do want to share in your J.. However, you can't imagine the pain of what they are going through, so you need to try to put some perspective on what it is they are asking you to do.

You didn't mention if this was your brother's first child. If so, that might even add to the blow for their perceptions as you have three healthy children. Not that there would be anything rational about that--but if this was something they had been trying for and longing for...it might feel "unfair" to another degree.

Don't "push" yourself into their situation too hard. Let them know you're there to support them in whatever way possible and back off--give them time. It sounds like they have already let you know this is what they need. Respecting their wishes is what would be kind and loving in this situation.

They need lots of time right now to process. Not to mention, going through childbirth can really take a toll on a woman's emotions (as I'm sure you know!!) and your sis-in-law could be dealing with many postpartum issues in addition to her grieving--think about it, her milk coming in but no baby to feed, her body still healing from delivery, etc.. Respect her wishes at this time--but do let your brother know that you will be bringing your kids to family functions ahead of time so they can choose to attend or back out if they think it will be too much for them.

J.,
I am so sorry for the loss in your family. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you and your brother. There is no greater loss than that of a child. Your sister in law and brother need time to grieve, I am sure that the pain is so imense for your sister in law that seeing you and your baby would be so painful for her. This will pass but likely not for a long time. Her heart has to heal.

I know you are doing your best to be supportive. Just be patient with her. Imagine how you would feel if this happened to you.

Be happy and celebrate your new baby. Pray for your family that they find peace in thier hearts and the courage to work through this.
Hang in there!
M.

Hi J.,

My heart goes out to you and your brother and sister-in-law. You are in a most difficult situation. If I were you, I would continue to go to family functions and be excited for your precious baby. It's not the right time to share your J. with them, but it is the right time to share your J. with the rest of the family. You might just be honest and tell them that you are grieving for them too while still honoring your babies life. Ask them the best way for you to be supportive. Above all, listen to them.

Best wishes,
T. Nelson

It is still so soon. Give them time to grieve. Let them know in other ways that you still love them, but they can't see you and your baby now, it's just too painful. Let them go through their mourning and anger. They just need some time.
It's the worst thing in the world to happen to parents. My sympathies to your family.

Oh, I am so sorry. Your sister in law will find a way ( one hopes and prays) to eventually reach out and ask - 'how is s/he?? -- is the baby smiling, sitting- ?"" -- try to wait for her to ask - I am so sorry- lean hard on those members of your family and your extended family that rejoice with you- and be sure and let this ''family''' rejoice with you, too.

Your sister in law ( and perhaps your brother) are coping with '''what did I do wrong?" They almost certainly feel punished, shamed, ''called out''. That is not logical - it's just true. I spent 40 years as a special ed preschool teacher - and I can't tell you how many parents of a child with autism or down syndrome- or deafness said to me over the decades ''what did I do?""""" Rejoice with who you can- and offer your brother and his poor wife this kindness---wait.

I'm sorry dear heart -

Blessings,
J.

J.,

For her sake, I truly pray that your sister-in-law is in a support group for parents of children who passed. Such a group helped me tremendously.

Unfortunately for you, all I can say is that you will have to respect her request until she is feeling emotionally strong enough to see your J. without feeling more pain.

We lost our daughter to an accident before she could be born, and now I hold the memories of her delivery dear. It took me about 6 months to be able to hear another baby cry before I wouldn't cry myself...with the help of the support group, a loving husband, and some medications (short term sanity).

If you have any questions on what you csn do, talk to your brother. Allow him to vent, and let him know that you will be there no matter what--and in whatever capacity they can handle.

Hold your child close, and journal each milestone. Maybe one day they will ask for details.

In heartache and sympathy,
T.

Wow what a terrible time for all of your family. My advise is give your brother and sister in-law time..they are in so much pain right now! I had a 8 mth old baby die then 4 mths later had a niece die. It was and still is (22 yrs later) very difficult for all of us. Time heals, though the pain never goes away! Trust in the Lord to get your family through this, he is faitful and loves all of you!!
Your in my prayers! Enjoy your new little bundle of J..

I realize it's not the same to a lot of people, but my husband and I lost our 4th pregnancy in Nov/Dec of 2004 because it was ectopic (out of the womb). We were forced to terminate because carrying further than I already was would have killed me and baby. We were devestated. To make matters more complicated, 2 other women to whom I was very close were pregnant with healthy pregnancies at the same time. I found myself avoiding them and eventually had to stop seeing them. The last time I saw them during that time was the day the first of their babies was born. I would have been around 30 wks. I held her beautiful newborn son and was overcome with grief. I wanted so badly to be happy for her, but seeing this wonder of hers was a reminder of how I would never know the baby that we had lost. I'll never forget that moment. It was surreal. It was a struggle of faith. It was a struggle in my marriage... I even struggled with seeing the faces of my own children who were griving with me. I wanted to lie in bed forever. It took me about 1 1/2 years to get past the crushing feelings that overcame me and when I finally did, my husband and I decided to NEVER even have the possibility of suffering that pain ever again. My insurance didn't cover ANY form of contreception, so we were saving to have a procedure done. We bacame pregnant again around Mother's Day in 2006... about a year after I would have been due. The fear that I felt... that I would go through losing another baby was... well, it is the most afraid I have ever been. I couldn't bear the thought of going through that kind of grief again. Happily, we discovered soon after that the baby was right where he needed to be to grow strong and healthy and we welcomed our 5th pregnancy/4th child home the next February.

My point? She is grieving. It probably takes everything she has just to get out of bed in the morning. It must be the hardest pain, I think, that any of us ever have to face. Be patient with her. Don't bring up your baby for a while. Maybe just call her occasionally to see how she is doing. Talking to you could be tourment because you shared that special time of being pregnant together. Document all of your happy times with your baby so that when your sister in law is ready, you can slowly start to share some of those times with her. It is going to take a LONG time for her to be able to be around children of the same age... or even sex... as her baby. Try to imagine losing your little one, just to try to put yourself in her shoes. I wanted to die too... how would you react? She is probably asking God a lot of unfair and difficult questions. It is impossible to find purpose in any grief. My heart goes out to her. My heart also goes out to you. You must be so hurt that someone that you were so close to feels like they have to push you away right now. I am telling you, it's a survival instinct. She will eventually come around. Give her time... lots of time. Let her tell you when she is ready to deal. She may need a year and a half like I did, she may need only six months, she may need 5 years or more. Just be there for her when she's ready. Understand that taking the step toward reconciling with you will be painful for her as well because she has missed so much time getting to know your baby. When I made that first phone call to my girlfriend (whose baby I held before leaving) just this year it was so hard. It was necessary for me to explain to her why I had to pull away and that I didn't want to hurt her, but that I couldn't share in her J. because I was drowning in grief. I told her how guilty I felt, but that I had to see my way through before I could see any J.. She understands and loves me and we are closer than ever now. What's more is that she had another baby in between the times that we were speaking and is now pregnant with another. She has invited me to join her in the delivery room (which is where I was supposed to be forthe birth of her son in 2005) for the birth of her final child this Spring. Our lives have come full circle and we have wonderful stories to share with eachother about our beautiful children.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my story with you. I hope it helps you to understand a little better where she may be coming from. God bless you and your family. I will be praying for you and also your brother and his wife and family. My heart goes out to all of you.

Give them their time, and all the time they need. Seeing your baby is a reminder of what they once had and as much as it hurts them to see your new baby, they don't want to rain on your parade either. After a while, (3-4 months) call your brother and meet away from your house and their's. Talk to him, brother to sister. Listen to what he has to say. There is a group at Children's called Compassionate Friends for families who have lost children. It may help them to have that support group. You could contact them yourself and find out what's the best approach for you and your family in helping them and all of you through this very devastating time. I hope that while the baby was here that someone took gobs of pictures of your brother, sister-in-law and their baby together. If they did, you might put together a photo album for them as a Christmas gift. Celebrate the 4 days that were a life time of togetherness, but also find the shower pictures and the bump pictures.... don't ignore that this baby existed; celebrate the wonder and awe and love that brought him/her here. Don't talk about future family members, it's all about the past and their present. In the meantime, celebrate the new life in your house. Yes, you lost a niece/nephew, but you've got this new little person in your house. Someone who deserves all the attention, love and interaction that they can endure. Be thankful for the gifts you've received. This has a way of reminding us not to take life for granted, and no one, not even a new baby has a guarantee on tomorrow, it's all about today, the 'present'.
May thoughts and prayers to your brother and his wife, and your and the rest of your family.

Hello J.,

I am so very sorry to hear of your family's loss. My advice comes from the heart. I lost my son at the age of 2 months old. Your brother and sister-in-law will come around. They have been dealt the worst possible blow, but they will come to realize that life does need to continue. My suggestion is continue to support them by email or even a phone call or two. Offer to make them dinner. Offer to do a specific thing for them. Talk to your brother and tell him your concerns. Tell him you want to support them both. Unfortunately, they are going to have to face the fact that there are other healthy babies in the world even though theirs is gone. It is a harsh truth and the most difficult first lesson they will have to learn.

Suggest to them a wonderful support group called Compasionate Friends. It is a support group specifically for bereaved parents.

Again, I am very sorry to hear of the loss in your family. You are in my prayers.
Take care,
F.

That is so sad, I'm very sorry. I would respect her wishes and let her deal with her grief. I'm sure in time, she will over come this. You can share your J. with other family members and friends. Please give them time. Perhaps you could go and be suportive with out bringing the baby for a while.
Your all in my prayers.
D.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss in your family. Losing a little one is heartbreaking and one of the worst pains that a family can go through. Your brother and his wife are fortunate to have such a supportive person as you on their side. Having said that, they don't want you to feel bad for your J.. Be there for them, but be there for your entire family as well. Your little one can attend family functions. There is pain, but there is also the J. of new life on your side of the family.

Oh, how heartbreaking! I've never lost a baby, but I have friends who have and, like you, I felt helpless and like I didn't know what to say. How close are you to your brother? I would just be as honest as you can with him. Tell him how devastating their loss is to you and how it doesn't make any sense and you feel like you and your new baby are a source of pain for he and his wife and you're not sure if you should keep your distance and for how long? Is there anything you can do to help? Ask if he wants to talk about it. And take your cues from there. Check out some books on losing a child and if they are interested give them a good book or point them to support groups. Sometimes that's a way of letting them know you're thinking of them and you care, but you can't possibly understand what they're going through.
Sending strength for you and your family.

J.,

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

Respect your sister-in-law's wishes for a while longer. She's in a horrible place right now and just can't see her way out yet.

This death will always be a part of you, but you do still need to move forward with you and your newborn's life. You obviously won't thrust your child into your sister-in-law's arms, but please don't avoid gathering with your family and sharing your J.. You and your child deserve to celebrate with your family. Your child also needs to know that he or she is loved by your brother and sister-in-law.

Little things really do matter. I know you're sending occasional emails, but try sending a greeting card now and then. A "thinking of you" type card can really help. Another thing you can do is cook a meal (making extra of something you're preparing for your family) or buying a frozen lasange and garlic bread and taking it to them. Leave the kids with Daddy and go by yourself so you can talk, hug and cry together. Maybe even invite her out for a cup of coffee or tea. Focus on her. She'll come around, but she does need time.

I too have lost a baby. It really is hard to know what to say or do. People ask me for advice about it all the time since I've been through it-- what to say and how to help. The best advice I can give is to not encourage them to forget their baby, or to move on. As short as their baby's life was, it was still a life and is still part of their family. Give them things to help them remember. The best gift I got after my baby died was a nice framed air-brushed picture of my baby from my SIL. They will move on with time-- just honor their wishes for now and offer what support you can. I also don't suggest you hide your baby-- just don't flaunt it. I had friends who had babies around the same time as me, and it wasn't long before I was enjoying cuddling their little ones. But everyone's different--so take your cues from them.

Hi J.,

Wow, I must admit that I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but my heart truly goes out to you as well as your brothers family. I'm sure most of the emphasis is on them and yet I realize that you guys need some support too. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that there are people out there in your corner.

N.

Hi J.,

I really have no advice other than what's already been given, but I wanted to say I'm sorry for your family's loss and also congratulations on your little one. I will send all of you warm thoughts as you navigate through this.

Best,
L.

Let them take the lead. Do what you would normally do in family settings.. But let them control their distance. Don't try to empathize because they won't believe you could possibly understand what they are going through.

I will keep you all in my prayers. :)

A child's death is the hardest issue in life to deal with. I would work on face-to-face dialog - which email doesn't even come close to - with them so they can work out these issues with you. They need someone to talk to about what happened. They need to deal with it. The best person to deal with something like this is the person or people you are closest to. Also, when people are depressed they generally withdraw from everyone just because they are in pain.

You could go to your brother and sister-in-law by yourself and just talk about everything in a calm understanding manner without your baby and find exactly where he is in his feelings. A lot of people go into withdrawal when they are in depression or suffering a terrible loss, which this is.

Give them time, but also give them some time where you don't have the baby with you.

lots of good suggestions - i'd also suggest maybe writing a letter or a card, letting them know that you understand, telling them how you feel, sending your love, and saying that you'll always be there for them and would be glad to meet with them whenever they're ready.

My heart goes out to you and your family. I would just pray for them. There is nothing you can really do I don't think. I'm sure it's hard for your brother and sister-in-law, seeing your baby because they would have been the same age....although this isn't fair to you or your baby. I'm very sorry for your loss. Hopefully they will come around and realize that they are losing out on the beautiful little life that is here. God Bless.

J.,
I do not have any magical words of wisdom to share with you but please know I will be praying for you and the family involved for His guidance and comfort through this difficult time. I am so sorry for the pain this must be causing you.

S.

Dear J.:
Please be patient with them. I too have been in your sister-in-laws situation where I lost my baby (he was stillborn) and it was very hard to see my girlfriends who I was pregannt at the same time with go on to have babies. They are very happy for you but it is the hardest thing to show after you've lost your baby. I distanced myself from everyone. I say give them their space and send the occassional email to let them know you are thinking about them. You do not need to hide your J., it is up to them if they want to attend family gatherings- as for me I just stayed away from any gatherings that included babies or pregnant people. It's hard to see life go one, but it does and that is something i had to deal with. If you would like to send her this website for a support group for parents who have lost their child, http://www.hygeiafoundation.org/ this website was the best support for me through my grief. And a couple of local support groups in Washington: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Local_Chapters/Chapte... and http://www.psofpugetsound.org/. My prayers to you and your family.

Congratulations on your new addition :)

-S.

Congrats on your little one which should not be put in the background. You are right you can not hide your baby every time you see them but just let them know you are going to give then their space so they can mourn but your there if they need you. My sister lost her son last year from sids at 1.5 months and it was devistating to our family and i happened to be pregnant at the time. she was very distant about my pregnance which was hard because we are a very close family. with time she started to come around and heal because time does help. so just be patient. Once again i am sorry for your familys loss.

I am so sorry to hear of your family's loss J.. We lost our firstborn at birth it is so hard. I have been writing posts on grief and grieving please contact me personally if you want to read any of them or suggestions for dealing with hurt family members.

I have also blogged about some ideas to help a family who lost a baby here: http://www.modestmilk.wordpress.com

Blessings to you!
-Amie
---
http://www.modestmilk.etsy.com

Of course it hurts for them to see your sweet little baby, but I suspect there will be a lot of healing in them getting to watch your little one grow up. Please do not avoid them and there is no need to hide-- the hurt is not against you, it just hurts.

Dear J.,
My heart aches for you and your family! Firstly, congratulations on your new baby! That is a blessing, and while you and your extended family are healing from your loss, my hope for you is that you can shower your newest member with all the J. and love that he or she deserves, and that you deserve to revel in as well as a parent with your new family dynamic.

How about reaching out to your brother and sister-in-law explaining that their new niece or nephew NEEDS them to be the super Aunt and Uncle that they are, and doesn't deserve to be without them as Aunt and Uncle--invite them to be god parents or other special roles in the baby's life too. This may be a little too "new age" for you, but I believe the spirit that passed may be a guardian angle for your baby!

I sure hope this is helpful to you. Isn't it great to have Mamasource to reach out to?!

All the best,
K. R.

Give them time and space to mourn. I know you want to be there for them, but your family is a reminder of what they no longer have. Let your brother know that you love him, that you will step back as requested, and that when he is ready, you will be there for him and his wife.

Blessed Be.

Hi J.,

I am so sorry for all of you. I know that the grief does not just belong to your brother and sister-in-law but to you also. Just wanted to say, don't forget to grieve yourself.

As a doula, I receive a lot of resources for parents of all kinds. I don't know if it will be possible, but if you or someone else can, it might be a healing thing for them to be connected with this support: http://www.nowisleep.com/. It is dedicated to parents who have lost babies.
I'll be praying for you all. Pleas keep us updated as time passes.

D. Rylander

That is a hard thing to get over. Just pray for them and let them know that you are thinking of them and respect your wishes.

Wow, there has already been a lot of good advice and support given here, but I just can't go without giving some additional support... This has to be the toughest position that you could possibly be in at the moment, and I wouldn't wish your situation on anyone!

In addition to their grief and the fact that the thought of your infant rips open a horrible wound all over again, they probably feel incredibly guilty about the fact that they can't enjoy your baby, or your company at the moment.

My advice would be to keep your baby away for the time being, since this is so recent, but not to let them shut you out entirely. Even if you just drop by their house to bring a meal, some flowers, a card, etc. a couple times a week, it will let them know that you care about what they're going through and are there for them. I would say not to try to force a conversation, but rather to drop by, drop off whatever you have brought, offer a hug, and then leave unless you feel that they would like you to stay. It sounds like you had a close relationship before this awful tragedy, and what they need most is the support of their loved ones. With the rest of the family and in situations when they aren't present, give your baby all the love and attention that it deserves, and celebrate every moment that you have with your child.

As time goes by, when they're ready, you can gradually introduce the topic of your child and visits with the baby. I would imagine that eventually, they'll be ready to resume some semblance of normal family activity, but that it will take a very long time before they can look at your child without pain, if ever. Make sure that they get some good counseling, because I know a family who lost their youngest child in a house fire, and it tore the couple apart, even though they had seven other children who needed both of their parents in order to get through the ordeal.

Good luck, and I hope that at some point your baby will get to have a relationship with a loving aunt and uncle.

give them time. i can't imagine their heartache (as i'm sure you can't as well.) they are dealing with so many emotions right now and they need time to process them.

if your relationship has been a sound one from the beginning, it will be again once they've worked out their emotions. they will always morn the loss of their sweet baby but hopefully they will be able to enjoy yours one day.

I am SO sorry to hear about your families' loss and can't imagine what your brother and SIL are going through. It sounds like everything is so new and raw and it all happened so quickly that they weren't even given time to process the information.

Give them some time. They might remove themselves from situations for now, that's okay. Lend them support anyway you can, even if it means to give them space right now. Do research online and find them support groups that can help in their area. It sounds like, for now, that you will probably have more luck talking with your brother, so approach him with info and offer up your support.

It's going to take them a long time until they start feeling like things are starting to get back to a new way of "normal." Don't remove yourselves from their lives (just give them space) and definitely go to family functions. Hopefully when they are feeling a little bit better, you can help them celebrate their baby and remember him/her. If you feel like they are just spiraling into depression after awhile, please help them find supportive doctors or support groups. Who knows, maybe in a few months, your newest addition might just be the person that lifts their spirits and helps them through this horrible time. You'll all be in my thoughts.

I am so sorry for your awful loss. I am sure that you are grieving for their baby as you are also celebrating the birth of your own child.

My advice would be to proceed very tenderly. Send a heartfelt card, let them know that you love them, are so very sorry for their loss, and will be there when they are ready.

It may take a lot of time for them to be ready, so be patient. They must be just reeling and sick with it and angry, feeling all the stages of grief each in their own time. It may take a year or more, honestly, depending on what kind of support they seek out and receive, the physical and hormonal changes that happen after pregnancy (all women who give birth can experience radical shifts in hormones for months as the body readjusts to postpartum life), and if they get pregnant again soon or suffer more loss before they have a child. A person experiencing such a loss will have no way of knowing when they will be able to be around other people's children until, one day, they are. That's why I say, be patient. Let them come to you.

My sincere condolances for your loss. I hope you will be able to find a peaceful place in your heart in regard to this heartbreaking situation.

It has only been a month. It is going to take a long time to get past this for them. It has been 7 years for me and it still hurts. I was lucky to have already had a 2 year old at home and I have had 2 more children since. It has to be hard for her to understand why she was the one that had to loose a baby and seeing your healthy baby probably kills her every time. I am sure she has very achy arms that long to hold her baby. She will come around. I would just continue to support her as much as possible. Maybe buy her a little tree or something she can plant to remember her little one and have a place to sit and think. Something you can do to show her how much you care and think about your little neice or nephew that is not there. Show her that you are greiving too. Right now she just needs to be reminded that you are all there for her even if it is hard since you have your own baby to take care of.

I wish you the best.
D.

I've never lost a child so I don't know for sure if this is something that would help or not, but it seems to me that if I had lost a baby I would want my baby to be remembered by others, not just as a sad tradgic event but as a member of the family. I really like the planting a tree idea in the babys honor, or after they've had time to heal maybe pool together some pictures they have and make a scrapbook for them commemorating her pregnancy and although the baby only lived 4 days it would be something positive that celebrates his/her life. Maybe remember the babys birthday in the years to come. This would show that their baby was special enough to you that you remember ... maybe you could find a babysitter sometimes and take her out to do something fun like a pedicure and let her talk about babies if she chooses to, but don't bring it up. Congradulations on your baby .. D.

My daughter and her cousin (a girl too) are 2 weeks apart. We did a lot together when they were first born and months after. At 8 months, my daughter had a traumatic brain injury that changed everything. To this day, although my daugher is alive and well with many challenges, it can be hard seeing my little cousin. It reminds me of what might have been even now, 4 years later.

Give it time and then understand that your child will remind them too of what might have been even years from now. With that said, you still need to live your life as you normally would; just with compassion and understanding of their feelings. For example, go to family events but maybe take your brother and sister-in-law something special in the coming weeks without your baby. Be respectful but do not change everything because you do deserve to be happy and joyful for your new addition.

I lost a baby due to triploidy and I understand the loss. I was able to get pregnant soon after and now have my son. Your Brother and his wife need to deal with the loss and it will take time. I still sometimes think of the girl I lost but I know she is in heaven and ok. People deal with loss in different ways, let them know how sad you are for them and let them know that you will be there for them during and after their grieving period. Let them be the ones to decide when and how much they want to see your child and know that they will in time get to acceptance and move on.

Congrats on your baby

Haven't read any other replies but in response to this "How can I respond in a way that would be kind and loving in this awkward situation?"

I'd say send one last email and letting them know you're sorry for their loss, you can't begin to understand the pain they're in but you are there to support them and you will honor their wishes to give them space at this time. Then ask them to let you know if there's ever anything you can do.

Here's the link I mentioned: http://forums.ovusoft.com/tt.asp?appid=50&p=4&tmo...

C.-WAHM to ~5 y/o virtual twins
owner: www.BeHappierAtHome.com
It is a loss that the emotions of which can ever be adequately communicated. You just have to give them time to grief and heal. Try to put yourself in their shoes. It would be incredibly painful for you to see a happy newborn with mom if you had just had a loss. I have a link that may help you I'll look it up after I put my son on the bus.

Hi J.,

I believe God brings challenges, not heartache. It is truly sad that they lost a child, but you cannot take that on. Best advice, pray for them. I will as well, that God will comfort and soothe them in this type and wrap them up in his loving grace as they heal. Having lost children, I am comforted that those children are in heaven with my mom and husband's father and many others. But, in the beginning I went through the grieving as this family must be. I hope this does not sound harsh. I am overjoyed for you to have a little one, as well as saddened by the loss of the other child. Life is not fair all the time, but ultimately God will make it beautiful again in time. You have such a huge heart and that is wonderful! Seek wisdom on how God can use you to heal. Many blessings to you. :)

Hugs,

K.S.