Am I the Only One Married to a Sabateur?

I'm married to the same kind of guy. That was the way he was raised. Keep being the bad guy.The tantrums will stop. Now I have 2 teenagers. They know when I say No it means No. My husband has kept out of the child raising. They go to him when they need something like money. I'm home most of the time so I'm the one who gives out the punishments. There aren't too many of them. Keep giving the time out and make them go to bed early. 3 and 4 years old children are the worst behaved. They will grow out of the tantrums and listen to reason. Hang in there.

A) Make sure you have communicated this to him ALONE and make him understand that it is for the good of the children and family time that structure is GREAT.
B) A loving hand guides...it doesn't throw itself up in the air and announce, "Anything goes, that's how MUCH I love you!!"
I understand, as many do what you are going through. And children do love their Daddy-time as it IS different, but when it becomes detrimental to raising children and fostering limits, good behavior and respecting the loving authority of a parent...then it's way past time to rectify things.
A sweet ending to the day is wonderful and that's when parents sigh and want the moments to linger. BUT children need their schedule, their sleep and most important - their parents to have THEIR time together.......impress upon HIM what's in it for him.
You can TRAIN a dog very easily,and they never forget the rules. But a child is NOT a dog that will snap to obedience, but a complex BLESSING that needs guidance every moment and a united front for a positive parenting experience. Everyone deserves to win - and relax during their family time. Hugs.

I feel you...men have no clue! Try giving yourself a day or more off and let him deal with ALL the catastrophies he creates. It may wise him up for a little while. Good luck!

OMG! You are not alone! Some of it is normal give-and-take of parenting and some goes over the top. Eleven years of this and I finally woke up that we need outside help with a licensed marriage and family counselor. I don't have any answers yet. But we're working on it. Some of it is my baggage. Some is my husband's. Some is our son's.

Let's just say we're very different people who approach many things differently...not everything...but most, especially when it comes to responding to our son. Some of it is the gone-all-day-and-don't-want-to-be-the-bad-guy thing. But I think it's deeper than that. Expectations borne out from our upbringing; things we want to do differently than our parents; things we unwittingly repeat from our parents' upbringing, etc. It's enough to pull your hair out!

My husband is sure in himself and is convinced his way is the right way sometimes. He's not an ogre, but he's also not comfortable walking in other people's moccasins at times when I wish he were. Mix that with a woman who isn't always so sure of herself and the fun begins. I'm not a milquetoast. But parenting together is the hardest thing I've ever experienced with my husband.

My mom was here a month or two ago and I asked her how she dealt with XYZ when we were kids (6 of us). She responded with something that rings very true for me. She said, "I don't know, I never dealt with that. I dealt with the behaviors a few steps earlier so I never had to deal with XYZ."

LESSON 1--Better to deal with the issue at hand directly than push it off later when it will be harder to solve.

In some ways our mothers had it easier...they did the job of raising us mainly on their own. My dad was certainly present but the majority of the raising of us (teaching, discipline, etc) came from her. If there was a difference, he would defer to her for a "united front".

On the other hand, my husband is very engaged and involved in our son's upbringing. Most of me is delighted with this; I don't get all the credit but I also don't get all the blame! : ) Problem is, it's messier when two are parenting than just one.

LESSON 2--Be careful what you hope for, you might just get it.

I like what I read in a newsletter recently. Unfortunately, it's not on-line yet, so I'll pull the quote from Wendy Hill's article. (If it ever gets posted it will be found on http://www.thefamilycenter.us/ Fall 07 newsletter) It's based on 10 priorities developed by a school focused on character development--The Biggest Job: Hyde School’s Outreach Program. The priority written about was "Truth Over Harmony":

"The first Priority and the foundation of them all, is Truth Over Harmony. Most of us consider ourselves to be honest people and we value the truth, but when we look more carefully, we may see something different. Harmony here is defined as the overriding tendency to want to get along. For instance, we might find ourselves overlooking inappropriate behavior to keep the peace or giving in to avoid a struggle more often than not. Harmony in itself is not a bad thing and there are times when we intentionally choose harmony, but we want to look at the weight of our foot: In my family do we tend to be honest with each other and willing to struggle with difficult issues or are we more focused on smoothing things over, on avoiding honest feelings to keep the peace? When this priority becomes a working principle, we become more aware of our choices and intentions. We notice that working through the tougher issues brings us a more genuine peace.

"Perhaps most important about all of the Priorities is our modeling for our children the qualities we want to see in them as they become young adults. We continue to be models throughout our lives, even after our children are no longer at home, and it is never too late to begin. Family principles are those values and beliefs that lie at the very center, the heart of our family. They guide our behavior and decisions and strengthen our family as a whole."

LESSON 3--It's never too late. (I like that...)

Sorry I don't have more answers, only observations, but I wish you luck!

In a nutshell, this all takes me back to the first LESSON--better to deal with the issue at hand directly than push it off later when it will be harder to solve. Let me tell ya! We're still dealing with this and our son is 11 years old! Some heads are thicker than others. I never would have labeled my husband a saboteur, but that's what he is! (Of course, I'm sure he thinks that's what I am, too.) Ah, the joys of parenting with two parents!

hi E., no you are not. As you can see all men are the same even the good ones! My husband is very helpful he even stayed home with my son 2 days a week when he was an infant. NOW at 4 and a half, My husbdand still does not get it. I am also the bad cop... and aparently this is a common theme. advice given to me was let him deal with it! I realize this is hard I struggle with it everyday also. i work full time in a school dept. My husband works and our son is in prek.... So when I hear the two of them going at it I used to jump right in Now I trry very hard to remove myself and let him deal with it. He made the bed so he can lay in it.... I know it ruins the routine and the children attidues and moods... But let him see how it affects your and his day on the weekends... and let him sufer the consequences without you stepping in.... see how it goes.. IT WILL NOT BE EASY TO STAY QUIET! trust me I know. Good luck and as for the nght tie I would definately nip that in the Butt before it becomes a routine for the kids during the weeek as well! There is no compromise when it comes to sleep for everyone..... Good luck!

You are not alone! I am in a similar situation. We have a very strong willed almost 5 year old who we have been trying to get his behavior under control for about 6 months now.....(his behavior issues are only at home not school) my husband is a very easy going - try to keep the peace person - but at what expense... I believe the kids should understand that when I say something, I mean it. But they are constantly getting conflicting messages - I say no (usually with an explanation - clear and concise) he says maybe later (false hope because all they hear is yes) or yes (conflicting). I know my husband is also frustrated with his behavior as well and at times will get on board with new techniques to try - but doesn't do it long enough and gives in. We are all tired at the end of the day but he seems to forget he is a parent first - that never stops.....I have been trying to read up on similar issues and also have a meeting with a school figure to get some advise...also looking into parenting classes for both of us. Good luck to you - I probably didn't help you at all but wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

have him watch supernanny.. mine is the same way.. they don't want to be the bad guy because they don't see them all week and think that they won't love them anymore if he disciplines them. good luck, I've been fighting the fight for 9 years now.. hopefully your husband isn't as thick headed as mine!

Type up a list of the normal routine day/schedule and make plans for the weekend (for yourself!). Dad may find that it is easier to follow the schedule :)

looks like you have already quite a few responses. I will just add that husbands at times perhaps feel that they aren't the ones " in control" of the kids all the time, and maybe on a subconscious level sabatoge the mothers need to keep things structured. I also think that they can be jealous of the fact that the kids mainly go to the mom for pretty much everything( at least mine does), and perhaps the husband feels left out and wants attention either positive or negative...Just a thought.

I totally understand and feel your frustration. I just had a similar conversation surrounding a nutso weekend with our 3 year old red headed girl and 5 year old boy diagnosed with sensory integrated disorder. Kids require routine and authority and you need it too...esp as a stay at home mom seeking occasional peace and well behaved kids. It's easy to be the easy parent and the fun parent and as moms, being the one who barks all day, we are drained and envious of dad flying in to save the day after he has had 12 hours of adult conversation and freedom. I found this weekend that it took a breakdown to get my husband to FINALLY ask what I needed from him. I felt afraid to ask - almost like raising the kids was my sole responsibility. I had to spell it all out for him, complete with examples. Men really do think differently than we do. They interpret differently too and sometimes don't want to be the bad cop. Truth is, the kids will have more respect for them in the long run if they stick to the plan. Maybe come together with your husband. Perhaps he doesn't think all of the rules that you set are necessary or fair. See if you can compromise. The worst is when you disagree with one another and you vocalize it in front of the kids. I often have to stop and bite my tounge until we can talk in private. I know you have beaten yourself against the wall talking to him but don't give up!!! The kids and your sanity are worth it. BUT...give him some say. If he makes up some of the rules and plans for action, they will have more value and he will more than likely see them through. Moms have the toughest job out there - keep up the hard work!

I am not in this situation but my sister is and talks to me endlessly about it. They ended up seeing a family counselor and it really fixed everything. Her husband needed to hear it from a professional in order to listen. He is not taking your needs or the kids' needs seriously. Two serious outcomes can occur from this 1)Your kids will continuously be confused as to what the structure is at home and they need structure badly 2) It effects your marriage, which in turn, effects them. Most couples have good cop/bad cop roles but the extremes in your situation are too much so. Suggesting marriage counseling is much more difficult than family counseling. My sister realized some things she could do also - like making sure he takes her seriously and she learned how to do this - just the way you say things, your demeanor, your "I mean business" tone. It sounds like he knows your concerned but your foot needs to be put down. He needs to work with you on this, not against. Hope that helps.

Been there, do this...
On a regular basis leave your kids with him for the day and sometimes overnight. He will learn quick the need for routine and rules. Don't help him either with lists and hints to deal with things. Wait for him to call you in a panic for help, he will really listen then. It may take some time for him to get a clue and shape up and he may need weekly reminders. My husband and I fought about this a lot without getting anywhere before I took action. I use the excuse of needing to do errands once a week without the kids for about 5 hours on Sat. This reminds him how hard my job is, the need for routine and rules, and it also gives him a sense of control or part in parenting. Good luck!

I had a similar situation with my husband. He left for a deployment when my daughter was 7 months old and came back when she was 14 months old. I had a daily and weekly routine that she and I were used to. Once he returned, weekends were miserable with him home. He wanted to spend time with her and be her best friend. I finally had to sit him down and explain the situation as I saw it. I made sure he understood that he could still be the fun cool parent but rules and routines had to be followed. I also made it sound more like I was asking for his help than telling him what to do with his kid. In the end, he understood where I was coming from, and vice versa, and we were able to fix the situation. Now, he comes home on weekends and he is the cool parent that is helping me enforce those rules and regulations that are so important to my sanity. I hope this helps. Good luck.

It seems like you both have different view on parenting. You both need to get on the same page. I know you have talk to him before But this time when you have talk come armed with proof to support your ideas. Get magazine articles or copy pages from parenting books that explain what you are saying. Maybe seeing it black and white will make a difference. He might not think it is you way or nothing. You both should learn to compromise to some extent.. Maybe on Friday and Saturday night the girls can have a later bed time. Explain to the kids why they can stay up later on those night and work it into the routine. AS far as them being in your bed Maybe you should set a time when you all can cuddle in your bed and watch a TV show and then put them in their own bed. That way He spends time with them and you two can still have your time together alone.

These are only suggestion.. they have worked for me. Good luck... some how the parent that stays home the most is always the Bad cop... When they get older they will understand and respect you for setting rules and limits. :)