Step- Son Disrespecting- Causing Marital Problems

I'm guessing that you're in the stepmom role (eow and one day a week, versus the mom role). Assuming that you are, by all means defer to his dad. On everything.

Get me some milk. Go ask your dad.
I don't have any clean clothes. Go ask your dad.
Can I stick this bumble bee up my rear end. GO ask your dad.

I want to go to the movies. Go ask your dad.
I'm hungry. Go ask your dad.

Feel me? He's going to ask his dad anyway.

My stepson is 13 now, and we went through this ALOT - he actually swung at me when I made him take a breathing treatment in the middle of an asthma attack. That day my 8 year old step son, his father and his wonderful mother were informed that he can not stay with me because I can not be held responsible for his safety. Unless and until he showed consistent obedience, he would not leave the house with me unless his father was in attendance, and I could not in good conscience be the adult in charge of keeping him safe (notice the focus on safety, not on making him mind.)

Our family membership to the water park often resulted in me taking his younger sister and my kids to the water park, with him here watching his dad sleep - or aggravating the hell out of him, because my husband worked nights. Fact remains - I couldn't keep him from jumping in the pool and drowning, or running in the street and getting run over, because he didn't listen to me.

He learned to listen real quick. His dad started backing me up consistently, to avoid having to go everywhere with us, and his mom stopped telling him to call me a cunt and that he didn't have to listen to me because she lost her free babysitter.

Hardline - but it works.

Your son isn't necessarily the problem, your husband is. Keeping the peace shouldn't be the goal - that's the last thing you should do with your husband. Until your husband starts acting like a parent and working with you to co-parent his son, you're fighting an uphill battle. How is the relationship with the other side of the family (bio-mom, etc)? Everyone needs to do their best to get along at least politely for the sake of the child (belive me, I know - my parents divorced when I was 10) - it'll still be hard on him, but much better than fighting parents/step-parents. Good luck!

sounds like you and hubby need to talk and resolve this alone first and then have a family meeting with your step son and agree together what the RULES of the house are and FOLLOW them as a family unit NOT a parent vs. a child
Your husband needs to understand that due to HIS work schedule that you are in charge of him for a great deal of time and that you both need to come up with a plan and what one of you says the other needs to trust in

I agree with the other posts as well. This issue has to be fixed with your husband first, not the child.

Have you ever taken your step-son on little outings, just the two of you? Maybe try going at it from a different angle can help. Make him see that you really do care about him and it may help both you and the child strengthen the relationship.

As for your husband, you are co-parenting his son, and your husband needs to realize that you only have the best interest for his son. The more he allows his kid to disrespect you, will only hurt the child in the long run. You all need to have a big family meeting, where rules are set and that he will treat you with respect since you all co-exist together. If your husband wants harmony in the home, and his son to grow up to be a respectful and disciplined individual, than he should take this more seriously.

A.,
Sounds like you and your husband are bad cop, good cop...you are the bad one since you are trying to correct the step son and he is the good one because he "rescues" the boy from your "hardness". This is why the boy loves his father. I think it is important that your husband back you up in fron of the boy and then talk about the punishment, correction, whatever when the two of you are alone. I am sure this whole situation is quite frustrating. It is apparent that you love the boy and want what is best for him. Good luck!!

Hi A.,
I don't know enough to completely understand your family dynamics of course, but I do see you want a peaceful home. I disagree with the other mom's in assuming that your husband is the problem alone. I think that you and your husband must share responsibility..... as we all do with all our kids. Yes, it is most probably true that your husband feels guilty he has put his little guy in this position and he is afraid to further rock the boat with discipline. But you must dig deep into your soul and ask yourself whether you treat this child as you would your own two children. I do agree that you and your husband must sit down and come up with a plan together and be on the same page...If that is possible. And honestly, you probably do feel differently toward this child than your own, especially since he is causing a rift, but I would suggest you do your best to be kind and let go of any anger. That doesn't mean you can't discipline, but try to do it in as soft as voice as you can muster, and then be sure you have some special time with the boy on your own as well as with the family.

Last, the boy is still young, so keep hanging in there and hopefully things will get better. Keep in mind this could be a really important year hormonally for the boy, so do your best to get Dad to agree on a mutual program ASAP. Teen years are always a challenge and kids that are angry to begin with tend to be angrier. Patience and calm in the home will help.