Am I Paranoid or My Husband Is Leaving Double Life?

Well....I hate to say it...but you ARE that kind of woman.
You caught him cheating on you twice. You KNOW you did. Deep down...you know.
And you took him back. You allowed him to cheat and then stay with you. You have stood by your man....no matter what.
So NOW you have a choice. What are YOU going to do? Are you going to stay or are you going to leave? Don't let HIM make the choice. You make it.
You decide if you want to forgive him like you did the last two times. You decide if you want family counseling. You decide if you are too afraid to do this parenting thing on your own and feel like you have to stay with him.
You CAN get a job. You CAN support your family. You CAN take him to court.
But here's the thing...in your whole statement you not once said that you love him. You said he loves his family and kids, but not you.
So why are you staying?

If you are looking for a lie detector test then you already don't trust him. Trust is a foundation for a strong marriage. At this point you know the answer to your question. Now is the time to see a therapist to figure out how you want to move forward; with or without him

I can't believe you are even asking about this...it seems obvious that he's hiding quite a bit of stuff. I also wonder if this is a real question...especially the condom part...how old are your kids? This doesn't pass the "smell" test. It's also a first question....hmmmmm

I like Wild Woman's response.

If you want the truth, hire a private investigator. I would not say a word right now. I would gather all my evidence and documentation. Check all bank accounts, tax documents, any legal documents you can get your hands on. Make a copy and keep it somewhere he can't find. Put the originals back where you found them. Then wait. Let the PI do his/her job and then decide what you want to do.

Afterwards, discuss with a divorce attorney what your options are. Then you need to decide if you can live with this or is it time to go. THEN confront him. Do it on your terms not his. Be prepared. Don't just accuse, be loaded with all the information.

Good luck!

Of course you're not paranoid. You have a lot of evidence that indicate he's having an affair. Are you wondering if he has a second family? Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't. A second family and affairs are not your prime problem. The anger, confrontations and the lack of having a kind relationship with your husband is more important than he's having sex with someone else.

As you've seen, confrontation only leads to anger and fights. You've confronted him twice. Why do think another confrontation will help?

I suggest you see a counselor to help you sort out your feelings and what you want to do. I would not leave after I confronted my spouse. I would first have a plan in place. I would focus on what I need instead of what he does. Make your decision about you and your minor children.

You've lived with him for 20 years. You know fighting with him doesn't change him. Do you also know that the anger is not good for your children. They are frightened, not knowing what will happen. They are leaning that anger and fights is OK. They are likely to have a marriage similar to yours.

I urge you to figure out who you are, how to focus on you and what you need. Make plans before you decide to leave. Be at peace with your decision.

Your husband made the choice to have a relationship outside your marriage. He's totally responsible. The "girlfriend" did not make him do it. Telling her to stay out of his life doesn't help. Their relationship continues because your husband your husband made a choice. You cannot control either your husband or his outside relationships. You can only control your reaction to their choices.

That voice telling you to snoop? It's not paranoia. It's your common sense. Listen to it.

I like Wild Woman's suggestion. I'd reach out to family and friends. I'd then hire a lawyer.

This guy lies to you when confronted. I don't think there's any chance he will change. Marriage counseling is for couples who are willing to change.

Best to you. You and your kids deserve better

It doesn't sound good.
Get a private investigator and have him checked out.
Either it will tell you that you have nothing to worry about or it will confirm your suspicions.

If he's messing around you need to determine what you are going to do about it.
Some women would rather live with it than with out him while others don't want to do that.
Get your plan together, get a separate bank account of your own, get a lawyer and make sure he doesn't skip the country with your kids.

I'm sorry you are going through this...you are not crazy and your intuition is right. It sounds like he has a second family. I know it's hard to make a choice but whatever you do you are most definitely not alone. Please surround your self with people that will help you either come to terms with staying with him or helping you get out of that situation. You are strong and this to shall pass. If your family is not supporting you please find someone that will help you emotionally as you will need them.

Your husband has had either a long term affair or a series of affairs. He has a child by another woman now. Confronting him did nothing because you required nothing of him and he had no consequence for what he did.

No man jerks off with a condom. They may wear a condom to receive oral sex, but not to jerk off. He lied to you.

Your mother is ignoring reality. And she is absolutely wrong that this happens with everyone. It doesn't. Stop talking to your mom.

You will not be able to him to take a lie detector test. Put that out of your mind. You have put up with him having an affair for 4 years. You didn't want to believe the truth. He won't give you the truth and the LAST thing he's going to do is to let you control him by making him take a lie detector test.

Before you confront your husband, go talk to a divorce lawyer. You very much need to get your ducks in a row. Your husband has already opened up a single bank account and blocked you from looking at his phone. He will do more if he thinks you are going to make him choose. You need to get copies of documents together. Credit card statements, his bank statements, taxes, stocks and security accounts - the lawyer will tell you what to get.

You will need to listen carefully to your lawyer. He or she will talk to you about what to do BEFORE confronting your husband. You do not want him to starve you out in order to control you.

Do all of this before marriage counseling. He should not know you are talking to a lawyer OR going to marriage counseling. And you should go to counseling alone for a while.

Well E. nature of a person can never be changed. Once cheater is always a cheater , once a liar is always a liar, ur 6th sense is telling u what is actually happening around u, let me tell u i have been through the same situation n my 6th sense was goving me signals i got hold of so many fact n figures (money transfer reciepts , msgs vvv odd ones , found lubricant in his car which we dont use, staying away from home for days) which proved him disloyal but he simply lied and proved me wrong with his words by saying u r psycho and a spy. His phone is locked ever since. When hes away he wont pick up my calls for hours n then ll say he was busy and phones were on silent. I got intouch with the ladies he had been sleeping with. I cried so many nights and i even asked him to leave me but he doesnt want to leave his kids , n i dont want to spoil my kids lives , they love their father. I know most of the ladies here ll say i did wrong and i should hav left him but i cant n i wont.
When i had fights with him my elder kid saw n heard everything n he started getting scared of everything. When he asked me if u people ll part ur ways? I said never which made him feel better , hes v sensitive and he keeps on saying i want my family to be with me forever. I feel bad to break his heart so i quit spying and i quit fighting . I know when, where and wat is going on bad but i try not to talk about it just for the sake of my kids coz already i said in one of my previous posts i m not a good mother for my elder one. So i m not gonna leave my kids father. Hes has started spending more time with us and he doesn't go out much now. His phone is still locked n no one dares to touch it and he uses his own credit card which i cant track n i dont want to even. For me broken homes are more lethal as compared to an infidel partner coz i know he cant leave his kids. May be i m wrong but i don't want him to leave his kids heart broken.

i'm sorry, hon, but are you nuts?

he's a cheater. it sucks that you've got so much time in with this cheater, and kids with him too, but he's a cheater and he's going to stay a cheater.

i tend to give short shrift to the 'voices' that compel you to check his phone, or your 'sixth sense', but your actual common sense is your guide in this case.

it will be hard and miserable, but your life and your children's lives will be better when you dump the cheater.

i'm so sorry. what an awful thing to confront. my very best to you.
khairete
S.