Am I Being Unreasonable or Selfish???

It's simple, if you are at all uncomfortable with this woman that should be reason enough for him to cut off all contact with her (if he values his marriage). Based on his behavior, it sounds like he can't be trusted.

dear D. ,
i also got sick about 9 years ago and be came complete disabled. thanks to the wonderful care my husband gave me i beat all the odds agasint me and to this day he did what the doctors couldn't do and that is what love is all about. it sounds like hubby is either having an affair or has a problem or need to have the attention of other women. my husband is very kind hearted toward everyone and helps others but family comes first and he would never hide anything. or have a woman here. have you and him tried counsling it does help some couples.

Sounds like it's time to take out the trash, Do not allow him to treat you this way. You deserve better. I hope you are better and healthy soon,

I think it comes down to respect and trust which is what a relationship is based on. You and your husband need to have a heart to heart and discuss this. Ask him if his marriage to you means the world to him and if it does than he needs to respect your feelings and the relationship. If this women were simply someone in need and needed a place to do laundry than she can come over and do it when you are home. But if he has something to hide than he isn't respecting you or your marriage in which case you have a decision to make. You can either tolerate and accept his new behaviors or move on which will be hard - but the stress of the relationship isn't good for your health. Your husband needs to realize if this was a women who was in need and simply needed a friend she wouldn't stir up trouble between the two of you. Since she is doing that he needs to decide if she is worth having as a friend or worth sacrificing his relationship with you for. Either way you have some tough decisions to make. But I wouldn't make any until the two of you sit down and have a very honest talk (not fight) with one another and decide where your life together is going.

Based on what you described I would say you have some issues that need to be worked out and this "peaches" is definitly an issue that can't be ignored unless you accept that and want to live with it. Your hubby sounds like a man with a big heart which is why you probably married him in the first place. If he is truly helping people in need that really have no where else to go than you should be proud of him for that. But if he is developing relationships that violate your marriage that is a different issue.

The only way to really come to terms with this is to sit down and talk and then evaluate where you feel your marriage is and come to terms with either leaving or accepting things as they are. Your husband also needs to understand what some of his 'friends' are doing to your marriage.

Good luck.

D., I am so sorry -- this is heartbreaking! I cannot tell you what to do, but in your heart, you will know what to do.

When I was a young lady, before I met my husband, I was fortunate to know several couples that had been married for many years and were truly happy together. Their happiness could be seen when they were together, when they were apart, and in all their conversations, regardless of whether they were at home or elsewhere, as well as in the lives of their children, both young and old, and even in their grandchildren (for those old enough). Here and there, they each gave me tips for a happy marriage, free from such sorrow as you are experiencing. Their tips definitely require commitment and loyalty from both husband and wife, but the results are well worth the effort!

I share them here to help provide further perspective and comfort to you, that you may know that your instincts and expectations are natural, normal, and right, and it is right for you to listen to your intuition and know that there is a higher power watching over you, willing to comfort and able to protect.

Some tips:
- Both partners should never be alone with a member of the opposite sex other than their spouse. In other words, someone else should always be present, even in giving rides, short meetings, helping situations, etc., or avoid the situation altogether, like letting someone else help.
- No partner bashing. If speaking of the other, let it always be positive. (With serious issues, like you described, getting help is important to do.)
- When there are disagreements or even arguments, do not sleep on it - resolve it as quickly as possible, peaceably, not yelling or accusing each other, but in remaining calm, focusing on the issue in hand (not last year's purple shirt-that-was-supposed-to-be-white issue - forgive and forget it), and try to see the other's perspective, even replaying your understanding of what they have said to be sure that you understand and they understand that you understand, and vise versa.
- Both spouses treat each other like a guest. (Be friendly, helpful, ready to serve and comfort. Sometimes one needs more help than the other, but this is a normal part of life, and should not be resented, but rejoiced in for the opportunity to serve the other, and the one being served can be free with showing his/her gratitude for the service given.)
- Frequent demonstrations of affection.
- Look for the positive.
- Refuse to criticize, even in your thoughts. When noticing this tendency in yourself, immediately look for and list the positives. (Nevertheless, there are some things, as you well know, that cannot be overlooked but must be dealt with.)
- These are all for both partners to do. Also, praying together and reading/studying scriptures and other good books together. These things all make a difference.

I am so sorry - Good luck!

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY. HE IS CHEATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even if he hasn't done the dirty deed yet, he is still cheating by having intimate conversations with this woman. He has obviously told her something to the effect that he doesn't love you, or that he is going to file for a divorce, something. It's hard, but you have to do what is best for you and I guarantee it's getting out of this relationship. I'm sorry, it's hard. Been there, done that. Get out while the gettins good!

Wow. Where there is smoke, there is fire I'm afraid. At first I thought he might be just being kind, but it sounds to me like he has crossed a line some place. Get help!

Good luck.

S.

I hate to say this, and unfortunately my husband agrees, your spouse is more than likely already cheating on you. I thought I would get his opinion, as women can stick together and see things differently then men. However, even he agrees. You can try to make him choose, you might win but you might loose as well - you need to be prepared for that. I know that a while back (early in my marriage) I was uncomfortable with one of my husband's female friends. I voiced it, and often, and my husband did stop returning her phone calls. She called again just recently, left a message on our machine. I told my husband and the terms he used about not calling her back are not fit for public posting. Obviously, nothing was going on between them (or I was better than her). If you ask your husband to choose between you (or however you phrase it), and he chooses you - then you know that it was nothing. However, if he refuses to stop helping her, then you know the truth as well...

Can you say CHEATER? Run fast!

I like the duck analogy. Take her advice.

Put your foot down and insist that Peaches can go to the laundry mat. This is not a freebie household.
Hard to say what, if anything, is going on. But I would definitely let hubby know that he cut all ties, knock off the open helping hand, and get a different phone number. Or you will talk to a lawyer, and I seriously suggest you consult with one anyway. If your health is compromised, you need all the security you can muster up.

Peaches has some issues. Looking for a sugar daddy plus a free ride. And/or stalking issues.

My question is whether or not you want to save your marriage, making it a place of love and respect for the both of you? And, if yes, are you willing to do what it may take to make that happen? Or do you simply want justice?

He is hiding something from you. This relationship with Peaches is unacceptable. He is defensive about your questions, her unders are in your dryer, he spends alot of time on the phone with her and acts like you are wrong to object. Holy Toledo! This guy is not being honest with you one bit. He is abusing you and your daughter mentally. Get rid of him.

umm....if he's sneaking around to that extent and continuing to have these long personal chats with her, AND to continue the relationship long after both you AND YOUR DAUGHTER have expressed how it is hurting you, then she has become more important than you both. She obviously feels she is #1 in his life since she feels she can yell at him, make him do her bidding, etc. She's a manipulator, and your good hearted hubby, whatever his initial intentions were, seems to have been taken in, by this backstabbing manipulative user of a "woman" (using the term loosely there) Maybe your hubby doesn't realize how this woman is manipulating him and making him look like a fool...lay it out for him..Explain to your hubby that your marriage is on the line and he either comes clean and attends counseling with you so that he can understand what he's doing to his family and how he ended up in this predicament or else. Of course, maybe it's too late for that for you, but I always feel like folks should give fixing things a try... It sounds like he's been deceiving your for some time and is just angry and acting out because he got caught, you didn't drive him anywhere by putting your foot down, you caught him driving a stolen vehicle and he's just feeling embarrassed and defensive. You are NOT over reacting. Can I say that again? Really, NOT over reacting. Good luck! Our thoughts and prayers are with you in this difficult time.

This is very simple, he is cheating. This is how my ex husband acted with another female, and I suffered for two years with dealing with it all. I look at it this way if your husband is not doing anything to get rid of this women to stop calling or just plain get her out of yours and his life then there is something going on between them. The whole taking longer then it should to go to the store is all so familiar with me. I followed my ex to know for sure even if the end result would hurt, but I am glad I did. I much happier now that I found someone so much better. It is never too late to start over, you deserve the best even if it is someone else. I hope we are all wrong, but most of all you find happiness in whatever you do. Good Luck
M.

I would get counseling. For yourself and also couples counseling. You know what's going on. Do something.

I don't think you're being selfish. Helping people out is fine, but what you describe sounds suspicious to me. If all Peaches wanted to do was wash her clothes, then why would it matter if you were at work? I hate to say it, but I think he's cheating on you.

Hubby is crossing the line in having another woman calling and in the house. I have been married to a wonderful man I trust completely, and I would NEVER allow another woman in my home, or put up with her calling him.

There is trouble, there, and your intuition is telling you this. Maybe nothing has happened yet, but "nobody goes to the grocery store if they arent shopping for food."

Time to seek counseling or the advice of an attorney.

Hello D.,

I have been through the same thing and would not tolerate some other women calling my husband like that and coming to the house while I am not home either. My ex did the same thing with my so call friends and co-workers and finally after the divorce he did admitt to me all the people he slept with, mean while he was accusing me of having a affair but I never did. I would tell your husband its me or her because he doesnt owe this girl anything.Otherwise this girl is just trying to get her way and take your husband. Make him change his number, He probably likes the attention she is giving him, Plus doing laundry at your house that is pushing it tell her to go to a laundry mat because is that all she is doing at your house. So D. I dont feel you are unreasonalbe or selfish, I feel your husband is pushing his luck with you to see how much you will put up with. This girls does have a lot of nerve to coming to your home. Please stand your ground otherwise you will get hurt, I have been there and I was trusing but I had learned a very hard lesson and my eyes are wide open now.
I wish you and your daughter all the luck,

I am going to be very honest, something strange is going on and you need to open your eyes!!! You and your daughter should be the only women in your hubby's life, you did not push him away or cause this. You need see exactly what is going on, this is not normal if a women friend of your husbands can not come around you then that is a PROBLEM. Please don't blame yourself but please open your eyes, be strong for your daughter as she needs you right now. He might be a good man but he is really doing something ery shady!

It sounds like he is cheating. Either that or this "lady" is trying to start some stuff between you and hubby. Either way she is BAD news. He needs to cut ALL ties to her ASAP!!!!

Try to get him to go to a counselor with you. If he won't, go yourself. You need all the support you can get. He's up to no good, though it's hard to say how far it's gone. This is really abusive behavior toward you and he's totally disrespecting you. Stop being a victim, disability or not. You deserve better than this even if you have to go it alone. I'd blow a whistle into the phone when she calls but that probably won't solve your problems! I'm going to put you on my prayer list and I strongly recommend that you pray and look for a supportive church for you and your kids. They're getting a bad deal in this also and they know it! He's being a real jerk!

So sorry, but YES that dude is definitely cheating on you. It hurts, but you already see the signs and know it. So sorry.

No, I don't think you are being selfish at all. I believe in helping people but this is a bit extreme. It sounds like this woman is trying to get her hooks into your man while he is being naive and thinks he is "helping" her.

You are not selfish or unreasonable. Unfortunately, your husband is. I hate to say it but they both need to go. Clearly, something is going and whatever it is, it is very inappropriate. Peaches should not be calling a married man or questioning a married man about why is WIFE is calling. That's besides the point. Don't be confused. Your problem is your husband not Peaches. The time is giving her he's supposed to be giving it to you. You need to be selfish in this case. All or nothing.

Unreasonable? Selfish? NO WAY! If it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's a duck! A blind man with a cane can see what is going on here. Don't be in denial and act like it's not happening. Don't accept it either because you are not in good health--these are all excuses for what is really going on. Stop making excuses for him and blaming yourself for his actions. He's allowing this stranger to control your house. He's a cheater, plain and simple. Yes, there is something going on because it takes two to tango. If this woman was stalking him, all he has to do is get a personal protection order or call the cops. Obviously, he's not doing that because he wants her affections. He gets his cake and he gets to eat it too. It's working for him, so why should he change? He's too selfish to care about you or your daughter. It's all about him and what HE wants. What do you see in this man that is so desirable that would make you want to stay with him and put up with this behavior? I feel bad for you and your daughter because it sounds like you are in a real rut. But, remember this is a small part of your world and the woman you are--you can make it better. You need to decide whether you are better off with him or without him. Surround yourself with family, friends and other people who care about you and can offer you love and support. If you do choose to leave, have a plan to bail out because you deserve better than this garbage. Honestly, the next best thing that could happen really, is that HE would leave you. That way, it's not your decision but his and you could move on with your life without looking back with any type of denials or regrets. Get a good lawyer and get your share of the pie from this marriage. You probably could get alimony, I'd bet. Sure, a break up is devastating either way, but life is short and in the long run you be glad to rid yourself of such negativity. You just gotta put yourself first and love yourself more than anyone else. It's better to be single and sane than in a twisted love triangle.

I'll keep you in my prayers,

Best Wishes,

M.

D., you need to get real. Your husband is cheating. I grew up with a father who did the same thing as this and he was always cheating. You and your daughter have confronted him and he still does it. He nees a good swift kick in that good heart of his.

Hey, you know what Dr. Phil says: a person with no secrets has nothing to hide. He doesn't need to be sitting in his car talking to her, having her in YOUR house while you're not there, etc. Whether or not anything is going on NOW, it obviously will be if this bimbo gets her way. He needs to say good-bye right now, today.

"doing the wash" is a euphemism for having sex --

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable or selfish one bit. Anyone would have the questions you have or would object to what is going on in their own home. This women obviously has no respect for your household and she knows how you feel otherwise she would not be asking if you are home. she has no class, no self-respect and sounds like a user. As for him, either he is an idiot (for letting this women do this) or he is cheating. In any case, they are both being disrespectful and it sounds like they deserve each other.
I'm sorry about your health problems. You don't deserve what you are getting. Just let him know either he stop helping other women and be there for you or just get the Blannnnk out!
Sorry to be so blunt but they got alot of nerve!

Your old enough to know follow your gut. It sounds like an affair but I don't like to judge. Tell him what you have said in this email or how you feel in your gut tell him either this is how its gonna be and drop her or we are done. Follow your gut even if it hurts cuz you know it will; hurt worse later.

To answer your question you are not being unreasonable or selfish, if anyone is it is him. I agree with what a lot of others are saying you should tell him that its either her or you and remind him that YOU need him, if he wants to help someone then help YOU! Maybe the two of you can do charity work together once a week or something if he really needs to help people to be fufilled but he shouldn't be sneaking around doing what he's doing - its ridiculous! And another thing and I'm speaking from my personal experience that my parents are divorced and it doesn't look like your girl is his daughter but either way, you want to be a role model for your daughter and let her know that this is not the way that men are supposed to treat women in a relationship because whether you realize it or not, your daughter learns from what she sees of you and if you stay with him and do nothing then she will find herself in a similar unhealthy relationship later in her life and I'm sure you do not want that for her. If you can't find it in yourself to get rid of this guy (if he won't change or go to therapy) then do it as an example to your daughter...
Best of luck to you,
K.

Hi D., sometimes we already know the answer to a question before asking. You know what to do!! He is not respecting YOU, washing clothes with peaches, when do you leave for work, alone time, with your husband, this woman is disrespecting you as well. Your recovery does not include her, or him for that matter, they both sound like they do not care about upsetting you, your home, your bounderies, I and you are too old to play High-School games. Let him go. Everyone has things we just have to overlook, and think of the good in a person, his behaivior crosses the line and can not be overlooked.

D. ~
It's hard to say, but I know I wouldn't put up with that garbage.

Can I make a suggestion as to how to find an answer? The radio station channel 955 (95.5 on fm) does a thing they call "war of the roses." They call someone, pretend they are doing a very short survey, offer to send a free dozen roses to anyone they want, meanwhile you're on the line listening. They find out who they want to send them to, and if they want something to be written on the card...I've heard people get caught and some didn't, but maybe it would help and you can get an answer, or open the door to explain to him better why you feel the way you do.
D.