Am I Being Downer?

I honestly don't even know what to say about this, it's beyond me. Good luck.

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I honestly don't even know what to say about this, it's beyond me. Good luck.

That was frustrating for you, I get it. But sip of alcohol will have zero effect on her. It's not OK that everyone disrespected you at such a hard time. But honest, she is not harmed. Try to let it go and find a more effective way to be heard (no more alcohol) going forward without dwelling on that.

I can't imagine how angry I would be if I were in your shoes. Angry that my child has cancer.

Please. You and your boyfriend (since you don't call him your husband and have stated you have been together for 10 years) need counseling. You need to learn how to communicate with each other. This is a VERY trying time - and stress levels are high - I would imagine.

While I typically don't mind giving children a SIP of alcohol (as I am under the belief that if you tell a child no, but do it yourself, they will only want it more). I understand why you are angry at your boyfriend here. If the doctor said no - I would have the doctor explain to my boyfriend WHY no alcohol or vitamins, etc.

Good Luck!

I see no problem with giving her a sip.of champagne one time. I suggest that your anger is more about her illness than your husband giving her a sip. The two of you must learn to support each other during this exceptionally difficult time if you are to get through this with your relationship intact.

Of course you want to do what is best for your daughter. You want her to be healthy again. You probably fear her death. It's natural for you to feel that you need to maintain control of everything relating to her health. Remember your husband is also hurting. Perhaps he believes that total control over her food/drink intake will not affect the outcome of her illness. Perhaps he believes that treating her in a "normal" way as much as possible is as important as trying to protect her from a drinking a sip that you are afraid will harm her. I suggest your reaction is based on fear rather than on the likelihood of harm. Fear that when your husband has given her one sip that he will continue to give her more. I suggest that constantly monitoring what your husband does or does not do creates a wall between you. I suggest that when you judge and criticize you cut off communication. When your relationship becomes adversarial, all 3 of you lose. I suggest that non judgemental conversation has a much better chance to allow both of you to work together in a way that supports each other as you support your child.

I urge you both to read about "non-violent communication." Their Web site will give you an introduction to ways to communicate with each other so that that the needs of both people are met. Talking in a non judgmental way helps couples to hear and respect each other. When we blame or accuse each other we fight. A simplified example of "non violent" communication would be to tell your husband how you feel. "I'm scared that the sip will interfere with her treatment." Give him a chance to tell you how he feels/thinks about the sip. Validate each other's feelings. Discuss ways you can agree with each other. Focus on helping each other. Both of you can be right. I suggest that when we accept that the other person also has feelings and are able to express concern rather than anger, the other person is more apt to accept our feelings causing both of us able to reach an agreement.

I'm a cancer survivor. I know the fear surrounding a cancer diagnosis. I also know that little things such as a one time sip of anything does not interfere with successful treatment. Frequent consumption may. Fear that one sip will become more is not going to prevent more than a sip. Accusations limit conversation. Accusations cause a defensive attitude which makes it difficult to reach a mutual agreement.

Maintaining a loving relationship with a significant other is much more important than proving that one is right and one is wrong. Feelings, negative and positive affect our health. Being able to share feelings, using I statements can provide an atmosphere of love and trust in which both can learn and grow.

I suggest you fnd someone who can help you both learn ways to handle this situation in a more helpful way. Ask for a referral to someone experienced and trained in helping parents whose child has a serious illness. Learning an effective communication style will help make your life happier for years into the future.

Later: how can you not be frightened and angry? Anger is to be expected in this sort of situation. Your response to the one sip of wine is an angry one. You seem to be saying, "I'm right. You're wrong. If you cared about our daughter you would agree I'm right and apologize for giving her a sip."

I like Marda's advice.

I am so sorry your daughter has Cancer. I can't even begin to know how hard that must be. Of course you will be overly concerned and overly sensitive to what she ingests and her health. And rightly so - it's your child. I think it's only a natural reaction. I am sure I would be the same way.

I think Marda makes some good points. It sounds like you and your husband/partner might not be completely on the same page where her health and your emotions are concerned. That makes little things become big things. And again, that would be totally normal I'm sure. Men and women handle things like this differently. You just want to be supported. I get that.

I would be more annoyed at the sister in law. Not her place to comment on how you react to what happens to your daughter.

Good luck and I wish the best for your daughter :)

in most cases this isn't much more than a eye-roller.

but for a 4 year old with cancer, it's phenomenally stupid. seriously. is he brain dead?

and per your SWH, he honestly sounds like an idiot. 10 years with him? and coping with a seriously ill little girl?

is there some redeeming factor not visible in this post? because frankly i'd rather cope alone than have a brain dead idiot as my 'partner' through something this serious.

good luck, hon. don't spend more time being upset and angry at your idiot. you'll need that energy for your child. i'm wrapping you in white light.
khairete
S.

I get why you're upset but it's one sip. Sometimes I realize I'm mostly upset that I can't control everything. This situation must be so scary and tough and you're doing everything possible to make your daughter better and boom - he does something stupid. But from his point of view, it's one sip of champagne. Can it really do anything? Your doctor said he shouldn't bc technically, no one should give any 4 year old champagne. this is the type of thing I think men and women are so different on. I wouldn't be surprised if most men didn't think it was a big deal. Can you talk to your husband and get to the real issue? You are scared and trying so hard to do everything perfectly and feel so responsible for protecting your daughter and making her better that you have no room now for compromise. This will be a long road and it's so easy to turn on each other. Try to remember you both want the same thing and work together. Easier said than done but recognize when you're upset bc of the situation vs one specific thing that you're blaming bc it's easy to lash out at that one thing. Best wishes.

I'd be livid. He sounds extremely immature. You don't give alcohol to a 4 year old, even if there's no chemo involved.

You aren't a downer. He's a jerk and an idiot.

I don't think you're a downer either. IMHO, four is too young to give a child even a sip of alcohol (including beer) even with a healthy child. You certainly don't want to help them adopt a liking for the taste.

I can also see that perhaps your drawn out feelings over this may not be just about this, but may make you question whether or not you can truly trust your hubby to do the right thing for your daughter when you're not around. That would be what would be in the back of my mind at this point.

Sit down with hubby and have a heart-to-heart. Not accusations, but discussions about how you are going to proceed going forward.

That is awful, cancer or not. Is he always clueless??

I can't believe this. That could have caused complications.

"for some season" he gave her a sip of champagne???
Are you and your husband no longer speaking?
This is very sad, first that you are going through something so awful with your daughter, and secondly that you can no longer communicate with your husband.
I guess my advice would be that why, yes I would likely be upset about this as well, I would try not to let ONE SIP of champagne in any way interfere with the precious time I have with my daughter, and she with her father.
How sad, maybe he thought this would be the only time they would ever "raise a glass" together, it's such a shame you can't just TALK to him about it :-(

I smiled at this. Not because of your daughter's health but that America is one of the countries where alcohol is such a taboo. In other countries kids do exactly what your husband did with your daughter. They don't or can't drink the water so they grow up drinking other things. Other countries give sick kids alcohol to help them sleep and they do all sorts of horrible things.

As for your daughter, I'd ask the doc if it was okay for her to have a small sip of champagne during a toast. I truly don't think it's a big deal other than how it will interfere with her health and recovery. IF it is a big deal then hubby needs to hear it from the doc. I do think if there is a problem with medication interaction that doc needs to know sooner rather than later.

Okay I'm okay with letting a 4 year old having a sip of beer / wine whatever...,you know what they are going to hate it and a sip won't hurt BUT nOt in this situation. No your not being a downer your DH and SIL are either ignorant or reckless or in denial but it's not okay

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Okay I'm okay with letting a 4 year old having a sip of beer / wine whatever...,you know what they are going to hate it and a sip won't hurt BUT nOt in this situation. No your not being areckless

I don't think you're overreacting at all. She is 4 after all. Not only is her little body still growing but it is also facing a trauma as well so he never should have given her a sip of anything alcoholic. Tell him you will ask her doctor if it's ok for her to have a sip. My prayers go out for your daughter's recovery and for you.

Nope you aren't a downer. Your a mom who has a child with health issues. You get to make the rules on what she eats and drinks at this stage in her life. Even if she was healthy it would still be your rules on giving her a sip of anything.

That being said I think you may want to lighten up a little because one sip of anything isn't going to be an issue. I think you are displacing your upset over the situation with your sick child (something you have limited ability to control) and moving it to someone who did something without your permission.

Is your husband from another country, where giving sips of alcohol to children isn't uncommon? I know there are places where it's not atypical to let a young child have a taste of wine, so champagne would probably fall into the same category.

Obviously, given her illness and treatment, this was a bad idea. He needs to take it more seriously and understand that anything that strays from her normal diet can cause problems right now. I just wonder if he comes from a place where giving a child a sip of champagne isn't much different culturally than giving them a sip of soda.

And, based on this situation, his sister should not have called you a downer. My guess is that you have had a really horrible few months - understandably so - and she probably just doesn't know how to handle the fact that you aren't your old self right now. Of course, no one should expect you to be cheerful all the time and they should show you some compassion and concern, not criticism.

I hope that you have some supportive people to lean on and I really hope your daughter gets well soon.

No, the SIL is rude. She shouldn't be calling people names, no matter what her opinion is.

A sip of champagne won't hurt your daughter, but if you are opposed, it won't hurt anyone else to not give it to her, either. This is one of those times when the parent who doesn't want to give their child a sip of alcohol should win out.

If I asked my kids doctor if it was okay to give them alcohol he would say no as well, and they are perfectly healthy. All doctors will say no to that because they are kids. That said, while I fully see your side and agree that saying something was the right thing to do, it is way past time to let it go now. It was a tiny sip, it will not make or break her treatments effectiveness. If he is acting flippant about it now it is probably because he feels somewhat attacked by the fact that you won't let it go (even taking it to her doctors) and are possibly making him feel like you are accusing him of not caring about her treatment or caring as much as you do about her life. I would be defensive as well in that case.

I think you have overreacted. One sip will not do anything bad. One sip will not harm her. When our daughter was four she wanted to dry her Daddy's beer so he let her have a little sip. She still talks about how disgusting it was! PS - I'm so sorry your little daughter is sick and having to go through chemo and treatment. That must be really hard. I understand how you must want to protect her.