My husband and I got into a little bit of a tiff.... He says all I did since I got home was nag him and he didnt deserve any of it. I did comment on a few things: the baby covered in apple sauce, living room a mess... and i think that's it. I dont really remember saying anything else. Well, I guess I am curious, what should I do if I dont see the problem with what I said? I was mad the baby was covered in applesauce and that the house I had worked hard to clean and keep clean was trashed in a matter of 2 hours ( the length of time I left the house without the kids ! ) . He went to bed right after the kids all po'd and I'm sitting on mamapedia eating a slice of french bread pizza, sigh. what to do when you don't feel like theres anything you should do?
I'm more aggrevated at the fact that I cant voice my frustrations without it being considered nagging. Its just an automatic thing I must do that I don't even know what I said, or if I went down a laundry list of things that were wrong as soon as I walk in. It's just something he and I have to work out,but Im just aggrevated that he gets to storm upstairs and Im sitting here stewing, eating something I shouldt be eating and wishing that I didnt care that the baby had applesauce everywhere but in her mouth, etc.
Going to crawl upstairs and into bed, and I'm sure ill end up appologizing.
yes, he screwed up.....but there were many other ways to bring it to his attention. You're both wrong in this case.
BUT honestly, is there really anything wrong with an applesauced baby?
What would have happened if you had said, "okay! I see 2 jobs needing attention. Do you want to clean up the baby or the living room?" Injecting a little humor would have prevented the entire situational response.....no one wants to see a witch walk in! :)
Well, all I want to say is that no one likes someone coming through the door barking at them and pointing out all the things they've done right or not done at all.
My ex husband used to do that to me all the time. It was never, "Hi, honey...I'm home..."
It was, "What did you do the whole time I was gone? Why was the porch light on? We have a sensor light. Why are you wasting electricity? Why are there cracker crumbs on the floor? Why are there library books on the dining room table? Why is the baby running around the house with no socks on? Why isn't the laundry out of the dryer, folded and put away?"
I'm not saying you went that far, or ever do, but feeling nit-picked the minute your spouse comes through the door isn't a very happy feeling.
Just saying.
You're thinking, I was gone two hours and the house is trashed.
He's probably thinking "She was gone two hours and still came home in a bad mood".
I think you should talk to him and agree to have a "buffer" of time before being upset the minute you walk in. That goes for both of you.
Just my opinion.
Best wishes.
It's all in how you word it, and your tone. If you walk in the door & immediately "nag" him, of course he's going to be pissed. My friend always gives me this advice - wait until you're calmed down, and then tell him how much the whole thing bothered you. No one responds well & nothing gets accomplished when you're entering a conversation already pissed off. It's easier said than done. You get more bees with honey, as they say. And starting off with a vinegar mouth puts everyone on edge.
Well, I would be upset if I came home from work and the baby was a mess and my husband hadn't taken the time to clean him up.
The living room? I would've cleaned it up and made my displeasure known to all around me that I am NOT THE MAID!! THE "M" stands for MOMMY NOT MAID!!!
I wouldn't be eating in front of the computer either. yuck.
Men "hear" the negative a lot more easily than they do the praise. So try sandwiching your vent - hey honey - thanks for taking care of the kids...I wish you would've wiped Johnny's face off and cleaned up the living room - but I appreciate you taking care of our children....he'll hear good and bad and MIGHT help pick up....you never know!!
Do you use "I" statements? Do you say...I feel really upset that the baby is covered in applesauce. Is there any way you could clean her up? Or I am so frustrated that I cleaned the whole house before I left and came home and its trashed! Could you please help me pick up the house before you go to bed? If not, try these types of statements and your hubby cant fault you for what you say or how you feel. How you feel is just that. He most likely felt defensive and badgered when you were telling him those things---he took it as an attack and you really just needed him to listen to you vent and help you out. Communication is key. Hang in there!
M
When I get home and I see the house standing and the kids running around and breathing, I am good to go. Men and women run things differently, if you make a deal of how he does it, he may not be as open to you getting out!! I have had my days, moments etc for sure when if someone walked in it could look like a circus around here! Things do get out of hand fast sometimes and it is easy to be critical when you weren't the one handling things. It was just applesauce, no biggie really. The living room might have been a bit of mess, but I doubt your vacuuming was shot and there was pudding all over the walls or something. Maybe just toys or some dishes? I think you overreacted personally. If I walked in on that I would just probably say to my baby "wow, is there anywhere you didn't get that applesauce??!!" and just take a wet towel and wipe him off, probably laughing. Life is too short for applesauce and toys to create drama. I think it would be great if you could just tell him you walked in and felt ticked off that things were in disarray but you are sorry for coming off naggy and that you appreciate him being with the kids while you were out. I sure appreciate it when my hubby tells me thanks for doing such a good job with our kids even though it's my 'job' to care for them. I know he appreciates it when I praise how hard he works for us even though it's his 'job' to provide. So I think you just need to tweak your attitude a little and apologize. I don't think what he did was a biggie and I don't think momentary frustration by you was a biggie, sounds like an off day. Good luck!
Yes, you did your best to make the livingroom look good. Hubby didn't think about all the work you did or took it for granted. Baby with applesauce all over was a straw that broke the camel's back and you snapped.
As others have said, no likes someone walking in the door barking orders or critique in the negative. Yes, he could have picked up the livingroom and yes he could have cleaned up the baby and the applesauce zone but he did. He didn't "think" about it. Just a man thing.
You have to remember it's not what you say - it's how you say it and the tone of your voice. Practice with a tape recorder or something so that you hear what others hear and then correct it. Things go better with honey.
Learn the art of communication and compromise. Your life will get better. Parenting and marriage are 24/7 jobs for all involved.
The other S.
PS Learn from this experience and better the environment for all in the house.
Nah, your husband was being a turd.
If you apologize--know what you're apologizing for!
Sounds to me like daddy is overwhelmed with the simple task of watching his own kid(s) for a mere two hours...and that's not a good thing.
Sounds like you need to up the ante to four hours next Sunday!
Seriously--how long does it take to wipe off an applesauce-y face and pick up a "just cleaned" room?
Does he nag you? Does he ask why you didn't do something? If he does, what's the difference in his nagging and your nagging?
It sounds like he just doesn't want to hear any commentary from you at all. And leaving the baby covered in applesauce after only watching her for 2 hours is lazy. Sounds like he was watching TV more than taking care of things.
Next time give him a list of what usually bothers you, asking him to handle it. Before you leave. When you get back, ask him if he followed the list. If he says he didn't, then you will know that he is doing it on purpose.
Then you have to decide how you are going to proceed. If he is used to you doing everything for him, perhaps you shouldn't until he starts treating you better. In the same vein, trying not to fuss at him as soon as you walk in the door might help. Just don't allow this to prevent you from going out. This is HIS child too, and he doesn't have a right to leave all the child care on your shoulders.
Good luck,
Dawn
Men hear it as nagging.
Or griping.
Or as complaining.
Which to some extent, it was.
But his reaction, is his. He decided to react that way, to you saying that.
Everyone has off days.
And the tone of voice... is what irks a Man.
To them, all they hear is "nagging."
He sounded like he was PMS'ing.
;)
Men, nag too.
ALL my friends say that about their Husbands.
And, they do.
The men though, won't admit it.
