Almost 4 Yr Old lying...and Sticking to It!

I can sympathize! My 4.5 year old has just started doing to same thing! We've tried the same things that you have tried and still she sticks to her story. She doesn't do it often or about anything that is really important but I don't want her lying! Recently, after she's been given every opportunity to 'come clean', we simply say "that is a lie. We do not lie. The truth is ..... Then we hand out a consequence - take a toy or movie that she really likes. I think its starting to help. She asked me the other day if I still love her when she lies. I told her that I will always love her but that I am very disappointed when she lies. She hasn't lied since!
Is this a fluke? I don't know but I do know that learing what "truth" and "honesty" is can be complicated - especially for a child!

Yep. The liar phase. I'm not a child psychologist, but I play one at home. :)(okay, I'm 39, so most of you probably don't know that commercial and can ignore that!)

For starters, we chose not to use the word "lie" in our home. A lie quickly fuels the name calling, and being called a liar is hurtful. A lie is something told with disregard to truth or feelings. (I have a 9 year old, 5 year old, 3 year old who is currently going through the 'creative untruths' and a one year old, for reference!).

When my oldest starting telling 'untruths' I was mortified. I knew he must have inherited it from his Dad, so obviously I was married to a big fat cheating liar, right??? JK.
The main goal of this reply is to assure you that this too shall pass. Untruths become boring once they no longer elicit responses and we don't entertain the creativity. The challenge is to redirect the creativity into storytelling or something.
But here's what WE'VE done that works for us. Sometimes the untruths can be really serious. Things like "What happened to your sister? Why is she screaming hysterically??"
I explain like this: "If I don't know the truth, I can't fix the situation. My job is to protect all of my babies. I am not angry, I am concerned. You can be Mommy's really big helper by telling me exactly what happened so that I can be sure Fiona is okay! Can you help Mommy?" I'll admit, this is REALLY hard to do when the baby is wailing, but that's a serious example, when likely the culprit is looking right into your eyes saying he doesn't know what happened or that the one year old fell off a bike...
Typically it's more like "WHY is there an entire box of cereal ground into the carpet?" Naturally, it was once again Fiona. She used super strength to jump up to the tot lock on the pantry, chose Griffin's favorite cereal from the top shelf, opened the new box, found the toy, put it together and then proceeded to smash the entire box of cereal in a rain dance. Hmmmm... So really the point here isn't to win the battle of the truths, it's to discredit the attempt. At this age, they aren't lying to get out of trouble. If I have the time (ha) I try to work with the untruth. "That is too funny! Did you help her up to the lock? You must be strong! Why did you let her smash the cereal? Well, next time could not let her do that? It makes a terrible mess and now YOU and MOMMY have to clean it up! I was going to read you a story now, but we need to clean this first. Maybe we'll be able to read a story later."

I know; easier to write calmly than to follow through with while remaining calm. Especially when there are other parents around, likely ready to accept that your child, because of a little untruth, is the next mass murderer. But I really do TRY. I've found that what they really are seeking is my undivided attention and devotion to them. That it doesn't matter what they say or do, I've got their back. If I can take a breather and remember that, I need less wine.

And remember, anyone who tells you their child has never told a lie either hasn't hit that phase or is guilty of telling untruths. :)

Okay; the one year old is in the "If I can reach it, it's going" phase and WE need to get out the vacuum to clean up the bag of bird seed that should have been on a higher shelf. Best of luck to you!

Kids this age (my daughter will be 4 in June too) seem to have a hard time grasping real and not real. I find that what works best for us is to say "you really wish that..." and no punishment, just correcting the situation, as in "you really wish that you didn't spill the juice, but it needs to be cleaned up, so lets get a rag." or "you really wish that you didn't do _____ and it makes you sad that you upset people you love." acknowledge his feelings more than his words. Also, for some offenses we pretend with her, as in "you wish that your younger sister was the one to spill, we can pretend it wasn't you, but we still need to clean it up." They are just learning the difference between real and pretend and pretending and lying, and it is up to you to teach. Their imaginations are so vivid sometimes they're not sure. I also think it is important not to try to trap kids in a lie... instead of saying "did you spill the juice?" I say "I see that the juice was spilled" If they see that it's not that big of a deal and you already realize what happened, they're less likely to lie. If honesty is very important to you, your son will see that and see you being honest. Most kids go through a phase about lying, it doesn't mean you don't have a trustworthy son.

K.

L. -

Lying is something nearly ALL kiddos try their hand at a time or two. I have been there with both my kids. When my son was littler I read him books about lying & we discussed them. That seemed to help a lot. I also tried to explain to him that lying to me and his father would make us unable to believe him so that when there was a big emergency or situation we wouldn't know whether to believe his story or not. We explained that if say, he were to fake being sick enough times, that then when he really was sick we wouldn't believe him. Try role playing with him and modeling the kind of behavior you want from him. A lot of times this really helps kids. Also, be sure there is a particular consequence for lying - that could be a "chore" or no playing outside that evening etc. Whatever it is you use just be CONSISTENT. Another thing you could try is the marble/penny jar. Get a jar with some marbles/pennies and each time you catch him telling the truth - let HIM put in one marble/penny. If you catch him in a lie - have HIM take a marble/penny or two out. Discuss what the prize will be if he fills or gets a certain number of marbles/pennies in his jar. He will have a goal he's working towards AND you will be reminded to praise all those times he DOES tell the truth which will reinforce the behavior you are wanting from him. I hope you find something that works. Lying is a terrible trait and as parents we definitely want to believe in what our kids tell us. I am sure it will get better! Just keep at it! :)

Roxanna

This is very typical and he really does believe it happened the way he wants it to have happened. He is still trying to figure out the world and does not have near the life experience that you do. He honestly believes that Spiderman could show up at any moment as well because he has seen it happen. Never mind it was a movie! You are just going to have to be a broken record about not lying because he really is not old enough to have that concept mastered yet.

Unfortunately, he's being a 4 year old. At that age they engage in what's commonly called "magical thinking" . Basically, if I say that it's so, it is. They don't consider it lying, they really wish that it was true. Usually to avoid consequences, or your disapproval.

Scenario:
Johnny is sitting on the kitchen counter. The lid to the cookie jar is off, and there are crumbs on his face and shirt. You say "JOHNNY! Did you eat cookies without permission???" Johhny says, "No."

obviously, you know he did. Johnny knows he did but wishes he didn't so he says "no." The problem is that they just are very impulsive, consequences seem way far off in the misty dim future(if they even think that far ahead) They REALLY don't want to get into trouble.

The problem is to be consistant in letting Johnny know you know he did "whatever", and tell him what the consequence is for the transgression, and follow through.

Don't set him up to lie. If you know he did it, and catch him "redhanded", don't ask him if he did it. You are setting him up to use his magical thinking cap.

Tell him, "I know you ate these cookies, you have the crumbs on your face. YOU know you are supposed to ask. You have to go to your room until supper."

Or something similar.

I wouldn't keep giving him opportunities to come clean. Just tell him you KNOW he's lying (you can tell him how you know if you want) and let him know how important it is that he is honest, so you will trust him. Then I would punish him--severely, for each occurrence. I don't mean physically, of course, but take away a privilege that really hurts. When my kids did this (and they both did for awhile) I let them know I demand honesty.

We went throught the exact thing with my 5 year old and all I can say is that it does get better. I am with you and honesty is very important to me, so I was not going to stand for it. It was so hard for me to understand how he could even try to lie about it when HE was clearly the one who did (said offense). But, stick to your guns (as you have obviously been doing) and it will get better. At least it did for us. Sometimes he still lies, but I can get him to tell the truth now when he does. It's all a process.

It is totally normal for preschoolers to lie and they don't mean anything deceptive by it. They are just starting imaginitive play and the line between truth and fiction is difficult for them to separate. They honestly believe sometimes that their lies are the truth. Babycenter.com has good tips for different ages - just go the the site and search for lying.

I also have a near 4 year old who is going through the same phase. I have three children and all three did the lying thing at about this age. They go through it again at around 7 or 8 years of age. The only advice I can give is to just remain consistant in punishments and eventually it will sink in. It took my son longer to get over it than my oldest daughter. Good luck!

C. B

Well I dont have any suggestions for you but my son is turning 4 in August and I have noticed him doing the same thing lately. Does you son go to daycare? Maybe he is learning from someone else? My son is home with me so not sure what his excuse is. I did not have this issue with my daughter. Maybe it is just a phase?