How to Address Dishonesty from a 3 Yr Old.

Get a book on child development.

He's 3 years old. He's not lying. He doesn't know what a lie is.

Sounds more like manipulation than lying. In both cases, he didn't ask for what he really wanted, and manipulated you to get it instead. That's what you need to address. I think if it were me, I'd have taken the toy away (the one he got off the floor, AND the one from the happy meal). You can say, very simply and without anger, "Bobby, you told me that you had to go potty. But actually, you didn't have to go potty. You just wanted your toy. That's not okay to lie to me. I'm going to take your toy away now." And then let him cry and get upset or whatever, but he will learn that manipulation is not rewarded. This is really pretty normal behavior in kids this age - but still you don't want to encourage it.

At that age, he doesn't realize he's being dishonest. It's a concept that they don't grasp very well. It's still important to teach, but it's not something like a 10 year old lying or manipulating. A three year old doesn't get it. When you say you talked to him about it but it didn't seem to register...that's why. He's still quite young.

When our son was three, he would often lie about whether he had done something or not. In his mind he wasn't' lying. There's not a real defined line between imagination and reality at this age. We would tell him "Tyler, it's called lying when you tell us something that didn't really happen. It's not good to lie. Next time we ask, we want you to tell us what really happened, okay?" He didn't really get it all the way. He did seem surprised that there was something wrong with what he did and the concept of truth and lie was new to him. But he did improve. We don't punish at that age for it. It's just too young.

Maybe for your case, something like "Next time you want a toy, you need to tell me you want the toy instead of saying you need to go potty/want a meal." Explain that what he's doing is what is called dishonest. And it's very important that he tell you the truth...just along those lines. I'm sorry if I'm not explaining this well! I feel like I have the concept in my head, but I'm not doing very well at explaining it (very sleep deprived!).

Basically I wouldn't punish at this age and would try to get the concept through his head with explanation on a level he would understand. He WILL gain the ability to understand it better as he gets older. I certainly expect an older child to be honest...a child that age of your son it's just something they don't really get very easily...but they do need to start learning it. I'd just be patient and be careful to label him as a liar or anything at this age but try to teach with each experience. Maybe even roll play it. If he does a similar thing where he says something he wants and in reality he wants something else, reenact the situation and have him tell you what he's really meaning, something like "Can I go get the toy in the bathroom?" instead of "I need to go potty." and have him redo it all and then go get the toy. Praise him for telling you what he's really meaning.

I'm going to fall asleep, so I'm going to stop typing now...

wow. some of you mamas are sure harsh on a 3 year old...yikes! i certainly would not put something nasty in his mouth, lie to him deliberately just to hurt his feelings, or take away the toy he (didn't) lie to get (although, i would expect him to eat his dinner before he got the toy, that's the rule at our house anyway). i don't believe a 3 year old is deceptive or manipulative, consciously. if he did a certain thing to get a certain result, it's because someone at some point has fulfilled what he wanted, when he did that. not his fault and not worth "punishing" him for it. he's only three.

it is hard. mine didn't really start getting it till 4. when he was little, i would ask him, is that what REALLY happened, or is that what you were thinking about happening, in your head? they really DON'T get it, but at least i wanted him to think about the difference. now we are to the point (he is 4 1/2), where mostly i "know" when he's lying, and i call him on it EVERY time (well, every time has been like three times lol). i don't ever want him to lose the feeling that mom " ALWAYS KNOWS"...lol. i hate to be lied to, but i am terrified of the day i find out he has lied to me about something big. honestly, i kind of force him to tell me the truth. when i KNOW the truth, i hope that forcing him to tell me will get him in the habit of telling the truth, the times i really don't. when he does finally tell me the truth, i thank him and tell him how much i appreciate his honesty. i give him a hug. but then if he has to go to timeout, it is with a hug and a "thank you", instead of with a mad mommy.

i know it would be naive to think it always will work lol...but so far it works for us....

oh, also, keep it in perspective - to a 3 year old, asking, "did you feed the dog?" without him understanding, "did you feed the dog in the last hour?" is really hard (since they don't know what "hour" means!) he may say, "yes mommy," and he's not lying - he did. he remembers that he did. he may not realize that was yesterday and you're asking about tonight. you kind of have to put yourself in his head. it's possible that he really did feel the need to potty when he said it...but then by the time you stopped he was distracted by a toy that was dropped and the potty feeling goes away (or, he was then more interested in the toy and didn't "feel the need" to go potty - maybe he was bored when he said it to begin with?). he may actually equate being hungry and stopping at mcdonald's with a toy. so i am sure, at 3, he is not deliberately lying to you. good luck! i prefer not to place the expectation of dishonesty, manipulation, and deceipt on my child. they're really pretty innocent until they are taught otherwise.

Having worked with children for a long, long time, I'd like to throw my two cents in.

First, I would never, ever use anything in a child's mouth to try to correct what we consider a lie. This, to me, is a cruel way to prove a point and very retribution-based: "you hurt my feelings, so I hurt/sully your mouth". Placing anything other than medication into another person's body requires consent. I believe we teach respect from birth.

Children at this age do start to tell us what we 'want' to hear in order to get what they want. Is this the beginning of being manipulative or bending the truth? It really depends. Is it an out and out malicious lie, intended to hurt you or your feelings? Likely, not.

Can you think back, just for a minute, about those conversations? Were these untruths based on information he had gathered from repeated conversations? I ask this because often, parents convey to our children what is an acceptable reason for something. "Can we get a Happy Meal?" says the child. "Not right now, you just had lunch. Let's save that for when you are hungry." or "I want that toy right there." says the child. "I'm not stopping to get that for you. Let's wait until we take a bathroom break."

If you understand what I'm saying, then you will know that part of this is very normal kid development. We've given them information, and now they are trying to employ it.

What I do when my son tells me something untrue (he's four) is to first give the benefit of the doubt. What was he trying to accomplish? Would he think he would automatically get shot down for trying to ask for it directly? Then I'll correct this. "You know, I stopped the car because you told me you needed to use the toilet. Now you are saying you don't. So, this is what we're going to do. Let's try to use the potty first." Once this is done, "Now, the next time you want the toy, you need to ask for it so I know what you really want."

OR, if he chose not to use the potty, I'd likely tell him "Well, you told me you needed to go potty, but that was not the reason you wanted to stop. You told me something that wasn't true. Next time, please tell me that you just want the toy, and we'll make a plan for when you can have it." The *following time* that particular incident happened where an untruth is told to get the toy, then I'd be clear that he couldn't have it.

The Happy Meal? "Oh, the toy will wait until after you've finished eating." If the whining continued: "We bought this food because you said you were hungry. But that wasn't true. You wanted the toy. I don't like when you tell me things that aren't true." Decide if you want to give him the toy later on, or not.

I do not use the word "lie" so much as True or Not True, Real and Not Real. "Lying" is a very abstract concept for younger children, and they aren't always understanding of their own selves, so even as they get older, I shy away from asking the child "why did you lie to me?" or any other question that demands an explanation of their motives. Kids are pretty simple-- in both cases, your son wanted to toy and figured out ways to get it. Keep in mind, too, that waiting even five minutes for something for a three year old can seem like an eternity, so it's not surprising they would try to say something to hurry their satisfaction along. I'm not excusing it, but trying to help you see it from his perspective.

And the reason it doesn't seem to register to your son is that three year olds don't see any harm in telling us things that aren't true. This is far more abstract than, say, taking a toy from another child or hitting, which are more concrete physical actions/offenses. From my experience, most of what they tell us that *isn't* true is meant to impress us or their peers, or to find a way of being 'like' someone else. Sometimes my preschoolers, at Gathering, will share about their weekend. One child will say "I went to the beach". The next child, who didn't, might also say "I went to the beach". This could mean several things: it could mean "I have also gone to the beach, so I know what you are talking about" or "I've never gone to the beach, but it seems interesting and I like you, so I'll have this in common with you" or "I've never gone to the beach but I'd really like to go, because people are interested in what you are saying and I like it when people are interested in me". Or even "I like you and I want to do what you do." NONE of this is malicious. There's certainly a lot of wishful thinking going on though.

At three, too, the realm of imaginative play develops, and children do not just leave it at playtime. One five year old child I nannied for told me that her father played for the Texas Rangers with Sammy Sosa. "Oh really?" I replied. (Her father is a design engineer.) I let her continue. "Yeah, and wait until I tell Johnny's mom! She's going to be so impressed!" Now, I could've given her a big talking-to, but what does it prove to break down a youngster of this age? Instead, I suggested that it was an interesting story and if she'd like, we could make a book about this. This is also an age when children begin to understand some 'right and wrong' and begin to wrestle with understanding that some feelings seem socially less appropriate than others. So, imaginary friends and 'stories' often come to the fore.

My son, by the way, told me for days that he was having a hard time at his preschool. I racked my brain for encouraging suggestions for him. Then, after a conversation with his teacher, I learned that this was all to impress me and get my attention. When preschool was "fine", we breezily moved on. When preschool was "not good", Mama got very interested and concerned. Lesson learned.

I apologize for the length of this, and I did want to point out that there are many different facets of 'lying'. One book to check out might be "A Good Enough Parent" by Bruno Bettelheim. The focus of the book is about helping our children emotionally through their growing-up years, and there are some great chapters on the child's internal reality and how it relates to their behavior and play. Addressing this is so important, as you said, and keep reminding your son of what's 'true and untrue'. It's also important not to get yourself so boxed into 'teaching honesty' through punishment that you end up having a child who lies constantly. For me, these ages are learning times, and simply stating what's true and untrue, and bringing THAT into focus can be more instructive for 3-5s.

He's only three!!!!

At three years old it's called "pretending" or "make-believe." I don't agree that "of course it needs to be addressed now," as you put it.

Is this really a legitimate post? It's hard to believe a mother would actually be concerned or surprised that her 3 year old "just wanted a toy" and would call it lying. Why do you think they put toys in Happy Meals? So kids will bug their parents to buy them.

If this is a real post, sorry, but you need to lighten up.

Get something that tastes really nasty and put it in his mouth when he lies. Talk about how nasty those lies taste and that as nasty as they taste they hurt your feelings. This has worked great with all 4 of mine.

Even if he doesn't seem to get it, keep saying it. Come up with a short message to use so that he hears the same words each time so that he doesn't get confused with too much dialogue. He will eventually get it. :)

Three year olds don't understand the concept of lying. But ALL children lie. And lots of what we as parents do makes it much worse.

This is a great article on the topic with some research to back it up.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1122...

I don't know how it would work with your examples but my policy has always been if you lie the punishment for what was lied about was doubled. If you tell the truth before the crime is discovered your punishment is halved.

The hungry one is easy, next time he is hungry he goes without since he lied before you can't trust him. The bathroom one is harder since he would wet himself. Had he asked before if you could hand him the toy? If he had asked it would make it easier to figure out which potty stops are for other purposes.

He's young but keep instilling the "truth" in him. Discipline him when he decides to be deceptive to get what he wants. When it comes to stopping to get a kids meal, I have not problems with that and getting a toy. But we have a firm rule that all food and drink must be finished before the toy is handed out, period. If they don't finish then we save it later for a snack and the toy is kept until it's finished. This way he will not be obliged to lie to get the toy cuz he can't have it! We've also lied to our children intentionally to show them how it feels. We've gone as far as telling them we were going to someplace wonderful and fun and then when it was time to go we'd stop and say, nope, we're not going. We just said that so you would clean your room. They'd throw fits and then sit them down, apologize as we would expect them to and then remind them of the lies they told us and show them how bad it makes people feel. We won't lie again, will we? It hurts our feelings, doesn't it? I won't lie to you again. You won't lie to me again, right? Right!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

I agree with Catherine. I think you need to address the issue of manipulation and taking the toy away is a logical consequence. I feel that logical consequences make more of an impact but are sometimes hard to enforce, especially when you might be feeling upset about the situation. Although technically this is lying, that word makes me feel uncomfortable when talking about a 3 year old. They are right on the cusp of learning about the world and how to get what they want. What he did was not okay, but I don't think it was as malicious as I think lying sounds...just a personal preference for me probably.