Almost 13 Y/o Daughter Has No Real Friends

Dear Joanie,
Just let her be, if she is not crying about it, making a big deal about it, getting depressed about it, then just let her be. Not all of us like to have a lot of 'friends'. I have a lot of acquaintances but only 2 real good friends other than my husband. Some of us do not like the drama :) I found out that I am one of them. Girls/women are very dramatic and some of us don't like to deal with that. The competition, the gossip, the drama in general!
Be happy for her! She is not missing out, at her own time and the right age she will find that one friend that she will cherish forever!
Blessings

I say as long as she is truly happy with the way things are....let it be. I'm a loner myself, I enjoy being alone and don't feel the need to be around people all the time.

Sign her up for activities that have nothing to do with school so that she will have a chance with a different group of kids. Drama Class, Art Class, Sports or youth groups.

Do your best not to quiz her too much about it. If your daughter is like I was.....often things didn't bother me until my mother mentioned them.....then I thought maybe they "should" be bothering me and it fueled anxiety.

Sounds like you have a sweet young lady that just needs to find her niche.

Listen to your daughter.

Gosh she sounds exactly like our daughter. She can be soooo shy and yet once you get to know her she is very clever and funny. She has always been very mature compared to her peers.

She had her own "lunch bunch" at school but they did not go out together very often, maybe once or twice a year. They were involved in a variety of activities so it made it hard to get together.. They were also very much into their grades, so they spent lots of time talking about school work.. Only a few of them were boy crazy, so they were not into all of that type of thing.. They are not big consumers and found shopping boring! (I have been in retail for over 35 yrs, love to shop).

I was the PTA President and very involved in her schools so I would encourage the girls to help with the different projects that the teachers administrators and others needed help with. This way even if they did not want to go to the dance, this was a way to at least get them involved by making and then setting up the decorations. The school Carnival they loved but instead of just hanging out, they volunteered to be the photographers.

All of us moms of these girls encouraged the girls to get together. We would host game nights for them, providing the food. Or movie nights.. One family is really into Sci Fi so they would host all day viewing parties.. This was maybe 4 times a year. I wish it had been more.

In High School it did not change much, but our daughter found a few more friends and was involved in community service art etc.. so those kids become their own community.. Now that our daughter is far away in college, she has blossomed, she literally glows when she is on campus.

. She has found others that are like her with the same interest, think being smart is important. Since they all live in dorms, they all care for each other.. These other girls are now her best friends and like sisters to her.

So just encourage your daughter to try to organize some activities with these friends every once in a while.. Meeting for a movie, meeting at the book store, bowling, game night.. Or you moms could organize it. Once the girls get there they have a great time, they are just not always confident to put themselves out there..

I don't know about you but middle school "friendships" and social interactions were not always fun for me. In fact I don't know a single woman who would describe those days as fun or in many cases even tolerable. It sounds like your daughter may be avoiding a life experience that caused many people a lot of pain. I'd say that is pretty intuitive and it sounds like she knows what she's doing. Unless she seems sad or confused follow her lead. She'll reach out socially when she's ready. Until then enjoy having her around this stage won't last forever!

One of the most important things I learned about myself as I've aged is who I want my friends to be vs. who I thought I wanted them to be.

I am much more comfortable with some personalities vs. others but can be cordial with just about anyone. I have a lot of "friends" who are really acquaintances, but few real friends. I'd take 2-3 great friends over a large group any day.

Perhaps your daughter just hasn't found her niche yet and the right kind of people who really make her comfortable. I, though, am still not comfortable reaching out and inviting people to do things because I hate rejection, so I wait for the phone to ring and get disappointed when it doesn't.

If she has any passions she really likes (sports, theater, etc) and can get more involved, she may be able to connect with some other kids who really bond with her and develop those lasting important relationships.

My memories of 7th and 8th grade were that that was a very socially traumatic time for me. Groups of friends were constantly shifting, dividing, and reforming, and some girls are really into boys while others are still into playing dolls. Rumors start, kids can get nasty, and it's a very difficult time! If your daughter is happy, leave her alone (but make sure she understands that she can always come to you if she is lonely or unhappy). If she still has no real friends when she is in high school, you might investigate again, but for right now, she might know what she's doing by keeping her nose out of the messes that adolescent girls can cause!

It doesn't sound like she is lonely, it sounds like she is jus more of an introvert. She's around her peers all day at school, and prefers to have more quiet time outside of school to recharge her batteries. I think that is perfectly OK. A lot of people, even kids, enjoy quiet time alone or with family at home. The key is that she is content with her level of social interaction. I think the fact that she sits with the same group at lunch every day and is happy at school is a very good sign.

If something comes along you think she may enjoy, a particular movie, summer festival, sporting event, day at the beach, or whatever, you can gently suggest she may invite a friend to join her, you can offer to take her and one friend. It helps to have something planned to do. Just inviting someone over puts pressure on her to "entertain" someone, which can be difficult at this age.

Also, the small group thing can be very intimidating for girls around this age. Instead of inviting a bunch over or out at one time. I would encourage her to plan a few activities with just one friend. Otherwise, I wouldn't worry if she is happy, encourage her to focus on the activities and interests she is passionate about. She'll be exposed to more kids who share similar interests, not just those who she happens to sit next in class.

Being a girl is hard. I had very few friends outside of school, and now at 42- I have only one out side of work- and we never see each other. it is hard to get girls to socialize like the boys do- I don't know what the answer is, but I do know "it's a girl thing"

Thank God she is happy and content. That is fine! Let her be herself - not your idea of what is normal. The fun she might not be taking part in may in the long term be good she stayed out of.

I love Michael Gurian's "The Wonder of Girls". One thing he talks about is that girls, to be healthy, need a strong home life - not a lot of friends.

Enjoy having a happy, healthy, content teenager!

It sounds like your daughter's happy with the way things are. I think she seems sad when you bring it up because she's aware of how it makes YOU feel. Some kids are outgoing and need a constant party to be happy. Others like to join the party occasionally, on their own terms, and prefer to spend most their time alone. There is no "right" way. Being alone does not equal being lonely. What might seem like "fun" to you might be a nightmare for her. I used to feel the same way as a teen when I'd be talked into going out with a bunch of girls, then being there and wishing I were at home with a good book instead of a loud room full of obnoxious people. Everyone else seemed to be having fun, but I hated it. Listen to your daughter, she's doing just fine!

Annette D. said a word I think really fits your daughter and that word was "Introvert". Introverts thrive best when to themselves. Being in a group setting or rooms full of people are just draining and not invigorating. Your daughter is just fine because she seems well adjusted and does have positive interaction with her classmates.

Not everyone needs the crowd or even wants the crowd. You may want to get her involved in some out side of school activities to help her better define the kinds of things she likes to do and join up with others who are passionate about the same kinds of things.

Don't worry she seems just fine. I'm in my 40's and still only have two close friends and we don't spend much time together but my life is rich and full.

All kids don't need friends around them. She doesn't seem to be complaining about the way she is being treated. She maybe knows better than you where those girls are headed and she doesn't want to go there. Although we homeschooled my twins they had friends but by the time they got home from any homeschool event one of my twins was exhausted from all the interaction, and the other was flying with excitement, all from the same event. They didn't hang around with the 2 girls that I thought had great moms etc. They would say that the girls were OK but they didn't care. Guess what today both those girls are unmarried & pregnant, my girls are in college with GPAs of 3.7. They both have friends and are busy with their own activities in their own schools. One in art, and one journalism. Friends were not their top priority, I spent years trying to find those friends & they found them themselves when they were ready.

She's fine with things as they are. Why does it bother you? She might not enjoy the 'fun' things you think she is missing as much as you do. I've never been big on girl friends myself, and a lot of my best friends were guys. They were boys who happened to be friends (no romantics at all) as oppose to boy friends (who I got all mushy about). It's great you are keeping on eye on her, but let her handle her own friendships for right now.

I don't think its a big deal. I would not push it really. The only thing is making sure she is happy, as as you have wrote, she is a happy little girl. If she is happy, that's the only thing that matters. And her friends at school could just school friends and that's all. If she really wants some regular, going out friends, she can make some on her own (I would imagine she would)

That was me! Don't worry about it. I was pleasant with people, but did not have friends until late high school (only one or two friends I even talked to) and then in college. I hated it when my mom tried to get me to have people over and generally just did not like being around people my age. I would say that I was anti-social, but I was just indifferently social. I have asked my mom about it and she said she finally stopped worrying since I seemed pretty content to hang out alone. Parents trying to interfere with friendships and analyze quantity of friends is very frustrating for a child, so if she is content, do not worry about it. Children really do not have to have lots of friends. :)

If she is ok why are you worried? Ask her if she wants to invite anyone over. I don't know if her grades are up and she is happy there is no reason to worry. I don't know unless I am missing something there isn't much more you can do.

I think you have to let go and let her find her own way. If the only time she gets sad is when you talk about it, that should tell you something. My mother always tried to get me to date more. Saying that this friend would be a good date, or that I shouldn't be trying so hard to meet a boyfriend and I should just have fun. I understand why she said that now that I am an adult (and I got married almost as young as she did, 25) but I am a happily married woman with plenty of friends and this is who I am. I don't have any regrets. But the more you try to push her to be someone she isn't (or isn't ready to be) then more she is just going to be herself while pushing you away.

Some kids really don't crave a lot of socialization. My daughter is almost 15 and there have been times over the years where I've thought she should be more proactive about calling her friends (she does have them) and setting up plans, whereas my almost 11 year old would make plans with friends both days every weekend if I let him.
My suggestion would be first, to take her word about her feelings unless you have good reason to suspect otherwise. Is she involved in any extra curricular activities? A sport, a school club, local drama production, any local classes for teens are a good way to spend time with other teens who have a similar interest and increase socialization
Good luck

You've gotten a ton of really good feedback, but I thought I'd just chime in and say that almost 13 is a funky age and if she seems happy with her friend situation she probably is. I also didn't have very good friends or much of a social life until late in high school and until then I was content with reading and crafting. That being said, my father's rule was that I HAD to do one extracurricular activity per term. And while at the time I was frustrated by this rule, it totally changed my life for the better and I am SO thankful that I had the opportunities that I did. I started with sports because that's what I thought he meant I had to do, but soon found the drama department and couldn't have been happier. I am still friends with those people today and I'm almost 39. She will find her way and her 'people' soon. Give her time and love and try not to worry too much. :)

If she is happy let her be, she might never be the belle of the ball OR she might blossom and become an actress. But whatever happens it is HER personality and she should be happy with it. The more you worry about it, the greater the chances that she will start to worry and not be happy with herself any more. Would you worry that she couldnt play the piano or draw a great picture or be the fastest runner?

She sounds like a really sweet girl. Is she involved in any activities? Cheerleading, sports, art? Find something she is into that she isn't involved in now. Then she can meet people that she shares an interest with. Hopefully she can find some girl friends that way. Good luck.