Hi. I am deeply worried about my daughter. She is in fifth grade and having a terrible time with friends. She has never been a social butterfly but has always had at least one. In the social circle of girls at school she is considered cool. She is pretty and dresses hip. But she is terribly insecure and thinks she is so fat and ugly. This year she has started clinging onto the really cute popular girls. She always tells me she wants to be like them.They like her but then get sick of her and stop speaking to her. This breaks her heart and mine. I know she has to figure things out on her own and I don't want to tell her what to do but should I? This is very difficult for me to navigate. Can anyone help as this is such a pivotal time for her and I don't know what to do. Thank u!!
O my gosh!!! U girls r so awesome! Yes yes and yes u r right! I will help her to find what it is that makes her excited and put her in it!!! Find new friends the kind that share her interests! She needs to start being comfortable in her own skin and i need to help her. Last night things got worse. She was bullied by one of the girls. Not good. So hard. I remember too what this was like but you guys really put it in perspective. Sometimes that all moms need, a new way of looking at things. Xo
I too recommend activities outside of school. My girls are involved in theatre and absolutely love it. They have friends from many different area schools because of it. It also teaches skills that they will have for a lifetime.
My friend started her middle school age daughhter ice skating and she too has broaden her circle of friends.
Best of luck.
Read "Queen Bees and Wanna Be's". I just can't recommend that book enough! You have a important, wonderful role to play in this for her.
One thing that can really help a kids emotions/mentality... is to be themselves. And encourage this.
When a child, "compares" themselves to others, this is when they get insecure. If they know who they are, they are less prone, to worrying about what others think of them.
She doesn't have to figure it out on her own by herself. She has you.
A Mom, guides, her child.
That is what we are for.
Keep communication open with her, so that she knows she can tell you anything. Because once she gets older, you want her to feel free to tell you things, her innermost feelings.
I have a daughter. Who is 10. Ever since my kids were 2 years old, I always taught them, to be, themselves. And they are. I taught them that everyone is different. I always taught them, to know WHO they are. And so they can gauge, others as well. And it helps them to find positive friends who are friends. Not just superficial friends.
she needs to find friends in a smaller group.. join a dance class, or a cheerleader class, an art class, gymnastic class,
join girl scouts, does she go to church .. friends from sunday school..
most of classroom time is for learning not much socializing.. so try to have her social afterschool at a class.
I was the same way, even in high school. It actually helped that during senior year a friend was honest with me and told me how I was annoying. I wanted to be liked, so I spent all my time thinking how I wasn't liked by many. I should've been spending my time on a hobby. I could've joined a sport like track or soccer and then I would've had friends. I also didn't have a strong family bond.
Now that I'm older I try to keep my family interested in activities together. I also find that I get along with people that I can relate to. I can't really hold a conversation with drinkers, but I get along great with outdoorsy families.
I definitely recommend activities outside of school! It's natural to want to be like the "popular kids"--and just because those kids are sometimes mean on TV shows doesn't mean all popular kids are mean. Some are popular because they are super nice.
It would be a good idea for her to explore her interests outside of school. In an activity there usually isn't a set of popular vs unpopular kids. She could make some friends with similar interests plus getting into something you are excited about can build self esteem.
I also like the extra activities because I can get a chance to know some of the kids and parents and then encourage friendships with the nice kids and kids from caring families. It's nice for me to talk to the parents while we're all sitting on the sidelines!
I also have drilled my daughter on what to do in social situations. That also seems to up her self confidence. We playact with dolls and then I pretend to be someone else and she is herself. Recently there was an issue with some of the kids gossiping about each other and feelings were getting hurt. My daughter and I came up of several things to say and she proudly told me that one of the girls came up to her wanting to spread some gossip about someone else and my daughter put a stop to it. She no longer felt uncomfortable--in fact she said that the girls stopped talking about one another.
Self confidence comes from knowing what to say or do in situations. So helping your daughter practice what to do or say will make it easier for her to navigate those tough social situations. Self confidence does NOT come from flattery! It comes from the knowledge that you are in control and can handle things.
Good luck! These are tough years!
5th grade is awful! All the little social circles start. Some children try to start dating! Puberty hits. It's a tough year for sure. I would be worried too if I were you, but I agree with the Mom's that are telling you to stay involved in helping your daughter find friends. I also agree to encourage clubs or activities away from school. Choose things that your daughter is interested in. Things where she has a chance at success to build her self-esteem.
yes bad age. I would suggest getting her into out of school activities that are not tied to the school. This way she can broaden her horizons and make friends outside of school. By doing this even if she has problems with kids at school she can say but so and so out of school is still my friend
I think instead of worrying about the friends, I would work on her self-esteem. I think once she is happy and content with herself she will be able to bond and form frienships either because she will be comfortable with who she is as a person.
As usual, love SH's response. I couldn't have said it better.
This age is hard! My son has the same problem. He has kids in his class that he gets along with but he really does not have a lot in common with many of them. He was trying to play with some of them at recess one day and one of the girls told him she would give him a quarter to leave them alone and play somewhere else. All you can do is let her know if they are going to not be nice to her it's their loss not hers!
oh I dread elementary school for this very reason. My daughter starts K next year and I'm so worried about all of this drama!
Anyway, I agree to get her involved in some activities to boost her self esteem. Perhaps she is in some that you didn't mention, but a good way to build self perception is to accomplish goals. It can be a sport or an art class or even volunteering, but if she's not involved, she needs to start. You can start by asking her her interests etc. I know that at that age starting a new sport can be very difficult, so if she's interested in sports and things look into your local community centers, they seem to be less competitive sometimes.
You ask if you should tell her what to do... I would! My kids aren't that old yet but I've always made suggestions about social interactions. I don't force things but I definitely explain if people will find something annoying. Have you talked to her much? It's not that clear from your post. I would definitely be talkign to her - a lot. She's only in 5th grade. I would also be strategic. Is there a girl kind of on the fringe too who seems nice? I'd try to cultivate friendships with kids like that. As for her self esteem issues - can't help there but I would almost consult a professional bc for her to feel like that at this age already can't be good... I'd worry she'll develop anorexia or something. Good luck. I dread this type of stuff...
Maybe talk with her teachers to see what they're observing? Also, I'd talk with the school counselor. At our school they will often start social groups for those kids who are awkward or struggle with relationships. In the group they teach them how to display age appropriate social behavior.
Oh the joy! My daughter is also in 5th grade. There has been a definite increase in cliques, gossip, and exclusion this year.
Yes, she has to figure things out on her own, but you can also help guide her. I always tell my daughter that her true friends are the ones that are her friends all the time, not just for a few days here and there. This seems to have helped her recognize when someone is being fake.
I would encourage your daughter to befriend other people besides these popular girls who "get sick of her". Popularity isn't everything. I always tell my daughter that I would rather see her with a small handful of really good friends than with 10 fake friends that she can't trust.
It sounds like your daughter needs her self esteem boosted. Maybe sign her up for a sport or club at school where she can make friends with people she has something in common with.
Best wishes!
tell your daughter just to b eherself if the other kids dont like her thats there loss you can also try singing her up for sports and groups outside of school so he can make different friends but tell her not to worry it is there loss if they dont want to be her friend
she is very particular and is looking for a quality friendship.
T., she is still young enough that you can and should "tell her what to do." But you can go about it in a way that lets her take the lead. Ask questions that let her open up but take care not to badger her too much with questions. Roleplay with her what gets said and ways she can respond.
It's worrying that she is so focused on her looks -- my daughter is in sixth grade and she and her peers are truly not that into how they look or whether someone is "fat and ugly." Is your daughter possibly seeing too much on TV ads, in magazines, etc. that would make her compare herself to some unrealistic standard of size and looks? Do thse "cute popular girls" at school focus a lot on who wears what and how much girls weigh? Ensure that your daughter isn't watching commercial TV or seeing magazines or other media that talk about women's looks. I still avoid the aisles in the grocery stores with those women's magazines that have a ton of "how to lose weight" articles listed on the cover, so my daughter won't have to see that stuff.
Someone suggested "Queen Bees and Wannabes" and I highly recommend it too. These popular girls are turning into queen bees, no question.
I also agree with those saying that she needs engaging and frequent activities outside school. Let her choose based on her own interests -- Girl Scouts, sports (not too competitive unless she's up for that), dance (I would avoid competitive dance because it focuses so much on appearance), art classes at the community center if she likes art, kids' theatre (if she doesn't want to be on stage, would she like to work backstage?), volunteering through a church if that's your thing, etc., etc.
Why are we all recommending activities? The point with activities is that they help a child find friends who become friends based on shared interests -- not on who wears what or who said what to whom. When the link is an interest and not "who's in and who's out" the child knows that she is valued for who she really is and not for her looks or her popularity this week. Your daughter can know while at school that she's not that "fat and ugly" person the queen bees say she is -- she's the girl who loves theatre, or who make great clay sculptures, or whatever really defines her true self.
Do talk to her about how real friends -- kids with real values -- do not tell you they like you one day then tell you they're sick of you the next week. She will not get that at first but needs to hear it. Ask her what it is about them that she wants to "be like" -- their clothes? Their popularity? Does she really want to be "be like them" if that means telling a kid like herself, "I like you...no, I don't like you today and I'm sick of you"? That might get her attention. (Girl Scouts has some very good programs that reinforce that girls are all valuable and must not treat each other that way.)
If she keeps on being miserable and these girls are truly queen bees you need to equip her to deal with them (mostly by ignoring them and finding her own friends who share interests and values). But if it gets really bad I would not hesitate to tell a trusted teacher that there is a powerful mean-girl clique. A good teacher will hear that and -- without identifying the child whose parent blew the whistle -- work to at least ensure that the mean girl clique can't be glued together during the school day (by separating them in classes etc.).
Finally, doesn't her school have a school counselor? In our schools, the counselors do monthly counseling lessons in every class on topics like peer pressure, bullying, etc. If your counselor does not do this as part of his or her job-- he or she should! I would go to the counselor and say that you are seeing this queen bee setup creating pressure and it's time for her to address it. That does NOT mean calling in specific kids, which will only get kids like your daughter on the bad books of the jerky girls. It means doing general counseling lessons for all students, and repeating over and over that popularity isn't about clothes or weight etc. The school can reinforce this and it can be effective.
Your daughter does indeed have to figure most of this out on her own but you CAN help without smothering her - you truly can!
Have you given her the American Girl Library Series? It's different from American Girl Doll books. There is a great one on the care and keeping of friends called "A Smart Girl's Guide to Friendship Troubles" (American Girl Library) by Patti Kelley Criswell
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/?series_id=155180
and
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/smart-girls-guide-to-frie...
I highly, highly recommend this book and any others from this series, especially The Care and Keeping of You.
Good luck. It gets easier...and harder...and different over the next few years.
