Aggressive Two Year Old

A., what you & your son are going through is *very* common - toddlers understand a LOT, but often they are not able to express their needs and/or their feelings (they don't have the language abilities yet - some do, but most don't). I really like this quote by Rue Kream about tantrums:
"To begin with, I don't think of them as tantrums, which to me is a word with a heavily negative connotation. Instead I think of them as times when my child is expressing how she feels in the best way she knows how. By assuming that my children are always doing the best they are able to at any given time, I am able to approach each situation as their ally."

One of the best tools I've found for tantrums is to try and help my kids express themselves, whether with words or signs. Both of my kids (and we parents, too!) learned a ton from the DVD series called SIGNING TIME (and I think it's even on PBS now, too, for free). It's a fantastic ASL (American Sign Language) show just for toddlers & kids, and I've never met a child (or parent) who didn't love it. Learning a few ASL signs together as a family has been *so* incredibly helpful for us, has reduced tantrums, has benefitted my kids verbally (earlier verbal speech, actually!), and is a wonderful bridge for toddlers when they're making the transition between limited speech and fully talking (preschool aged).

ASL is great, but it's not the silver bullet -- here's what else we do with our kids - don't know if it would work for you and yours, so disregard if it doesn't seem helpful for you:

This is really basic, but the first thing I try to do when my toddler is frustrated is to go through this quick checklist of needs (HUNGRY? TIRED? OVERSTIMULATED? EMOTIONAL NEEDS?)...

1) Is he hungry? When hungry, many kids (and even adults!) get less able to control their impulses, get grumpy, etc.

2) Is he tired or overtired? Again, when tired, impulse control (which is already a challenge for toddlers even when they're at their best!) goes way down. It may be time to shift into a quieter gear, maybe some hugs on mom's lap with a nice book, etc.

3) Is he overstimulated? If around too many other kids or in a place that's too busy or loud, toddlers can easily become overwhelmed/overstimulated - throwing/hitting is signal from the child to the parents "hey, mom and dad, I'm not able to handle this environment anymore - please save me/take me out of here!"

4) Is he emotionally needing reconnection? Toddlers are definitely vying for their independence, but they're also still babies! They need frequent check-ins with their parents, even if only for a minute or two, whether physical (hug or kiss or rub on the back) or verbal (I love you, sweetie!). If they're already tantruming, labelling their emotions FOR THEM OUT LOUD will often help them stop freaking out AND it helps them learn the words to what they're feeling, and eventually they'll use the words instead of screaming. This might look like: "Honey, I know you want to play with that knife. You really really wanted to see it, didn't you? Mommy is keeping you safe - you can't play with the knife, it is sharp, ouchie for you..." (etc.) We'll also use ASL here (the sign for "hurt" or the sign for "want" or the sign for "angry").

Anyway... that was a long way of saying:
* always check in w/ basic needs (emotions/empathy, hunger, tired, overstimulated), because if those are met, there are rarely tantrums
* try to give your toddler the tools to express himself better, whether through labelling (for him, out loud) his emotions during his tantrums, and/or using ASL signs until his vocabulary/verbal skills take over

Some great links:

Taming Toddler Tantrums
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t063300.asp

Online, free dictionary of ASL signs (video!)
http://commtechlab.msu.edu/sites/aslweb/browser.htm

Signing Time - Public Television viewing schedule (so you can see it for free, though check w/ your public library to see if they have the DVDs to check out)
http://www.signingtime.com/pressroom/stationcarriage.htm

Temper Tantrums (by Rue Kream - the whole article)
http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/rue_kream3.html

Hope some part of this helps, and hang in there - this is only a phase, it will not last forever! :)

I didn't think too much of it at first...then you mentioned your 6 month old. He's probably noticing now even more then when the baby was born, that you're giving attention, attention that used to be all his, to his little brother. Two year olds have a hard time dealing with new siblings - they have a hard time understanding their feelings of jealousy and that confusion may cause him to act out. Try your best to pay him positive attention throughout the day- avoid using the baby as an excuse to not help him when he wants your attention (Like don't say "I can't help you right now, I'm playing with your brother") even if it's true, don't focus on the baby in your wording. It's very normal for two year olds to act out like that - don't give in to that type of behavior or it will just keep happening. If you're ignoring him - ignore him. If he's hitting his head on something quietly move him to his crib and let him calm down there. The less you respond to the negative behaviors and the more you respond to the positive ones the sooner he will realize the best way to get your attention. Good luck!

well A., i have a question. is he big enough to climb out of a play pen? if not find a room seperate from everything, a laundry room or something and put the play pen in there. when he throws his tantrum put him in there for a few minuted in the playpen so he can't get into anything and harm himself. my niece had a really bad temper too kinda of like what you described and this worked for her...temporarily. when she realized that she would have to sit in a room all by herself and no one was paying attention to her and she couldn't do anything all i had to say when she would act out was "do you want to go sit by yourself and calm down or can you do it in here?" now back to the temporarily part. when she was old enough to climb out of the playpen she thought she had me outsmarted! however i used some "nanny 911" tricks and used the naughty spot thing. everytime she got up i put her back and the first couple time it lasted a while of going back and forth putting her back but eventually it worked and i still use that one today. i really hope this helps you out or at least gives you some ideas. Good Luck!

S.

Hi A.,

My name is D.. I have an aggressive 2 year old as well. She turned 2 in May. It started when she was 1. She would bite, hit, pinch, scratch, and pull hair. She would do it to us (mom, dad and brother), as well as the children she was playing with. I would have to be directly behind or next to her when in public because I never knew what she would do to the child within her reach. She would throw terrible tantrums when she didn't get what she wanted. I became so overwhelmed that I would give her what she wanted because I couldn't take it. I finally realized I needed to address this now because it would only get worse if I allowed this to continue. If I didn't do it now, what would she be like at 5 and 13? I din't even want to imagine. I became firm with her, giving her more structure. I believed some of it was boredom. I had to be consistent, always. I had to employ a completely different and separate parenting style with her than my other child. She has asthma, so she was on steroids twice a day, which certainly didn't help!

She is much better now. She still has her moments, but she isn't anything like she was. Life is much sweeter and more peaceful now. I believe she grew out of most of it, and the changes I made helped a great deal too. I also enrolled her in gymnastics once a week and realized she loves music. When she starts to go after her brother, I distract her with her instuments. It seems to work.

I hope some of this is helpful to you!
D.

Hi A.:

I have a 2 1/2 year old grandson and from about 9 months to 15 months when he didn't get his way he would bang his head on the floor or a door. This worried us as well, so I went to the Dr visit with my daughter and we told her about this behavior. She told us he was doing it for attention and if we gave into this behavior he would continue to do it. She suggested that we turn away from him and ignore it, if he gets no response he will stop doing it. I asked if he would hurt himself and she said he would not bang it hard enough to seriously do any damage. Trust me I wanted to make him wear a football helmet everyday!!! We took the Dr's advice and it took him a little while but he no longer does this (I guess he didn't like it anymore). So when he has his fits make sure there is nothing he could hurt himself on (for instance if he hits his head a screen door with a galss in it) and walk away from him. Let him have a moment and see if he stops when you ignore him. Trust me, I know it is hard to just ignore it but you need to let him know that he can't get his way with that sort of behavior.

Honey, I have 2 daughters and I never experienced that with either of them so it had me very concerned. I assure you, he will stop if you don't give him a reaction. Aren't the terrible 2's just wonderful??

D.

I also like "To Train up a child," although I would have to add that I had to watch their DVD and read several articles before I really got what they were trying to say. It seemed too harsh at first, so you really have to give them a chance if they put you off right away.
I would suggest giving him the RIGHT thing to do, like "you may say 'IM ANGRY' or go in your room but you may NOT hit" etc. If you are looking at him when he bangs his head then you are rewarding that behavior and that WILL reinforce it! I know it's hard to do, but it's true. I would also try time outs, not as a punishment but as "it looks like you are mad and unable to control yourself, so I"m going to help you do that by sitting you over here in this chair until you can calm down" or something along those lines.
I hope that makes sense. I agree that it is not something to just wait out, although I also agree they will grow out of things and so it's not something to get worried about either.
Blessings,
Lynn

I'm also the mommy of a 2.5 yr old (and an 8 mo. old), and it can be so trying at times when tempers rise!
A long time ago, I was recommended to read a book called "To Train Up a Child" by Michael and Debi Pearl. The people who recommended it have 5 very well behaved children.
I did somewhat shrugged it off this book, but then the book happened to be given to me by someone else (who also has 2 VERY well behaved and respectful children) so I started reading it this past week.
It has been very helpful, even though I'm not even half way through it! It's hard to put down, and very straight forward.

I highly recommend for you to pick up this book and get some pointers from it. As I'm beginning to implement some of these changed that the book suggests, my 2.5 yr old is already becoming a happier and less frustrated child!

Blessings,
Renee