After the Divorce ~ Does the Leaving Party Ever Feel Remorse?

Yes there are times when the leaving party does feel remorse and people can change. You know a tree by the fruit it bears. Judge him by his actions with your daughter and with you, nothing is impossible with God but even He requires us to use our heads about things and not just our faulty hearts.

God takes time to work on us. Your ex-husband didn't get this way overnight and he is not going to completely transform overnight and even if he did, you need more than an overnight to watch and study the changes in him.

For now enjoy his positive contact with you daughter and leave the past behind. How are you feeling inside? Are you healthy and whole again?

I was married 4 years when I found out my husband was cheating on me. He initiated the divorce with a text that said that I deserve better. Luckily we didn't have children, so the divorce was very quick and all ties have been cut. But NO, I have never heard any sort of remorseful "I'm sorry" from him. Not that I really want him to contact me. I'm happily remarried with a son now. But you were curious if they've ever regretted the divorce. If my ex does regret it, then I don't know about it. Through mutual friends, I found out later that he got married and had a baby (baby came a few months after divorce was final. Doing the math, she got pregnant when we were till married but separated). ANYWAYS - Sounds like your ex wants to be your friend and buddy. Weird! If you don't want to hear his woes of his love life, then interrupt him and say "Um, did you want to see your daughter? I've got other things I need to go do."

Sorry D.! He strikes me as a 'small hearted' man... oblivious, self-absorbed and inconsiderate to say the least. It sounds like he somehow talked himself into justifying his affair and emotionally divorced himself from you long before you think he did... And for that reason, the chance that he will regret his behavior and retroactively value your destroyed marriage is slim.

I would be slightly worried about how he might treat his daughter if he were to ever remarry and have children with "her" (or someone else). I hope he wouldn't prefer any new children over his daughter but it sounds like he's someone who may not be able to fairly prioritize connections from his past relationship versus connections to a current emotional attachment. Hopefully, I'm mistaken about this...

My ex asked me, about 3 or 4 years after he'd dumped me (and tried out some other girlfriends in the meantime), if I ever wished we were still together, implying that he did. By that time I did not, anymore.

Judging by your husband's actions, if he ever does feel that way, it won't be for a few years. He is immature and untrustworthy anyway, so I wouldn't base much on his fickle emotions.

But what I've always told myself is that old saying: "Living well is the best revenge." Have a great life and be the best person you can be, be successful (however you define that), feel good about yourself, keep yourself looking hot, and you will MAKE him regret it in the end.

He doesn't sound like he's worth mourning over anyway. Live well, girlfriend!!

D.,

In my own experience, No. I will not say that God cannot do good things in a person but you are right. He is not living the "full truth." It is kind of like AA, you must admit your trangressions and ask for forgiveness. All of them. He obviously does not "see" what his actions have done to YOU. He sounds a bit narrissistic (sp.) I would pray for him if that is your thing. Don't expect an apology or for him to see the light....cb

D., I know I'm responding really late but havn't been on in a while. When I read your situation I could really feel what you were going through. I was married for 15 years and my now ex had 10 affairs I can prove and I'm sure that there were tons more. We have been apart for two years now and I'm doing great and as you I have no desire to have him back in my world. Over time his moods have changed sometimes he is out and out cruel and others he is sorry he ever hurt me. I've come to realize that I just had to forgive him for myself and move on. We have as little contact as possible by my choice.

If you want to read tons and tons of similar situations go to marriagebuilders.com It is a fantastic site and lots of help. I go to the discussion boards and WOW some of the stories just amaze me. I count myself very lucky to have gotten out of my situation.

I'm so tickled for ya that your doing great and hope things just get better & better for you

I don't want to be too harsh, but it sounds like the "other woman" figured out some big reason why he's a bad influence in her life, and whatever that reason is, maybe it's true for you, too! Her actions aren't those of someone who's moving on from a relationship; they're the actions of someone who's been stalked or abused in some way. Now, it's possible that she's unstable--suffering from some kind of paranoia or something--but that's less likely, I think. Also, just as a woman who's been through a difficult breakup (haven't we all), I don't think that you really get the chance to feel vindicated. Either you leave it behind you and give up on the idea of sorting anything out, or you stay and wait for it while the other people move farther and farther away. You've got your daughter, so you can't just never see him again, but he honestly sounds like either a jerk or a crazy person to say those kinds of things to you. If it's a sudden change it behavior, it still doesn't mean he's going to snap right back to his senses, and if he regretted it, would you run back to him? If you didn't, what would it buy you except confusion?

D., GOOD JOB for you for moving on with your life, and finding happiness. I agree with Lisa D. though. He seemed to be this person all along. He was just playing the role for the sake of family, friends, marriage, I don't know, but if he acted in such a manner towards you, then that's who he really is. So KUDOS D., keep moving on, and loving your new life without him

P.S. NEVER GIVE INTO HIM AGAIN IN LIFE!

I was the one to finally file for the big "D" after my devout Catholic father convinced me that my daughter and I deserved better. I had let my ex move in and out several times. He was actually having an affair. I told him that I hoped if he ever wanted us back as a family that it would not be too late and that he had killed all of my feelings for him. Well, you can only imagine what happened. About 9 months after our divorce was final, I met a man and my ex found out. That is when he decided that he really did want me and our daughter back as a family. I told him that it was too late and he had killed all my feelings for him. I will always love him because he is the father of my daughter, but I moved on. I did marry the man that I had met when my ex decided he wanted us back. It has been over 11 years now. My ex and I are friendly. The relationship between myself, my husband, my ex and his fiancee could not be better now. I am thankful for that as it makes it much easier on our daughter. It did not happen overnight, but it did happen in our situation.

For your own sake, you had better come to terms with that never happening. It is highly unlikely that it will and even if it did, I'm not sure it would be sincere. People that do the things he has done are very broken and if they ever do feel remorse, it is usually for themselves. If you still care what he thinks, he can and will still hurt you. Don't let him.

This man has some problems and you need to treat him like his ( lady) friend did and just get rid of him for good. Yes he can see your child and do with your child but not in the house or around you;. Good luck.

D. - What a terrible situation to have gone through. I can't even imagine! How did you not go after him and pull a "Lorana Bobit"?!

I think what you are really looking for is justification for having loved him to begin with. Its the "how could I have loved someone who did this and I didn't see this coming" feeling. It sounds like he almost became obsessed with her. I don't know if he will ever realize what he did to you or your daughter. You might never know but I think you should know this that living well is the best revenge and I do truly believe that some day he will wake up and realize what a big fat poopy weiner butthead he was.

D., I'm proud of you for moving on, and there's nothing wrong with wanting things to be set right, even if just emotionally.

When I was graduating from college, my longtime BF and I broke up (his doing) and I was crushed. I started dating someone else, whom I'd been attracted to for a long time. That guy was wonderful in every way, but it became clear to me that he wasn't "the one." I knew he was falling hard for me and I told him I loved him. I was stupid and I meant I loved him as a friend, but what he heard was "I love you" which was literally what I said. I was too cowardly to take it back, so I convinced myself that it might be love. But I knew better.

Long story short, the ex and the new bf both proposed to me on the same day. I was such a coward that I said no to both of them, told neither I was still seeing the other, and didn't have the strength to just leave them both and let them get on with their lives.

I ended up getting back together with the ex and finally stopping seeing the other guy, but still insisiting on remaing friends, which we had been for years. He didn't want that and he kept proposing. He finally said that I hurt him so much that he never wanted to hear from me or about me again.

It took me YEARS to admit the wrong I had done. The second guy actually wrote a book about how much he hated me. 168 pages. I admitted it only to myself, because neither of they boys cared to speak with me again after the way I had played them. I don't blame them. It's been about 15 years and I still wish all the time that I could apologize for my actions, but I was asked all those years ago never to contact him again, so at least I've respected that.

Yes, remorse happens. In the end, my remorse wouldn't change a thing for those two lovely men but I do wish them peace.

Personally, I think that whatever is going on with him is no longer your concern. Whether or not he ever feels guilty, it doesn't matter because he will have his consequences with God. He needs to work out his salvation and that is the most important thing for him. What he did, adultery, is about one of the worst of the sins. I know you don't want to hear it, but it doesn't really sound like you have moved on since you still want to know about his regret. If you have moved on, then you wouldn't care. Hearing that someone regrets a breakup doesn't make things better or give any more closure. Just stirs up old feelings.

It sounds like you are still dealing with some of your own guilt: if he would apologize then maybe it was all his fault after all. There are rare times when a wife who is very attentive to her husband and treats him like she did when they were dating will lose him but hardly ever. You would have had major red flags if he was that messed up and probably would not have married him.

The fact that he left may keep you wondering why. Make a list of the things that you could have done differently (not his faults) and then apologize to him. See I Corinthians 13:3 - 7. Let him know that you are telling him because he deserves the apology, not that you are trying to get back with him. Don't even mention what he did wrong. He already knows and has to deal with that. He may then give you the apology you are looking for. But even if he doesn't, it will allow the two of you to be the cooperative, friendly parents that your daughter needs right now. She needs to know that the two of you will swallow your pride to make her life easier and help her through the difficult years ahead without her parents raising her together. And your daughter will see what a true walk with the Lord looks like.

The fact that your husband is sharing his woes with you shows that he has an emotional connection with you and he probably wants your sympathy. It sounds like he is hoping for you to have sympathy on him and forgive him. Maybe he is even hoping you might open up to him and you could deal with what happened to your marriage.

If you have the honest conversation with him of what your role was in the break up, it could lead him to get in a deeper relationship with the Lord, and the two of you could end up working things out - your daughter would be the biggest winner in the end. Otherwise, she will struggle with you being a single parent, or worse, if you bring in a new dad. (I saw it all the time as a high school teacher.)

I am not saying that it is your fault that he left and cheated on you - there is absolutely no excuse for that. I am just saying that it usually takes two people to end the courtship phase and move to a maintenance phase in marriage. We need to keep bringing that courtship phase back in.

It's hard to look in the mirror instead of through a magnifying glass, but that is what our sinful nature keeps driving us to do. Wishing you all the best.

Me & my husband dated for 5 1/2 yrs before I finally caught him cheating on me. I firmly believe that he cheated on me throughout our dating but he only confessed to one other time & he said they only 'kissed' even though he had all these other girls' phone numbers & they were calling him constantly. I tried to be secure abt our relationship & acted like it was fine for him to have female friends b/c I have 'guy friends' as well but I know where to draw the line, he never seems to draw a line. Either way, that's still cheating. Long story short, he dumped me for this other girl & she apparantly dumped him 3 times. Well a few yrs later, he called my mother & told her how he was wrong & he knows now how it feels for 'the shoe to be on the other foot' so-to-speak, etc. etc. He asked for another chance so I gave it to him but only as casual daters which meant we can date ea other but others as well. He decided to move away & we wnt our separate ways for a while. I went into two bad relationships, both of which he helped me get out of so after the second bad relationship we did get back together at his urging. He felt that we were the only ones 'right for ea other'. I agreed & things were great, he proposed, we married & things were still great. He then got a job, at my urging, out of state a couple of yrs later b/c the pay was better & that's when things started getting bad again. I firmly believe he was cheating on me when he had to move ahead of me for training although I can't prove it, his behavior was very elusive & similar to when he'd cheated on me before. We then finally got moved & he started projecting his 'feelings' towards other women we encountered plus towards women he'd had flings with prior to us getting bk together. He seemed so desperate for their attention. He even had the gall to place singles ads online when we were apart for his job training. He keeps throwing himself at these other women, bad-mouthing me to them at the same time & yet he still treats me as the same, loving husband. I don't get it. If he wanted to be w/someone else, why did he ask me to marry him? I feel like I've wasted the past 7 yrs w/him when I could've been doing other things, even by myself. I think that men THINK they know what they want & are desperate for any & all female attention they can get due to feelings of inadaquacy (sp?) or they just need their big ego stroked by the thought that they may still be attractive to other women, it's a needy thing to them. My husband now has a 'new love interest' he's trying to convince to be w/him. It's an old high school crush that she keeps telling him to brush off & be with his wife, me, but he won't have none of that. He stays up all night chatting w/her online. I've found messages written to her expressing his disgust w/me & saying that he's pretty sure our marriage won't last another year. Yet still, he says nothing to me about whether he truly feels this way or if he's just saying this to her for her attention. It's beyond me why men do these things when they should be happy w/what they have & be happy w/the good women they marry. They're always on the lookout for prettier, younger, skinnier, females or just something completely different. No matter what we do to please them, it'll never be enough to those certain men. My good friend is going thru a divorce right now for the same things. I'm sticking w/my marriage for now b/c I know I've done very little to cause him to throw away our marriage and waiting to see what he does & also b/c I basically have no where to go at this time. I make very little money so I cannot afford rent on my own. Because of a severe injury I'm very limited at what I can do & that causes issues w/getting or keeping a job. I don't feel badly about my marriage at all, I'm just bewildered at his indecisiveness. I hope that things work out for us but if they don't I hope that he will be the good husband & pay his dues to help me. I commend you on getting past your divorce & your husbands infedelity. I feel that I've been rejected twice now by the same man. The man who expressed his love for me, to me & vowed to forsake all others for me & he has not upheld that. I hope that we do not divorce or separate but if we do, I hope to have the same strength as you & press on past that for myself. I wish you the best of luck & sorry if this was a bit long!