Just found out my teen of 16 has had sex once with her new boyfriend. Before weseemed so close and could talk about everything, now I just don't know where all the trust went. So here is part of the situation, father left us and moved in with another woman. She has always been a girl that had very high morals, but now she is taking the it's no big deal attitude. She is a good student and seemed to be very mature for her age but now I'm just not to sure. She misses church now when before she never would. Is she just loosing her faith? How do I get through to her that she is only hurting herself in the long run, not me and not her father? I know I need to join the job market, I am very trainable. If someone would take me under their wing and teach me I am a quick study.
Hi C.,
I'm sorry but i don't have any advice about your situation. I am far from having a teenager. But i just wanted to tell you that i will be praying for you and your daughter. I'm sure this is a tough situation for you both.
God bless,
Y.
Please don't read this as alarmist, but have you thought about therapy for your daughter? Her father left the family for another woman. He left her too. That is very huge and it is happening at a VERY critical time in your daughter's life. She is in the middle of figuring out what intimacy is all about and her male role model just betrayed her trust. She can't talk to you because (I'm guessing) you are hurting and to say anything negative about her dad is betraying a piece of herself. She can't talk to her dad because then she is betraying you. Who do you think she is going to go to with all of these feelings? She sounds like she is acting out her pain by sleeping with her boyfriend. She may want him to stay with her as her dad wouldn't. Its not that she doesn't trust you. She just may need a neutral person to talk to about her feelings without being responsible for your feelings as well. I really hope that this experience can ultimately bring you two closer together.
Jen
C., the best defense you have is prayer. I went to a womens retreat and met a speaker who has interviewed over 900 teens and the issuse they deal with. Her books are good, one I recomend is "Real issues Real Teens" and an other one is "Making it real" Her name is Susanne Eller, and her link is realteenfaith.com and you can email her with your concerns and so can your daughter, at ____@____.com. I have a 14yr old and we talk all time. But I'm sure there will be a day when she wont share everything with me. I'm just praying for wisdom. I also believe that you need to let your daughter know that you love her and believe in her. Even though you don't like what she is doing. Just listening is another tool, In the book, Real Issuse Real Teens, she say's "Listen first freak out later".
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Dear Mom,
Your baby is now a grown woman, come to terms with this. She is now making her own choices, and she needs to take the consequences for her actions. Ask her straight out if she has been to family planning? And if not, why not? Does she understand the reality of making love / having sex makes babies? Has she visited another girl who didn't use protection and now has a child and her life as she knew it is now gone? Is she ready to give up her exciting life to tend and care for a 24 a day needy little person. Be very blunt! Make sure she knows you will not be in the picture if she has a child, it is hers, and you will not raise it. You have your own life to live, and you are looking forward to it, obviously. Don't put guilt/she is hurting herself in the picture, only cold hard reality and responsibility. Guilt comes out later in so many nasty ways, including back lash at you. Maybe you need to go talk to Family Planning separately to get some perspective on your girls life. Keep the talk channel open, it is established and needs to be shored up by woman to woman perspectives. She will take on an entirely different attitude.
When you speak of her father, you say, "father left us", he is not your father, it makes you sound helpless, you do not need to give him power over your actions, you need to jump in to your new life with gusto. Get some counseling about this, it will clear the air, you will feel better.
And the trust issue, "I just don't know where all the trust went", it is still there, but life is progressive not static, you need to become the change you wish to see. You cannot change your daughter, she also is making adjustments and changes in her life, stand back out of the way, the sooner she feels in control, the better off for both of you.
E. H
