Advice on Remaining Close to My Son

Having raised two daughters I found myself with 3 grandsons. The oldest is 13. Even when they think it is uncool, keep hugging them. I respect them and not do it in front of friends. There are some wonderful books on raising boys that I have gained a great from reading such as Real Boys. The type of hug has changed but I still get hugs and so does his mom. It is just expected! The same goes for girls. I remember when they didn't want to hug mom goodbye but they got a hug anyway. Now today, we are all close and they are big on hugging. I also remember the day I didn't want to hug my own mother goodbye. When it happened to me, I knew how she felt. Hang there and keep hugging!

When I was that age, the more my Mom pushed it, the more I resisted.

My late Dad on the other hand, just kicked back about the whole thing. Meaning he took a different tack on it. He just made sure we "knew" he was there for us no matter what and that we could talk to him whenever/however/about anything. He'd often stay up late at night just watching tv. Not for his sake, but for ours (me and my sibling). He KNEW that it was late at night, when things were mellow, that we would approach him with thoughts in our heads and ideas about life. So, he waited. And sure enough, we would come out of our rooms, sit down, not making it obvious... but we'd then open our mouths and broach topics or our "problems" with him. He'd listen. Not judge or lecture. But listen. Then we'd ask for his ideas. And he gave them to us, as mature peers. Honestly and laid-back like. Then we'd be happy, and feel close to him. It was a "bonding" that we had with him. And I miss that still, with him, even though I am all grown up. THAT is what wonderful memories are, that he created for us, with us in mind.

But the thing is, he KNEW our cues. He knew us. He understood us. He never forced himself on us, to talk about our life. We offered it to him. Openly, and trusting him. We knew, he'd always be there, not judging us or telling us how to "be". He took us for "who" we were, and who we were becoming. Of course, he'd look out for our safety and friends. He made sure our home was where we could bring our friends. And he even planned things for us at our home. Making our friends feel at home. Not judging even if they had mohawk hair or whatnot. My friends, even would talk with him as a "parent." So, we inevitably made good choices, about friends, our problems, our life, our interests or hobbies. He also 'accepted' us. THAT... is key, with a teen.

Let your son know, you know he is growing up. But that you are always there for him, as a soft place to fall... and no matter what. And guide him, as you accept his changing maturity and age. Take interest in his interests... see what floats his boat. Take walks with him, and talk. Letting him lead the talks. Not judging. Just trusting and being proud of him.

All the best,
Susan

As children get older, "close" just starts to look different. Just because he is not all hugs doesn't mean that the close connection isn't still there. Raising our children is about giving them the space to grow into mature responsible adults. He is clearly starting to spread his wings. Just letting him now that no matter what, you are there for him and that you are proud of him will keep those connections in tact. My son was a lot like what you describe - and as it started to look different, there were times in his teen life that affirmed for me that we were absolutely still just as close as when he was 7. Like talking about kissing a girl at the age of 13, asking for help with a friend at age 15, asking me to step in with the parents of a friend at age 16, etc. Talking open about situations at school - not all the time, just when he felt he needed support - otherwise I got responses like "All's ok", "Nothing new", "I'm fine", etc.

So give him space, be there when he needs you, watch the benefits of your relationship with him during the first 12 years birth the next 12 that will land him at being a great young man in the world.

G.

I think it helps to ask questions that require more than a one-word answer (like "yes", "no", "fine", etc.) Such as, "what did you do in English class today?" rather than "how was school?" Also, be there at the "crossroads" as much as you can - when he gets home from school, when he gets home from hanging out with friends - even if it's late, and a lot of people say to have conversations in the car - where there isn't direct eye contact. Also, some folks will have "pillow talk" with their kids - go and lie down with him for a few minutes when he's in bed about to go to sleep. To some degree you have to let him grow up, but of course you want to keep that bond.

Hi Tammi,

I have a son that turned 15 in Dec and he went through some of these things. However, I have found a different approach to it with him. I get to spend time with him 1 on 1, my husband usually watches the younger 2 boys. I understand you don't have that luxury, maybe you could find a responsible teenager in the neighborhood looking to make a little extra cash and hire her to watch the younger children while you take your oldest son to do something that the two of you could enjoy together. Something that my oldest son loves to do is to play pool, and I believe that he gets that from my ex-husband and from me. We both play pool and from a young age we would take him to the pool hall and let him play with us. It is just a matter of finding out what his interests are and getting to that common ground and just making that time to spend with him. I have backed off and given my son his space and let him come to me to request the time, it made the world of difference. He didn't feel pressured to have to do something with me. My son enjoys hanging out and going to do things with me. Sometimes it is a matter of giving them their space to let them stretch their wings to find out how to fly and find their way back to the nest. Sometimes they realize that being with mom and doing things with her and hanging out with her isn't so bad. That is what I found out, and my son and I have a lot more fun now because of it.

Good luck and hope this helps.

S.
37 y/o SAHM of 3 boys
15, 7 and 4 1/2

Find a hobby or sport that he enjoys and you both take it up. Boy hobbies are better. (laser tag, paint ball, basketball, go cart riding/racing), trust me, you want to get cool points, take him to do cool exciting things. You will be elevated to coolest mom ever in short order.

This may sound silly, but with my "tween" one of our favorite things to do is the Wii (he loves Mario Kart).

Otherwise my tween is going through the same thing (mom is very uncool, boys rule, etc.).

Just keep loving him unconditionally (that's what I'm trying to do). Make sure he knows you are always on his team, but you're still the leader.

How about playing his favorite video game with him - setting up a time for you and he to play together maybe when younger kids go to bed for an hour or so? That way you don't have to leave the house? Or watching a show on tv once a week that is "your" show together?

Play hookie together and go do something fun! I just did this recently with my kids as I just had a new baby and wanted to be sure they knew they were still important to me and I wanted to spend time with them- there was just no other time as my husband travels for his job as well. Take your son to go play lasertag or pool or spend the day playing video games and eating junk whatever he is interested in. It will be a good bonding time so he can see you as someone other than the person who is always telling him what to do!

Also maybe you can work out with your husband a schedule for each of you to spend the day/evening out with each of your kids on a 1-1 time for both of you. Even if its only once a month or less, at least it happens once in a while and kids understand your making an effort to spend time with them.

Good luck!

I also think a "special movie/TV" time sounds good...since he is your oldest, you could put the other kids to bed and have 1on1 time. Any activity really, that allows for just the 2 of you to hang...and keep the lines of communication open. I have a grip of boys and I just continue to talk and be as involved as always...even thru the shrugging the shoulders and the "IDK" answers...it's not just you or your son...it's the age...it happens to all of us, don't fret to much. Just keep doing what your doing, showing him love, taking care of him and being involved and interested in his life!

Have you tried playing video games, shooting hoops, board games, etc...?
My nephews all love me and love to spend time with me even though they are all adults now. They talk about how great it was to get to come and stay with me. You have to remember he is a child. Do things with him that interest him. Get him to help you cook a meal. Let him choose the meal and you help him prepare it. My nephews loved spending time in the kithcen with me. There are so many fun things you could do with him. Don't be afraid to laugh a little. Have fun, enjoy life.....It doesn't last forever..

Sit him down and explain that he is going through hormonal changes. Tell him, and your daughter that as their mother, you are always there for them.
Hormones aren't just for menopause...we go through changes as babies, teens, young adults and retirement age.
Just stay strong and convince your kids you are there for them. I guess I cannot stress this enough.
My two oldest boys were horrible to me through high school, the youngest a charm.

Boys naturally have to separate from their mothers. The age of "separation" occurs sometime around puberty, so 12 years old sounds about right. He is becoming aware of his sexuality and this awareness conflicts with your affections and his feeling towards you. Yes, he loves you, as you love him very much, but his attraction to females confuses him and because you being his mother is indeed female, he doesn't doesn't understand how to separate the two (attraction for females vs. affection from you). So a natural separation occurs. I have a 3 year so I'm not where you are yet but I've talked to moms with boys who have gone through this and the reasons I've just supplied is what I have been told. Love your son and continue to verbalize your affections and instead of smothering him with hugs, tell him how much you love him and ask him if giving him a hug every now and then would be okay because you have so much love in your heart for your children that you just need to hug them. When he is older and his sexuality is established, meaning he knows that his affection for you is very different than the affection he gives the girls he likes, he will come around. I've heard they do eventually but it may take time, so be patient with him and don't push the hugs on him unless he wants it too. Remember with boys, they are also trying to establish their masculinity, so if he thinks his friends think he is a mama's boy, he will be teased about it and by pushing you away, he, in his immature mind, is establishing his masculinity for himself and his peers.

Your son is coming into hes teens. It's not mommy time anymore. He's beginning a period in his life where friends take a more important role. You'll still watch and care for him, only at a distance. He needs to make mistakes, and learn from them. You are and always will be MOM. The bond will always be there. Now is when he'll show all the good you've taught him. Be proud.