Advice on Relationship

Read what you wrote. I think you answered your own question.

Good luck!

Hi D.,
You are probably at a point where you are set in your ways and comfortable by yourself raising your children, at the same time you have a little desire for companionship and the kids a male role figure in the home. I suggest that if you feel in any way uncomfortable about the situation that you do not go through with marriage. What you feel now will only exculate with marriage. I think it was a good idea to allow him to move in prior to marriage so that you can analyze how it will work. He probably does love you, but my husband loves me to, but irritates the hell out of me. I admit I am a little bitter, but I feel it is good advice to let you know if you don't feel totally swept off your feet and absolutely good without a doubt then don't marry. If I end up a single mother (divorced) I will focus on my children as you have and worry about my needs when they are grown. I am still currently married today because of my children, so we mothers tend to live for our children until we have raised them into adulthood.

I'm in a similar situation. I was married for 14 years and now divorced and dating. I'm in a relationship that has lasted over 1 year and going strong. I've found a man who will walk beside me, not behind me pushing and not in front of me to lead. He loves me completely and lets me be me.....but he won't put the darn toilet seat down!!! =) There's other things he does that drive me up the wall and I keep thinking to myself 'why in the world am I taking all this garbage when I never had to deal with it in a bad marriage'. (yes, my ex did always put the seat down - I was apparently spoiled in that regard).

What I do is take those things and ask the question 'in the greater scheme of things, how does this measure?'. For instance 'will someone die if the toilet seat is up?' Fortunately I don't have small children, so there will be no drownings in my house. You'll know what you should do by answering your own questions.

Here's a compass my therapist gave me to help determine what to expect from a healthy relationship:

I can be me/ You can be you / We can be us
I can grow / you can grow / we can grow together

If you have those things, then you're doing pretty good. If not, next time he drives you up the wall grab the steering wheel and show him the road out. Either way I wish you luck and all the happiness the world has to offer!

He should move out and you should raise your children before you get involved with another man.

Honestly, I don't know of ANY relationship that doesn't have it's quirks. My husband does a million things that make me crazy, even more than he did when we were first living together. To me, love is enough. And the one bit of advice my mother gave me that I've finally listened to....PICK YOUR BATTLES! Some things just aren't worth the fight. Some day when we're old and he's gone, I'll probably break into tears missing the most annoying things he does now.

The best advice I can give you is don't pick a guy you can live with...pick a guy you can't live without. Life is too short. On disagreements (like kids) pick your battles, and never go to bed angry.

Remember a marriage (or new relationship) is like a small child. The relationship needs lots of attention in the beginning and less as you go on, but always placed on the priority list if you expect it to last.

Things that annoy you will intensify when married, but usually what makes you fall in love with him could also be the stuff that drives you away. It is these things that drive us crazy that also can keep us to love the person even more.

Ask yourself how you feel about this man if the kids weren't in the equation? Would you keep him around? Are you keeping him around for the sake of the kids or for your own sake? Both? Think about this and you may find your answer.

Take your time and don't feel rushed to get married (whether it be cause the kids want it, the guy wants it, or your friends and family want it). It has to be in your own time. And at some point, you two need to agree on the steps the relationship will take, how long you will give it, and when will it be time to move on. If you don't decide this at some point, you may be stuck in a relationship that is going no where and end up holding each other back from potentially "the right person" somewhere else in the world. There is a time and place for everything, and then, we must move on...either together or apart.

Good luck!

D.,
I saw your request, I know you wrote is two years I ago. I just joined. First I hope all is going well in your relationship. My question that I had is do you love him? You kept saying that he loved you and liked your kids, but I never heard you say how you felt about him. I can speak from experience that him loving you is not enough. When I walked down the aisle to my second husband I knew that I was making a mistake, but I went through with it because I thought him loving my and my son was enough. We were seperated after 4 months of marriage. I really do hope that everything worked out for you. Good luck and God bless.

I don't understand the whole "let's move in together but not get married" thing. In my opinion, if two people truly love eachother and are committed to eachother, then why not get married? It really saddens me that as a society we have moved away from the sacred commitment of marriage. It's like everyone wants an "out" if things don't go the way they want or something better comes along. What a horrible example to set for our children.

All I can tell you is that I was unhappy for 11yrs and still trying to get him to sign the papers. Dont keep having your kids involved with someone if your not gonna be happy with him. Makes no since at all... If it is just little things then you should just talk to him and let him know how you feel. Maybe the things that bug you so much dont mean much to him and he is willing to change. Keep in mind if you dont talk now then your sure not gonna be talking after the wedding.
I never thought I would ever find someone that would love me the way I know I should be loved and if that did happen I didnt think Id be lucky enough to find someone that would love my kids like their own on top of it. I didnt settle for anything less tho and I really did find the man of my dreams. Well he found me but you get the point. Dont settle for anything less! Good men really do live on the same planet as us I promise you!!!lol I am always saying that everything happens for a reason and it has been proven to me time and time again. You need to decide if these things driving you up the wall are really so bad and your on your way threw the wall or if it is something you can both solve together.My kids love this man and he loves them just as much as his own kids and that is hard to find when you have a 7 and 11yr old. Your kids should know that they can have a good life and deserve one. My girls are in shock still at how different their life is now with no yelling in the house and that thing called respect which my soon to be xhubby has no clue about. It is a wonderful thing when you get to see your kids happy. So many people live in a life for so long and that is all they know. It is hard to see yourself happier if your out of that life while your still in it.
good luck to you. I wish the best for you and your kids.

There will always be things about each other that drive you crazy. You just have to evaluate it, and if they are trivial quirks, then you can learn to deal with it. If they are things you couldn't possibly imagine adjusting to, then it would be a problem. You have, however, overcome the biggest and most important obstacle though: your kids and boyfrined get along and want to live together. That counts for a lot. He is also putting in effort to change for you, and that also speaks volumes for his character. A good man is hard to find, and you have described a very good man. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and you may find that it is much easier to adapt to his quirks than you may think. Have a serious talk with him and find out his exact feelings also. There may be things that he overlooks also, and finding things out like that may give you a whole new perspective.

can i ask one question you said you have been widowed for 7 years how long where you married

Bad idea. Been there done that. you let him move in, get into a family thing and then something may go wrong and the kids are stuck missing someone they have grown to like, but it doesn't work for mommy. What happen to waiting for marriage. If you're that sure you can live together, then why not just get married?

If he does stuff to drive you up the wall now, it will only get worse when you're married. You know, you've been there before!! Someone loving you is sometimes not enough. Please don't do it for the kids....you're 44 and deserve to have a COMPLETELY FULLFILLING REALTIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!

Maybe go to counseling so that you can get things off your chest and air out all your issues. He may have a few himself. I would for sure do it before you re-married. I would act quickly though because it sounds like your kids are bonding and the longer he is there the HARDER is will be to make a decision SOLELY on YOUR feelings for him not your kids!!!!

Good Luck!
M.

It's said that men marry a women hoping she won't change and women marry men hoping they will.

It's better to avoid the entanglement until all of you adapt to living together. Seek counseling and take plenty of time to enjoy your kids.