Advice on Long Distance Traveling to See Children's Father

I think it's only fair that he comes out this way to see them since they don't know him well and it's not like you're right there to confort them if needs to.
I'm in the Saint Louis area to if you ever need to talk or go out or what ever.

You should not in any circumstance let him take the kids away. He can and should come to see you to see the children. He is a stranger to them and it could be very emotional on the kids to go with a stranger and to be so far away from you. He could stay somewhere and come over when you're there to see the kids. It would be very bad on the kids and also on you. Plus there is always the chance of parent not bringing them back to you, have you not heard of it happening ?

I would NOt send my children with this guy I know what its like to see a child with out a parent thats always been there and with someone they hardly know even if it is a parent... the children dont know that and no matter what the court agreement says if he wants to bring it up its definitely something to speak with your attorney about and maybe even take to court... obviously if he wanted the children around he would have found away work is no excuse... if he wants to see the kids make him come here for a week and stay in a hotel.. either way he has to take off work so he might as well stay here while he's at it

I don't think there is any standard, "good advice" on this issue. Every situation is different. As I divorced mother I do know this, you have to let their children know their father, if he is willing to do so. My children's father wants nothing to do with them, and I know first hand how this feels to a child. Every once in a while he does take them and even though I don't like the way he leads his life I don't have a choice. He is their father and as long as their safety is not at jeopardy he has the legal right to see them. Trust me I don't like it either, and my ex has put my children's safety at risk and he still gets to see them after the legal battle from hell. I don't know what it says about visitation in your divorce papers, but that is where to begin. I don't know how willing your ex is to work with you, but maybe the first visit he could come up for a weekend, keep the kids one night in a motel or whatever and spend time with them so that they could get to know him and see how it goes, it would give both of you a good idea on how your children would handle a week away with you. Then if all goes well, let him come and get them. I am sure that you could use the break and it is beneficial for children to know their father when he is absent from their lives. I have many issues with the ex from you know where, so if you ever need advice or just want to talk let me know, ____@____.com

since you're already had several supportive answers, let me offer another perspective: children need their father--period. You chose to move away from him (many states away from him) after the divorce. Were you expecting him to fly in every weekend or every month to see the children or were you hoping to create a situation where he would be unable to see them? Perhaps another alternative would be for you to allow him to stay in your home (so the children are in a familiar environment while being re-aquainted with their father and the children are not the ones inconvenienced) and you stay with a friend or family member while he is there. Legally, unless you've terminated his parental rights, he has every right to visit his children. If he's done nothing to lose his parental rights, I believe that he can legally take them out of state whether you like it or not.

Hi K.,

Have you tried voicing your concerns to him? Just let him know that since this will be the kids' first visit with him in a while, it would be in their best interest to get reacquainted and feel comfortable with him first before being alone with him. He may understand. He may just be suggesting to take them back with him because he might not want you to feel uncomfortable with him staying there. Also, do you get along with their father? If not, he may be concerned about you two arguing in front of them. I'm not completely sure of the situation, but if you had an amicable break-up and are still on good terms, I would try talking to him and work something out. Good luck!

Hi! In my opinion, yes children do need their father. However I think he should compromise with you. Due to the children's ages I would have him visit in your home town for the next few years. Not in your home but at least in your home state. I think that if he is serious about this being just about the kids, which I am sure he probably is, then he should go along with it. My father wanted his way or nothing at all so I never officially met him until I was 16 years old. I think that was SELFISH! I got over it and made sure to do different with my own son and my husband as far as keeping the family close. In the end, follow your heart. Only you know your ex-husband nobody else here does. Good luck.

It is NOT in the best interest of the children to have them go out of town with him. Have him come to town and take them during the day. If he wants to be in their life, he's going to need to move closer or vice versa.

What is best for your children, is what's important. Of course they need a father and a mother.

Hang in there! You can work through it.

That's not overprotective at all. They don't know this man and may resent being taken away from you by a "stranger" until they get to know him. If he would come there a few times first to get to know them then it won't be so traumatic for the little ones. Besides they are small enough that having mommy close is important.

I agree with the other mothers, he should come to you for a while until YOU are satisfied that he will make sure the kids saftey comes first. My daughter (14) didn't know her dad till she was 10 and didnt go to stay with him till she was 13. I let her decide. Go with what you feel not what he wants. Until your kids feel comfortable with him it will never be a good situation. Stay strong and good luck.

I don't believe your being over protective either. However, from a legal standpoint it's going to depend. What type of agreement was drawn up? Do you have joint custody? Did you take the kids out of state against any court order? Does the court order state anything about what to do if you move? Since you are the one that left the state, it could be a case of him having every right to come and get them. But he could file for custody as soon as he gets them back to his own state. You should make certain that you have this worked out legally before they go. Was he mad when you decided to go to St Louis? Was he involved much when you did live in the same area? He may tell the courts that he hasn't been involved because you took the kids too far away.

Suzi

Hi there. You are being a little over protective, but thats normal for a mom. The fact is that he is their father and those kids need to know that. If you don't let him take them once in awhile they won't really see him as a parental figure. If he comes to you to see them in thier eyes he'll more or less stay a stranger. My son is 5 and we live in Tulsa, OK, but he goes to visit his father in Dallas, TX. When he goes I worry, but when he comes back I see him admireing his dad in ways that obviously I couldn't see since we're no longer together. The point I'm trying to make is that my son knows the backgrounds hes come from and over the years he'll take that and make the decisions he feels works for his life. Boys really need thier fathers presence in thier lives.

I don't think it is overprotective at all. Does your divorce state that he is allowed to take the kids for a week alone? If it states Reasonable and Seasonable visitation then he is aloud to have them 2 weeks once a year and have some time every week with them. If you didn't agree on and specify a certain visitation schedule, it will be hard to keep him from legally taking them for the week. If he is a good guy and is concerned about the children then you should talk to him and see if you can convince him to think about how devistating it would be for them not having been away from you for even a day, much less a week! They are very young and it could be very hard on them. If he has only visited them twice in 3 yrs I would be very worried about why now he wants to fly them back to his home for a week and then back. You should speak to your attorney about your parental rights asap if he is not willing to compromise about this. Good luck.

its not about being overprotective-but do as your first mind tells you (intuition) and play it safe. Not trying to scare you but you know what a world we live in... Gyrl, follow your first mind and go with that, and if HE cannot understand that -then HE's not ready to be the father he tring to portray....

i don't think you are being overprotective at all. is there anyway for you to go with them to west virginia?? if not, i would definitely see if he could just come to stl and see the kids and kind of "get to know them" before they take a big trip to see him. hope this sort of helps!

K.,
I am actually married to a man that is in your husband's same position. He and his ex divorced and he moved back home to Oklahoma from Michigan where his ex and kids still live. She has expressed some of the same concerns that you have about him not taking interest in the children when he was there and her fear that they might get hurt and she would never know about it. My husband is an incredible Christian man who adores his children. We have talked in depth about his lack of involvement in their lives when he lived with them. He explained to me that there was so much turmoil in the house between him and his ex that he chose to remove himself from the situation so the kids wouldn't have to listen to fighting and screaming all of the time. Unfortunately, he missed out on a lot of wonderful moments with his kids. Since he has been in OK he has taken a sincere interest in being the man in both of their lives. It is very difficult for his ex wife to understand that it is completely genuine. I see him with those kids and he would never hurt them. Of course, kids will be kids and things can happen even under your nose. As their father, he should be allowed to make decisions on how to care for the children in a situation like that and not have to run it by his ex first. I guess what I am trying to say is that you are obviously a very protective mom and that you adore your children and want to keep them safe. You should definitley be commended for that. The thing though, is that at some point you thought this man was worthy of having children with and he is and always will be their father. No matter how frustrating he is, if he is not sexually abusing your children or exposing them to drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. he should be able to spend time with his kids without being monitored. I understand that the kids don't know him that well right now, but the only way for them to get to know him better is to spend time with him. One thing to keep in mind also is that if you have anxiety about them spending time with him, then they will sense that and be fearful too. The kids will certainly miss you, but children are incredibly resilliant and will not be mentally scarred for life because you let their dad take them for a week. Especially if you talk to them every night on the phone. There are lots of dads out there who could give a rat's tail about their children. I would consider yourself blessed that you have a man that is willing to fly in to get the kids and be an active part of their life. I assume that he is paying child support even though there was no mention of that in your original request. Have you considered the extra cost involved on his part by flying in to get them and then take them home? Granted, I don't know his financial situation, but it does seem like a lot to ask to have him pay to stay in a hotel for 6 or 7 days too. I guess the bottom line is, as difficult as it is to swallow, they need their mommy AND their daddy. I apologize if this sounds harsh. It just breaks my heart to see my husband diligently and sincerely try to pursue a relationship with his children and be treated like a child himself by his ex. God bless, and I hope everything works out for you and your family.

The court will not force a child that young esp when parent has not been involved. He should come visit the children where you are to start with. Depends on what your parenting plan says but I would certainly not allow my children at that age to do that. How scarey! If they are nursing, my attorney said they are not expected to go overnight until they are done nursing or age 3. Ask your attorney what the law in your state is or see if you can find out but it will also depend on your particular parenting plan.
Personally, as a divorced mom, I say stand your ground for what you know is best for your children and if he wants to fight it let him and see what the court says...he will have to pay the attorney/court to do anything....I might be able to help more, email me if you want to....good luck with it.
L.

HI K., Although you have received many suggestions, I feel you should first listen to your mother instincts, then get some legal advice. If you and your x can sit down and talk about the children, that would be good. They are quite young to be separted from the parent(you) that has been aroud them the most in the last 3 yrs. Maybe he could come there for a few days and spend some quality time with them or if your financially able,maybe you could fly the children there and you could stay at a motel.I am not sure I would let my kids go such a far distance without reservations. Good luck.

K.,
Your Mommy Intuition is right! You know he isn't ready to parent those young children. He wants to take them too far away for you to know if his home is child-safe or not. What if he decides he's not bringing them back? Are you ready for that sort of court battle? I know you have full custody of them, but if he wanted to make your life and your children's lives hell for awhile, he probably could find a way to do it. We all know the court system is truly screwed up sometimes. I think you need to ask him to make a commitment to your children by coming to visit them on a regular schedule of holidays/birthdays, etc. and when they are older, maybe there'll be a track record of trust there. Maybe you can arrange to take the kids to WV for a couple weeks sometime like a family holiday, so they can see extended family. If you stay at a nearby relative's or a hotel, then they can spend a day or two getting to know everyone, spend some time with their dad, and still have you nearby. And you would be able to see if his house is safe or not. And I wouldn't trust that dog. He should be kept in a kennel when the kids are around. If your husband is committed to the kids, that should be a no-brainer.

u can tell him he can come and see the kids but u wont let him take theme out of the state

Hello, I am going through this with my son, he is 11 months. Since birth his father wanted to take him out to California. My son is a nursing baby, so NO WAY! My Ex- came to see our son 2 times, before he decided to move out here, to spend more time with him. To this day he still has Supervised visits. And I think since your children don't know him that well, you need to be there with your children and your ex until they are "comfortable" with him. I know children need a father, but they need to know one first. We are going through a custody case now, and I don't want to allow unsupervised visits until my son can say "I am hungry", or "I need to go the bathroom"....etc. In my opinion, ask him to come here for a week and visit. Start off with a couple of hours, then go longer each time, supervised if you wish.