Advice on Husband's Point of View

Wow, is my main reaction. My husband is self-employed. He makes decent money. We sometimes have a hard time getting by and we go without a lot. We have a small house, don't take vacations, unless it's maybe a weekend somewhere within driving distance or if I go visit my parents. We actually gave up our 1st house (a larger one) and moved into an apt. for a few months before going into this house, just so that I didn't have to go back to work. No matter what the money situation, my husband refuses to let me go back to work and my son is 4 1/2. He didn't trust anyone with our child. This is our belief and actually a pretty good argument for your husband. Now, there are plenty of moms who have no choice and have to work and I am certainly not going to say anything bad about that, my mom had to work. But, if you can stay home, it is the BEST thing for your child! Look at all the kids today. There is a lack of respect. Children learn most of what they are going to learn by the age of 6. What they learn in that time will develop the type of children & adults they will become. The best place for them to learn from is YOU! When someone else is taking care of your child most of the day, he is taking on their values. And, truthfully, daycare centers are not teaching virtues and values to your children. The best place for your child is with you.

And actually, you can tell your husband that it is selfish of him to be more concerned about retiring a few years early than you being with your child. What would be better when you're older.....to look back at all the wonderful times you had with your child when he was young or that he got to retire a couple of years early? Please don't take offense, I don't know you or your husband.

I hope I didn't offend anyone, it was not my intent and I apologize if I did.

D.

Personally, I think this points to a need for couples counseling. Your husband is devaluing what you do and is also refusing to listen to your point of view. It sounds like he is pretty materialistic. This points to possible issues not just over this one conflict, but to a larger state of mind that could spell trouble for a solid, long-lasting parternship (which is what marriage is supposed to be).

There must be a reason why your husband would view a stay at home mom as "lazy". His perception must have developed from something in his past. Has your husband ever had the opportunity to spend a few days alone with your daughter? My husband always says that it is much easier for him to get up and go to work than it is to be home with the baby all day. He has really learned to appreciate my ability to take care of the baby and keep the house clean, do dishes, do laundry, wash bottles, etc., as he has a hard time doing anything other than care for the baby. My hubby is currently working two jobs (and he still helps me take care of the baby) so that I can can quit my job in the next two months. Neither of us wants someone else raising our daughter and he realizes he prefers to go to work and I prefer to care for the baby, so we get the best of both worlds. I don't think your husband is a bad guy, I think he just doesn't realize how hard it is to raise a child and how much work it actually is. If you can help him realize that, I think he might change his mind. Keep talking to each other, and good luck!

Hi B.,

It sounds like your husband is being a little unreasable and selfish himself. You can always make money, however, your baby will only be a baby once. These young years are full of firsts and milestones that you can't put a price on or repeat. It is also a very impressional period in your daughter's life. Your daughter is molding her security and self esteem now. She won't remember if you were home with her at this age, but her subconcisious mind will.

I think it is great that you are asking for advice from other Moms although I think you should go with your needs and ask your husband to be more reasonable. Money isn't everything and when it is all said and done, you will appreciate the time you got to spend with your daughter a lot more than a higher balance in your investment/retirement accounts. Good luck with your dilemma and feel free to email me if you want to talk.

K.

P.S. I am working on my Ph.D in Psychology.

Hi B.,
I'm sure lots of women can relate. It must be very hard for men to understand. Maybe there are some online resources, like articles about why it is important to stay home with your children until they are a certain age. If you can present some objective sources like that without making him angry, it might help.
Good luck!! You are doing the right thing.
all the best,
L.

B.,
I suggest he take a week vacation and spend the days alone with your child, this will let him know how hard you WORK and learn to value the time you spend with your child. He will miss her dearly when he goes back to work. After that get a part time night job so he again can spend alone time with your little one and you can earn some cash!
My husband and I have been taking turns taking a year off to spend with our daughter. She will be 4 in June and has never been in day care. Not all people can do this, we are very fortunate that our bills allow us this oportunity. The first year my husband did not understand my exhaustion, until we switched!
If you are interested I sell Pampered Chef and it pays my bills on 1 day and 1 night a week work! There are lots of opportunities out there that you can look into! Take the time with your child now while you can.
Good Luck
J.
____@____.com

Hi B.,
I can relate to how you feel about going back to work. I can understand your husband's point of view about retirement. But, you will never ever be able to get this time back with your child! This is such an important time in your child's life, you will NEVER get it back! My husband and I have made a lot of sacrifices so that I can stay home with our son. Every sacrifice that we have made is sooo worth it! It's only temporary. Someday soon my son will have his own life and won't be a daily part of ours. That makes me sad to think that. But I will never ever regret the time that I spent with him and the sacrifices that we made to make that happen. I wish you luck and I hope that your husband will come around. Hopefully you can work out something that will make you both happy. Good luck!!!

It really sucks that your husband is being difficult about this. my husband and I have 2 boys, I am a RN and work part time, usually 2 days a week. And my husband would love for me to be able to stay at home full time.

Unfortunately marriage is made up of compromises. And without your husband you couldn’t stay at home. So try to see his point, he works hard as an attorney and probably feels a little burden having to be the sole provider, and feels the stress of not meeting the money goals he wants to meet. OR maybe he is a little jealous that you aren’t working an he is. Try letting him keep your daughter for a few evening a week, so he can get a glimpse as to what you do and see that you aren’t “lazy.” Maybe you could tutor (I don’t know for sure but I think you could bring in a little more being a tutor than a substitute) a few nights a week for some extra income to make him feel like you are doing your part…
I hate the term “doing your part” because believe me you being a stay at home mom is doing your part, but its all about compromise.

Sit down and talk, communication is important, see what he would be willing to work with. You have to be able to meet in the middle somewhere.

And even though I LOVE being home with my kids, I do still enjoy doing a little work, it makes me feel good, and I get to have some adult interactions lol…

Best of luck and hopefully nothing I said offended anyone, because that was not my intent.

Advice from my husband's (50 years old)point of view. If you can, spend the time with your kids and work around the money. He nor I think you will be able to change your husband's mind. :( My husband has a 33 year old son with two grandchildren that are roughly the same age as our two children. He and his X-Wife had their son at 16 years of age. He worked his butt off and went to school to support his family. He has always been really motivated. By the time he was 27 he was making a 3 figure income. While he was taking care of them financially he was absent taking care of work. His son resents him for this! He and his wife divorced after 24years. We have only been married for 5 years and have a 4 1/2 yr old and 21mnth old. When I had our first child I could not make myself go back to work and let some stranger take care of my baby. Because he has a new start up business he is loosing at least $50K a year and me not working looses another $40K. That's alot of money! If we changed things we could live in a really nice house, travel alot(which we miss), have a larger savings/retirement account, etc. He nor I would trade the money/housing/cars/things for the time we are getting with our kids. Now that he is older and can see life in a different way, he sees the mistake of not having the time with his oldest son. Regardless of our money situation, he does not want me to go back to work and send our children off and let someone else influence our children with their beliefs. We do believe in multiple streams of income and are putting other businesses in place. I love photography. So I hire myself out periodically. We are apart of several network marketing businesses which are a great way to supplement your income or even replace your income. Our goal is to let these businesses replace our income and both of us be with our children. I present this idea to you as a way to supplement your income so that you do not have to go back to work and your husband can't complain about it. I feel so badly for you, it is stressful to think you might have to put your little one in the care of others. I just don't think if you have the financial means (and you do) that you should have to do that! Your daughter's well being should supersede an early retirement. Plus he will be damaging your relationship with him as you will hold that against him if you have to go back to work against your wishes and better judgment. With your husband's job and your location you should have great connections and network marketing is a AWESOME way for you to make mom. So think about it. I can supply you some things to read or listen to that will give you more insight on it which can help you make a decision if it's worth your time. People like Warren Buffet (second richest man in the world), Robert Kiyosaki (Rich Dad Poor Dad book series),John Maxwell(One of the most demanded speakers in the country), Robert Allen (Book-Multiple Streams of Income)all these people talk about and promote Network Marketing. Wouldn't it be great to make more money than your husband all the while working from home with your daughter! Now that would be great!!! I bet he would come home and work with you and your daughter! It is possible! So after all of this yackity yacking. This is the only thing I can see that can save you from going back to work. Note I am not pushing what we are doing although I would be happy to share it. I just want you to look in to it as it does change your view on work and it does make you money even if it's only enough to pay "your bills" :( I hope something I said helps. It's so sad that he doesn't see all that he has in you and your daughter.

Wow - I feel for your situation. I sold my business last June to stay at home with our daughter, almost 3. We now also have an 8 week old son. It is hard for us to have one income-my husband is taking a p/t job to help with our financial needs. We don't have a large home or pool or any of the frills, but we are on the same page about one thing..that we decided to have our kids to raise them ourselves, not pay someone else to raise them for us. You are doing an excellent job and are following your natural mommy instincts to want to stay home with your baby. I do not think it is you that is being selfish, but rather your husband... It sounds like HE wants THINGS, and having more $ means having more things. That is an entirely different priority than you seem to express with wanting to be there for your child. Also - although working now may mean more savings and a possible early retirement, that is well after your child has passed the precious stage she is in. You will NEVER get that time back with your daughter. Even if you both retire early, those sweet days will be in the past. We all have known too many people that regret not being there in those 1st years with their children and missing so much.... it is truly priceless.

I just picked up a page called 'Stay at Home Spouse' put out by State Farm Ins. You should call and ask for one. It outlined all the $ a stay at home parent saves the household....it lists the hourly rate you would have to pay an outsider for daycare/preschool, cleaning, book keeping, accounting, grocery shopping, laundering, errands, etc. It says you 'work' in the home for over 100K a year! Not to mention that you save the family time on having to run errands when your husband gets home. Plus - your child gets to be raised by mom....something he can't understand since he is out of the home far more.

I don't know if you really need advice on how to bring in income, since it doesn't sound like you NEED it, but if he wants you to bring in more income then maybe you could do the substituting or take another position a few mornings a week or from home? Maybe babysit another child? I think you should continue to stay home....if your daughter had a voice, I am certain she would ask for you to stay home with her for now...

Would he be receptive to you researching some articles about children with SAHM's vs kids in daycare? I am sure there are many good articles showing the benefits. Must be he was in daycare as a small child.... I wish you the best and hope your little sweetie gets to be with her mommy for a long time to come...

Let him spend a week in the life of YOU and decide on whether or not it's a lazy lifestyle. Does he have clean clothes to wear? Dinner on the table? A well-rounded child who's happy and smart??? Don't let him kid you...your current FULL TIME JOB is the hardest of ALL.....take a day off...let him come home hungry with no dinner and with dishes piled up in the sink. If you are forced to start working earlier than you wish, you may really resent him for it, you'll never get these toddler moments back. The first 3 years are instrumental in building her foundation....do what your GUT tells you!!!!! Best of luck! Oh, and remember, money will come later...you'll be able to retire...it's worth the wait to spend these first few formidable years with your child.

Wow. You guys need counseling. The problem is way way deeper then you think. You are totally incompatible-sounding. When your baby turns into a child and needs discipline and guidance will you agree or disagree there too? Will your husband ever take time away from working to take his daughter to kindergarten on the first day of school, go to a parent-teacher conference, or go on a family vacation? Your husband sounds almost like an abuser to me. No, not a violent wife-beater, but a mental one. One of the many traits is controlling behavior, such as doling you out an allowance and making you feel selfish for trying to be a good mother or irresponsible if you ask for money. You should listen to your instinct. It IS A RIDICULOUS point of view. Marriage is a partnership, and in my marriage, "what is mine is yours". We don't have HIS money, MY money; I don't have an allowance; we share expenses and bills. But then, in your case maybe it's not such a bad thing to be so seperate, in case your marriage falls apart and you need to stand on your own feet--at least your husband is giving you the practice to do so. Lord knows he sounds like a selfish jerk that would fight you tooth and nail for child support.

If you want to take another year off from teaching I think that is fine. You will not gain the year back with your daughter that you would loose. If he wants you to work, when he gets home, you can go to work in the eve as a tutor or work a part time job while he takes care of your daughter. That way you both have time with her. I am sure this will help him appreciate what you do with your daughter more as well. Stay at home Mom's do not get the credit they deserve. I work full time and then take care of 2 girls at night. 10 years and 2 years old. Love them both very much. Husband is a police officer who works nights. So I do most of the caregiving and housework at nights and on weekends. Do what you want. Retirement can wait another year!! :-) good luck!

A marriage is a partnership!! What's his is your and what's yours is his. (He's an attorney, he knows this). Why do you feel that he has to give you an allowance? Some major communication between you is needed. Let him know how you feel. Listen to his feelings and thoughts. Get counseling if that doesn't work.
Your children will be grown in a blink of an eye! My daughter is going to be a senior in High School next year and I dread the thought of her being away in college already. I did everything I could to be home with her. I still work part time (when my children are in school) so I can be home when they are. All my daughters are straight A students with bright futures and I know that being home with them has been a major factor in their success.

No real advice to give there....He sounds like a real jerk and very immature and doesn't seem to be worried about your daughters well being at all. I can't believe a grown man is throwing a temper tantrum about having to go to work and is pissed that you don't...Grow up is what I'd tell him. I am a stay at home mom and my husband is far from an attorney, in fact he works two jobs so I can stay at home...I am pregnant with my second and am counting my blessings after hearing your story. Stay at home mom's are not lazy but in fact very unselfish by not being materialistic as most people seem to sadly be these days.....Good luck!!! I would tell him too bad get over it and if he doesn't like it, leave him and find a more understanding family oriented man.....

If you have savings and your husband is an attorney making good money then he needs to chill out and let you have this TIME with your baby. It isn't too much to ask. You worked to help pay the bills and put away savings so take the time off and don't let him make you feel guilty about it either. It is his baby too and he should want you to be able to stay home with the baby and maybe cut out some of his own personal spending to make sure you get this time with your baby. This time flies by and you don't want to miss it.