Advice - No Help Around the House

If you can change the perspective. You are not doing chores you are learning life skills. When you are lucky enough to have a home you need to take care of that home. That means cleaning and cooking and doing dishes and laundry ect. Doing chores is not punishment it is a necessary part of growing up and living in a home.

I can't tell if she lives with you or if she lives with her mother. If she lives with her mother, don't do so much when she visits. Really pare down. If she lives with you, don't do personal things for her. Tell her that if she wants clean clothes, she needs to wash them. If she wants foods that you don't eat yourself, she needs to help prepare them. Switch to paper plates if she won't wash anything. If your husband doesn't like it, too bad.

He is creating a teen monster by allowing her to rule the household. You should just stop working so hard and don't make the house run so smoothly. Then he has to see the problem. And ignore when he fusses about it, except to say that she needs to pitch in like every other teen is expected to do.

Good luck and hold steadfast. It's for her OWN good down the line, you know.

Dawn

You have a husband that needs to step in or he would be doing ALL the chores ! I do not know how old she is but I would not give her an allowance if she did not help. If she is living in YOUR home, you DO have the right to put up a chore list. If she does not follow it, add those to your husbands list. But you should not do it no matter what. Your husband needs to know that letting her act entitled is not doing her any favors in life.

I think that even if she complains to her mom (I bet that Mom gives her attention when she does so - and she is lacking in maternal attention) that DH should continue to enforce the chores. If not, he's more afraid of teen attitude and his ex than he is the ire of his wife. There are a lot of times when a response is just not necessary. So if the mother gets all bent, just ignore it. It will drive her crazy. No CPS worker will take SD out of the home because she did a load of dishes.

My SD has slacked on her chores lately, too. I don't do them. If DH complains I say "You expect me to do x loads of whatever and take the trash out, but you have zero expectations for your daughter. If her chore is supposed to be to do a load of dishes and take the trash out, then she should do them or you should." He likes to claim that I forget that they are "only 17 and 22" and I remind him that they ARE 17 and 22. They are fully capable of the chores requested without reminders. I pick up after the 3 yr old, not those who are old enough to drive.

Further, I used to let SD pick to unload or load, knowing she hates loading. But now I unload and she gets to load. If she was quicker, she'd unload. I'm tired of getting the short stick.

If she has no life skills, she'll learn the hard way.

(There are many reasons a kid wouldn't live with their own mother. Sometimes it's a choice between the parents and sometimes it is that the courts have determined that the father is the more responsible or stable party. At the end of the day, this SM is dealing with a teen with another household to complain to and the usual teenage laziness that many people find frustrating.)

You need to get husband on board and enforce a little tough love. You guys need to suck it up as far as the EX goes and deal with with what she is going to throw at you.
Does your husband agree with you, but does nothing to get her to help you do chores? If so, that sucks, cause he may need a little tough love too...LOL
You never mentioned how old she was, so I am assuming she is a young teenager. Obviously, she doesn't get much from her own mother and feels like she is better then everyone else.
Most important, is that you guys need to come up with a plan together. Maybe one chore at a time. Like, putting away her own clothes that you leave in the middle of her bed. No allowance until it's put away.......simple.
Then maybe enforce a new chore every few weeks.
But, I understand that you can't just do this, you need to figure it out with the hubby. Sorry you have to deal with it, it's a tremendous amount of work holding up a house of 4.
Good luck!

Your husband needs to make her do her chores or no allowence! He needs to be the enforcer from the sounds of it because of the ex but he's got to put his food down.

First you and your husband need to come to an understanding of what to expect from SD. You cannot enforce chores if he won't back you up. I suggest that you get involved with family counseling. A counselor may be able to get thru to your husband when you can't. And (s)he will be able to help both of you establish boundaries and learn ways to enforce them.

Once your husband understands and agrees that chores are a necessary part of learning how to be a responsible person now and a grown up later then make a list of chores that you, your husband, and SD can agree upon. By including her in making choices she has an investment and is more likely to follow thru.

Have a consequence that is given every time she doesn't do chores. For example, no TV until chores are completed. Spend time in your room until you can be respectful. Make, list, talk about boundaries (acceptable behavior) and consequences when not met. Then consistently enforce them.

I recommend the book, Love and Logic by Foster Kline and ...., for developing boundaries (rules) and consequences. They have a web site that can be helpful.

There is way tooooo much history missing here about your step daughter.
What's up with the mom. Why would a daughter NOT be living with her very own mother?

The only advice I think that would work for the short term is that you engage her. You do every chore side by side with her. You start filling up her emotional cup, because darling SD sounds lost, depressed and abandoned by her bio-mom. Ouch. Double Ouch...I cannot even begin to imagine that kind of severe and debilitating emotional pain.

And why are you taking c/o other family members 3xweek? Do you get paid or compensated in anyway?

And of course, everyone will probably recommend counseling. But that is another expense and more time commitment on you to get her to and fro. I would drop the other care for a short time and devote your heart and soul to this SD to help her turn her feelings of rejection around.

It can be difficult because she is clearly able to manipulate the situation and is quite confident there will be no consequences. For sure, without a doubt, if she is not going to be forced to complete her tasks then payment should not be given...no more allowance for doing nothing. If she worked somewhere that was a commision only position she would receive nothing for doing nothing...therefore, she needs to understand payment is for service performed and completed. I would definitely talk to husband about that option and see how she reacts. I would also state that with the two of you, you MUST be the nucles of YOUR family and household. Grief can only be allowed if you respond, react or give a listen to it. Leave her to complaining to her mother and let your husband know that if she brings it up to let her know that it is a decision that the both of you made and that it is not extreme and therefore is not up for discussion.

Good luck